Resentment and resignation
It was another peaceful winter night.
My stars remained in their place obediently, my ponies resting peacefully below. It seemed hard to believe that there ever was any time of grief betwixt us. Most certainly, it was nothing like a thousand years ago. I could only be thankful for my dear sister for this change...
It was just another silent, snowy night. Since barely anyone ever bothered to attend Court, and the nobles only bothered to grace the night on times of festive balls that rarely took them too far into the late hours. I didn't have anything better to do with my time either way.
This was far from unwanted, however. I enjoyed these moments. In-flight, on the horizon, watching over restful sleep. It was not often, but there were the occasional malevolent forces taking shape at night. This particular night, however, seemed as though it was going to be a peaceful one.
Indeed, it seemed that it was going to be just another lonely, cold night...
That was how it seemed, up until I was proved wrong.
”What in the name of the gods...”
A massive outburst of power erupted somewhere in the distance. It appeared to be somewhere near-
”No...”
It wasn’t near Canterlot, it was right above it!
I forced myself into getting back as soon as possible. I would've most likely broken the magical barrier if it was only sheer wing power put into the effort, but fading ethereal through the night sky made it unnecessary to force such a cacophonous stunt. It would only be a few minutes by the time I arrived from Manehattan, so hopefully, Celestia would be able to deal with the source of the disturbance on her own until then.
As I drew nearer, all I could ask myself was what this being could be. The amount of magic it was burning through, what was it doing? And why was it so... raw? Like it was swimming directly in the leylines, its soul was completely bare. It was naked, flaring and befouling so abundantly, I could sense its particulars from tens of miles away.(*) I hadn’t sensed a presence this dark since Sombra. Was he back? No, it wasn't the same kind of taint. It was worse.
Where the fallen crystal pony was boiling with fury and pride, traits which rendered him predictable in the end, this one's presence radiated cold, calculating discipline as well as boundless malice begging for a target. A great mind capable of untold atrocities. Such a foe needed to be caught immediately, lest it has time to gather its strength.
Whatever this being was, it seemed that it was not taking up any acts of aggression yet. Neither was Celestia doing anything about the obvious threat right at our doorstep. Was she being cautious? Truly one cannot be too careful with this particular kind of foe. After all, the fallen king was by no means strong enough to face us both, but he still managed to almost steal away victory through the use of his cunning and ruthless curses. This one did not seem as powerful, but he seemed to be more careful. Perhaps Tia was aware of more than I was? After all, she was closer.
As I reached halfway over the Everfree, I seemed to have drawn within range of the strange entity's perception, prompting it to flee. It moved so quickly, almost instantaneously, then it stopped just as quickly. That was not teleportation, the being seemed as though it was somehow exempt from the laws of physics altogether. It appeared the stranger could phase ethereal as well.
Its behavior was peculiar. It didn't do anything, almost as if it was only trying to goad us into following it. Was it leading us into a trap? Hopefully, Tia could shed some light on what was happening.
We took no time at all to meet up where the new being surfaced.
”Sister, what is going on?”
She only gave me an aggravatingly calm smile in return, as she usually does when she knows something I don’t. I was in no mood to deal with this, and I knew she noticed. There was only so much she could do to mask her reactions.
”It would seem that someone has decided to grace us with a visit. Someone from outside our world.”
Someone from another world? Truly? Exactly how powerful was this stranger? How much energy did they expend to get through the boundaries of reality?
”And why didn’t you take action until I arrived?” I accused pensively, keeping an eye on the stranger’s magical presence.
”Because I am interested in finding out what he wanted. If we know that, then we can predict his actions.”
So it’s a he, then? Noteworthy, I thought. I started towards the stranger’s new position, making sure to be subtler this time. Tia decided the same as she flew beside me.
”What else could you tell about this new player in our fates, besides it being a he?”
”Not enough. He’s troubled, and you’ve probably noticed how... unseemly his particular type of presence is, but he does not seem aggressive in any way. If anything, he just seems to be seeking to be left alone.”
”Be that as it may, we can’t allow him to roam freely. Who knows what he’s capable of.”
I couldn’t have timed my statement better. The stranger just so happened to decide now was a good time to start channeling power for a rather dark-natured spell.
”That’s necromancy! We must make haste!” I shouted as I took the lead. Tia decided to follow close behind, wordlessly though, and with no urgency. Did she know something else?
