You're kidding me, right?
I couldn’t think during my synching. If I wanted my spell to run its course, I’d need to finally give in and let myself fade into complete unconsciousness. It might’ve left me vulnerable, but at least it seemed that somehow, I didn’t understand how, but somehow, I was safe from harm. Those two sovereigns wanted something from me. I didn’t know what, but I was going to find out soon enough.
Coincidentally, my mental seals were capable of keeping my mind from succumbing to any kind of unwanted changes of any physical, chemical, physiological or magical nature, including the particular way in which I’ve been physically changed. My physical mind was that of a naive, curious, vulnerable child, but my soul was still my own. Over the course of decades, I’ve inscribed defenses to protect the latter, as well as the former. They carried over, given specifications. If it weren’t for my precautions, not only would it have taken me the whole night to synch, but I would’ve also ended up sharing the mentality of what body I now had. I’ve gone through the process of growing up once, I had absolutely no intention of living through it again.
I focused on what mattered. My body felt healthy, no injuries were apparent. It appeared that they had no intention of causing me physical harm while I was unconscious. It also appeared that I was, indeed, no longer human. Which was something I had initially planned at from the beginning. What I did not take into consideration, however, was that my spell would do what it did. Being told that I’d turned into a child took me by shock.
I could sense the sheets pressing against my skin, only that it felt different. There was something in the way. I was covered entirely by a soft material wrapped tightly, but without any pressure, around me. I then figured that was how having fur had to feel like. I could also feel a number of other things. I could smell something odd in the air. Something synthetic, chemical. It was not an unpleasant smell, but I just couldn’t place what it was.(*)
I was resting comfortably on my back, apparently. I could also feel a source of magical energy wrapped around one of my... limbs. Pumping some sort of soothing concoction into my blood. My necromantic wards kicked in, but apparently I wasn’t poisoned yet. Only sedated. Also, it seemed that I was going to have to get used to human-equine dichotomy.
Before I could feel the energy around my... foreleg, I guessed? Before that, I could feel two marginally more massive sources of power. They were the same as those of the princesses from earlier that night, only this time I couldn’t... feel their spiritual energies. That was disconcerting.
I forced myself heavily upon my haunches, noting the differences in my new range of motion and the grogginess I was feeling. I supposed that whatever was running through my veins was some pretty solid stuff.
I conjured my vision spell, but it felt different. Like a glove I couldn’t fit anymore. As opposed to the previous times I reanimated, this time I didn’t have a hand at all to pull and stretch the glove around... metaphorically, not literally. Literally I had no hands to begin with. I tried again, and again it was to no avail. Apparently I would have to relearn everything all over again. Bloody new body...
I removed most of the spell’s parameters, only leaving its barebone photographic component. The image would barely have any clarity either.
I focused. Nothing happened. I focused harder. I didn’t care if I was going to blow a fuse, I was going to see where I was. I poked around. I pushed in all directions, then pulled, then stretched. Eventually, something happened. The spell worked!... But the resulting information I received was pathetic. Just two vaguely equine shapes to my right. I couldn’t even make heads or tails of the bed I felt under me. It seemed there were quite a few differences in fuel type which I would need to learn to compensate for.(**)
All the while I was listening to what they were saying. It sounded... ridiculous.
It was unique. The best way to describe it, however, would be kind of what one would imagine a horse trying to speak Elvish would sound like. Honestly, even hobgoblins sounded more respectable. Even centaurs would speak their nomadic languages in a semblance to humanoid pronunciation. Theirs was just too silly. Too... horsey. Too seely. Then again, upon considering it better, it did make sense. Their race developed their own specialized language, with their own physiologies and traditions taken into consideration. I honestly had no place to expect anything else.
”...Hoenje gahihrae bo’doho, gahenje nir’doho, hein bvriri ne...”
...But I still didn’t like it.
I didn’t bother trying to figure out what Celestia (judging by voice) said next. I just stared in their general direction, trying to project my disapproval. And considering the fact that neither of them exploded... oh well. Suppose forcing them into silence will have to suffice.
Once they stopped talking, I decided to give them a bit of my own language.
”You’re kidding me, right?”
