This story is a sequel to Foal Necromancer
I got as far as I could. I wish I had more free time, but I need to face the music.
This project is dead. Feel free to have your laugh and then do better if you have an excess of free time.
By sequel, I mean rework. A re-adaptation. A different take on an already well-acclaimed story...
Please bear with me now.
I might've been talking big about wanting to make a better iteration. None of that was bragging at all, and none of that necesarily suggests that I should create a version the same as the original, only refined and polished.
That's not going to happen. I'm not Kytranis 2.0. I got my own shtick. And frankly, there are a lot of things that Kytra did that I do not agree with. Similarly, there are a lot of things I myself will do that the die-hard fans of the original will not care for either. Also, there's nothing wrong with wanting to surpass your predecessor, for the LOVE OF FU-
I will try a different take on the same central themes and general starting circumstances as the original, but everything else after that is going to be my own thing. A new shot aiming for the same target.
I don't actually owe the fans of the original anything in particular. All I owe is that for my own sake, and for the sake of anyone who might potentially take time out of their schedule to read my work, I need to create the best thing I personally can, through what means I personally can. That means through my own vision, not through someone else's vision.
The young are defined by moving ever forward and making mistakes, which they either learn from or disregard. You don't survive long if you don't learn from your shortcomings and adapt.
The Living Lich survived for a very long time. He has much to look back on and reflect on, before he can understand what happened and move on.
Princess Luna has had an even longer life than one can imagine. She forgot more things than most mortals experience in their lifetimes. She ventures to teach the necromancer a new way of life, but knowledge can be shared both ways.
Interesting. Though another guy is doing a sequel, your idea of doing a reboot is interesting. I really enjoyed the interaction between the Princesses and the necromancer during their first meeting. I hope to see more chapters of this story soon. Anyway, have a favorite and a like.
Curious. Slightly different tone from the inspiration, which isn't an issue. Necromancer seems a bit open, considering what he's been through. Might just be me misinterpreting it. A few places could use a bit more description to go with the talking.
Still, it looks like it will be a good tale, and it the start seems decent so far.
6024768 I was going more for the carefree cynical type, rather than the simple-minded whiny type. If he came out open, then my job was done. Remember he didn't have that many people to talk to, so he'd relish any chance he'd get for conversation.
Think Richard the Warlock.
I'll look over the dialogue some time later. For now my focus was to make Necky out to be as interesting as possible.
6024366 Thanks, but you can't rush perfection. Or, as close to perfection as I'll be able to manage. I'll be working on it regularly, but I don't think I'll have time for more than two chapters in the near future.
6024789 Oh god lord not Richard
*prepares a bunker*
Well, I'll see where it goes. As I said, its looking interesting so far. Curious to see where it goes. And wondering if the Everfree will play a role.
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LONG HAVE I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!
you have set a high bar for yourself.
lets see if you reach it hmmm?
6025067 Give it time. I'm actually planning on a completely different course of events and enemy, but it won't be done, checked and refined overnight.
good start
Lick and fav
any chance he will be human again
don't make him too friendly please
6025114
That would just be cheating.
The original was, personally, a very well told story. You claimed you could improve it...
so far so good.
I just hope you don't get sued. Or something, whatever the admins call it.
Quite the glove you've thrown there...
Hell, I've got an open mind. You manage what's both the most sincere flattery and worst possibly insult possible by actually walking the walk after that boast and I'll cheer for all I'm worth.
Or alternatively, you good Sir, are about to be crash and burn straight into the flaming heart of oblivion itself once the rest of the site gets wind of you badmouthing Foal Necromancer like that and not actually managing living up to it.
Either way...
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Whats up with your grouping of sentences and descriptions? The descriptions are unpleasant to read, and the narrative seems crumbly, and weirdly focused.
Anyhow I loved the original, and I am glad that you are attempting to write something similar. Best of luck with your effort.
6025462 I'm being reminded of the "good" old Belgariad.
Looking the right amount of funny here as well as seriousness. Read the original and your so far seemed to have improved upon it lets see if you can keep it up.
This protagonist is very different from the one in the original. He's not nearly as broken, and way more of an evil bastard (I'd say he's Evil leaning on Neutral, while the original was Good despite the best efforts of the world to shit on him). To me, he's a lot less likeable. I also don't get why Luna would want to adopt this version.
Really, this feels more like a variant of Retired to Equestria than anything else.
Also, pacing. The whole 'dead family' reveal comes just really quickly. It doesn't have the weight it deserves. Or he doesn't give a fuck, which brings me back to him being an evil prick.
As a personal note, I think it's kinda tasteless to criticize someone else's story while boasting about you're own. You damn well better deliver after that. And frankly, the first chapter doesn't. At least, it didn't for me.
6024366 Hadn't heard anything about a sequel. Can you give me the link?
Your name is kinda what your are doing here with this story. Please don't abandon this like the original basically was.