I’d assumed the stranger noticed our approach, but this time he didn’t try to escape. He was most likely ready to face us now. Who knew what gruesome trap he prepared for us?
He was within a cave. A perfect place for an ambush, I realized.
”Perhaps it would be best if only I entered, sister. We can’t be too... care...ful.”
Celestia decided to answer by just walking inside before I even finished. She looked back quizzically to gesture for me to come along. I sighed and obliged.
The amount of necromantic energy being used was massive, and it was all focused on creating one creature...
'Wait. Create? It’s not bringing any corpse back to life, it’s bringing a new body into existence...'
”Is he...” I started and was cut off.
”Creating new life? It would seem so.”
”But that’s impossible! Necromancy does not act this way! It’s a force of harm, not good!”
”It would seem that there’s yet more to this particular creature than either of us know at the moment.”
”So you’re suggesting that he might not be that bad? Or are you saying he’s just all that more unknown and unpredictable?”
”I’m saying that we shouldn’t decide on who he is in his stead.” She looked at me critically. I sighed in defeat. She knew me, that wasn’t a surprise at all. She didn’t even need to know me for a few thousand years to know exactly what to say to drive her words home. I afforded myself to wallow in the irony of the situation.
”Fair enough. I suppose we can afford to interrogate him and see which one of us is wrong.”
”I’m happy to hear it,” she smiled again. How quaint.
We tracked down the source of the spell to the back of the cave. There, what we found gave us both pause in our steps.
It was a foal. A young dark-grey colt with beautiful yellow hair. He looked malnourished, but that wasn’t what drew our attention as much as the disturbing way his eyelids sagged. It appeared that his sockets were empty, that he didn’t have any eyes inside.
What gave me even more pause, though not as much shock, was the presence of not only a horn on his forehead but also wings on his back. My words came out without my noticing, ”My stars...”
By Tia’s composure, she was affected just about the same.
Surely enough, the dark energies were mostly spent by now, what were left were active within the colt. Further inspection showed that the colt himself was, indeed, the source of the energies.
It seemed we’ve found who we were looking for.
What was going on here?
The colt appeared to be asleep, though I couldn’t see any dreams within his mind. 'Is there something wrong? Are the dark energies hurting him?'
I searched more carefully, studying the energies and their apparent effects. They weren’t hurting him. They were, indeed, creating this body from nothing but magical aether. However, the process seemed incomplete. The spirit was still settling, the mind was still forming, the soul was still syncing. Whoever was inside knew what he was doing. His ability was simply unfathomable. The skill, the knowledge required to recreate the minute details that made up a living body so flawlessly...
Fear struck. I voiced out carefully, ”What else would he be capable of?”
Celestia seemed to understand what I was hinting at and nodded. ”We need to suppress his magic either way. The dark energies are already affecting this body.”
I let out a huff. ”This certainly won’t be bothersome.”
Leaving aside the obvious main reason why no creature should ever have access to such talents, under any circumstances; Ponies are very profoundly affected by their magic, beyond simply giving them their cutiemarks. As for dark magic? The effects vary from the pony dying, to affecting the mind, body, and soul progressively, misshaping the body while it accumulates the energies until they either cause the user to burn out, or burst often rather catastrophically. Perhaps his old world worked differently, but the way things were going, this new visitor's body was not long for its new world without our intervention.
By nature, suppressing another’s magic is no simple endeavor. Cutting one's tie to the psionic field generally requires as much concentration to maintain as the target’s magical talent. And considering his capabilities thus far, it would probably not be too difficult, but not easy either. Hopefully, we won’t take too long to manufacture a runed relic to manage this task more efficiently.
Once we were certain our binding runes were properly written and secure, we then decided to take a look inside this strange being’s mind. See what we were dealing with. Perhaps it was cheating to simply use magic so conveniently, but when one has the ability at their disposal, why not use it when they truly had a reason to?
"Hello?" I spoke. My voice echoing throughout the mind and resonating inside the soul. It didn’t take long for an answer to come.
"Who's there?" a man asked quickly, clearly confused and nervous. "How did you manage to get in here?"
"Quite easily, to be honest,” my sister answered. "As for who we are, you’re speaking to the protectors of this land. Identify yourself, if you please.”
The mindscape was still forming. It was in a shattered state. Even so, we saw glimpses of the memories belonging to the human within. Most of them were quite disturbing. Others were downright horrendous. What manner of monster was this?
"I'm just a lonely traveler looking for a place to live peacefully. I have no ill intent."
