• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen May 26th


Wait, am I now just the one who wrote Mortem? 'Cause I think I'm okay with that.


Almost a year after what seemed to be the concluding battle in Celestia's great crusade against necromancers, something Mortem believes to be borderline discrimination, he discovers one of Celestia's armies setting up camp just outside his stronghold.

Not wanting to jump to any conclusions or risk angering the very powerful Princess, he concludes a diplomatic solution would be the best way forward. And so, he writes a letter.

Proofread by the wonderful Soren Mercer
Featured on Equestria Daily here
Audiobook versions by Illya Leonov and TheArchitect are here and here respectively
SoundCloud verion of Illya Leonov's is here

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 219 )

Ok, this is funny, now I need a mini series based on the deadly swords, or Celestia's reactions to the letters. But it had me laughing the more I continued reading it and the end was worth every second. Good job here.

This is the funniest necromancer one shot I've ever read :rainbowlaugh:

7382783 oh shucks, you're too kind. I'm really happy you liked it. And who knows, if I have a great idea to do with the deadly swords I might write a fic about their adventures.

7382790 Thanks :pinkiehappy:
I'm not entirely sure how many necromancer one shots there are but still a really big thanks.

7382795 YES! DO IT, FILLY! :pinkiehappy:

There needs to be more! MOAR! :pinkiecrazy:


This the best story I have read all week.

7383213 I'm gonna assume you've read more than this story this week and take it as a massive compliment
Thanks :pinkiehappy:

That was beautiful, I loved it.

fight got a bit out of hand, we got arrested, it turned out to be a gay bar, we made a run for it, and now I have a ragtag group of homosexuals I travel around with.

Sounds like the start of one hell of a D&D session.

what were the classes though...and which gender was the gay bar? we had a guy, but that means jack all in that scenario.

PS: I'm sending my grand-niece your way, she has many eldritch abilities but unlike me she is pink, adorable and indestructible

Yours truly
Mortem (Pie)


Shocks #14 · Jul 11th, 2016 · · 2 ·

Plot twist: Mortem's writing is illegible.

as unpleasant as it is, necromancy itself by definition isn't evil.

The best part is, at least for me, that I can't 100% say which parts of these letters are completely sincere and made by someone with extremely lacking sense of sanity, and which letters are full of manipulative genius. XD

And this last letter is why Celestia gives a thought to lending Discord parole. Love it!


that sounds like it would be a case of beautiful chaos. Especially if there was a size queen in that group, we had an elf archer in a game and she was that way. let's just say it led up to some very, very confused dragons. Great... now i have ideas for a paladin...

These are Friendship Letters from a Necromancer! :pinkiegasp:

It reminds me of my (sadly deceased...more than the usual I mean) necromancer during my last roleplay.
She was a cynical and prideful character , daughter of a fallen from grace nobleman... but was also , by a strange twist of fate (while respecting both alignment and the roleplay of each character) best friend with the lawfull good Paladin.
It was a fairly vitriolic friendship , but the two were always drawn to team up since they knew that they could count on each other.
(The Paladin was really sad when she was destroyed , best worded when he said "She was an evil abomination , and a selfish bitch , but she was my friend and someone I could count on.")

Anyway , it was a pretty good story... I suppose you don't plan on a sequel with Celestia's reactions to each letter ? :twilightsheepish:


The best part is, at least for me, that I can't 100% say which parts of these letters are completely sincere and made by someone with extremely lacking sense of sanity, and which letters are full of manipulative genius. XD

They are all 100% sincere at the time, with the expectation that they would be misread in some unknown fashion in the future. He genuinely forgot to tell the skeleton archers to stand down, because he really expected that his offer would be misconstrued, and if he was wrong, the messenger eagle would fall down close enough to be recovered anyway.

Neither insane nor genius, merely operating in a different box crafted to identically duplicate the form of reality without picking up on the subtler functions.

Our entire army was caught off guard, and despite outnumbering them an estimated five to one, we took heavy casualties.

:rainbowhuh:Those are some tough undead...
Regardless, have a like!:scootangel:

Beautiful work. There is only one way I think this can be improved, and that'd be removing the slightly jarring (but still well-written and entertaining) post-mission report at the end and somehow working the events into another letter. But all in all, excellent story, fascinating character, actual character development, amazing execution.

You've earned yourself a like, fave and follow.

I really can't understand how people enjoy a story with a main character this smarmy and self-righteous and yet somehow miraculously prepared for anything a conveniently inept Celestia throws at him. It's really no different from any other edgy fics that go on and on about how their fictional character is just so much better than another one. This is barely a story, really just a list of events that happen to prove that Mortem is literally just the best and baddest dude ever.

Me like. Me want more.
Why aren't I using proper grammar? I'm a dragon for goodness sake, we're supposed to be super wise!

But seriously, good fic.

what I dont get is why he wrote "We have plenty of captives so cross your fingers."...

