Griffon of Canterlot
Chapter 1 – Celestial Opps
Over 4,000 years before the events of Nightmare Moon...
The lands where the mountain of the great city of Canterlot should be, appears instantly through a bluish tear in the sky, crashing into the ground with smaller rocks smashing into the plains around it, the large mountain-sized rock sparkling with electrical energy, snow and ice falling from it after impact, embedding itself into the ground as a wave of rock and dirt are blown outwards.
On a small part of the mountain a small figure glowing with the same sparking energy as the rest of the mountain appears, the energy surrounding it fading away with the rest of the sparking energy. The mountain stands tall, and as the dust clears, a goat stands on the hillside, "Hmm... Now this is interesting," he chuckled darkly while walking towards it, "Come my monsters, I believe we found our new home. Now to build my empire." The large goat taps his bell and the monstrous creatures behind him lower their heads and march towards the mountain.
Canterlot, moments after the defeat of Nightmare Moon...
A few guards doing their rounds notice the sun rising once again with the moon lowering. It had been an unnaturally long night. They watched and felt the warmth of the sun when a bluish light sprang into exsistance dancing around the entire city of Canterlot.
As they looked around wondering what it could be, one guard asked, "What is this?"
"I have no idea," the other guard said as he waved his hoof through the waves of cloudy light all around them, "It seems harmless." For minutes, many streams and waves of the light flowed around the mountain and city.
Shining Armor came out of the castle and took a good look around, awed at the mysterious light. Seeing the two guards close by he approached and ordered, "Report."
"Captain, the light just came out of no-" the unicorn of the pair began as the light faded away. Within half a moment the city was returned to its original state, as if it were never there. "Where did it go?" the unicorn guard asked as he looked around curiously, "That was odd."
The pegasus guard next to him flapped his wings, taking to the air to get a better look around, "Other than the light show, nothing seems to be out of place, sir." he reported.
Shining Armor rubbed the underside of his snout in worry, "That is odd... I'll inform the princess on her return. Until then, continue the rounds as usual."
"Yes sir!" the guards saluted and left to continue their rounds, unaware of something watching, trembling in fear.
Canterlot, two weeks later...
Shining Armor stood before Princess Celestia, reading out a report to her as she sat on her throne with her sister Luna watching and listening from her side. Still recovering from the events of a few weeks ago, her magic was slowly recovering, as was her true appearance once more. "–The theft of food from the food waste bins has been discovered yet again, Princess. Nopony seems to be able to discover who is behind it or why they enter the castle grounds to steal from the bins, as the food at the time of the theft would have pretty partially decomposed and unhealthy." Shining Armor stated as he finished the report.
Celestia used her magic to levitate the parchment from the Captain's own magical grasp. Levitating it up to her own face she took a look at the report herself, "That is very strange indeed, Captain. Not only has this thief managed to get past all the patrols, including the newly increased number of guards, but they have been able to get to the waste bins and eat semi-rotten food instead of entering the kitchen to steal perfectly good food." Celestia's mind started to tick as she thought of other possibilities that could have been easily been overlooked.
"We do not understand, sister. Why would one of such skills in stealth do such a thing for the past two weeks?" Luna inquired as she used her still limited magic to take the report and read it herself.
"That Luna, is an interesting question." Celestia said as she turned to face Shining Armor, "Hmm..., maybe we're looking at this the wrong way." Celestia said as she came up with an idea as she was speaking.
Shining Armor gave a confused expression. "Princess?"
Celestia rose from her throne, "Luna, Captain, please come with me. I believe I've just solved this mystery." Luna and Shining Armor looked at each other for a moment before following Celestia out of the throne room. They walked through the castle, out one of the rear entrances, and to the large dumpsters used for uneaten food and general waste.
Shining Armor looked around and said, "I do not understand why we are here Princess, the guards reported no sighting of the pony."
"Thou heardest this too sister," Luna chimed in.
At that Celestia turned around to the both of them, "I believe the reason why you haven't seen anypony come or go is because they've been here all this time." Using her magic, she moved the waste bins to reveal a crude pile of crushed cardboard boxes, worn and torn blankets, and under them both, a young yellow griffon with black chest fur and wings, a creamy yellow head, and short black feathers around both eyes.
The three ponies noticed he was wearing scraps of a green shirt and the tattered remains of old blue socks around both of his hind legs close to the paws. Shining Armor started towards the youngster, still asleep and unaware that he was discovered. The griffon was holding a plushie tightly to his chest, a plushie that looked exactly like him, except that it was wearing a brown vest.
"I never would've thought to look back here..." Shining Armor whispered.
As he was about to approach the griffon he was stopped by Celestia, "Princess?" He asked in confusion.
Celestia motioned for he and Luna to move away, "Captain, has anypony seen a griffon who looks like this in the city?" She asked quietly.
With a shake of his head he answered the princess at the same volume, "No, I haven't, nor has the guard. Why?"
"I would like you and the guard to ask around the city to see if anypony had seen a teenage griffon in the last two weeks." Celestia requested.
Shining Armor looked towards the griffon and back to her, "What of the griffon?" He asked.
"I will stay here and wait 'till he wakes." Celestia replied.