"But your soul is soaked in blood!" I shot back. Surely he wasn’t trying to fool us, was he? "Tell us, human. Why should we not destroy you here and now?"
I didn’t want to sound so cruel, but my indignation was just nonetheless. Why should we leave him to roam freely, when he could just harm our subjects so easily, in manners as unspeakable as the ones he’d committed on his own kind?
"...I just want to live."
Hopelessness, fear... His voice held despair at the possibility of his death. He reacted just like anypony else would.
Still, that didn’t change anything. Even Sombra was scared in the end. And so was I when I was banished to the moon. That doesn’t change the fact that our defeats saved countless innocents. Regardless, we’d already decided to give him the benefit of a doubt before deciding his fate. So, we reached further inside.
The realm of the mind. It takes imagination to form your surroundings. So far, this place was still in the process of creation. It would’ve been cruel to try to dive straight in and look for our answers ourselves. Instead, I decided we might as well let him present his case. As to receive orientation, as well as to study his reactions. My sister likely wanted only to resolve this as gently as possible, but I wanted to look him in the eye.
We entered his mind, appearing as a black void all around. Here, we’d meet with his soul and question him.
As his pseudo-manifestation took in the sight of those belonging to me and my sister in front of him, his mouth gaping in shock (apparently he truly had never seen our kind before), we took his appearance in as well.
It would seem somewhat likely that his soul was already starting to merge with his physical body, in terms of appearance. Perhaps in a few years, as he’d get more and more used to this body, his default spiritual shape would also be that of a pony. Until then, however, only the colors of his fur and mane coincide with his clothing and hair.
A dark-gray coat and vestments covered his body, fair blond locks hung over his face, over the bandages covering his eyes, or, eye sockets more likely. It seemed that seeing him eye to eye was going to be a little difficult.
Personally, I hadn’t met many humans in my time. However, his appearance was not surprising. After all, they are one of the most widely spread, tenacious, and versatile races inhabiting throughout the Tree of Eternity.
This was not the first instance of another race visiting our world, even if theirs was among the ones that would do so more often than any other. It would seem that their race holds a certain sympathy for ours, curiously enough.
The human before us appeared worse than he should’ve. He was as skinny as the colt he now resided in, his posture was weary as well as permanently ready for intercepting and countering aggression, and there were no eyes under those bandages. He was caught at a loss.
Tia seemed more than eager enough to speak first. "A fair trial is the least we could afford you. State your case, and we will decide what best to do with you."
The fact that he saw one of us talk had driven home. ’Yes, human. The pretty pony really can talk.’ Even despite his arduous reactions, his mind was very active with considering a cacophony of possibilities.
After further deliberation, he closed his mouth, straightened his back, carried a hand to his chest dramatically, and took to a more proactive posture. "As much as I simply love the idea of having someone else decide my fate, might I first..."
"No," Tia answered with finality. The human betrayed quite the savage grimace, the kind I hadn’t even seen on dragons whose eggs had been insulted by intention.
He took a couple of calming breaths.'Wise,' I thought. 'So he knows who he’s dealing with after all, though he undoubtedly has his dark interpretation of us to fit his twisted philosophies. What might he believe? That we’d stoop to acts of violence similar to his? Perhaps that's why he chose the appearance of a foal, to further deceive and discourage us.'
I took the liberty of making sure his thoughts would be more easily accessible. The human looked behind himself to find a massive screen playing scenes of his life, melding in and out like in a dream. Only instead of a first-person, I made certain that the pictures would be presented from an objective look. This way, nothing would be lost in either transition or context. Just a clear, third-person perception. One moment there was a scene of a human child hunting frogs in the bog near his hometown, next there was a cloaked figure battling... what supposedly was a striga.
The alien sighed, gathering his bearings, and spoke again in his calm, collected tone of voice, which almost managed to make him appear reasonable and understanding for a moment. Perhaps it would have helped him wear his facade if it weren't for the memory of him skinning a man alive that was running behind him at the time.
It was hard to acknowledge his words. He tried to pass himself off as smart and articulate, but all I perceived him as was cunning and forked-tongued, "Although I find this incredibly unfair, I suppose it can't be helped... Where should I start now."
His memories started to fade from one to the other more calmly. I could only imagine what he was trying to look for. His main focus was to convince us to be merciful. Unfortunately for him, no amount of begging was going to suffice and no attempt to hide the truth would succeed, nor would it be ignored.
