Twilight's castle may have magically sprouted from the Tree of Harmony, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have to comply with Ponyville's zoning laws.
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Third Wave
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I believe there may be a typo here.
Anyway, I think that you have a great concept here. "Twilight dealing with bureacracy" fics always have the potential to be great. That being said, I see a few problems.
1. Unnecessary scenes
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received on writing was this: start your scene as close to the action as possible, and end it as soon as the action is over. You have a lot of scenes in here where nothing really important occurs--the first scene describing them rebuilding Ponyville and going to sleep comes to mind. You could mention how the aftermath of Tirek's reign in less than a paragraph. The scene with Mayor Mare probably isn't necessary--Celestia's approval is more than enough for me.
2. Show v. Tell
In future drafts/works, try to cut down on telling us how every character is exactly feeling. Instead, use action; at a few points, you tell us that Twilight is angry. How do the other characters know this? Does her face go red? Does she grit her teeth? Show us! In addition, try to cut down on the use of adverbs, such as "nervously" or "warmly." Instead, find verbs that carry those connotations innately. For example: instead of "Rarity said nervously," try "Rarity stammered."
3. Uh... Twilight?
This is less a technical thing and more a problem I had with the story at large. For the entire penultimate scene (which can probably be broken up into a few parts), Twilight felt very out of character. I understand that Twilight can get crazy, but turning ponies into bananas? Ripping buildings off of the ground? It's a bit extreme. I can't help but feel that everything after Twilight leaves the Zoning Board meeting is unnecessary. Twilight giving this great, dramatic speech, only to still be shot down is a great, comedic ending.
I think that more can be done with Rarity being a member of the board. You're on the right path, with Rarity still not siding with Twilight despite their friendship, but there's more there to be done.
This is all in addition to some grammar and spelling issues. I would suggest that you look for a pre-reader/editor for your next story.
Oh horse pucky !
th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2014/343/c/e/cutie_mark_crusaders_demolition_team_by_hillbe-d89add8.jpg
I think we need to add the comedy tag for Twilight's little.. break down.
You know, part way through this story my comment was going to be this.
But then she went and actually turned two of the board members in bananas. The gist of my comment still stands though. I would have just told that first pony to get lost.
Technically, as a princess, who has been given a keep within a township by the monarch of the land, Twilight already owns the Ponyville fiefdom and could just tell the town council to faf off. Celestia's reply should have been, "Dearest Twilight... I gave you that fiefdom last week. Was I not clear enough?"
From the start, I thought this was pretty good. Twilight dealing with bureaucracy is always pretty funny.
And then bananas. And then town rearranging. That's where this got... less interesting. Too random for my tastes. Too 'out of left field'. It was like the fic's entire tone changed, and that bothered me.
I'm under the impression that this fic might end up having issues finding a target audience. Those who come for subtle comedy will be disappointed by the sudden change in tone. Those who came for random humor won't expect to find it here.
Okay that was funny but I have to side with Dubs Rewatcher on this. While she does tend to go plum loco, even as a princess, I don't see her going to that extreme. I had the feeling that you were going to do this kind of thing from the start if she didn't get her way the first time and quit frankly it's cliche.
If I were Twilight, I'd have settled this with a quick "I'm a me-dammned princess. Deal with it."
ye gods, she's power hungry AND tasteless.
Funny, but shouldn't it have a Random tag, with the bananas, Twilight reshaping the town, etc...?
5643424
They're probably the only ones who could do it.
5643685
Yeah, I get this was meant to be a comedy and all, but the premise kinda falls flat on its own face. And the ending was a bit too random for me, wasn't all that funny. I mean this could have worked if Twilight was just playing nice with the board to be nice and diplomatic at first, then told them to go buck it in the end when she got too frustrated and that being that as she is kinda the ultimate authority there but her going mad and turning ponies in to fruit and reshaping ponyville ... ehhhh, didn't really work for me.
We really need a Lyra emoticon.
*Twilight
Periods don't belong at the beginning of a sentence.
I'd like to know more about these ponies named Rarit and y Greenbalt.
*hired
... Nothing wrong with this sentence, just wanted to point out that I find it hilarious.
*mayor
Colons don't belong at the beginning of a sentence either.
5643713
Which makes it only all the more random.
5644551
... please tell me you're not serious.
Those who are looking for Random comedy won't read this, because it's not presented as a Random comedy.
You say "Then this is more random, which is good." No. That's not right.
Just because you're more of one thing doesn't mean you're good.