Surely enough, the voice that came out was similar to that of a child. I’ll complain about it as soon as I don’t have any more important things to do. Also surely enough, some of the letters failed to roll off the same, even though the teeth didn’t seem that different. My canines weren’t as sharp, but they were still most definitely there.
I was not looking forward to having horse teeth. Finding myself to have evaded such a fate made me feel immensely relieved.
The silence was driving me up the walls. What were they thinking? What were they planning? I tried to re-activate my spiritual senses, and failed. It seemed as though I was right in my earlier supposition... although I had no idea how right I really was. This new body was built to accumulate a completely different type of primal arcana, and to use what it did have at its disposal as effectively as possible. I could actually feel the energy coursing through my whole body, but I simply didn’t know what to do with it.
...It made me wonder. If I were to try manufacturing a new reanimation gem, how likely was I to blow myself up in the process?
Answer: Not very likely. I would’ve probably just wounded myself lethally in a far less dramatic fashion, or misshapen myself painfully to the point of being unfit to survive any longer than a few minutes...
I shuddered at the thought of being turned inside out and torn sideways. Again. It was not pleasant the first time around, nor was it any better the last time around.
I felt energy being focused by one of the two sources of power, namely the one which appeared to share Luna’s voice. Then there was an enchantment trying to breach through to my mind, this time actually activating and being halted by my seals, non-violently. I let it through.
It appeared my mental seals still held. I suppose they counted enough towards being part of my spirit that they carried over.
"I am thankful that you allowed me enough leeway for a language spell. By the way, my sister and I were hoping that you didn’t intend on killing yourself any time soon.”
’Huh. So they found out about that.’ I mused to myself, thankful that they could no longer hear my thoughts anymore. I quickly got my head in the game and returned the younger sister's snide attitude. ”Hello again to you too. Thanks for not killing me yet. I appreciate it. Regarding my kill-switch, though, to be completely honest, it saved my sanity more than a few dozen times. Also, you’d be surprised how many times I needed to either discard my body after sufficient non-lethal trauma was inflicted, or to use it as a decoy to keep my new body safe. In a more important order of business, however, please tell me I’m not currently speaking in your language.”
Luna was surprised. I was actually surprised myself at how taken aback she was. ”...What’s that supposed to mean? What do you have against our language?”
”A few things, actually. Three to be precise. Seems to be a theme of threes going on. Oh well.
”First issue, no offense, but your language sounded like a horse was trying to speak Elvish, which is ridiculous in and of itself. Second, I hate elves. Third, why aren’t you speaking in my language instead? What makes you so special?”
”But... How does that even...” her confused stuttering was cut short when she saw me smirking and heard her sister chuckling.
She let out a frustrated huff as she walked around the side of the bed and seated herself onto a chair on my left, recovering her composure as she rounded me, ”Be that as it may, you’ve yet to answer my question.”
”I just did. I told you I don’t have anything against your language, though perhaps you were expecting a different type of answer?”
”Not that! Abo-”
”I don’t know,” I interrupted her. Simply. Calmly. No cause for alarm. It’s just that, she meant well, I could tell. But I honestly didn’t know the answer to that question, which scared me.
”I can't enchant a gem. I can’t engage the incantation for my Reanimation spell just before dying either. I can’t use magic here... But what I can do is make sure that none of this dark knowledge lands in the wrong hands,” I said, tapping the side of my head. They remained silent for long enough for me to decide to continue.
”It’s mine. I’ve shed my veins dry far too many times for the sake of understanding the workings of life and death. Having some random idiot use them to terrorize the countryside would not only be a gross misuse, but also an indignity to the point I was trying to prove.”
”...And what point might that be?” Luna asked, and I smiled.
'How should I go about having as much fun with this as possible,' I asked myself. I would certainly love to conflict with their undoubtedly shallow ideals of right and wrong. Good and evil... Or, I could be more subtle, see their own views first. Force them to realize the errors of their ways on their own, and see if they had the courage to admit their lesson.
At this point, I was running 17982 to 63 times, where the latter ones numbered admitted that perhaps they didn't know as much as they thought they did, whereas the former didn't give a toss and condemned me and my craft anyway, because they were not able to comprehend that there was more to the world than what little amount of self-serving philosophies they fashioned for themselves.
Let’s take it slow at first. I’m quite curious regarding my new... keepers, after all.