Only now did he notice his thoughts were echoing throughout the area. It finally dawned upon him that he had nothing he could do but tell the truth, from his perspective. 'Let’s see how he colors it. With pride in his accomplishments? With excuses and passing of blame? With callous disregard, or perhaps even joy?'
He was nervous about his circumstances, however. The feelings of anxiety were abound in his mind, all around us. The way he held his composure with all of this negativity coursing through him was impressive.
I found it even more impressive how he managed to calm the maelstrom with just a deep breath and a forward tilt of his head. He regarded us each with an even glare.
”Okay then, equine creatures which I have no idea what you are and how you're able to talk. I suppose I have no choice but to explain my entire life to you. Who I am, what I've done to survive, despite how horrible it all was, and why I became the way I am. However, before I start, I'd want to make a few things clear."
'Honesty? It would seem he assessed his situation intelligently. He also seemed to not be above resorting to snark.'
"And what would those be?" Tia asked, beckoning him to state his requests.
He started to pace, "As I've admitted earlier, I've done terrible things. I went through things that, if you would be so kind and check, you would need to admit that no sane man would be able to survive unscathed. I did not wish for violence..."
He stopped pacing. The images behind him stopped to show him standing in a field of dead warriors and destroyed undead. He was... dazed in his memory, at every step he seemed ready to fall over and join his victims. He did not seem happy.
"Since we're here," he sounded like he ate something foul, "perhaps you can choose to judge me fairly? After all, it would be too easy to just pick out a few moments from my life when I have been cruel, confused, or cowardly and just call it a night. If instead, you don't want to be a couple of presumptuous, self-assured hypocrites, perhaps you will consider challenging my reasoning instead. Show me how much better than me you are and tell me with a straight face that you would have done better. If you bring forward an instance when I initiated violence, perhaps you might consider checking for extenuating circumstances. You have heard of the concept, have you not?"
"Do you not feel shame nor regret?!" I snapped. I wished to do far worse than yell in outrage.
He seemed to ponder my words for a few seconds, "That would imply I did not try my best within reason, so no, not really."
'...He does have a point, but that does not lessen how much of a cheeky knave he is.'
"While it is true that I have acted on hate and apathy," I could hear Celestia hold back her dinner as images of gore and violence passed by, I wasn't doing much better, "when others come to you with vile intentions, again and again, well... To put it simply, evil has a habit of sticking to you. Despair... bends you and breaks you, you lose some parts of yourself to preserve the parts that keep you alive. But I say again, my circumstances were merely extenuating. I offer no excuses, I am merely trying to prove that I am not as unreasonable as you think."
"Those images... you're a monster."
He did not have a witty retort to my words that time.
”If you would let me go and not look for me, you would never hear from me again. I might've gone out of my way in the past to help others, but that was long ago. All I care about anymore is to be left in peace. Then again, that is the reason why I killed so many. So I suppose my argument is moot after all?"
He seemed to force down a rueful laugh, before sighing.
”Consider this. I am at your mercy. I have no control over my body, no say in my fate, no power to fight back. I'm not asking for any donations. I never beg. I'm only asking for you to listen to my side of the story until I consider there is nothing left for me to say. If you can judge me fairly, then I will defer to your judgment."
"Even if our sentence is dea-"
My words froze in my throat. He smiled at me, with insanity unlike any I've ever seen in all my centuries of life. Even Discord never managed a smile so deranged and yet so...
'Huh. Why does he seem sad?'
I shook away from the thought. I judged that if anything, it was... unlikely he was lying...
I turned to my sister, who looked back at me with a strange look of comprehension. I didn't know what she saw, but I could instead practically see the gears turning in her head, and I could have sworn I saw a twinkle in her eye.
"Very well," she spoke before long.
The human acknowledged, then he crossed his arms and started to pace again. "I assume introductions might be in order?"
"You first," I answered quickly. His reaction caught me by surprise.
He stopped pacing again, his previously smothered laughter returned like one of his undead. At the expense of sounding pretentious, I can only state the truth that cold and hollow echoes resounded all around, like the cries of a demented Windygo.
A couple of seconds later, his laughter calmed down then he answered. "Ah. Well, sorry. But I do not have a name to give. Not anymore."
I cleared out my throat. "How come?"
"Because I needed to get rid of it," was his simple answer, his tone barren, as the images behind him finally focused on the memory in question.