"No disrespect Princess, but this is not the place for somepony to stay at for long periods of time... It's not exactly the cleanest place in Canterlot." Shining Armor said as he looked around and got a good smell of the stink coming from the large dumpsters.
Luna also took a good sniff and shook her head, "Sister thou cannot be serious, this is not fit for a princess."
Celestia turned to the griffon, "It may not be, but I believe it to be–" Suddenly, a flash of green flame and a letter, appeared before Celestia. She opened it, seeing two tickets with it. She proceeded to quickly read the contents of the letter then giggled good naturedly, "Oh, Twilight..." She shook her head and summoned a new scroll and quill to appear. Writing out a brief response and putting four more tickets in it, sending it off to Spike, "Oh, I forgot about Spike," She said as she put another ticket into another scroll and sent that one too, "There, that should solve that problem."
Shining Armor then spoke up, "That it may, Princess, but how does that solve the new problem you created?" He asked.
"I created?" Celestia asked, confused by what the captain said. Shining Armor lifted his left forehoof and gestured behind her. She turned around to see the young griffon was wide awake and had huddled himself and the plushie into the furthest corner away from the three Ponies. He was shivering with fear, fear that was also shown on the griffon's face and in his golden brown eyes. That said it all. "Oh..."
I: Huh... I remember seeing that coloration some where. It was on a pegasus named with the root 'electrum'...
One minute later...
I: Wait a second...
9829140
I gather you've figured it out. ^^
9829209
Ah, yes. Cool mane, by the way, bro.
I like it so far not many good human turned to griffon stories keep it up
This has caught my interest. I like the idea of the possible main character (Griffin) being a teenager instead of a small child or adult. This is new and it seems good so far. I look forward to more!
9829435
I will do all I can to aim to please.
9829565
It something that came to mind and I thought what the hell and go with it hehe ^^
with this much interest I definitely want to find someone to proofread it for me if possible that for sure! I like it to really glow ^^
Gently subtle: Checked
Good story executions: double checked
Not a pony: triple checked
Tracking story right now, also keep it up your doing well
Alright, I promised to read through this, so here I am.
First things first, the Author’s Note at the beginning caught my eye. It is quite lengthly and doesn’t really contain anything of value for the audience. Also stating that this was unedited—while it’s the honest thing to do—is hurtful to the story. To sum it up, most of it can be removed and the rest put into a blog post, otherwise it might turn away a lot of potential readers. It’ll simply bore them before they even get to the chapter.
As for the chapter itself, the premise is quite interesting, though the chapter was too short to fully judge that. The same can be said about the characters, though I really like the first season settings. As for grammar and spelling, yes, there were some errors scattered here and there (notably the wrong forms of verbs and such), but it was not as bad as I expected from what you have said. However, there was a significant lack of punctuation and a bunch of lengthly rambling run-on sentences that made the story quite hard to read and sort of derailed your pace. So, matters of style is what you mainly need to focus on.
And that’s all. Brutally honest, but I believe it’s better than pointless sugarcoating. Let me know if you have any additional questions.
9832056
Thank you for what you've said and I will take what you have said and use it to the best of my abilities.
Also the personal note I felt in my gut and heart was the right thing to do. Rather be bluntly honest but I will look it over and see what I can do to stream line it my friend.
Thank you for your comment ^^
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You’re welcome, glad I could help a little
As for the note, the main problem is that when the potential readers decide to open the first chapter, they want to start reading the story stat. That way, you’ll also hook most. But if you delay them the actual story experience, they just might pass your story for another. As I have said, a lot of it might be moved to a blog post, where you can say whatever you desire, and still get a larger amount of satisfied readers.
Liking it so far, but I've got to say, Grammarly is your friend. Pasting the story in the text box on the website should fix most of the grammar mistakes. (You'll have to make an account first though)
Poor child... It had to eat trash for weeks...
Hope they take good care of him/her...
You accidentally copy-pasted this and single paragraph under it twice.
I'm gonna give this a read and see where it goes.
First chapter in, pretty good, I just found some of the sentence structure a tiny bit wonky, but I can still understand it.
The one thing that I don't understand, nor why it's in the description, is the 'One Rule' thing. It makes sense for someone on the spectrum to behave per what you blacked out in the spoilers, so can you explain that to me?
Also, I think it would have been a good step towards character development if the audience figured it out for themselves. That would give them a bit of insight on what goes on in the gryphon's head.
I reread chapter several times and still don't get what sort of problem Celestia "created"? Besides that she find the interloper that anyone else failed to find.
10033753
The "problem" was just waking up the teenage griffin with the letter she received from Twilight.
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but I don't get why that would be a problem
10210958
he is only a kid that is all by himself most likely from anther world and 2 tall pony and one in armor just woke him up. i would also be a little scared because i would not their motives
existance
Having Asperger's is like a double edged sword. On one side I have really amazing imagination with so many ideas for stories coming to mind, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, that's where my weakness comes in.
Mhmm, same here which sucks
10464480
Spelling and grammar mistakes are common so it shouldn't be worried about. And there are good people who will help out of Kindness here.
I didn't read the story for a long time so i start at the beginning. Toward adventure
I may not have Asperger’s but holy shit this relates to me way to much
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10970451
There are speech to text apps for chat room etc.
I highly recommend their use!