”Tell me. What are your views on my powers?”
”What is there to say? Necromancy is generally used to control dead bodies, or inflict pain or death on the living. What else is there?”
”Is that honestly all that you know of it?”
”If you’re referring to its crude, painful abilities to mend flesh and bone, there are many other schools of magic that do that less excruciatingly. Its schools of pain control are no better either. You could either cause it or mitigate it, and the latter is only done superficially. The mind no longer registers the discomfort, but the body and soul still do. You might’ve changed your body, but your soul retains its scars.
”Necromancy can further be used in order to establish contact with the spirits of the dearly departed, but it’s never worth the endeavor. The spirit experiences pain when they get ripped out of their due rest, and the caster often loses a part of themselves in the process.
”Finally, it’s a form of the dark arts, and our kind can’t use it without repercussion. Anypony who does risks their life, their mind and their soul.”
”Seems you’ve done your homework," I finally spoke. "I imagine you know everything there is to know about necromancy.”
”Please, don’t play games with me. I’m not in the mood. What are you getting at?”
’Touchy.’ ”Very well, I’ll cut to the chase. You seem very self assured of these side effects. Are there any documented cases of your people actually dying, or going insane, or losing their soul...”
”Yes,” she cut in.
”...caused as an unexpected side effect of the spell, rather than what the spell had as an initial, well defined condition? Or if it was something they could’ve avoided, but failed to for some petty reason or another?” I finished.
”Petty? Ponies are in Hell for using these spells!”
”Have you checked?” I responded.
That appeared to take the wind out of her sails. ”I... well, no.”
Saying that as if it's within their abilities? Interesting. ”Then how can you be so sure? You’re insisting that necromancy has nothing redeemable to it. You’ve studied it extensively and found how destructive it can be, but only skimmed over its practical applications through responsible usage?”
”Maybe I did. I doubt there was anything important either way.”
...To quote a dwarven friend I once had, 'The lass be lookin’ fer trouble.' The context might not be the same, but I still think it’s fitting enough.
”It offered me the possibility to not only preserve my soul, but also build a new body. Is being able to come back from the dead not important enough? I could use it to strengthen the bone structure, regenerate wounds quicker and more seamlessly than any other restoration spell and counter any illness, poison or toxin. Does that count towards nothing as well? It might’ve been painful, but it saved me from permanent death for a century and a half! And that’s not even covering the usefulness through cross-referencing other schools of magic!”(***)
I was on a roll. I didn’t even wait for them to ask me to continue, I couldn’t care what further detestable dribble she might wish to spew out. I was not stopping until either I stopped breathing or was done talking. Whichever came first.
”Necromancy, as with all magical fields of study, opens up countless applications! If a necromancer and a druid were to sit down and compare notes, odds are one of them would learn how to heal a burnt forest, while the other would be able to learn how to turn into a werewolf, at least.
”Even destructive fields of study offer positive gains. Crossing into pyromancy could, theoretically, teach how to render flesh resistant to both extreme heat and cold. It could even teach how to control and combat djinn. Similarly, any of the other schools of elementalism would allow to better combat semi-elemental spirits from the respective orientation.
”Mephits being partly made up of whatever elemental state they’re in at the time, they’re incredibly hard to deal with by a master of either school. But once I figured out how to create a mere spark, dealing with their fire form was made immensely easier! Tempests are exclusively air spirits, and although they’re made up almost entirely as elemental and I could barely create a gust strong enough to blow out a candle, the bastard didn’t stand a chance! Even wendigos, who would usually require a specific method of exorcism, who would otherwise just use you as its new host even if you defeated it, even their ridiculous immunities no longer mattered worth scabs once I relied on my knowledge of both air and water elementalism. The list goes on, these were only a few examples.
”I could cross it with scrying in order to not only detect the spirits of the living or the dead, but make out the signs of emotional pain, then later any other emotion. I could eventually distinguish their personality and composure if I were to focus enough.” (1)
”Necromancy could even be crossed with schools that aren’t entirely magical. It offers insight into alchemy, leading to many poisons, but also many more cures. I once used spider venom to create an acid that could eat through lead, and another time I created a cure for rabies.
”The possibilities are endless, just imagine what someone could achieve through decent, encouraged, well-funded cross-study into restoration spells!
