//------------------------------// // What's a therapist? // Story: Foal Necromancer: Soul's Rebirth // by Bold Promise //------------------------------// The cold fall wind pulled at the trees’ skeletal branches, and howled through long abandoned stone. The fallen castle of Eldwin stood in ruins, long since breached and plundered, left to crumble under time’s relentless governance. The day was close to an end, and I was weary from the travel here. This was where I used to live, before I moved into the fallen general’s crypt. Leaving a few meager defensive measures to make sure there would still be a ‘home’ to return to, I came here to retrieve a couple of things I had left behind. Not because I had forgotten them, but because I wanted to forget about them. The fact that I was now coming back for them made evidence how well that worked out for me. I climbed through the rubble of the breach in the outer wall where Morena's forces had managed through. The inner yard, once the scene of the violent and desperate struggles of war, of life and death, steel and blood, rage and fear... was quiet. Red, orange and yellow decorated the overgrowth, the leaves crumbled under my steps. The bodies were piled in carts and taken back to the nearby city they were guarding to be torched in ritualistic fashion, so their family members might be allowed that much comfort. I looked around for anything that might offer evidence that anything ever happened here, but there wasn’t much to find. If there were any clues, any rusty pieces of metal, any rotten arrows or bolts, nature made sure to cover them in now dead vegetation. After all, death was just another part of life, in the end. The inner keep was no worse for wear, surprisingly. Nothing changed, but as I went through the main entrance into the reception area/ mess hall again after so long, I’ve nonetheless looked around the room to take everything in. The overlooking balconies along the walls, for archers to rain down at will, if there only were any to answer the call. The empty weapon racks on the walls, decayed husks that haven’t seen use for a long time. The massive oak tables, broken and ruined across the chamber. I wondered briefly what the soldiers stationed here might’ve had for their last meal, in a group, before the invading forces arrived at their doorstep. The tales they’d share over a properly heated meal, the laughs they’d trade, the names of their loved ones waiting back home. I took notice of the scorch marks, arrows and aged blood stains left around the mess hall. I wondered what the last stand that took place here went like. When arrows flew and spears struck from between the tables turned into well arranged barricades, and armoured soldiers stormed in and overwhelmed. You could almost still feel the violence in the air. Leaving echoes of struggle and loss behind, I went further inside the structure. Along the way, my mind wandered again to what the last crew that came here seeking my head had gone through, in their own last living moments, similarly to the majority of people who fought here more than half a century ago. Or to the contractors that arrived before said crew came seeking my head did themselves. Or to the countless others before them, or the countless others before those. Consistently. Self righteously... As I’ve mentioned before, the last squad of heroes that came to Castle Eldwin ten years ago did not find me here. Instead, they were greeted by a trap that I had gone to great lengths to disguise as my own magical signature. As they would enter my room, they would've found a figure dressed in torn robes, hunched over away from them. In the back of their heads, they might’ve suspected that something was wrong. If they would’ve bothered to address me before moving in for the kill… which came in the form of various assorted magical bolts, daggers and axes being thrown at ‘my’ unsuspecting frame, then they might’ve noticed that what they had mistaken for their quarry was, in fact, an empty shell. Empty, save for a respectable amount of necromantic energy coursing through it, just waiting to come out. Truly, there was nothing odd about ‘me’ at all. Just another affront to their shallowly fabricated gods. Logically, they would capitalize on any advantage they might possibly obtain over me, sparing no expenses. After all the many minions they had struck down on their way, by this point they had made a habit out of simply dispatching threats on sight. They were all trigger-happy now, and it only took one of them to give into their excitement in order for all of them to need to commit, but it would've been no use. The moment my puppet's flesh was breached, their fate was sealed. In the end, they had no reason to act any differently than they did. If they did, then they wouldn’t have died. If they did, then they would’ve survived to die by my hand when they’d pursue me at my new location. However, my preparations proved sufficient this time, which meant that their lives had ended here, like the many others before them. Was there anything else to say on the matter? Did these men and… woman, by the looks of the skeletons, have a meaningful end to mirror their life choices, or my own decayed lifestyle? Did their lives mean any more than the ones of the countless others that preceded them? Perhaps. But none of that really affected the end result, now did it? Through blurry vision from the myriad effects of my Omniplague affecting their