Other than that, it's a pretty funny story.

you’ve even got a rag tag group of homosexuals who you can send on adventures

we made a run for it, and now I have a ragtag group of homosexuals I travel around with.

That was fucking fantastic. Well done.

People love seeing those with absolute moral views to fall on their assess. Celestia aims to check a box like he said, and chooses not to even talk with the last ticker.

Personally i love seeing her fall on her ass, and what this necromancer did is not OP on any level.

7384001 It's actually more like a comedy sketch. It doesn't matter what mortem or Celestia does. The main point of this is to make people laugh. But with you as an example not everyone can laugh at the same thing. Hope you find something else to laugh with today.

I loved your apethic and socially inadept necromancer, maybe we can get a follow up series, written in the same style

I was not sure what I was getting into when I started reading this. I am very glad that I did read it though. This story made me laugh and, in my opinion, might explain why Celestia was so adamant about giving Discord a second chance in the show. Keep up the good work, and I hope to read more from you in the future.

Well that brightened my day just a touch! Really do like to imagine Celestia's side of all this...

The initial mundane proceduralness of taking the last of what I imagine was quite a few strongholds... the indignation of a dark magic user addressing her like an old friend or diplomatic acquaintance... the irritation at his continual obliviousness to her intentions... her agitation as the old fogey continually outwits her general... her annoyance at his so called 'favours' helping her deal with her 'rebellion'... the anger at his ability to consistently pull one out from under her killing many of her ponies in the proses... the rage at his escape in the face of everything she had to throw at him, the last and weakest of a grave enemy... (Ha ha, pun not intended but wholly embraced.) :flutterrage: :rainbowlaugh:

..and of course the dawning realisation that perhaps the withering old, yet powerful and intelligent man, perhaps did have something of a heart left... and the bitter perspective of hindsight the maybe she should have just sat down to have tea with him and could have reached the same end without the bloodshed and suffering. :ajsleepy:

A lesson learned and later on in life embraced. It's nice to imagine.
I like it. I like it a lot. :twilightsmile:

Heh. I am somehow picturing him as a Pony version of Richard the Warlock (only with more wrinkles).

Hm. OK, that was commendable. I`ve half-expected the necromancer in question to descend into ridiculousness in the end, but... Yeah. Not falling into a common tripe here. Good job.

This is the funniest thing ive read all day.
There needs to be more of this. Like him sending letters to Celestia about the adventures he has been on and his accomplishments.
Then the only other thing I have to say is, I noticed a couple misspellings and one or two word choices that disrupt the flow.

I liked this a lot. Happy that Mordem got away.

I would love for this to continue, either from Celestia's side or Mortem telling Celestia about his adventures over the centuries

Okay, I am just picturing Mortem and his friends continuing on with being an adventuring group through generations. As the first group settles down and has kids, uncle Mortem teaches them what he can, besides necromancy, and the group reforms in their teenage years, and repeat until they finally become an actual guild with a necromantic head master. Because honestly, what else is he going to do?

I love it.

7384509 They're gay. Unless they adopt I don't think it's going to happen. Still like the idea of him starting a guild though.:pinkiecrazy:


I can't really call a story that's hardly anything except "this character is the best and does everything right" comedy, but, to each their own.

7384574 So, ignoring the fact that Mortem called Twilight and co gay, and the fact it was probably just the standard meeting spot of adventurers between jobs, the local bar... Oh, and the probability of their being a temporary sex change spell...

7384665 I'll give you that last one but he said they were gay in his letter.

the fight got a bit out of hand, we got arrested, it turned out to be a gay bar, we made a run for it, and now I have a ragtag group of homosexuals I travel around with.

helped deal with irl issues thanks. I still want to hide into my blankets and stay in my room for a few days but this story made it a little better thank you

Bro we need a story about Tia's perspective

Several hours later and the story that I'm the first to read and like and it has over 330 likes, and 45 comments, cool... No it's downright fantastic!!!

Truly a fun bit of nonsense. Very enjoyable.

7384191 Amen to that. This has real potential as a great adventure story. Cross the wisdom of an age old necromancer with the youthful folly of a bunch of young swordsponies, add in the occasional snide letter to Celestia, and voila! A perfect recipe for chaos.

I. Can't. Wait.

It depends on the magic system. In the Dresden Files it definitely is. Of course in that world all dark magic is considered dark precisely because it's an addictive power, leading eventually to god complexes and mass murder.

Got to admit, I know it's a comedy, but the entire time I found it hard to believe Celestia would not even try diplomacy. Even if it was something as simple demanding a pure surrender. Even if she absolutely hated all necromancers, how could she have not tried that to least save the lives of the ponies under her command? Especially when the guy was actively reaching out to her, trying to open a dialogue.

Like I said, I know it's comedy, but with that sitting in the back of my mind, the jokes fell flat for me. Glad other people enjoyed it, though. And like many others have said, I would very much like to see either a continuation with the Deadly Swords or this story from Celestia's POV.

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