”Now tell me, princess, does none of that seem important to you at all? Does even one of those things I listed seem like a waste of time? Do you still believe that my craft, to which I’ve dedicated my entire life, was POINTLESS?!”
There was only the sound of my heavy breathing for a while. All I could gather was that I may have taken them by surprise with my... conviction. I took a calming breath, "All I want, the point I wish to make, is that the craft which I've dedicated my life to, the one which I've been condemned for, is valid. That is all."
The break in speech stretched for a while longer. Eventually, the younger royal deemed the break long enough.
”Perhaps I was out of line. I’m sorry.”
’How surprising. The dignified royal deemed to lower herself off her self-important high shelf. I'd call this a miracle, but I know better. This is actually a bit of a turn-off though, we had a perfectly usable conflict set up! This is just disappointing...
’Oh well. Fair's fair. 64.’
Renewed silence followed, this time of a more awkward variety. It took Celestia to break it. ”...So were your seals a product of your cross-studies?”
”Yes,” I sighed, ”and no. The seals were of my own design, but nothing else was. Turns out there was one school of magic that happened to reach into the spiritual aspects of necromancy without the need for prior knowledge in the field. Shamanism has a branch called Spiritism, which deals with the spiritual realm only slightly differently from mine. I only happened upon a nomadic tribe once, who didn’t know who I was. Their elder was more than happy to share his knowledge with someone willing to listen.”
”Something happened, didn’t it?” the older royal asked.
Funny. I could’ve sworn I didn’t give anything away. It appeared that the sun princess was more insightful than one might think.
I slumped my head a bit. I don’t like dwelling.
”They were good people. They did nothing wrong. Their only mistake was finding me wounded and dying in the forest, then taking me in. Apparently that was more than enough excuse for the king’s men to have them all slaughtered.”
More silence. I just took to talking about anything that came to mind.
”From my newfound knowledge of spiritism, and with no small help from the shaman who continued to teach me from beyond the grave, I then managed to come up with ways to detect spiritual energy even more efficiently than I would magical energy. In a meditative state, I could technically find anyone on the planet. Later, I learned how to leave my body and speak to said people, continents away, then later still how to possess other beings. It took me no small amount of studying the Lich’s Pact spell to reverse engineer it, then cross my findings with my knowledge from spiritism to finally arrive with my Reanimation spell. Where I got the Lich’s Pact, well, that’s a tale and a half.”
After I finished, Celestia apparently allowed herself to escape a hearty, charming yawn. ”A tale which I look forward to hearing at another time. For now, I’ll be going back to bed.”
She took a few steps towards the door before her sister questioned her in surprise, ”Are you serious? Someone tells you about the time he inadvertently led to the death of an entire clan, and you’re worried about your sleeping schedule?”
”Everything he told us this far has been either one form of tragedy or another. It doesn’t make any of it any less tragic, but if that’s all that we’ll be doing tonight, then I’m certain you can handle it on your own. At least one of us needs to oversee tomorrow’s meetings, and I’m not doing it half asleep.”
This actually drew a bit of laughter out of me. ”Good to see at least one of you has her priorities straight.”
”...What?!” Luna practically shrieked. ”I don’t understand! How can you be so callous?”
”Because it’s as your sister said. Throughout my life I've gone through tragedies abound, difficulties that required a certain outlook to survive. Either I grew a thicker skin, or I would've died, or I would’ve gone even more insane than I already have, which would've also, in turn, hindered my efforts to survive.”
”You can’t be serious...” She resigned herself.
”No, I could not. I just finished explaining that,” I added to the fire, furthering my point and eliciting a satisfyingly exasperated groan.
”All jokes aside,” Celestia eventually spoke in, ”I just wanted to ask a few things before leaving. You don’t have to answer them immediately, I just want you to consider them.”
I delayed only for a few moments. ”Fair enough. Ask away.”
She walked back to the foot of my bed. ”You’re in a different world. You do realize that, right? Anything could be possible here. I guarantee that if you look around, you will be surprised by what you find. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find that you don’t even need that awful spell looming around your neck? Maybe you’ll find that you can even afford the use of your own eyes again?”
