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CategoricalGrant


"I haven't seen a bigger waste of talent since Dan Marino." -Roselucky Seven; Want to support me?

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14 Equestrian Code § 31 Refusal of Cuddling Invitation. "Anycreature who refuses to cuddle another, so long as the invitation is polite, commits a Class B Felony, punishable by a maximum of 8 months in prison, a fine of 10,000 bits, or both."

New cover art by my good friend DivineRoyalty.

EDIT: 2nd place featured day of posting, 3/23/20!
EDIT: And 1st place featured on the morning of 3/24/20! Wohoo!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 58 )

commits a Class B Felony, punishable by a maximum of 8 months in prison

Technically, a felony is a crime with a minimum of a one year punishment.

10143437
That's a general rule, and it's also Equestria so

10143437
Equestria is kinda more lenient on punishments. The death penalty doesn't exist and you could be the most evil villain ever and get off scott free of all your crimes simply by agreeing to reformation and community service.

"The law does not apply in cases where cuddling demonstrably would lead to serious injury for the cuddler/cuddlee (say, one of the individuals involved is a Pony and the other is a Nirik or some other individual on fire). The law also does not apply to Discord because of unenforceability under any conditions that do not endanger the existence of Equestria."

Starlight crumples up her muzzle and frowns at Spike. “Well, I mean, I guess like an eig-”

“Again, Miss Glimmer, you are under oath,” Spike spits back.

“Alright, I’m like a seven.”

Glimmy, you are easily an eight on a bad day.

10143437
A felony is an offense that results in the confiscation of the convicted person's land and goods, possibly including other punishments up to death.

In the United States, it's actually more than one year; exactly one year or less is a misdemeanor.

Since when did refusing to cuddle somepony became a crime?

“My name is Starlight Glimmer, and I’m a counselor and Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship.”

I knew it! Starlight was the school the whole time! Does that make her a Transformer?

10143593
The error is fixed, but the shame remains :fluttershbad:

That Cover Art.

She looks as if somebody whispered behind her back, that she's fat.

And she overheard it.

:rainbowlaugh:

10143472
But on the other hand you had 1000 year prison sentences that usually transcended physical form....5 times at least?

Equestria isn't exactly consistent in it's severity levels

10143608
If it makes you feel better: you succeeded in making Ami a lovable dork. :twilightsmile:

10143584
Since This story came out I presume.

Wouldn't it be funny if something unpleasant happened to Rarity - like a bird pooping on her head - that the human could have prevented, but wasn't around because someone had asked for a cuddle. And then when she complains that, because he didn't do what he was supposed to, a bird pooped on her head, he just says, "Sorry, Rarity, but the law is the law."

And then the next time, the Founder's Day parade is a complete disaster because the human had to cuddle a pony instead of making sure the weather schedule was updated. "Sorry, but the law's the law."

And then Tirek escapes Tartarus because the human wasn't there on time to feed Cerberus and he wandered away again. "Law's the law! Can't be helped!"

Sometimes, the best kind of compliance is malicious compliance.

10143676
Thats only for the most dangerous cases. Even then reformation is an option. The problem is that they would probably have them a minimum of a week with Twilight Sparkle. Many villains would probably see Tarturas or turned to stone for a thousand years as far more bearable.

10143823
I love the way you think.

I still think she didnt deserve that last cuddle.

10143608
should have left it in and said that part of the story's canon now

Was funny, but the ending killed that. Rarity basically gets to own physical rights to his body and can do whatever she wants to him without consent, and he has no xhoice but to go back her and let her molest him. Yeah, so much for friendship. Might as well just have her violently rape him in front of the whole town.

"Come here and give me a hug, Rarity."

"Oh, darling! I'm so happy! And... um, where are we going?"

"Shhh. Enjoy the moment."

"Yes, of course. It's just that you don't need to carry me to cuddle me. And... we seem to be getting rather close to the castle rubbish pit..."

"Don't spoil it."

"In fact, spoiling is rather forefront in my mind, darling. The odor is quite... ripe."

"Rarity?"

"Y-yes?"

"BEGONE, THOT!"

Dan
Dan #21 · 6 days ago · · · Epilogue ·

The law doesn't say the cuddles must be immediate or on-demand. He was well-within his rights to put them off until later!

I'd say that a cuddle request delivered under threat of legal penalty for noncompliance can hardly be considered to be polite.

Well that happened.

I was totally expecting him to argue that since she didn't take his scheduling needs into account, her request ceasted to be polite!

10144270
Did we read the same fanfiction?

The thing is, I wouldn't put it past Equestria to pass that law.

10144339
Wow, your not very forgiving are you?

oh god i hate the idea of being required by law to have physical contact with people. that just. yike.

10144688
As with all things, reverse the genders in this story if you fail to see how some people might find it as distasteful.

Earth version

Rarity at the courthouse: I would like to sue anon for not cuddling me.

Worker:😕😒

Rarity on the footpath after being thrown out of the courthouse: WELL I NEVER!!!

What made Rarity have a change of heart? I need some context. Cause it seems to me that she was nasty up until the day after. Or am I missing something?

