• Member Since 10th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Electuroo


T

A few weeks have passed after Nightmare Moon's defeat and Princess Luna's freedom and she has returned to Equestria to rule once more by her sister Celestia's side. However, a mysterious young griffon is discovered, and the questions about this young unknown griffon grow as Celestia and many others try to find out how and where he came from.

No solid answers come and communicating with the young griffon is going to be more of a challenge then they could believe.

(The one rule is revealed in Chapter Six. If you wish to be spoiled, reveal the spoiler, but if not, read to Chapter Six. Also, if there is a better way of wording this, please let me know.)

The one rule is: Letting someone hold the Griffon's (Young one's) plush and returning it to him is for him to have absolute trust in someone without the need for words.

Chapter 1: Proofread by Truthseeker
Chapter 2 to 4: Proofread by Katarina Mau
Chapter 5.5: Checked over by Mr_Mopey
Chapter 65.5, 75.5: proofread by Akira Dragonborne

Featured: 109 times

Chapters (126)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 1238 )

I: Huh... I remember seeing that coloration some where. It was on a pegasus named with the root 'electrum'...

One minute later...
I: Wait a second...

9829140

I gather you've figured it out. ^^

9829209
Ah, yes. Cool mane, by the way, bro.

I like it so far not many good human turned to griffon stories keep it up :pinkiehappy:

This has caught my interest. I like the idea of the possible main character (Griffin) being a teenager instead of a small child or adult. This is new and it seems good so far. I look forward to more!:rainbowdetermined2:

9829435

I will do all I can to aim to please.

9829565

It something that came to mind and I thought what the hell and go with it hehe ^^

with this much interest I definitely want to find someone to proofread it for me if possible that for sure! I like it to really glow ^^

Gently subtle: Checked
Good story executions: double checked
Not a pony: triple checked

Tracking story right now, also keep it up your doing well

Alright, I promised to read through this, so here I am.

First things first, the Author’s Note at the beginning caught my eye. It is quite lengthly and doesn’t really contain anything of value for the audience. Also stating that this was unedited—while it’s the honest thing to do—is hurtful to the story. To sum it up, most of it can be removed and the rest put into a blog post, otherwise it might turn away a lot of potential readers. It’ll simply bore them before they even get to the chapter.

As for the chapter itself, the premise is quite interesting, though the chapter was too short to fully judge that. The same can be said about the characters, though I really like the first season settings. As for grammar and spelling, yes, there were some errors scattered here and there (notably the wrong forms of verbs and such), but it was not as bad as I expected from what you have said. However, there was a significant lack of punctuation and a bunch of lengthly rambling run-on sentences that made the story quite hard to read and sort of derailed your pace. So, matters of style is what you mainly need to focus on.

And that’s all. Brutally honest, but I believe it’s better than pointless sugarcoating. Let me know if you have any additional questions.

9832056

Thank you for what you've said and I will take what you have said and use it to the best of my abilities.

Also the personal note I felt in my gut and heart was the right thing to do. Rather be bluntly honest but I will look it over and see what I can do to stream line it my friend.

Thank you for your comment ^^

9832131
You’re welcome, glad I could help a little :twilightsmile:

As for the note, the main problem is that when the potential readers decide to open the first chapter, they want to start reading the story stat. That way, you’ll also hook most. But if you delay them the actual story experience, they just might pass your story for another. As I have said, a lot of it might be moved to a blog post, where you can say whatever you desire, and still get a larger amount of satisfied readers.

Well then... It appears that Luna was ready for bed more than finding that griffin.

On another note: this story is very well made and I like it!:rainbowdetermined2:

But one rule... (Find out soon)

What's that suppose to mean?

9841537
You will find when everyone else does. No spoilers

I kept seeing the word "folk" but I think you meant "fork." Unless you were saying how the young griffin heard it?

Anyways, another well made chapter! I look forward to reading more in the future!

9842568

Thank you for pointing that out I think I got all those 'folk' and changed them to 'fork' hehe

And glad you are enjoying the story so far ^=^

The safest thing to do would be to burn the clothes. Leave the kid his plush toy, as that gives him some comfort for now, but the rest should be destroyed so it cannot be used against them if someone figures out their anti-magic properties.

That said, the blanket assumption that anything from our world going into Equestria would be so anti-magical can be problematic at best for a new author to be consistent in his/her writing. Just look at how much problems were caused whenever something showed up from Krypton in the DC comics--and the writers working for DC are experienced professionals.
Whatever the kid breathes, drinks, or eats maybe from Equestria, but his breath, poop, and piss are going to be anti-magic or strongly resistant to magic because some part of his body is going to go out with his bodily waste. And anything that processes those wastes are going to be contaminated, and so on.

Eventually, the concentration would get to where you wouldn't see the effect anymore, but things would still be iffy for quite a while--for example: the kid is in the same room as Rainbow Dash who loves to hover wherever she is: logically, while breathing the same air with him, she should suddenly find it harder to stay aloft, and it should get worse the longer she stays there.

