A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Fiber Intake
Sunset took a long pull from the bottle. Flash couldn't help but watch, keenly aware of every drop of condensation rolling down the glass, every motion of the girl's throat. Just because they'd broken up didn't make her any less attractive.
Sunset released it with a gasp. "I needed that."
"I can tell. You want to talk, or did you just want a drinking buddy?"
"I'll take either right now." She nodded at the bartender. "But first of all, I'm going to need another of these."
Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "Y' do know this ain't hard cider, right?"
"You're the one who built a bar in the greenhouse." Sunset gestured at the rows of genetically engineered bean plants growing—and occasionally writhing—around and behind the counter. With the sun down, the rooftop skylight of Beanis Inc. had become a mirror where one could look up and see oneself questioning one's life choices.
Three ones took a moment to do just that.
Applejack shook off the ennui first and produced another bottle of fizzy cider from under the counter. "I'm just makin' sure you don't go foolin' yerself into thinkin' yer drunk when you ain't."
"Trust me, AJ, I am all too aware of how sober I am." Sunset twisted the cap off of her new bottle like it had personally offended her. "After Fiji, I have a lot of data on the subject."
Flash gulped and focused on the mildly saner looking girl. "So. Applejack. Sure is a nice place."
Applejack shrugged. "I guess. Aside from the bean dicks."
"Aside from the... yeah. Those." Flash swallowed against resurgent cider. "Wasn't going to... yeah."
"Flash, I made it very clear where we'd be going," said Sunset. "You saw The Couch."
"Are you ever going to explain why you say that like there's a capital letter?"
"My point is that we are well past the point of reasonable squeamishness."
Flash squirmed. "How about unreasonable squeamishness?"
Sunset gritted her teeth. "My point is that you clearly know what goes on here."
"It's kind of hard not to. I mean, the place is literally called Beanis Incorporated. And..." Flash rubbed the back of his head. "Well, Fluttershy's been handing out flyers around town."
Sunset paled, her eyes flitting about as she thought. "Oh Celestia, the print shop invoices. I forgot about them in all the other stupidity." Applejack nudged a glass jar on the bar. Sunset put a dollar in without even looking or breaking her horrified expression. "What kind of fliers are we talking about?"
"Maybe you should see for yourself." Flash pulled one out of a back pocket and unfolded it. "I was going to throw it out, or maybe burn it, but I figured you should see it. Didn't seem like the sort of thing that would happen if you knew about it."
Sunset gulped as she took the flyer. Her expression twisted into a confused frown as she took it in. "This is for the animal shelter."
"It's double-sided."
"Oh." Sunset flipped it around. "Oh." She placed it on the bar, very carefully making sure it was shelter-side up. "Oh."
Flash nodded. "Yeah, with the photos—"
"I know," Sunset said, not shocked, just weary. "I saw."
Applejack picked up the flyer like a used tissue and glanced at the other side. She rolled her eyes, crumpled it up, and dropped it a wastebasket behind the bar.
"Suffice to say," Flash said sufficiently, "I'm pretty sure everyone in the city knows about these things."
Sunset heaved a deep sigh and finished off her latest bottle of cider. "See, this is the kind of crap I have to put up with on an almost constant basis. I can't trust anyone here to behave with any kind of rationality."
Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "I'm right here, you know."
Sunset fixed her glare on the other girl. "You didn't stop any of it."
That got a shrug. "Tryin' not to get too involved."
Which, in turn, got a grudging nod. "Understandable. Still, while I was on vacation, everyone else showed all the fiscal responsibility of a four-year-old with a mobile game and Mommy's credit card." Sunset turned her focus back on Flash. "And that's what I am. I'm the mom. I'm the one responsible adult in a company full of naive children and horny teenagers." She groaned and brought her head down on the bar. "This must be how Celestia feels."
"The principal or the sun god horse?" said Applejack.
"Yes," came the muffled reply.
Flash sighed. "I hate to see you like this, Sunset."
"I hate to see me like this."
"I wish I could help, but I'm not really sure how."
She smiled as she dragged herself back upright. "Just having you here is helping a lot. Sometimes I just need a sympathetic ear."
Applejack crossed her arms, though a hint of a smirk crossed her lips. "So what's that make me?"
Sunset returned the smirk and threw in a sidelong glance. "Someone who's building better Beanis material from the genetic level."
"Fair point."
Flash scratched his head. "I mean, is it really that much weirder than everything you guys have done since the Fall Formal?"