entire bodies far faster than any Inoculation spell could possibly protect against, the last thing they would see would be my soulless corpse standing back up despite its grievous wounds, pulling out one of the daggers sticking out of its back, turning around, then approaching them, ever so slowly, a red glow coming from within its empty eyesockets. My world didn’t offer me much to work with in the way of excuses for what I needed to do. I had reasons, yes, but justification was an entirely different matter altogether. At first, I alienated myself from my enemies as well. Which had an… effect on me. It turned out that simply killing members of my race wasn’t exactly good for my sanity, which was why I didn’t manage all that well on my own, until Abe, her father and their tribe somehow happened across me. I might’ve had my share of enemies, but I also had many friends as well. Friends which, if it weren’t for them, if I somehow managed to survive without getting to know them, to learn from them, then I would’ve been a lot… worse. You need a justification. A certain understanding of the world, one that serves your own particular lifestyle. You need hope, otherwise the winding, unending road ahead of you becomes impossible. Without the knowledge that there’s some kind of meaning to the difficulties along said road, then you eventually just either stop being able to keep going, or you make compromises on others' behalf and find yourself becoming the same breed of thuggish mongrel that tormented you. You confirm their pretext that you're a monster. Not that the opinions of such conceited individuals hold any value. It does, unfortunately, numb ration, blurr the distinction between right and wrong. And you find yourself capable of doing unto innocents the same that was once upon a time done unto you. And you're left wondering what you have left. You can’t live without hope, and you can’t hope without having a proper basis for justifying your own actions. It’s according to your own justification that you define yourself. I did not let the world choose who I was, nor did I tell myself I did something because I was forced. My justification was not an excuse that life was hard, but a vow to hold on to life, to maintain control of it, and to hold on to what I believed set me apart. I lived a long life. I learned a lot of things, met many different people, either friend or foe. I like to think I know a few things that others might not. Most of those things I’ve learned on my own, but some of them, I’ve learned from those who truly mattered to me. I took life one step at a time. How else do you ever manage the distance? There might’ve been objectives from time to time, but after a while, those lost meaning as well. Grievances got buried, fancies became tasteless. What meaning I did retain, what basis for my justification, were found in company. All else became mere distraction. Even the rush... Even the all-consuming experience of a kill. Even that became trite after a while. I didn’t want to die, so I survived. I wanted power, so I did questionable things to achieve it. I was bored, so I sought out something to keep my mind busy. Pure and simple, action and reaction, pointless without a purpose. I wanted to protect those who mattered to me, so I did all I could in order to do so. I found someone willing to listen to my drivel, so I savored conversation. I found someone who didn’t have anything better to do than to humor my presence, so I sought out their company as well… Company was the least dull. Company was something I still wanted. Let’s be honest here. I was in no position to ask the sisters to give me my magic back. I might’ve been a tad upset when I first found out that they took it away from me, but I got over it. Sure, I felt exposed and vulnerable, but not because I didn’t have my magic. After all, what would I hope to be able to do against a couple of ancient demigod rulers of an entire race of magically enhanced creatures? Honestly, having my magic would only make matters worse, because then I’d actually pose a threat to them. So essentially, my very defenselessness was what saved me in the first place… assuming I was in any danger in this new world to begin with. Still. Monumental power and patience or no, what bothered me wasn’t their sealing away my magic in and of itself, but their being dishonest about it. They lied to me, which hurt my feelings. ...Seriously, though. The fact that they lied to me opened up the possibility of them lying about other things as well. Why did they lie about this in particular? The question nagged at me like a particularly rotten boil. I studied my ‘keepers’ attentively. Celestia seemed to regard me just as carefully. The small amount of tension I managed to pick up on spoke volumes. Apparently my grand reveal earlier did make her feel concerned, if at least slightly. We continued staring at each other. She was too proud to back down, but neither was I of any inclination to start being the lesser participant of our disputes. I started explaining my point of view, arduously. “I understand that you didn’t feel comfortable trusting me with the means to harm others. I don’t blame you for that. What I blame you for, however, is the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to tell me what you did. Was there any particular reason why you didn’t tell me that you sealed away my necromancy?” “Well,” Celestia started, before I cut her off again. “You know