The images showed writhing in pain on the floor of a forest. Lacerations appeared across his flesh and blood spilled from every orifice. We couldn’t feel what pain he felt back then, but we did receive its memory. It was excruciating.
He needed to use every ounce of his concentration to keep himself from passing out, using his magic to both drown out the pain and do the only thing conceivable for him to save his life. Even if severing his name was only causing his pain to increase three times over, like trying to amputate an already putrid limb.
"They were using it to kill me, so I was forced to sever it from my being."
In this instance, he gave off neither resentment nor regret. Celestia and I knew what naming magic entailed, and what it meant for someone to sever it from their being. It meant that he no longer had a place within fate, that he would never feel he belonged anywhere ever again. That those who knew him forgot he ever existed, that any mention of him would be erased. Anything he ever did was either consigned to someone else or cast to oblivion. Leaving behind nothing but an anomalous thing walking around at the edge of your perception.
The alternative, of course, was that he would have been dragged with his Name over into oblivion.
"I got better, of course. That's not to say that the severing process and the following couple months of recovery were anything short of Hell."
While Purgatory is still worse than being a Fateless, it's not by much. To recover though... it's possible, similarly to how learning to live without your limbs without aid is possible.(**)
"Why would anyone do such a thing?" Tia asked.
"The simple answer? Human nature."
Despite his words, his tone wasn’t resentful at all. It was just plain, simple. Like speaking a well-known fact, like how the sky is blue and birds sing.
And then his thoughts started streaming forth on their own. It seemed he wasn't as honest with himself as he made himself out to be. 'Still though. Such resentment at his own species?'
"We're cruel. Selfish. Sure, we occasionally do acts of selflessness out of love. But usually, our kindness springs from spite, to go against those who wronged us. To prove we're above animals. Civilization, right. It's based on fear and greed; pain keeping us in the campfire's light, and arrogance in thinking rising in station actually means something. Everything in line with our instincts, our insecurity, and our worthless egos. Always preying on someone else, always making me the scapegoa-"
He took a deep breath to calm himself. He took a while in thought, studying us, before starting.
"The motive behind my branding as a scapegoat all comes down to a single mistake of my old, stupid, child self. I failed to hold my tongue and challenged a noble knight's word. That's it, that is all it took. About half a decade later, the king died and it just so happened that of all the people in the world, it would have to be the same knight I angered back then, who would later inherit the throne."
The anger in his last two sentences was genuine. However, it seemed as though he was angrier at himself than the knight he was speaking of. There was a fair amount of disgust towards the one who ruined his life, but it seemed he did hate the fact that he was human. Well, perhaps he'd be happy to know that wasn't a problem anymore.
"I hardly think someone would hold a grudge for five years," Celestia tried to argue. It wasn’t that she was doubting in another’s ability for cruelty, she was just trying to poke, and see the reaction.
Her reaction, of course, was a wave of glacial cold. One could only imagine the glare he would’ve offered if he could.
At one point the image behind the human was of a boy being held against the wall by his chest, by a knight sporting a look of arrogance and rage, being pulled back by an adult similarly clad in armor. Next, was a scene in a dark building. A blond young man in humble clothing kneeling, hands tied behind his back, in front of a dark-haired man in elaborate, rich clothing, not too much older than the former. The latter was holding the other's chin up by the tip of a sword. It wasn’t hard to distinguish who was who.
The human in our presence took the liberty of explaining what we were seeing. Not moving. Not giving away a thing. Just... standing there and telling his tale.
"He didn't need any reason to hold back. Being king, he had no fear of repercussion, since it would’ve been the most horrible crime conceivable to strike back at him. To hurt the king is to hurt the entire kingdom, after all. And he took full advantage of that fact."
'Untie him.' the dark-haired man said. Afterward, two soldiers came forward to fulfill the given order.
'Now give him a sword.' the royal continued, enjoying every moment as he slowly brought his terrified adversary up with the sharp tip against his jowl.
"He only needed to remember who I was upon being brought to him. He was in power, so he had all the right in the world to do as he pleased." He spat.
'Defend yourself.' the king voiced out moments before attacking fiercely, giving barely any time for his adversary to parry.
"I had all my life to remember that day. Maybe he just wanted to scare me? Maybe he only wanted to hurt me non-lethally? Maybe he just wanted me to prove my right to talk back at him. Still, his conceit and cruelty were clear on his face. It didn't matter either way. He was going all out, actively trying to kill me during his 'honorable' duel."
