• Member Since 10th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Electuroo


T

A few weeks after Nightmare Moon defeated and Princess Luna's return to Equestria to rule once more by her sister Celestia. The discovery of a young mysterious griffon emerges, the questions about this young unknown griffon grow as Celestia and many others try to find out how or where he came from.

No solid answers come and communicating with the young griffon going to be more of a challenge then they could believe.

But one rule... (Find out soon)

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 20 )

I: Huh... I remember seeing that coloration some where. It was on a pegasus named with the root 'electrum'...

One minute later...
I: Wait a second...

9829140

I gather you've figured it out. ^^

9829209
Ah, yes. Cool mane, by the way, bro.

I like it so far not many good human turned to griffon stories keep it up :pinkiehappy:

This has caught my interest. I like the idea of the possible main character (Griffin) being a teenager instead of a small child or adult. This is new and it seems good so far. I look forward to more!:rainbowdetermined2:

9829435

I will do all I can to aim to please.

9829565

It something that came to mind and I thought what the hell and go with it hehe ^^

with this much interest I definitely want to find someone to proofread it for me if possible that for sure! I like it to really glow ^^

Gently subtle: Checked
Good story executions: double checked
Not a pony: triple checked

Tracking story right now, also keep it up your doing well

Alright, I promised to read through this, so here I am.

First things first, the Author’s Note at the beginning caught my eye. It is quite lengthly and doesn’t really contain anything of value for the audience. Also stating that this was unedited—while it’s the honest thing to do—is hurtful to the story. To sum it up, most of it can be removed and the rest put into a blog post, otherwise it might turn away a lot of potential readers. It’ll simply bore them before they even get to the chapter.

As for the chapter itself, the premise is quite interesting, though the chapter was too short to fully judge that. The same can be said about the characters, though I really like the first season settings. As for grammar and spelling, yes, there were some errors scattered here and there (notably the wrong forms of verbs and such), but it was not as bad as I expected from what you have said. However, there was a significant lack of punctuation and a bunch of lengthly rambling run-on sentences that made the story quite hard to read and sort of derailed your pace. So, matters of style is what you mainly need to focus on.

And that’s all. Brutally honest, but I believe it’s better than pointless sugarcoating. Let me know if you have any additional questions.

9832056

Thank you for what you've said and I will take what you have said and use it to the best of my abilities.

Also the personal note I felt in my gut and heart was the right thing to do. Rather be bluntly honest but I will look it over and see what I can do to stream line it my friend.

Thank you for your comment ^^

9832131
You’re welcome, glad I could help a little :twilightsmile:

As for the note, the main problem is that when the potential readers decide to open the first chapter, they want to start reading the story stat. That way, you’ll also hook most. But if you delay them the actual story experience, they just might pass your story for another. As I have said, a lot of it might be moved to a blog post, where you can say whatever you desire, and still get a larger amount of satisfied readers.

Well then... It appears that Luna was ready for bed more than finding that griffin.

On another note: this story is very well made and I like it!:rainbowdetermined2:

But one rule... (Find out soon)

What's that suppose to mean?

9841537
You will find when everyone else does. No spoilers

I kept seeing the word "folk" but I think you meant "fork." Unless you were saying how the young griffin heard it?

Anyways, another well made chapter! I look forward to reading more in the future!

9842568

Thank you for pointing that out I think I got all those 'folk' and changed them to 'fork' hehe

And glad you are enjoying the story so far ^=^

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