Good story so far, but you have set a very high bar if you intend to surpass the original. I wish you luck.
I'm going to agree with 6025913.
This version of The Necromancer —for lack of something better since this one hasn't claimed a new name yet, is an arrogant prick that reveals far too much in what he's needed to do to survive.
The original was hunted by all he's needed to do, and all over a tragic missunderstanding. Yours seem to find it mildly amusing, something that's quite unlikable given the nature of his powers.
Speaking of, the Original was clever, so reading about how he uses his great and terrifying power was actually interesting. This Necromancer seems far more cliche' and straightforward.
Take the same fight in the original, just to keep it fair. Original ripped the bones from one of the heroes, and fused them into one of the other heroes. Your's... called forth a few skeletons and raised a bone wall.
You also seem to shy away from the gore and grit, something that is really stupid for a necromancer story; let alone shoes as big as Foal Necromancer. The viscera and horror of what the protagonist is doing thanks to grim neccecity really should be far more pronounced than this.
That, and not only are is the combat too fast and dry, but also over way too fast. One attack actually landing on him, and that was because he stopped an enchanted blade with his bare hand? The only attack that lands, one that he allows to do so?
No. Just... no.
Right now things are going far too easy for The Necromancer. If he's so strong that even four heroes especially picked, geared and trained to kill him are this easy to defeat, why hasn't he marched into the throne room and killed the royal line that keeps hunting him? Especially with how callus about death and killing he is?
Oh, and why would Celestia and Luna tell him their True Names? There's a lot of difference between a show of trust, and handing a alien creature the keys to the kingdom to see what he'll do with them.
So, all in all, I'm curious where this is going... but right now, you are not even close to the original. Right now, that boost comes off as outright arrogance you simply won't live up to if chapter one is any indication.
Still, I'd love to be proven wrong, and wish you luck on this.
6024789 Richard? I only know about Tiny Dick Adventures.
Oh wait.
6025913 Here's the sequel, but it's written by another author, just so you know. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/237430/colt-necromancer
i have high expectations of you
Pft, necromancers. Merely wizards without the spine necessary to become a true master of the arcane.
6026020 Thanks!
You know what? I'm allready enjoying this more than the original. Good on ya.
I'll keep an eye on this but I really did enjoy the original. Not often that the good side of necromancy is shown.
You call Luna by her name prior to the introduction of her and Celestia
Did he become female as well?
Everyone wishes to see it live up to the predecessor. Gl to you
I'm only following this for the time being, because you have given yourself some colossal boots to try and fill. Badmouthing the original and then more-or-less saying "Look, I can do it better!" will do little to enamor you with us. Seems like a decent start so far. But I can't and won't make a final judgement until more is given.
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I actually remember reading the old one... I thoroughly enjoyed it so if you're planning to improve on that...
Ican't wait!
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This is an interesting take on the original. I like it!
Also, now that I have competition, I need to get off my lazy plot and get back to writing!
It's...back...?
twitch
I feel...So... So...
meh little hard to follow and i hold reservations, but i will give this a shot.
You have set a high bar and so far you fail to deliver. Just because your version is darker and edgier doesn't mean that it's better. The main character, I find hard to sympathize with him. He is lacking in character and from what you gives us he seems like a cynical douchebag with few redeeming qualities. In the original he was more likable since he was a victim of circumstance that managed to escaped to Equestria to save his life rather than whatever this is.
My interest is piqued, but you have large shoes to fill. Pray that they aren't those of Trouble shoes.
Okay. Not bad. But then, you haven't really drifted too far from the original yet.
I do have one criticism.
No. Her _name_ is Artemis Lunae. Her _first_ name is _Artemis_. She _is_ a Princess.
Let me use a different example;
Joe Bloggs joins the army. He takes officer training and becomes a lieutenant. He rises to the rank of major. He then gets caught up in a scandal, is stripped of his rank and dishonourably discharged.
From Mr Bloggs, to Lieutenant Bloggs, to Major Bloggs, back to Mr Bloggs, at no point does his name become anything other than 'Joe Bloggs'.
And so it is in the case of royalty. If they abdicate, or are conquered, they may lose their royal _title_. They do not lose a piece of their name.
...
Unless her name actually _is_ Princess Artemis Lunae. But then the proper form of address would be 'Princess Princess Artemis Lunae of Equestria', and that is clearly ridiculous.
It's not bad so far. But honestly you have done nothing so far that yells "I made a better story" than foal necromancer. If anything, you've undershot it so far. That said, I'm tracking this.
I love it
Skip on the Dragonlance this time and I'm good. I already liked the original perfectly fine, personally.
Huh.
Well, this story is definitely different than 'Foal Necromancer'.
Not better, mind you, but different.
All in all I think this story is okay.