If a screaming monstrosity suddenly pops out and gorishly kills the leading lady of what was, up to now, a lighthearted romantic comedy, it'll also be scarier than a regular horror film. The amount of people watching who will consider this a good development will be rather slim.
There is a failure at setting up audience expectation.
This is presented as a Slice of Life fic based on Twilight dealing with bureaucracy. To suddenly veer completely into Random is to alienate a significant portion of readers who, believe it or not, read a Slice of Life fic because they feel like reading Slice of Life.
Sure, an argument can be made that people who enjoy random humor will like this, but think about it: Would someone in the mood for random humor read a fic marked as Slice of Life, or would they seek out a fic that directly advertises itself as Random?
I think I don't need to answer that one.
And, I suppose, that is what you get for being an arse to a super-magical princess with a direct line to your ultimate boss with a known penchant to be unstable at times shortly after she saves the entire world at the cost of her home and you try (for no readily apparent reason that spite) to take new new one away.
They're lucky it was just being turned into a banana. If I was in Twilight's position, I'd have done rather worse. (Though maybe not quite so out of the left field, since I would have STARTED with that, rather than play their game.)
If I were in Twilight's position, I'd have gone to Princess Celestia in pony and discussed the matter of the hearing and gotten advice from her on what to do rather than ask her for sovereignty over Ponyville and then take the course of action that she had taken. The only thing that that would do is hurt her relationships with her friends and the rest of the residents of Ponyville, making them think that she's becoming a tyrant, which doing what she did was a bit tyrannical.I'm sure that Twilight would never commit such illogical actions as that, on top of knowing not to abuse her magic like that. Although, attempting to pull rank as a princess beforehand probably wouldn't hurt either though, but she wouldn't nor shouldn't take things to such extremes. Also, turning a couple of ponies into bananas and the other abuses of power she committed would only destroy the confidence Celestia placed in her.
And it would've been so simple just to rezone Ponyville's borders. She could even have helped Pinkie realize her dream of ruling over Pie Town with an iron hoof and rubber chicken.
5644367 I could see her doing some urban planning though. At least enough to rezone the land where her library used to be.
Well, that took a shift. Bananas? I guess I should have seen that coming after the several things on the list Twilight was going to fight ended on the second ordinance Twilight foalishly fell towards the emotional plea bit.
I was at least expecting something fun with the new get out of jail free card Celestia gave her, but overall I feel a bit bummed about the story, made only worst by ending it at the Princesses learning Twilight's doing things she shouldn't be doing. I at least thought we'd get to see them confront Twilight or get more Rarity trying to talk Twilight out of her power trip.
Fun story. Darn if it didn't take a sharp turn to Crazyville though after cutting things short at the appeal.
The ending with the floating buildings reminded me of the old TV shoee Eureka. And Twilight is a bloody Princess, the proper response to the troublemakers should have been to just start mumblings things like "Banishment" and "I have a dragon and I am not afraid to use it..."
That was insane. Really, though? Bananas? Just kidding, this is me right now:
I'm confused. Why is this story not marked with the Anthro tag?
I loved it!!! Especially the bananas!!!
5644641 Erm... I was joking? Which is why I put that Trollestia smiley at the end there?
What exactly did Twilight do at the end that needed such large slabs?
Isn't there a story with pretty much the same idea?
5646646
Well something kind of similar was done in chapters 6 and 7 of Discord's Parting Gift to the CMC with Mayor Mare and her board vs Apple Bloom. Good minds think alike.
5646804 Nah, it wasn't that. I think it was a one shot, although I could be wrong. All I know is that someone wrote something very similar.
5646260
>Twilight's a princess
Except we've seen her get less then zero respect before, on several occasions, so clearly being a princess is worth very little in the grand scheme of Equestrian politics.
5645091
This is Twilight Sparkle we're talking about here. A mare who though the most logical response to not having anything to write to her mentor about was to mind control an entire town. Or that a minor bat infestation was best solved by a poorly defined compulsion spell that had very nasty side effects. Or the parasprites being altered to eat the entire town. Or orange frog. Or murdering a bunch of quite possibly self aware clones because by god, it was too much trouble to actually LIVE with them. Something retarded like this is entirely in character for her.
5646890 That's because she doesn't push herself forward. No regalia, hey! Just call me Twilight attitude. She lived in a library. Kind of hard to be taken seriously when you live in a library. Now she has a castle. She is a power. Course she still isn't rocking the regalia or have any guards and even Celestia is kind of annoyed the castle blocks her once pleasant view of the town. But she should still have some damn respect!