Also, no matter how long he lives there, there's parts of him which will NEVER be replaced with Equestrian material (his bones, for example). So he's going to be permanently anti-magical--have you considered that pegasi and griffons rely on magic to fly? Never mind that he's going to have a huge handicap at using his wings because he wasn't born with them. Pegasi, griffon, and dragon wings are simply too small to carry their weight, and are still too small for even gliding.
He can NEVER fly, much less ever learn to, so he can NEVER use that option to escape a desperate situation!

9849080

I see you really put a lot of thought into this and gave me a lot to think about too. I really like what you've written and explained in detail. It something that I have been thinking about myself partial and have to say that I like what you've brought up.

As for the flying in the pervious chapters he already have for short bursts all down to the griffon instincts fright and flight reaction. The magic resident in him doesn't interfere with the griffon natural magic in him.

The form of magic that you've mentioned as antimagic is the opposite side of the spectrum. Just haven't figured a name for it yet. Anti-magic sounds a bit to cliché don't ya think? Any suggestions of a name would be welcomed.

That form of magic will be more explained as the story progresses so I can't say anymore about that without spoiling it. I hope you understand my friend.

I’m calling it the young griffin is a human that got sent to Equus and was turned into a griffin a long the way

More please more this story is really good

“Speak of this to those unaware we will act on it and thou will be punished severely.” Luna walk to the office.

Dam Luna :rainbowlaugh:

I see quite a few grammar errors, but not bad enough where I can't figure out what they are saying.

Keep up the good work!

9860987

Thank you, I will. I also go over it a far many times to try and find those damn grammar errors.

Guess some got through the cracks

Your story is amazing, keep up the good work. : )

9859668

“Speak of this to those unaware we will act on it and thou will be punished severely.” Luna walk to the office.

Dam Luna :rainbowlaugh:

This... ...is how nightmares begin... :twilightoops:

Of course, doing so probably helps keep Luna gainfully employed :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

“Please. Come to my temporal office.” He point his hoof down the hallway.

Wait... Trace is a Temporal Agent‽ Does Doctor Hooves know about this‽ :rainbowderp:

“For magic to linger in the air around an large area like the city after two weeks, means we are dealing with something that could easily dwarf any form of magic we know or knew.” Cadance wearily stated. “Aunt Luna. This can't get out. If this was to get it would cause panic and mistrust among the ponies as a whole.”

Luna sighed. “We not one for keeping such things from our sister but... We have to agree.” Luna turn to Shining Armor. “Captain you are to investigate this discretely. Whom ever behind this does not know what we know. We can not scare them off into hiding. Less that know the better it will be.”

It shouldn't be kept secret from Celestia--she HAS a need-to-know as much as Luna does. It's all the twits in the NOBILITY that need to be kept in the dark! :facehoof:

9863196
Luna can be very scared when she wants to also not to self don’t piss off luna or make her made because she’ll hunt you in your dreams and y’ll very sleep peacefully age

Just a small note: you keep saying 'resident' instead of 'resistance'. May want to do a quick search of your chapters and replace those. I've seen at least 3 of 4 instances so far. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

9881316
As River Song famously says... Spoilers ^_^

9881321
Doctors 10 and 11 are my favorites.

Heh. From the way the last chapter ended, I had so hoped that Celestia had just dumped him in Luna's bed and she wakes hours later to find him cuddled with her. :rainbowwild::rainbowwild:

9903817

Well... what do you think will happen with Celestia after Luna's bombshell? :p

9903856
She's going to immediately hit them both with a sleep spell and then hit herself with the same spell to join in on the conversation! :trollestia:

9905040

I doubt that would work since Luna just had the spell end suddenly with a backlash.

9905216
Not at all. That sleep period ended because the kid was waking up due to the new day's sunrise.
This would be a brand new sleep period that Luna, Celestia, and the griffon would find themselves in. This sort of thing would likely have happened many times in the past, so Luna would know to just go ahead and use her dream powers to set up connections between her, Celestia, and ... and ... and ....:rainbowderp:
Speaking of which....

Celestia: "Um, sister. By any chance, did you get a chance to ask him his name? :trollestia:"
Luna: "... :twilightoops: ... oops!"
Celestia: "you had ONE job to do :facehoof:"

9905318

The dream walking spell was used just before lunch time while they was awake, putting them into a day dream state and during that time they was in the day dream time flew to around dinner time ^^

So it still the same day ^^ hope that clean things up.

Also like your idea at the end of your comments. That something I had in mind hehe ^^

May not be a barkeep but Donut Joe does just as well

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

I love that Celestia is already calling him her son it's adorable. And I know it's a long way off but when the school of friendship comes into play. I hope he becomes a student and a member of the young six.

9942527
A good question.

So... How do you think he should sound like in voice wise? Like to hear your opinion

To get off so easily with a allergic reaction, throwing up.
Kid is VERY lucky


9942984 Ain't it though

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!