what? I just remembered, I don’t really care enough right now for any excuses. Tell me, do I still pose a threat to any of your subjects?” My question seemed to have taken them by surprise. “No,” answered Luna. “Why?” To the royal sisters’ growing confusion, I decided I didn’t have any further reason to take part in this meeting. I jumped off the desk and headed for the doorway. “In that case, unless you want to hold me prisoner, I believe I will go for a walk.” The older sibling decided to finally speak, “So you’re not concerned about the fact that someone is sending dangerous creatures after you?” “Yes I am, but I won’t have a Snallighast make me live in fear,” I answered. I did not have the chance to go very far, however, as I felt the floor distancing from my… hooves. Turned me around to face me better, the younger sister confronted me, “Leaving aside your reckless pride, what exactly do you plan to do on your own, when you’re blind and can’t even speak the local language?” “Leaving aside the fact that I can’t imagine it being that hard for you to just enchant a pair of spectacles to allow me to see,” I snarked right back, “I believe I will be able to manage well enough on my own. Now if you would kindly allow me the small dignity of leaving the room by my own accord, I would not hold it against you.” She was about to reply, but I hadn’t finished. “There is the matter of how I’ve spent the last six months in a cave, preparing to travel here, not even knowing how feasible the spell I was preparing was in practice. I can handle having you impose upon me your subjective opinions on what is best for me, but I won’t wait any longer to finally walk under the sun after so long, no matter what either you or that Snallighast might have to say.” After a brief delay, Luna placed me back down. “We can see the Royal Gardens. They’re a nice change of scenery this time of day.” I did not answer. I was not in a very humoring mood. I was running short on humor. The sky was clear. The noon sun shone and warmed my back, the snow numbed my hooves. I gulped down a lungful of fresh, cold air, enjoying the smell of winter. “Are you upset with me?” Luna’s question remained unanswered. Apparently, she didn’t enjoy that. She persisted, “I meant to tell you about our seal, just not yet.” Seeing as I was still not talking, she went on, “Necromancy acts differently in this world. Ponies are more sensitive to the magical energies they use than humans are. It affects us to such an extent that there are multiple races shaped by it to this day. More than a dozen, not even taking into account those who made their home within the outer fringes of-” “I enjoy your company, Luna,” I finally interrupted. “Presently, however, I’d like some time in silence. Can you do that? Can you stay quiet?” She obliged, fortunately. I was upset at her, but I still wanted us to be friends. I honestly did not look forward to having our exchanges devolve into a more physical nature. I was upset with her, just not quite enough to want to snap her neck yet. However, nor was I about to hear any more of her excuses either. I hate excuses even in the best of days. I was still not used to walking on all fours, no thanks to her keeping me on her back all this time. I didn’t complain about it until now because I found it... fun. As much as fun even applied to me anymore. But there’s a point where even sincere fun starts getting upsetting. I just needed to get some distance across from all that developed so far. To feel the ground moving underneath my own limbs. Eventually I decided that I had had enough. “I enjoy our conversations. Our little back-and-forths. I really do. I don’t think I told you that. What I did not enjoy, however, was your prying into my personal matters, the way you insisted on doing thus far. Nor did I enjoy your dishonesty.” “How long have you known?” she asked, rather calculating. I answered plainly, if a bit impatiently. “Known what? That you took away a necromancer’s magic? How long does a chef take to notice whenever someone’s been poking around in their kitchen? How long would a painter take to notice when someone scrawled over his work? How long would a musician take to notice when someone cut the strings to their instrument?” Luna lowered her head, but not in a submissive gesture. It seemed she finally had enough. “My apologies, then,” she muttered, with adequately pressed words. “I was not aware that my little lie was so heinous, the gall of me to misinform! Such unthinkable lack of scruples!” “There’s no need for that. Just tell me honestly now. What reason did you have to lie to me about something like this?” She relented and sighed. “I just didn’t want you to feel held against your will.” As far as excuses went, even I was not heartless enough to disregard that one. I continued to stumbled around clumsily in the snow, wondering why my legs had to be this darned short. “I’m not going to presume you should tell me the truth from now on, and nothing else.” “Gods know, you can’t say you’ve been entirely forthright yourself, now have you?” I turned around and pointed a hoof at her accusingly. “Don’t you try to shift the blame. We’re both in a foul mood, but only one of us can actually afford to be upset. It’s rather hard to express myself in a dignified manner in this body, Princess, but you can huff and puff all you want without looking like a spoiled child.” She huffed in resignation. I continued, “I do want to trust