I know exactly what these kinds of meetings are like! I see them all the time with my job. This story was heartfelt and funny all at once. Nicely done!
*Reads story premise*
Immediate Response: Exercise Eminent Domain and Royal Edict.
*Jumps to end of story.*
Immediate Response: Exercised Eminent Domain and Royal Edict. Very good.
Moving on.
Now I know why Twilight's still treated as just a standard pony (besides her humbleness). Celestia never gave her power because she'd ruin everything.
Can I have a moment of your time for a story suggestion?
When I first seen this:
I instantly thought "No, if anyone can win a legal fight, it’s Celestia."
Then I read the rest of the story. I have come to the conclusion that without all the facts, Celestia only makes it worse; but I think we can all agree this was all Twilight's fault, and possibly Spike's because he didn't send a letter to Celestia explaining the situation.
5646890
Okay, no. There was no murdering of Mirror clones. That was entirely an invention of fanon, don't bring it up amidst a slew of canon points.
Gotta agree, this was pretty disappointing. Three days worth of preparation and study, and 0% of it gets used. Instead there's a sudden derail into Do You Like Mmmmmbananas drivel. It looked like such a great setup, too. I guess this is the case of Chekhov's Dud.
5646874 The only one I can think of was the one Bootsy and I worked on because her castle was an eyesore concept was just too good to pass up.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/216201/queen-of-diamonds-bootsy-version
It's the reason I took to this story so quick. I was amazed not many people wrote this premise more, it was certainly something I thought we'd have more of.
5643685
The only problem with that is that from what we've seen so far Equestria clearly isn't a feudal society and most likely is a constitutional monarchy.
But the Zoning Board was right, you know. The castle is ugly as sin. I honestly don't know who thought it was a good idea, but it was probably some Hasbro higher-up who wanted to make a toy to sell or something.
The title of this fic alone shows promise.
GAH!
I've had this idea stuck in my head for the last few months!
5648056 you do realise this is exactly what happened there is so going to be a crystal castle playset
on another note i hope the mlp toys dont represent future seasons becasue if they do well.......... lets just say we are going to have 2 new alicorns that are essentially celestia in different colours with some horrible shitty cutie mark
one is pink
the other is blue
and no they are not rainbow dash and pinkie pie although the toys do come with a to scale pinkie pie
ugh i hope there arnt any more.....god dam it
just remembered princess skyla
5648056 I don't disagree that it has a constitution, however it clearly dose not work like England. We see no prime minister, nor a council of Lords. Therefore we can assume Celestia has absolute fiat until shown otherwise. So my point stands.
But yeah that castle is ugly as sin. I offered to paint it to look like a real tree but that didn't go over well.
Honestly it could have been handled simply.
*at meeting*
Nimby: "A horn , what does this...."
Nimby: "Wings, though i still don't..."
Nimby: " .......Princess...."
Nimby: " You have......"
Granted that would make a rather short story.
Tune in next week when Twilight has to deal with her local Home Owners' Association!
5648773
Well, you've got to make allowances for being in a magical fantasy land where the monarch effectively lives forever, right? Joking aside, the biggest thing that throws your idea is the fact that Ponyville is run by a mayor rather than a Lord or a Duke or something like that. As far as I'm aware mayors are always, always elected.
5649073 The Right Honorable Lord Mayor of London used to be an appointed position.
Twilight is a fan of Brutalism? Why am I not surprised.
This story didn't really fit my fancy. There were also a lot of typos, like chopping Rarity's name apart with a comma.
5648056 I don't know about constitutional, it seems like Celestia and Luna wield near absolute power, but so far we have yet to see Twilight granted a speck of legal authority, outside of the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange. So far the Crystal Tree has given her a castle, but I doubt the Equestrian government recognizes the authority of magic trees. Maybe Twilight is the Princess of Friendship, and she acts like some sort of Dear Abbey, or maybe she will be some kind of goodwill ambassador, but one thing we haven't seen (outside of numerous fanfics) is that Ponyville has been effectively split off from Equestria proper and turned into Twilight's own miniature kingdom.
Frankly, I agree with Nimby that that castle was hideous. I was hoping Twilight's brilliant solution was to lower the castle mostly into the ground so it no longer blocks everyone's view and shines distorting lights about, making everyone happy. Heck, if you look at it, most of the height is just some giant crystal tower at the bottom, presumably with stairs, that Spike has to hike up and down every time he wants to leave/enter the castle, he would love that solution more than anyone else.