The all around style: okay
The humor: okay
The telling: okay
The dialogues: ... eh
The pacing: ... meh
The characters: ... pending (momentarily the necromancer is either an angst-y teenager trying to play gangster or an angst-y, zynic and cliché-driven anti-hero ... comes all back to the humor, I guess. And a major difference between him and the original: where's the gentlemanly attitude? Oh speaking of which...)
The attitude: ...
However, this was only the first chapter, so this "rating" is practically meaningless...except for attitude...(really dude, calm down).
So yeah, I will continue reading this, as soon as it's a little more advanced.
Until then...
Cheerio!
~Nightjar
Yes! Friendly Liches/Undead/Other "Monster" Type Creature! Awesome!
It's clunky, awkward, and the characters seem... off. But there's potential here. Smooth out the dialog and the flow, fix some of the minor grammar issues, and...
I'll pay close attention for now. See what happens.
But I -am- super picky.
Your spacing is odd... seems to be some random triple spacing and a lot of paragraphs with only one sentence (not an issue in and of itself) that are also not double spaced. (this could be some issue with the site or something, I dunno)
So in chapter one: Necromancer finishes his spell, gets raided by adventures on a quest to kill him, has a fight and 'loses', banishes himself to another universe (going through two others without any real consequences), gets reborn (his spell having given him a ideal form for the world), meets the Royal Sisters and they put him on trial where they review his memories and become disturbed/sympathetic and have probably made their decision about him.
I think too many things have happened for a introductory chapter. Each of the individual events feel like they could have a bit more to them. Like they are all feel too brief... perhaps slightly rushed through to get to the good stuff coming up?
6026018
I have to agree with few points here, especially about things going too well, and things happening to fast.
Personally I would have left the entire memory scan between Celestia and Luna without the necromancer knowing what exactly they saw. It would have made things more interesting and allowed for things to be revealed with more consideration later.
6024789
carefree cynical type? huh?
so a man who has taken it upon himself to survive whatever is thrown at him in a world that hates him and really would like him dead AND perhaps secretly punished evil-doers with evil acts himself is "carefree"? if he has spent any amount of time planning/plotting/scheming then he can't really be described as carefree.
Its just not believable given what little I've learned this first chapter especially since necromancer seems more of a planning type. What with the scouting out possible hideouts, intense and dedicated study of magic to create new spells, setting up traps and creating/training minions, having contingency plans to fall back on, and generally being a few steps ahead of those that want his dead.
None of that reads as Carefree in any way.
Also if you using Richard as any kind of Example... well, I worry for direction of the story in general. Richard is kind of a shallow character, an extreme archetype of chaotic evil. A fine side character, but not main character material. Necromancer already doesn't feel like Richard, at all... so you may have missed the mark or he isn't really like Richard, except maybe in appearance or some vague wish of coolness.
Anyway back to authors description.
cynical? sure, keep that. In fact, I'd love to see more cynical quips, comments and observations. Hell a Cynical/sarcastic long lived necromancer that's also resisted the lure of undeath, while always running and evading people/organizations/kingdoms out to kill him only to have anything he builds (friendships, love, a life, a house) destroyed by his pursuers. And yet said necromancer while cynical, maybe even a little nihilistic, feels the need to right some wrongs and/or punish some evil. why? who knows (I doubt he would be able to explain it).
That guy seems interesting to me, I'd keep reading about him. the best part is you've already got some foundation about that guy.
One could say you're... necromancing the story.
I'm not sure what other people's problem is with him being very causal about the horrors he has lived through because I feel like it works very well. He has been dealing with this shit for centuries so it only makes sense that he has gotten used to things like horribly murdering people and being hunted everywhere so he would not feel any need to go into detail about the gore because he simply does not care enough to notice the details any more.
Similarly, his family died centuries ago so he has had a lot of time to accept it and that kind of pointless violence fits in perfectly with his jaded worldview. As far as he is concerned, they died because that is just the way the world works. That kind of thing just sort of happens and there is really no point worrying about it. He may stop that kind of violence when he can, but he almost certainly does so with his own horrible powers and without worrying about what that kind of "help" will do to those he is protecting.
I really really really hope this does not die the moment it gain traction...or die before it truly begins.
Foal necromancer is one of the few stories I couldn't power through even with the human superpower of spite.
The concept was interesting though, so your attempt has my attention and i'm okay with the first chapter. Do continue.
I do plan on reading this, but let me ask: will this story have the same comedy as the other? I noticed that the tag isn't there, but will there still be some? That was one of the best things about the original.
6025462 ...good point. I actually didn't notice when I walked into this minefield.
6025913 Oh, look. It would seem there are a few toxic waste bins here as well.
6026018 Is that Godzilla in the distance?
Seriously. When I started on this story, I meant it when I said I'd try to build on the original. Thank you for the criticism so far, however. I have the feeling that I'm REALLY going to need it.