10145307
She already got him to kneel and asserted her dominance publically, what else did she need really? This is how certain people act, they humiliate you openly, force you to kneel and then offer sweet words to re-assure you once you have been forced to bend to their whims. That is how they keep you close for their needs.

Then again it is a comedy so what do i know.

10145196
Didn't it end with Rarity realizing that she was in the wrong? And then letting the guy actuality chose if he wanted to cuddle with her, or not?

10145307

"What made Rarity have a change of heart?"

That's easy: She realized that she was being an asshole.

10145337
Yes, after publicly asserting her dominance and then flippantly offering to pay the fines she forced on him. Do remember what she was asking previously:

“And you have to hold my hoof as we leave the castle so everypony can see we’re going to go cuddle!” Rarity adds, smirking in triumph.

It was all about power, and her playing the 'oh noes i am sorry and i was so bad' afterwards means very little, she first brings him to face financial ruin to sate her pride and needs and then waves it all off after he has been put to his place and gives him a 'choice' to cuddle with her? If she would feel any amount of true regret she would not ask it from him.

Saying sorry is easy once you have forced someone to face ruin for your own amusement, but it is not worth anything really.

10145355
10144270
Nice to see that people continue to take silly little pony fiction too damn seriously, Cheers!

10145740
I’m glad I’m not the only one stunned by these comments. I was (briefly) afraid that I was the problem.

Luna completely stole the show for me. But then, she is my favorite pony, so I might be just a little bit biased.

Just a little.

Someone hand Anon the Codex of Equestrian Customs and Civil Law so Anon can chase around and flatten the assembled ponies, princesses, and dragon.

Really Ignorance of the law is a defense here as it seems Anon was deprived of any fore knowledge of this statute, something a Dignitary of a foreign government should have before being deployed. Also sham trial is a sham. No competent defense representation, Luna's Jury Tampering and Judge Intimidation, effective denial of Diplomatic Immunity, and excessive fines and punishments.

If I was him, I'd have told the court that I asked for a postponement of cuddles. Therefore, I did not technically deny cuddles. I simply asked that it be delayed thus this case should have been thrown out. I'd have also demanded that the court punish Rarity for her blatant act of perjury.

I want to cuddle with Amicus. Please write more about her. <3

10145740
How could anyone take this seriously? It's obviously comedic in nature with numerous references.

10143489
And Trixie is a 10 on a terrible day.

I'll say that I liked Twilight being one of the reasonable ones here, a Straight Mare. It was amusing to see her forcibly eject Luna from court, and this:

Back at the front of the room, Twilight Sparkle squints and peers into the distance. “...Princess Luna? Is that you?”

A wisp of starry blue mane billows out gently from under the concealment of the cloak. “...No.”

Rolling her eyes, Twilight lights up her horn.

In a single swift motion of magenta magic, the cloak is torn away from the figure, revealing none other than Princess Luna. Oddly enough, there was not a single startled gasp in the entire room.

Was a good mental picture, imagining Luna meekly going "...No."

10146530
My thoughts exactly!

10146097
You are. Rather, your writing is.

I get it's supposed to be a fun little joke, but you took it too far. Way too far. This isn't funny, it's just infuriating. Rarity acted like an entitled, spoiled brat, and there was nothing to alleviate that. Plus I don't think you understand that physical contact of any kind being enforced is some seriously demented stuff. I know cuddling isn't the same as sexual intercourse, but it's still the principle of the thing, that no one should be forced into contact or relationship behavior against their will.

It's just not funny, man. It's pretty messed up. Now maybe if you had something to alleviate the insanity, maybe a lawyer that was competent to defend Anon and set up some jokes at Rarity's expense (because she desperately needs to be taken down a peg or three in this narrative) or Spike screwing up as badly as Ami then there might've been some redeeming quality to it. As it stands, you've basically got a whiny, spoiled brat of a female demanding obedience and being entirely smug about it right up until the end. The "apology" rings entirely empty and false, as she never, NOT ONCE, had her behavior backfire on her.

Absolutely thumbs down. I didn't laugh, and by the end of it I just wanted Anon to throttle Rarity. Because that's the kind of character you've created for her (as well as Equestria) here.

You'll never take me alive!
Who likes their marshmallows burnt!?

A frown begins to tug at the sides of your lips. “What happens if I say no?”

Rarity swallows hard and winces. “Well, darling...Th-that’s your right. And I won’t do a thing more about it than respect your wishes.”

Up until this point if it had been me I would have said she wasn't my friend or something to the shock and gasps of the ponies I'm sure and a probably even worse crime in these silly pony's laws to my detriment. I'm sorry but like he said friends don't sue friends.

This story was full of situations that triggered me. I have a violent aversion to being blamed for things (or seeing people be blamed for things) either beyond my control or things I didn't do (I've been bit by those situations in the past without anyone to back me up and it scarred me emotionally). I knew it was all supposed to be played for laughs and silly fluff so I continued to read but up until that quote if it was me in that situation Rarity would be dead to me as a friend. Regardless of my personal triggers I liked the story.

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