Her words took a while to settle in my head. By the time I worked up enough sense to ask her how she knew about my eyes, she was already halfway through the doorway. ”Goodnight, Luna. I’m certain you two have much to discuss.”
There’s only so far insightfulness can reasonably go. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought she was reading my mind. But she couldn’t have, because there are only so many possible ley commands a spell like that could be made of, and her magic didn’t even activate the entire time, save for when she opened and closed the door.
I shook my head and groaned. I wasn’t one to be outdone. She’s trying to get under my skin? Very well. A challenge it is then.
May the best human non-royalty win.
”So,” I heard Luna say. ”What did she mean regarding your eyes?”
At least the younger sibling didn’t figure it out. I let out a sigh of relief. It would’ve been distressing to find I’d lost the ability to school my facial features.
Focusing again, I argued, ”She was referring to the matter of why I didn’t simply regrow my eyes by now.”
”I thought you just couldn’t.”
”Ha! I can regrow limbs and major organs. I can conjure skeletal constructs from thin air. I’ve experimented with corpses and sewn together abominations. What makes you think I can’t regrow a measly couple of eyes?”
”...Perhaps the fact that I didn’t know you could do any of those things until now?”
”...Oh. My mistake.”
”Don’t worry about it. Though I would’ve preferred it if I didn’t find out about your talents...” She sighed. ”Okay then. Why didn’t you just grow them back?”
”Because they’re a liability.” I could tell she was only more confused now. I set to explaining, ”You know the saying, the eyes are the window to the soul? What knowledge does a ruler of this land have on the matter?"
"I don't follow."
'No, it would seem you don't.' "Necromancy does tend to have a hazardous effect on the user's health, and the eyes are sensitive little gelatinous organs. But with the proper protections and rerouting of ley fields, I could reasonably preserve them healthy as can be. The only problem was the one of the eventual soul-eating beast(2), or Mana Overload curse, or any manner of other advanced illegal magic that could affect you on a spiritual or mental level, using said organs as intermediaries. Windows to the soul."
"...Oh."
'She certainly seems to follow now, going by her now-further-tired tone of voice.'
It did seem however that she did have the monumental willpower to, oh, talk at the same time of being sad. How valiant. 'Playing it a little thick, aren't we? Honestly, this may be a different world, but what kind of fanciful realm is she pretending to be a - wait. She and her sister presented themselves as protectors of this land. They also said their titles were that of princesses... what's their job then? Telepathy magic tends to be iffy on certain commonalities across cultures... This is going to gnaw at me forever. Oh wait, she was talking.' "Sorry, could you repeat that? My mind wandered a little further than usual."
She sighed and valiantly repeated herself despite being sad at the same time, "I was asking for more clarification as to why you would still choose to use your magic when it involved mutilating you in such a way, but in retrospect I figure you would merely offer more mean-spirited tangents in answer."
"That I would, yes."
She remained silent for a little while afterwards, though I could sort of distinguish motion and pressure around the edge of the bed. My guess would be that she was rubbing her temples, which made me smile...
”Either way, I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that. Both from others and... yourself.”
”Are you really?” I questioned.
”Yes,” she answered without a second's thought. ”Honestly, I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, and everything that you needed to do to survive. No one deserved to go through what you did.”
”Huh...” was all I could manage out. I had a number of things to say, but nothing quite fitting at the time. Either she was wrong, or lying. I didn’t know, and it was really starting to get me frustrated.
”You can grow your eyes back, you know. We’ve told you already, it’s safe here.”
Yes, they did. I wasn’t believing them any more, though.
I could only shift in my place. ”How about we leave this matter for later, for when I’m not still trying to place your motives. You’ve yet to answer the rest of my three questions, after all.”
Just then, there was a curt set of knocking at the door.
”Come in,” Luna offered, and in came... someone who I couldn’t see. Because I was blind. Duh.
”Your Highness, your sister sent for a chess table?” a girl asked. My guess was, a servant.
”She did?” Luna asked. I could feel her magic activating, taking hold of something in the air and floating it over to us. ”Thank you, servant. You may go.”
'Servant! Called it!... Ugh, I'm so bored.'
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Wait, full stop. Are you or are you not the same person that originally Did Foal Necromancer?
