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Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)


One day, just like that, Twilight decides she's going to die.

Edited by Pearple Prose, MrNumbers, and Themaskedferret.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 113 )

This story is a commission, for a user who chose to keep his anonymity. The reason is because I refused to wear any pants while writing this story, no matter how much they pleaded, and as a result the fic ended up being too powerful.

Majin Syeekoh

By the way, do you want your pants back?

You have quite the fascination with death, don't you?


Hey, you know what they say. If life ain't treating you right, go shag its twin sister, yo. That's the motto.

In all seriousness -- this is a commission, as the first comment says, and it's been in the works for a long time. The weird timing with the other comedy that touches upon the subject I recently posted is just a happy coincidence. Or a grim one. Really depends on how you feel about it, I guess.


Hey, you know what they say. If life ain't treating you right, go shag its twin sister, yo.

Goddamnit, write a book of parables already. The world's never gonna be ready for it, but that's the point.

Incredible. Majestic. Beyond words. You've outdone yourself yet again, hombre.

Really not sure how I feel 'bout it

Is this a Bayblade crossover?

Defeated, Spike went back to his corner, to sulk and suffocate in the paperwork.

The door opened, and Rarity blinked in surprise. “Why, Fluttershy, dear,” she said with a sing-song voice. “What are you doing here? And you, Pinkie Pie?”

“Hi, Rarity!” Pinkie said, bouncing all the way to her throne and waving her hoof in the air. “I’m done with cooking! Hi, Spike. Are you managing with that paperwork?”

“I don’t even know what most of these say!”

“Great! I knew you could do it!”

“Half of these papers aren’t even addressed to us! I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be for Mayor Mare’s office!

Rarity relaxed her back a little. “Pinkie Pie? You said you’re done?”

“I think I just outlawed something nationwide and I don’t know what!”

“Yeah! Wrapped it all up ten minutes ago. So, can I do something else? I’m bored!”

Rarity frowned. She put her glasses on, only to take them off and clean them with a handkerchief. [3] “Pinkie Pie,” she said. “We are hosting a public funeral, and seeing how this is our dear Twilight who died, this will be a huge event. Are you sure you are done with the preparations?”

I laughed. Very hard.

This is good quality. I'm tired.

Money well spent. Neat.

A bit confused, but this is cool so far.

You managed to turn tragedy into comedy and back again while having a good balance of both and do a very good description of death and basically, overall. What the flying flipper just happened it was beautiful and weird and what.

I loved it.

You have given me the single greatest description of farming that will ever exist.

More threads all neatly tied together than a sweater. Excellent. Your Evil Scheme will most certainly get an A+ on the report.

Plankwood took a really deep breath. “Your friend is humid,” he repeated. “Yeah!” “So she’s wet.”

Applejack you idiot :rainbowlaugh:

[4] Fluttershy was naturally quiet, and her shyness had made her extremely adept at hiding her own presence. The only reason why she wasn’t the perfect assassin was because she always apologized before stabbing anyone.

Wait what??

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Rainbow Dash said. “And I’m friends with myself.” AJ blinked. “Hey, you’re growin’ self-aware.”

I guess everyone just roasts rainbowdash now

Dragons are ancient beasts. They live so long, they barely count as mortals. Both Fluttershy and Spike knew this. He was probably going to outlive them all, sans maybe Twilight. If he was lucky. None of them said another word for a while.

That's actually pretty sad...:applecry:

“And that’s why police’s after me!” Applejack said, bright smile on her face. “Ah’m bein’ persecuted for murder.” “FOR THE LAST TIME!” came the booming voice from outside the palace. It made the windows rattle. “COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOVES IN THE AIR, AND NOPONY ELSE WILL GET HURT!” “So we can all call this a really silly misunderstandin’, Ah reckon. Do you mind if Ah tell them you’re my hostage? Makes things way easier.”

HAHAHA, I even can't believe it

“Yeah! And Twilight ain’t a mum. She ain’t pregnant. She’s just really wet.” Pause. “Applejack?” “Rarity?” “Sometimes I can’t tell if you have no idea what I’m talking about, or if you understand me perfectly. And I don’t know which idea is more terrifying.”

Not again Applejack, are you hinting at a Twijack ship?

I was planning on putting this story on the back burner for awhile since i thought it was gonna be really dumb but I decided to give it a shot and I'm super glad i did. Extremely funny story and i loved all of it.