Both girls stared at him for a moment. "Seriously?" said Sunset. "Twilight's working on a lactose-free alternative to our usual dildo fluid. How is that not weirder than literally anything that has ever happened?"
He shrugged. "I'm talking to a unicorn from another dimension. Bean dicks, even magical ones, don't really compare."
After a deep breath, Sunset said, "Flash, do you know how many times someone has come from the future to prevent the invention of the Beanis?"
"I get the feeling you're going to tell me."
"More than zero. That trumps any and all previous magical adventures I might have had."
"Okay, yeah, I get where you're coming from," said Flash. "I really wish I could've been here for you sooner, but it's not like I've gotten to see a lot of you guys lately. It's hard to be there for you when you're not there."
Applejack shrugged. "This is our job, Flash."
Sunset beamed and bolted up off of her barstool. "That's it!"
Applejack and Flash shared confused looks. "Uh, what is?" said Flash.
"What if it were his job too?"
After another round of mirrored befuddlement, the others both said, "What?"
Sunset began to pace. "At the moment, our security team consists of a product tester and a bunch of scarecrows on Roombas, and we know how well they worked the last time the building got attacked by a crazed mob."
"I worked hard on those scarecrows," grumbled Applejack.
"The point is that right now, we don't have anyone with a brain fully dedicated to physical security. We're not exactly in the best part of town, and even when we aren't facing down ravening hordes, we should probably keep those cultists from actually touching The Couch."
"What happens if we don't?" Flash only noticed his use of "we" after the fact.
"I don't know, but I have no doubt it'll be really fucking stupid." Another dollar went in the jar.
"O... kay... So why put me on security detail of all things?"
"Two reasons." Sunset wasn't pacing anymore, but she was bouncing on her feet. Flash couldn't help but think of their dating days, when she'd use him as a soundboard for her plans to escape and/or conquer this benighted world of techno-barbaric ape-people.
To her credit, those discussions had led to some amazing song lyrics.
Sunset's next sentence shook Flash out of his nostalgia. "First off, do you remember that time Wallflower stole your memories?"
He crossed his arms. "You know my point about relative weirdness? You're kind of proving it right now."
"Right, stupid question." Sunset shot a glare at Applejack before the other girl could tap the Stupid Jar again. "And this doesn't count. I'm talking about my own stupidity." Turning back to Flash, she said, "Anyway, while I was researching what could've done that in Equestria, I ran into your counterpart. He's a Royal Guard. What if that's a sign?"
Flash tilted his head. "So just because horse-me guards stuff, you think I should?"
"Can we even afford another employee, Miss Head o' Accountin'?" said Applejack.
Sunset waved that off. "I can shuffle the numbers. Besides, like I said, that's not the only reason."
"Isn't this just going to drag me into the madness?" said Flash.
Sunset beamed. "Exactly what I was going to say next. You don't have to deal with whatever nonsense we're doing in here. You just have to keep any external stupidity away from it." Dollar in jar.
"As much as anyone can," said Applejack, rolling her eyes.
Sunset nodded. "True. Still, you won't be involved in product testing, marketing, R&B—"
"I mean, it's not my usual genre, but—"
Sunset held up a hand. "Not that kind of R&B. Don't ask."
"Just so you know," said Applejack, "Twilight will use you as a soundin' board. She's been tryin' t' get more input from th' male demographic."
"Oh. A Twilight Sparkle will be asking about my taste in sex toys." Flash felt himself die a little inside. Somehow, he knew that would be far from the last time he felt that happen. "That won't be awkward."
Sunset clapped him on the shoulder. "Between the two of us, we might be able to convince her to shelve her crazier ideas. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the technology does have some genuinely good applications. Tempest has a whole prosthetic leg made of beans." She narrowed her eyes. "Not a third one."
"I wasn't going to say anything," said Flash.
"Sorry. Work with Rainbow Dash long enough and you start cutting off double entendres out of habit." Sunset sighed. "The hardest part of this will probably be convincing Twilight that not every bean-based product has to secrete dairy. What do you say?"
Flash sucked in a breath. "Well..."
A tinny rendition of a Rainbooms track started playing in Sunset's jacket. She fished out her phone, checked the screen, and visibly paled. "Oh crap, it's Twilight. I have to take this."
"Wait." Flash looked her right in the eyes, marshaling his expression to be as serious as possible. "Put it on speaker. I want to get an idea of what I'll be dealing with."