6215201
Oh nice timing, I just finished reading this last chapter. It's a very interesting variation on the character, and I have to say you seem to be doing an excellent job of living up to the enjoyment the original story provided.
6215292 Thanks, I do my best.
The chapter was entertaining, especially with the many uses of necromancy.
Considering some of the creatures native to his world a kill switch seem more like a necessity to avoid a fate worse than death.
6215345 Thank you! I actually enjoyed adding that little tidbit. It was one of the many dime-a-dozen ideas I had planned for this reiteration.
6215437 Iknowright? Especially considering how his Reincarnation spell can only throw his soul in a new body after his old body expires. cft2.lki.ru/Texts/Guides/6/1284/reincarnation.gif
6215476 yeah the many uses of necromancy really surprised me in this chapter most fictions use it to enslave the dead and cause pain suffering ect. but in reality it probably have a wide range of use like killing off germs in a hospital per one example.
very nice chapter, looking forward to more!
Interesting chapter... Gives a lot of insight on spells and such... I really enjoyed it, keep on keeping on.
Very well thought out. I hope we will also see his spells in use in the story. I really liked Bones the Cat in the original.
Aw Yis. Moar.
Pleasing chapter hey. Can't wait for the next one.
I can totally wait. I just excited.
I love seeing this update!
still loving it very much. 
I like how you made the language different. Keep up the good work. 
Nice read so far, good work.
I'm loving this. Former villains/questionable vigilantes/innocent self-defenders are my favorite kind of character to read about, especially when they're on a subject they know more about.
I think that this story is better so far than the older version so don't stop the good work.
New chapter?
uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/archer-back-krieger-erection.gif?w=650
I absolutely love this discussion on magic
. Really love this kind of treatment of magic like science. This little discussion of ethics on Necromatic magic is nice. Gotta wonder why Celestia thought that Necky would teach others? Sure mages of all kinds like forming little groups like Circles or Acolytes, but really with the past Celestia knows he has why would she think he was social enough to do stuff like that.
6215476
I for one am just waiting to see the delicious chaos when this foal gets out of the jury-rigged hospital bed and scares the staff. But this being the castle, they'll probably acclimate pretty fast and take it in stride (Celestia's not afraid so they shouldn't be either). As for the nobles, well, no mercy for the inbred self-entitled unicorns of Canterlot.
Hmm, speaking of Canterlot, I do suppose our little foal is going to need a pillow for all the "headdesk" when the pony-punned locations start rolling in?
6222075 You don't know half of the stuff I had planned for him to do. Regarding the everybody-everypony trope, I can just say this much. Either he beats his head against the walls, or the entire castle does instead. It could go either way.
felt.
I have no clue what that is.
He hates elves? Good.
Celestia wants him to remove his kill spell. I get the feeling that Discord will try to warp his mind and his spell will kill him,
but hopefully he will have a phylactery ready by then; or he will have removed the spell and feel completely betrayed by the world since he was told he was safe and he trusted them enough to remove his defenses. These are the things I think of while reading.
heh, blind chess.
MAKE HIS RULES DIFFRENT
6225176 Nah.
6223491 I made a link to what I meant by his saying selae, though it turns out it was seely. The discord idea is a good one, but I already have plenty of stuff planned out. Maybe in Part 2, if I get that far.
He really seem to have the edge on Luna whenever they talk so far. I'm assuming he will have some surprises in store regarding that. Luna isn't exactly some helpless bimbo who was born yesterday.
Is it Richard (from Looking for Group) in afterword's comic?
Also, it's gonna be good if you can mention him in story. Like, fictonal char from fairytale. 'Couse "His battle cry is "For Pony." He argued about this with Cale who didn't think it was serious enough for a war cry"
Also, good story so far. Tip my hat (and trying to do so my bear).
6229636 It's from Tiny Dick Adventures. I'm considering having Richard make a cameo at some point, together with a number of other characters. Nothing big, though. Just background one-time things.
Thanks for the bear hat tipping.
After finally getting around to actually reading this, I have to agree with the early reactions this story got - this isn't well done, not writing-wise nor in terms of characterization. The original had both more nuance than this and a better presentation to boot, despite there being rough spots in the writing itself for both stories. Everyone sounds the same, the main character is more like a teenager's idea of what a "cool" anti-villain would be like than a real person and the introduction is all kinds of railroaded. You didn't do a good job with this.