Throughout the one-sided match, the king sliced at his adversary's arm, then struck the sword out of the dream-self’s hands soon afterward.
'Pathetic.' the royal said to the kneeling and defeated memory-self. 'Are you supposed to be one of my warriors?' He spat at him in disgust, the Necromancer snarled at the sound. 'Weaklings like you only hinder the rest of us.'
He brought back his blade to strike him down. I could feel Tia gathering magic in her horn instinctively, which came with a small feeling of surprise coming from our storyteller.
'No!' The boy held his hand out defensively. As the metal sliced through his hand, halting between the bones, dark energy erupted forward, knocking the king back.
Everyone was stunned, including the young necromancer.
'Kill him!' ordered the king, and his soldiers obliged.
"It was no small miracle that I got out of there with my life," he concluded as the images showed him running past the still stunned guards, some of them running after him, others back-pedaling away from him, and still others going for their crossbows instead. He managed to reach a window, heard the stretching of crossbow string, and decided on his action. He jumped, tumbling off the cliffside once with a sickening crack of bones, into the river they used as a moat, where he was taken by the current. "It helped that fortresses are generally built to effectively keep invaders out, not to keep any desperate escapees in. It also helped that this particular keep was Richard's favorite place of residence because it had great accommodations, its fortifications were second in priority.(***)"
I and my sister both let out breaths we didn't know we were holding. "But you survived. Didn't you run?" I asked.
"I did,” was his answer. ”I ran and hid throughout the whole kingdom afterward. That was all that I could do for the rest of my life."
"What happened next?" I asked.
Up to that point, he maintained his breathing rhythm, even though it was unnecessary to breathe in here. Now, however, his mental projection and his entire mind were still. He wasn’t thinking of anything. Otherwise, we’d hear his thoughts. The screen behind him was trembling, the spell was struggling to remain stable. The area was getting darker on its own, our mental link spell was being strained. He was receding into himself, deeper, deeper still, it was as if we were falling into a void.
"After that, my family was killed."
He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t sad. And no, he was not indifferent. In that void, we saw his face. He was hurt but resigned to what had been done to him. Because that's what counts for normal for a human.
Stats
Page generated in 0.029 seconds
Total duration
1,019 users online
1,854,134 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You raised my spirits and dashed them aside, you recreated the same chapter but without the whole fighting scene and him dying, just the part when he was found and a bit on what Celestia and Luna did before he arrived. We are not amused.
Going over the first chapter again from Luna's POV, interesting. Let's see how and where this all goes
6058987 Dude. I didn't remake the chapter. I'm continuing from where I cut off the last chapter...
Wait. I forgot to explain that little detail, didn't I?
alltheragefaces.com/img/usercreated/4fa04e3e48b46.png
Nice to see Celestia and Luna's perspective of their views about the necromancer.
This is looking good, pretty damn good indeed!
Even if you decide to take this story in a completely different route than the original, these chapters seem to proven that you have the writing ability to make a great story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter mate, have fun writing!
~Valvatorez
More please
6059041
You explained it, but the chapter ended in the exact same place. We are not amused.
I take it back, you split the damn thing...and that's worse. Why would you even do that?
6059070 6058987 Actually, I'm still half a chapter's way from the "Oh gods, what have I done." moment. If it makes you feel any better, I'm really fucking sorry. Thanks for pointing out what I forgot to explain in the beginning, though. I could've sworn I did write a disclaimer. I think it was edited out at some point... AAAAAAAARGH!
6059070 I split it because it advanced too quickly to the big confession of sins past or whatever. It was a massive info dump that HAD to go. Or at least get diluted.
In the future, I think it would be better to use the [hr] tag and separate the perspectives while doing a single run through. Like:
We don't need to see the same scenes twice.
6058987 No offense, but he broke the chapter in two, the fight scene is in the previous chapter
I'm really enjoying this! I look forward to future chapter s!
:/
Well, there are many things wrong with your rewrite. I would sum them up as a lack of pacing and a sense of world size.
You were right to throw out the mind stasis spell and the panic diologue though.
Keep on keeping on man, this is getting good!
6059149 Yea that's what I said, he should have kept both chapters in one but broke it down in perspectives, wouldn't really be an info dump as he called it, would have been a better choice to have it that way but then again its his style, some people might hate him for it as the original author kept it his way.
6059576 I never read the original story, but I think it works better this way.
Keep up the good work!! Cant wait for the next chapter.