"Well..." Sunset bit her lip, laid her phone on the bar, and took the call. "Hey, Twilight."
"Sunset, I just had the best idea!" cried the painfully familiar voice on the other end.
"Do tell," Sunset deadpanned.
"Okay, you know that one video game peripheral that's basically seventy dollars for a bunch of cardboard?"
"Please tell me you're not about to suggest Beanises that interact with game consoles somehow." After a sizeable pause, Sunset said, "Twilight?"
"Sorry! Just wanted to write that one down. Definitely some intriguing ideas there; it's a shame we're past the peak of motion control. No, I was going in the opposite direction: Cardboard peripherals for the Beanis! Especially the one that uses vibration to turn it into a sort of RC car."
Sunset shuddered. "Twilight, I really have to object to people building cardboard exoskeletons for their Beanises."
"Are you sure?" Twilight said, sounding for all the world like a little girl who just learned she wouldn't be getting a puppy.
"Entirely."
"Well, if you insist." Flash and Sunset both relaxed for a moment.
A moment that ended when Twilight kept talking. "I mean, using bean-derived plastics instead will cut out supplier costs, but anything we save will be more than lost in manufacturing them in the first place. How about I show you some prototypes tomorrow? Something like this needs to be seen in action to be properly appreciated."
Applejack leaned on the bar. "Fair warnin', this is the kinda thing Sunset wants you dealin' with."
"Was that Applejack?" said Twilight.
Sunset shot Applejack a glare before saying, "We're discussing a potential new security hire to ease the load on Tempest."
"Oh! Great idea. I was going to ask Rainbow Dash for suggestions, but she seems better suited for recruiting for product testing. Who did you have in mind?"
"Uh, hi, Twilight," said Flash.
After a few silent seconds, Twilight said, "I'm terribly sorry, you sound familiar, but the name escapes me."
"Uh, Flash?" After a few moments, he added, "Flash Sentry?"
"No, sorry, still not ringing any bells. But if Sunset vouches for you, that's good enough for me!"
"Great..." Flash sighed. It was fine. Wouldn't be the first time he had to sweep what was left of his ego into a dustpan.
"So, I'll get those prototypes to you tomorrow, and then we can start workshopping names. Though you might be onto something with the exoskeleton angle. Exo-Beanis has a certain charm to it, don't you think?"
"We can talk about it tomorrow, Twilight. Good night." Sunset ended the call and shook her head. "Her heart's in the right place, really."
"I'm in."
Sunset blinked. "You sure?"
Flash nodded. "Anything that keeps her from building some killer beanbot army by accident. Or on purpose."
"Huh. Okay then." Sunset held out her hand. As Flash shook it, she said, "Welcome aboard, Flash. Between the three of us, we might just manage that."
Flash's first day opened with the front door glowing a few minutes after he arrived. This barely registered on even his personal weirdness scale.
Twilight teetered as she entered the building, trying to balance a tower of cardboard and processed legumes. Flash rushed to her side and took some of the stack as gingerly as she could. She gave him a painfully familiar smile. "Thanks. And welcome aboard, Splash."
"Flash," said Flash. The stabbing pain in his heart also barely registered.
"Right. Sorry. Set these down, please?" Once they put the pile of assorted... things on the front desk, Twilight rooted through them. "Now I know you're not technically on the product testing team, but I thought this was the perfect opportunity to give one of the more experimental designs a trial run." She turned and held out a bright red Beanis.
"Uh..." Flash just stared at it for a few moments as he tried to think of a response. "No thank you?"
"Oh!" Twilight giggled a little. For a moment, Flash could imagine she was the other Twilight. Then she kept talking. "No, I don't expect you to use it at work. Well, not in the sense you're probably thinking of. This is a Self-Defense Datanis. Not only does the e-Jaculate have a Scoville rating comparable to pepper spray, it's also loaded with plentiful data on decomposition and parasitology. Our focus groups conclude that those are suitably distasteful to most people to work as viable distractions."
"Focus groups?"
"Well..." Twilight curled a length of hair in a finger. "Mostly me asking Sunset what she thinks."
Flash found his gaze drawn inexorably back to the... SDD. That seemed like the safest way to think of the object. "So that thing is basically a penis full of mace that makes people see rotting corpses?"