6268276 So he's too perfect? That was the idea. Good to see I did it right. Sorry you lost interest though. But I doubt you were really sorry.
6258318 Third tier alicorn that lived for thousands of years. You pick up a few tricks.
6285358
I doubt you're going to like that way of putting it any better, but no, that's not what I meant. Not too perfect, juvenile. Childish. The entire thing put me in mind of a comic book character's origin story, and not in a good way, either. It's flat and and made the entire thing look like, well, a stereotypical bad fanfic straight from the beginning. Maybe I'm misjudging it with that, but even if it's done intentionally, it doesn't really give me any motivation to read further and find out.
6285755 Uh huh. Okay then. It would seem that I was mistaken in thinking that you were actually making a fair comparison. It would seem that I wasted my time trying to find a gram of useful information among your arbitrary blustering.
Try again, but this time with less bias and attitude and more actual explanations.
6286072
Lol, ok then, apparently you're that kind of author. In that case no thanks, I'm done. There's no point in talking to people like you.
6286091 You're the one criticizing about arbitrary bullshit and you're still the one feeling upset? Tell me, now. What the hell was I supposed to make of nuance? Since when is there a bad kind of comic book origin story? WHY do you think the intro was plain, and the character childish? Did you actually expect me to take your complaining seriously? Because as long as you don't make your point properly, that's what all of that sounds like. Not criticism, complaining. And I could honestly do without your attitude. What kind of authors are those authors? Is the fact that I'm defensive about something I care about really that upsetting to you?
If you're going to give a negative review, at least do it properly. If you're going to complain, explain your point. If you can't make your point properly, can't leave helpful criticism, if you can't at least be nice about it, then don't be surprised when the one you're bashing at is taking offense to your bullshit, kid.
Lose the attitude and go choke on a dick.
6290194
No, because I've simply met too many "fragile self-esteem, giant ego, can't take criticism or anything that isn't obsequious ass-kissing" internet primadonnas for me to be arsed to give it. That you're reacting with a bloody temper tantrum over the perfectly civil, if unflattering, comment I've made to this story only confirms that. I've given harsher judgments to better stories and the writers still had the personal maturity to take it to heart anyway and improve their story for it.
I gave you my opinion and owe you absolutely nothing else, unless you make me think you're worth spending that kind of time on. If you don't like it, then at least behave like a proper adult for once and cope.
6290233 Then I guess we're at an impasse. You're intent on barging in here, acting like an asshole, I'm not intent on taking it lying down.
Go bother someone else.
6290287
I really have no reason to stick around, if you don't keep replying. Fair advice, though? If you don't learn to tell apart criticism of your work and "being an asshole" to you personally, you're eventually going to miss out on more than just what would have been one person's reasonable feedback, if you had bothered to ask civilly. That kind of attitude is what breeds the self-absorbed incompetents that fanfiction as a whole is infamous for.
6290297 Nah, I'm having too much fun.
I agree, though. Authors tend to defend their work like the holy grail sometimes. But if you think I'm bad, then you have no idea. I've seen what this community can produce, and I thought I was being understanding. I actually tried to make sense of your "criticism". Just so you know, you're the first person to actually piss me off in this whole comments section, barring one prick who kept copy-pasting something out of context. The only reason why I didn't block you was because I actually only barely recognized the semblance of decent criticism.
6290324
Well, what do you expect, really? Earlier this evening, I told a guy I didn't like his first story, that it was kind of a mess and that he was probably better off just rebooting it. Instead of giving me an angry and butthurt-sounding rant, he gave me a Follow. If that's the kind of person I get to measure your reaction against, are you really in any way surprised that you didn't end up looking too good in comparison for me?
6290339 That's the thing about being an asshole, though. When a complete stranger calls you out on it, you disregard him. If someone you respect or care about tells you, only then do you maybe consider whether or not they were being honest about it.
Maybe you actually offered a fair point to that guy, maybe he was actually just looking for attention. Maybe this story really didn't measure up to a fair standard, maybe it did. I'm not going to be pretentious enough to assume this story is flawless. Far from it. But honestly, none of that matters anymore. You might or might not ever admit it, but this particular instance where you gave this story your two bits came in a fashion that resembled bashing too much to be taken seriously.