you, Luna. I want to give you the benefit of a doubt. It’s the least I owe you, and the one thing I want the most right now. You must understand, however, your dishonesty does not ease my reservations regarding trusting you with my very soul.” “Heartwarming,” she offered in response, coldly but patiently, evidencing how bored she was by the issue by this point, “but spare me the melodrama. You’re making it sound like something it’s not.” “Perhaps you’re the one who’s failing to understand my point of view.” “Explain it to me, then, and I shall listen.” “...I will as soon as I figure it out myself.” A lot has happened since I arrived in this world. There was a lot to weigh, and no order in which to do it. I felt… disoriented. The only thing I knew for sure was that I truly wanted to seek out her company. The garden was large enough. I wondered why we hadn’t found anyone else here. No one playing in the snow, nothing. It was far too quiet, save for the wind brushing past and the snow crumbling underneath our steps. I had nothing else to focus on beside the multiple things on my head. Multiple things that only lead to more multiple things. If I were to start complaining, I would never stop. Which was why I refrained up till now, save for the most pressing concerns I might’ve had. She was still mulling over an adequate answer. I enjoy back-and-forths, but this one was exhausted. “I’m bored.” Luna looked up to find me staring at her expectantly. If I were to guess, I’d assumed she found herself at a loss. Again. “I’m… sorry?” “I’m bored,” I repeated. She was still having trouble understanding me. I wasn’t in a very explaining mood, so I just took matters into my own hooves. I reached out at her face, she drew away. I tapped her on her chest. “Tag,” I said, and started running the opposite direction. A few feet away, she still hadn’t budged. I stopped, sighed, and turned back around. “I assume this basic game has to have some recurrence in this world. You do know how to play it, right?” She tripped on her own words. “Buh-well, y-yes! I do know how to play this game!” she triumphantly managed out. I smiled. “Good. Now try not to trip on those stilts you call legs.” I started running again, fortunately she did start pursuing this time. I could just run on my lonesome, but having someone for company was not unwelcome. There was a long list of things I could pick a very uncomfortable conversation out of right now. What she wanted from me, why she was feeling the way she did about me, what reason she had to lie to me. Who sent that creature from my world here, how it got brought here across worlds, how they found me in the first place. What this world was like, what rules governed here, why its denizens were protected when those of my world were not. The list went on, and each line would branch out into further disputes and deliberations. However, I had no intention of bothering my head with any of them right now. For the moment, I was just trying to have some fun, after ten whole years of mourning. A particular part of the garden caught my attention. A particularly… still, one. It was already eerie, and the presence of all the statues did not help in that regard. There was something in the area. Something big and foreboding. It was as if I were a sailor at sea, hoping that the giant eye underneath the surface would not open. Which was why when Luna suddenly picked me up in an embrace, my heart was especially insistent to exit in a hurry. “Huzzah! I’ve caught you!” she went, apparently taking special care to be as triumphant and loud as possible. “Good job,” I answered pensively. “And it only took me stopping completely still for you to finally be able to catch a blind child.” She let out a breath in awkward resentment. An impressive and rather particular feat. “I’m fairly certain most children wouldn’t have necromantic muscular enhancements, or such trained agility and refle-” “Yeah, yeah, I still won. Tell me, what’s hidden here?” She was surprised to hear that, and only now looked around to see where we were. Perhaps she was not able to sense the stillness of the place, or perhaps she was too childishly oblivious to be able to even begin to comprehend such an amount of dread. Or perhaps it was the contrary, perhaps she was too big to recognize any danger that was so dreadful to me, but otherwise not so much for a creature of her stature. Or perhaps she just really enjoyed our game, and hadn’t noticed where it took us. Blast it, she really did seem to be having fun. Something told me she didn’t have much opportunity to have genuine fun. “Oh,” she offered, surely enough deflated of all the joy she previously expressed. “It’s a long story.” “I don’t have the patience for it, then,” I retorted. “But please, if you think it’s anything I might want to know, go right ahead.” Back on her back again, she carried me over through the stone garden. “My sister and I used to have a friend. That friend betrayed us, wanting to turn the entire realm into a plethora of madness and chaos. We stopped him, turning him into stone.” I regarded the many decorations in the area. Statues of ponies in various artistic contexts were abound, and I checked to make sure none of them held any prisoners as well. They did not. Apparently they were just for the sake of keeping the actual prisoner company, or to make him not seem out of place. Eventually, surely enough we arrived at a central area, where the snow was disturbed. Something