I'm lost of words and my side hurts

The only way words could do this justice would be if I copy/pasted the entire thing. And I'm not sure how well fimfiction's comments box would handle that.

I'm going to guess "poorly."

^ Exactly this.

It was bat-shit crazy and weird (of course it's you so that's par for the course) but you also made it actually meaningful and sad as well.

Well done Aragon.

This is a 24k story that feels like a 2,4k story. Absolutely hilarious from start to finish, a perfect pony pastiche. Easily one of the best things I've read on FIMFiction.

I am only getting happier and happier that I followed you with every story you put out :rainbowlaugh:

In AJ's defense, "preposthumous" is a really preposterous word. Um. Erous, maybe? Erotic? But that gets us back to Twilight being all humid... :ajsmug::facehoof:

This is so unspeakably weird that it wraps around to making sense again.

Also, good on Dash. That bagpipe guy and his FWEEEEE was getting on my nerves too!

[8] It rounded up to around three hundred ponies and seven brain cells.

OMG, this is hilarious!
But at the same time impossible, you see, everyone or pony has thousand of brain cells,(or more) in order for the brain to work. The brain (and heart) keep us alive.
And every part of our body as millions of cells.

BUT what I think you meant for the quote, was they were not very bright. Still hilarious!

Aragon, I—:trixieshiftleft:



You saw how I responded to the last one when it was going through the Writeoff. You saw.

You realize you're actually getting (a bunch of) it right, right? And then embedding it in a farce that manages to (sort of) respect it in its own way? You probably do. The questions are mostly rhetorical. Especially the ones in the next paragraph, where you probably don't.

You realize my non-pony self is about to go through almost exactly the central idea of this (hopefully without triggering similar levels of absurdity). And you realize there was something that was more or less the premise of your last one which my other self has first-hoof experience with. And yes, they're related.

I'm not even kidding.

Goddammit, Aragon. :facehoof:

.... you've been crushing plastic pony figurines to powder and sniffing the result haven't you? This is brilliant stuff, worthy of the very best lunatics.


“You’re the…?” And here Applejack’s eyes widened. “Oh, Celestia,” she whispered. “Oh, sweet Celestia above. You’re an Ancient Demon of paperwork.


Oh look, my sides exploded.

My reaction to this fic: :rainbowderp::rainbowhuh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

This is quite possibly the most bizarre and beautiful thing I have ever seen.


This will be both magnificent and grossly under-rated, a comedy of errors, a crown of crackfic.

Well done.

This is both brilliantly absurd and absurdly brilliant.

Because there is magic in words, that’s why it’s called spelling, but there is also death. That’s why it’s called a sentence.

If you told me Sir Terry Pratchett had written this i'd belive you.

The late, great Sir Terry Pratchett - may he rest in peace - would be proud. Bravo.

This is one of the few fics that isn't just humor, but satire.

Humor with an actual point. And that's terrifying.

Twilight Sparkle woke up from her extended nap, feeling refreshed despite the sharp pain in her horn. She had been even more stressed out than usual about this year's Winter Wrap Up because Princess Celestia herself would be attending... and would be watching over her every move ... and would see when she made a mistake... and would get so disappointing in her... and would take away her princesshood... and... and... and...

She had been so stressed out, that a couple of days ago, she shouted out in exasperation, "I'M GOING TO DIE!" The cry had been so loud she was sure Spike and all her friends had heard it. Hay, the entirety of Ponyville had probably heard it.

Her long rest was just the thing for Twilight to realize just how silly all that was. Even if Celestia was going to be there, the Winter Wrap Up would be just like any other. She knew that she had the organizational skills to succeed, and even if she did make a mistake, Celestia would understand. Twilight gave a sigh of relief, knowing that she had absolutely no problems, existential or otherwise.

“Why am I in a coffin?”

(Excellent story, just thought I'd add my own take :twilightsmile:)

...this is one of the best things ever. :applecry: I love you so much...

I don't know what the fuck I just read but I loved it.

So who was Big Mac digging the grave for? Or was it one of those "just in case" things, like keeping extra batteries around the house?

[1] Princess Celestia herself had written this law, because in spite of her appearance, she greatly enjoyed toilet humor.

Nothing is quite so timeless as a good shitpost.


Oh, shit, good catch. Yeah, who dug the grave changed between drafts (went from Big Mac do Dash) and I forgot to edit that little line there out. Fixed now!

Keep it as is, it's funnier that way that somewhere out there, a red pony is still digging away without a clue as to why!

This... this is horrifyingly good

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