You know, I love how he's soo disciplined, calculating and wise that Luna can feel it, without seeing him nor his tactics, from miles away. Sorry for the sarcasm, but sometimes, it's needed. Alright, now onto the constructive feedback... I dunno, you could make a comparison between the dark magic fueled by fury and rage that Sombra was so fond of using and how in said magic you could feel the destructive nature of the caster, his desire to make others suffer, and then describe necky's particular aura as being the polar opposite, cold and death-y... and then have Luna infer that necky seems to be "disciplined, calculating. Wise" because he's taking his time, analyzing things...
Also, I'm calling him Necky because that's what others are calling him.
gesture?
his?
I enjoyed the original story because of I like stories where the main character is capable of dark magic and such, but started disliking it when the potential for advancement was stopped by Luna.
It's good to switch perspectives up to keep things good progress wise, but I have one major concern here and in the previous chapter: word tense. In some places, you are using present tense, while others are in past tense. I may or may not have even seen a few spots where tense changed mid sentence. It would be advisable to pick one and stick with it.
On a related tangent, it is perfectly acceptable to change tense for inward dialogue/thoughts, but it is common courtesy for the author to make some sort of indication therein. Italics, for example, are the most common method. This makes it much easier for the reader to keep track of what is thought and what is happening, as well as making for a much cleaner looking read.
That's good. So many authors rush through the 'acclimation' part of their _______ in Equestria story. Just fast forward two months and bam! The guy's gone native, get on with the story. Whoop dee doo.
No, I want to see all the culture shock and social awkwardness. What will he make of their ponyfied language? ("Canterlot? Somepony? Really?") Their grass/flower-based food? Control of the weather/seasons/day/night? Spontaneous singing, public nudity, sentient animals, Pinkie Pie? Measurement system based on limbs they don't have? How can they hold things with the flat of their hooves? And vice versa, how will they react to the things he takes for granted? All the little slices of life that builds a rich and interesting story.
Ok, NOW it makes sense. I wasn't sure what was up with the last chapter and those "flashbacks". Now I know it was just memory viewing.
6059627 Sigh... head against the desk.
I knew this was going to be a problem. I just really didn't feel like explaining the workings of how spiritual energy takes up part of magical energy, and how it imprints and personalizes said magical energy. How the mind's setup resonates through said energy. Gives an idea with regards to who is generating it to someone who's talented and knowledgeable enough. For example, an alicorn who lived for thousands of years.
But you're right, those things could use fixing as well.
6059500 It's only gritty because I'm still introducing the characters. You know, having them get to know each other. Which was something that needed to happen.
I was intending to make the story pretty much equal parts psychological trip, characters joking around and castle staff harassment. I went for multiple POV because I wanted to make the relationships less one-sided, showing that there's more to it all than one guy trying to accept someone who wants to adopt him. Especially since I'm now making someone a whole lot less obviously 'tragic hero'-y. Since I never intended on making this about a tragic hero, but a human with human feelings... which happens to be stuck inside a colt.
Yeah, I see where the problem is with that.
It was actually the reason why I was initially having trouble starting on this story. It's kind of... silly. It's silly and I'm trying to introduce grit and overcomplicate it.
Welp, that settles that. This whole story's dumb by default and it will never manage to replicate the original's
simplicitycharm and humor. By extension, it will never amount to anything and should be discontinued at once. It would seem that all of those funny, heartwarming, moving and conflicting moments I had planned out must never see the light of day.All self depreciation aside, I would like to point out that the WORST THING you could tell someone who's trying to make a remake is how "On it's own merits, this story is fine, but (insert why the original is better)".
6059500 One thing I like is how he explained at the start more than the original author... even though the original author simply did it in such a great way you completely forgot it once he had his body back.
I think the original also instantly found Equestria... and monsters with tentacles are un-imagiNATIVE.
Get it?
I have read too many stories with bad puns today...
6059936 And I don't know what
youpeople have against 'Big Brother's watching you'-Magebro from his old world that would have killed him if Mage knew he was the same guy who killed his friends...Oh, like memory wipe is any better?
*looks at Luna, looks at Twilight, looks at Fluttershy*
6059979 *coughs*
In the old story, there was this mage, who was able to see our Necro, but thought Necro was an alternate version.
Some people said it didn't make much sense for him to re-appear, but I liked him. He is my mage-bro, true to the motto 'Big brother watching you'!
Not bad. I look forward to more.