"And Cordyceps fungus, leeches, Leucochloridium paradoxum..." Twilight pointed the SDD in a different direction with every item, as though pointing at different parts of a thankfully invisible chalkboard. "Parasitology really is a fascinating field, but a lot of people seem more disgusted by it than anything."
"Can't imagine why," Flash deadpanned.
"I know! Some people." Twilight shook her head, then left the SDD on the front desk. "Still, in the event you need to fend someone off, I'd really appreciate it if you could use the SDD. Especially since this e-Jaculate formula is designed to interact with any mucous membrane." After a moment, Twilight added, "You might want to wear gloves when you use it."
"I did get a stun gun."
"Please?" Twilight folded her hands under her chin and gave the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster.
Something wormed its way out of Flash's memory. "You have an older brother, don't you?"
Twilight coughed and looked away. "I don't see what that has to do with anything."
"Just figuring out who you practiced on." He gave his best roguish wink and held the... SDD in three fingers. It pulsed slightly, and Flash smelled jalapeños. "If it's my best option, I'll use it." Major emphasis on the "if."
Twilight beamed. "I really appreciate it. Be sure to tell me how well it works." With that, she went deeper into Beanis Inc., the piles of plant matter following behind in her magic.
Flash sighed. "I have made a terrible mistake."
The SDD pulsed again, as if in agreement.
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It's always the Beanis.
Also, I thought that Beanis link was gonna be TVTropes for a moment. You'll get there eventually...
Yo this was great. You did well.
You have no idea, Flash.
Oh boy, here we go again!
Well, at least Sunset doesn’t have to deal with this nonsense alone anymore, even if it does mean dragging Flash into the mix.
Goddammit, Foamy....
You would think that when the number of people who violate the laws time space-time and return to the past for the sole purpose of preventing an apocalypse caused by you reaches >0, you would rethink your current life choices. Needless to say, Sunset needs all the help she can get in keeping Sci-Twi and Beanis Inc. relatively sane.
This is the best-worst thing to come out of this god forsaken website, and I hope that we can keep this Beanis rolling for a while yet.
So...why exactly hasn't Sunset just loudly told Twilight this is stupid and awful and burned everything?
8956457
The pay is amazing, and the most alien illegal alien imaginable doesn't exactly have a lot of other employment opportunities.
8956465
I suppose. Just concerned about all the possible future apocalypses people keep coming from to try and prevent.
This is beautiful.
New tagline folks, pack it up.
I’m still convinced that Beanis is all one really roundabout way of Twilight trying to seduce Sunset, since Twilight’s too nervous/obtuse to just tell Sunset that she likes her
I liked the Stupid Jar. Nice subversion of expectations there!
So with the carboard attachments, when do we get the Beanis De Milo Legume-droid?
Why do they have a stupid jar? Seriously, what's wrong with Sunset using the word stupid?
I am beyond confused. I had no idea this was even a thing. Is this a side-story to another bigger story?
8956567
It's a running gag. Every time Sunset says something is stupid, she adds a dollar to the jar. Originally it was to save up for a trip to Fiji. I dunno what she's saving for now.
8956594
It's a series of stories by multiple authors. Follow the Beanis Cinematic Universe link in the story description to blow your mind.
These stories have taken on a mind of their own. Probably the only reason there isn't a rule about them like 5SD4 is because they are one shots. But I never fail to laugh at the insanity. Keep up the good beanis work.
8956465
The benefits are killer too. Where else can you please yourself with a bean-based copy of Rainbow Dash's dick on the company's dime?
First day at work and he's already had Twilight slap her hot beanis in his hand.
... What the F*** was that?!
8956835
Beans
Have I mentioned that I find that the BCU being and actual thing is utterly hilarious.
Dear frag did I get the filter working again just right on time, esle I'd have been (bean?) missing all the fun...
The introduction of Flash gave me too many ideas and now I'm writing more Beanis, and its all your fault.
8956489
GODDAMMIT SYEEKOH!!
I mean, I do agree, but it's the principle of the thing
I wonder how long until she becomes an Alicorn due to saving the world from Beanis. As much as possible, that is.
This was wonderful FoME, but please write it mature next time. It's bound to be twice as hilarious, at least.
It's a little disturbing that, for the last few weeks, there's literally been a new BCU story every time I've logged in to the site.
…
… beanfiction.net isn't registered yet. Just sayin'.
8956415
Thank you for providing the requisite "Goddamnit, (Author)" comment. It's not a true Beanis fic until someone does.