Give your retort. I don't give a damn anymore. At least be a sport and actually try to make it right this time. If not, then whatever.
6290377
Maybe. Maybe not. On the other hand, though? There are oodles and oodles of semi-professional writers in the world who would sell their soul for just one bit of real, unvarnished criticism, but anybody who actually reads their stuff already likes it and won't give it to them. That's why we need to have professional edtors, who get paid to tell you how awful that manuscript was. Complaining about honest, well-meant feedback because it wasn't given as nicely as you would have liked it to be - and I won't pretend that I was even trying to sugarcoat my impression - is just childish.
Still, I can respect that you at least didn't go the route of "block it and stick your fingers in your ears" that some people do. That displays at least a willingness to confront it when people criticize you, even if I can't say much for the way that you did it.
Interesting effort, and I may return to it when it's more complete, but until then, a few observations (which may not be the most organized due to late-night fatigue):
1) The necromancer is too talkative and snarky for having been a resigned, lone recluse for so long. Though I hate bringing it up, the original story had him recoil at physical contact, as it usually meant mortal combat. It's very hard for me to relate to a character that doesn't make sense.
2) The royal sisters seemed to be railroaded into taking him under their wing with no explanation. There was no period during which they became emotionally attached before delving into his memory. After giving their all against foes like Sombra, they throw caution to the wind in regards to this new, paramount threat. While it intrigues me that they'd do this, it makes them more interesting than the necromancer himself, who should be the focal character despite perspective leaps.
3) The storytelling relies overmuch on large blocks of dialog that blur their way past my vision like dull box cars merrily rolling past an intersection I'm stuck behind the wheel at. "Show, don't tell" may be tired advice, but is valid in this case.
4) With points one through three mentioned, I feel like the early part of the story was hastily drafted so you could get on with the permutations you wanted to try out. As a result, events read like hastily-rehearsed play rather than unfolding of their own accord.
5) Onto technical aspects, unclear dialog transitions occasionally plague parts of the story. Especially in cases where there are more than two speakers, sometimes it's necessary to provide some information about who's currently speaking so we don't lose track.
6) Too much technobabble: reading parts of some chapters is like skimming a fantasy game's design bible draft. I was expecting dice to enter the picture at any time. Roll for 20!*
7) Interesting new issues are too easily overcome. The language barrier could have been an important dynamic and a great avenue to distinguish the story from its inspiration, but appears to have been obliterated before it could do much more than babble its first words. I have a feeling he'll also get his eyes in a similarly uneventful fashion.
8) Finally, too much reliance on lengthy author's notes to explain what's going on. Reading these things breaks the flow of a story, but if I don't read them I feel like I'm going to miss something that I needed to know for whatever comes next to make sense. Even footnotes are pushing it a bit, since we aren't reading these chapters in page size chunks where all it takes is a quick glance down. Authors notes that simply break into out-of-character announcements and acknowledgements don't bother me, as they are self-contained.
*Story needs more mana.
TL;DR disclaimer:
I mean no ill will by any of this. I just prefer to offer succinct and mostly undressed** observations so that writers who read it suffer through less saccharine apologetics to get to the meat of what they possibly may consider to be constructive criticism. Not all blunt comments are from mean-spirited hearts. Some simply come from those who enjoy seeing others improve at their hobby craft.
**Though sometimes I can't resist.
Regarding my controversial decision to make eternal souls destructible, I would like to refer to the theory of why Heaven is so blindingly shiny that no Divination can pierce into it, and what it takes for the spirits in Hell to pass on, in a little webcomic I adore called "Dominic Deegan, oracle for hire". Maybe, I'll manage to make this matter pertinent to the story's title.
Also, sorry if this chapter appeared new, I'm editing on my cellphone, and the page keeps skipping and moving simultaneously with my pressing the screen. Which is unbelievably annoying
8566347
That was one of my favorite webcomics when I was younger :D, I especially loved Rillians portrayal of necromancy and how it showed that some of the less appreciated schools of magic (illusion) could be badass
8566347
Well, for what it's worth the idea of souls being able to be stolen, consumed, etc is one I've seen before. Though the others were almost always sex horror stories involving Succubi well...boning guys to death and taking their souls.