That is actually the one thing I didn't like about the original. After everything he went through and did he came out of it too normal and sane.
Nice writing on the perspectives, and you made Necky more apporachable overall - his internal consistency is more visible. I still do not particularly like the character (he is not really sympathetic, and lacks the humor for sociopathic comedy), but he is shaping up to be impressive in his own right. He may have been broken, and grown back together crooked, but this also means many things strike him at a different angle than normal humans - his acceptance of cruelty as a fact of life like bad weather is part of that, and likewise it seems that he has willingly atrophied many human or instinctive desires like food or company, as a matter of first necessity and then convienience. Which in theory makes him very resilient in the wild, but only on a limited level still able to comprehend how these work on others. Him being a prude despite living as a hermit seems the strangest part to me, though that could be unfulfilled desires morphed into sour grapes morphed into contempt.
6059821 Look, don't let people get you down. The original story was great. It's also dead. It isn't coming back.
Continually comparing this to the original is just beating a dead horse. Pun intended. It's called nostalgia. People remember the great things about the original, and forget all of the crap in it. When they compare the two, they are comparing an idealized version of the original to the actual version of the second. Of course you're gonna get people denigrating your work by assuming a hipster "I was there for the original version. It was better" attitude.
Quite frankly, the original had many many many flaws. I disliked quite a bit of it. I also liked quite a bit of it. So far, I like this version much better. It seems more realistic I suppose.
Either way, I would be sadder if this got cancelled than I was that the original got cancelled. So make of that what you will.
6060654
I was thinking of what I could say about this story (and the drama surrounding the author at the moment), but your comment really just sums up my feelings on the matter quite nicely.
In other words, ^ this.
Holy shit the comments went to hell. Yeah the guy is working on making the changes to what it is and it is a bit rough, but what the hell on attacking the author like this!? Sure what he did to the chapters was a bit annoying splitting them like this, but it does add a little charm. Now the Auther's isn't a freaking clone of the original author like they stated so it is gonna be different. This is doing amazingly well in my opinion. Just give the story time to develop and gain it's groove before you all turn into Prickasaurus-Rexs.
Cool story bro.
6059972
*Looks at Rainbow Dash, looks at Rarity, Looks at Spike...*
Now that we've got all of the low-hanging fruit out of the way:
*Looks at Discord...*
Hmmm... I believe the term to describe this chapter would be "Too long for dick and too short for Richard". There was no all-caps, which is always a redeeming feature. However, unless I've misinterpreted your sentence lay-out, you bounced between the 1st, 3rd, and at one point I think even 2nd person. That felt very odd. As for the story itself, I wouldn't say this chapter was awful, but it wasn't entertaining either.
6059821
Man that's my favorite part, if its done well.
Also this is really lacking in dark comedy, I liked the original for. Character info dumps, and flashbacks come after you get people interested in character. Splitting the chapter for twice as many info dumps, while it makes more sense, its still boring. This chapter was less interesting than sitting in jury duty.
People who know the characters, don't need the info dump. People who don't know the characters don't care. Getting info dump out of the way at first is boring, and looses readers. You are cutting out the fluff, and contrast to get to the dark parts, witch makes the contrast bad.
Eh... I got my hopes up. Good luck writing, but I stopped caring about this. Human edge lord has flashbacks in equestria, witch are ripoff from another story, the author doesn't even want to rewrite. Look if you want freedom for story, write your own story. No one is forcing you to do this, if you don't want to. Good luck, and have fun with it.
6061656
Missed the upkeep on that info.
6059821 don't get down my friend, its just people looking at the original through rose tinted glasses.
As a stand alone, not bad, not bad at all.
ugh, i want to see what happens after this meeting
no idea what everyone is so hung up about this story (read the first few comments only), so far I'm finding it better than the original, and I so hope you don't do some of the things the author did in the other story.
sealing the necromancers magic is an interesting idea and I'm curious as to how it will play out and what sort of repercussions it will bring
What I liked about the original? Hmmm... I think I liked the scenario the most. The main character I barely remember.
6061964 Yeah, well done explainations that fit the narrative are amazing. I also love it when a character will explain some new form of science, new to the ponies, and having the ponies react to it. Not exactly the same, but I've seen way too many stories go, "Well, here is is how this works..." and then cut off saying, "And then he explained about these things all night" without actually writing out the no doubt entertaining conversation! Those types of conversations are almost always my favorite in an entire fic. It always makes me scream that I didn't get my daily fix.