8956430
I'm happy-ashamed to have contributed to it.
8956489
Your approval fills me with pride, shame, and beans in roughly equal proportions.
8956501
That's the real tragedy of the Beanis Cinematic Universe: Sunset and Twilight can't find any way to communicate their feelings for one another that doesn't involve the manufacture of farm-to-bedroom marital aids.
8956594
If you have to ask, it's probably better that you don't know. It's too late for me. Save yourself.
8956601
Right now, I think she's saving up to send everyone else to Fiji. Whatever happens there, it's not her problem.
8956604
The rule about Five Score fics was instituted because a lot of them got started pre-transformation and were then abandoned before they actually got to the pony content. Here, the friendship magic is front and center. And it smells like burritos.
8956779
Sunset really needs to get around figuring out what qualifies as sexual harassment in a place like this.
8956835
A continuity wherein human Twilight becomes a magical item entrepreneur in the strangest and most vulgar way imaginable, with Sunset doing her best to maintain some semblance of reason and restraint.
Did I mention that Tempest Shadow is Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's daughter from the future who came from this time to prevent the reign of Beanos, leguminous overlord of Earth, only to become a Beanis Inc. product tester? It's that kind of universe.
8956896
derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/26/610337/medium.jpeg
I read it, and was filled with regret.
I'm not sure what I expected, but I probably deserved this.
8957073
You're welcome!
8957096
Eh, restrictions breed creativity. Besides, there are only so many times Sunset can walk in on people in the middle of product testing before it loses its impact on both her and the audience.
8957236
Clearly, you are the Harbeanger, as foretold by prophecy.
8957379
I wrote it and was filled with regret. Well, more dread than regret. And no small amount of amusement.
Look, the point is that there was a nonzero quantity of regret present post-submission.
8957384
Again, fair enough. Best of luck! And look out for oddly shaped beans.
...what did I just read and why does it exist.
Sometimes I read these when they're on the new stories page even though I pretty much know in advance that I'm going to come away facepalming and questioning my decision making process. I suppose it's some combination of raw curiosity, perverse curiosity, and RL appreciation of beans.
In this case it was the title, authorship, and Flash that brought me in. I'm happy to find some good Flash characterization here. He truly seems like a relatable voice of sanity amid the bean-madness. So props for that!
I see you have joined the Universe.
The limo has been sent around. You should be picked up shortly. The seats have been cleaned.
The title should have been:
"Men Come From Mars, Women Cum From Beanis"
Or something similar, to keep the pun.
8957372
8956330
CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT BEANIS IS!?
8957730
Physically speaking, the Beanis is a magical dildo crafted from bean paste. Beanis is also the name of Twilight Sparkle's company, since she is the one that made it.
The Beanis trend started out as me and Majin Syeekoh bouncing a stupid idea back and forth in a game of literary chicken. Unfortunately, neither of us blinked and now here we are.
8957730
Dildos made from bean paste.
Penis + beans = beanis
8957542
No they haven't. Who are you kidding?
In any case, a hearty welcome to you, Fan of Most Everything! Happy to see you're a fan of this thing as well, and I appreciate the addition of Flash to the cast!
8957759
Bigger question is, does it taste good?
Because I mean, not going to lie it sounds like it would be pretty taste.
8957990
No lie, if there was a refried bean log that squirted guac or sour cream...I'd eat it.
8957995
You think it could be used as an exorcism tool?
And what about transportation? Beanis jetpacks?
8957995
OH! And most importantly is Beanis Land a thing yet?
8958000
IT DOES NOT HELP WITH EXORCISMS.
JUST ASK SUNSET AND FLASH TOMORROW.
8957236
Don't worry, there's more coming tomorrow.
8958006
Beanis Land.
Beanis Land must rise.
And then be turned into Fort Beanis.
It shall tower over the land and pierce the heavens.
BEANIS BOT!
GIANT BEANIS MECH!
GIGA BEANIS PIERCER!
REENACT GURREN LAGANN WITH BEANIS!
Odds are by the end of this both Sunset will have become a raging alcoholic.
8958037
I'd expect Beanis sex robots (To continue a pun, Beanis DA Milo) before the inevitable Beanis mech. Poor Flash would end up having to be a tester "so they can get the male perspective" and then Sunset's geode would animate it by somehow passing on memories from the whole group (because magic) and they'd have a new employee who's made of Beanis....
8958680
They already have an employee made of beans. She's kept in the secret vaults.