was moved away from here, not too long ago. Luna continued, “This used to be where Celestia would store Discord’s petrified form, so as to offer him some comfort. Offer him at least the sky over his head, if we couldn’t afford to allow him to roam freely. I hope you understand.” “That you needed to contain a mad god? I think I can manage that much common sense.” “He was certainly god-like, but he still had a ways away from becoming a deity.” She seemed to have wanted to go on, but abstained. She walked on, leaving the square of missing snow behind. “In any case, after his last escape, we couldn’t leave him here anymore. After turning half of Equestria on its head, the populace have come to nurse fear for him… and hatred. We needed to move him to the castle dungeon for his own protection.” “For his protection? Surely you’re mistaken. I’d think someone of that capability would not need protecting.” “He does in his statue form,” she clarified to me. “They tried to smash him to pieces one night. I stopped them.” “...Oh. Suppose your magic has its limits when it comes to keeping you alive, huh?” “It does. As was explained, only an earth pony specifically could withstand the aforementioned extreme amounts of punishment, due to their natural hardiness. Other creatures’ resilience tend to vary. Discord, for one, was only protected by his own chaos magic, which he can not currently make any use of. You can’t exactly hold your breath while asleep, so you can still drown.” “Makes sense, I suppose… Wait. I thought you said he was still conscious.” “In a manner of speaking.” She deliberated further on an explanation. “...It’s complicated. He would manage to persist in some shape or form, just not the same as he was. Not alive, at any rate. I don’t exactly understand it all that well myself. Chaos magic is… tricky.” I decided not to insist on it any further. I was willing to listen to her, but I would rather do something else on the side. She was carrying me again, which was generous of her, if a tad tiresome. We didn’t have anything better to do at the moment other than talk. So I got to talking. “Tell me, Luna. What exactly is it that you want from me?” She stopped in her tracks for a slice of time. Starting again, carefully, she asked, “Haven’t I told you already?” “You did. You said you wanted to give me another chance at life. To that end, you’ve fed me, bathed me, held me and cried for me as if I were your own.” “...Oh,” she managed out. “That was something else I’ve been meaning to tell you...” “I’m certain it was,” was my less than sympathetic reply. “I wonder what my real mother would say about this. You know, the one that died.” I regarded the small bridge that came into view, crossing over what could faintly be noticed to be a frozen brook. She started to say something, but I decided to speak over her, “As much as I’d love to hear more excuses, Luna, I honestly am not in a very humoring mood. Just explain to me, plain and simply. What exactly will it take for me to convince you that I can live peacefully in this world of yours, with my own faculties? Unless this really was your intention from the beginning, to wipe my memory and have an obedient new member of your dysfunctional demigod family?” “I didn’t mean it!” We reached the bridge, I hopped off. I walked over in front of her, turned around, and regarded her expectantly. She regarded me back with a pleading look. I was not impressed. She sighed, and started. “Like every other option at my disposal, just picking the easy one and betraying you so despicably… did cross my mind, and I did feel awful about it. I wasn’t going to act on it!” “You were tempted,” I cut her off, “it’s understandable. Temptation itself isn’t a fault, however. It’s the inability to rationalize it and express restraint when it matters that makes it a problem. You can hurt others in all manner of way, and most of them aren’t even physical. To not be able to admit that you do actually have very natural yearnings that are part of what you are, you would have to be a certain kind of arrogant imbecile, the kind that incites a special kind of hatred in me. In that regard, I suppose you’ve dodged an arrow earlier.” She regarded me oddly. I continued. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still upset with you. You were not able to man up and tell me about the arguably literal emasculation you subjected me to, because you… didn’t want me to hate you. I suppose it wouldn’t have gone well for you either-which way you would've taken.” She remained quiet. I continued, with a sigh. “I don’t hate you. You’re trying your best, and I guess that’s all anyone can ever ask of anyone else. But I’m not exactly any more eager to trust you now.” “I understand.” I walked over to the side of the bridge, looked over the ledge towards the snow-covered surface of the river. There was some ice visible, but no reflection. I let out another breath, yearning to be able to see it come out. It would’ve been calming to watch the vapors disperse in front of my own eyes. Instead, I had to make do with this outside perspective. It felt nothing short of disembodied. “I want to be able to see again.” “Very well.” “You’re surprisingly understanding, all things considered.” Her words rang off the walls of the castle halls. I considered them. “I like to think so. I often required a level head before. Your little white lie really was no big deal, I might be uncomfortable with how dependent I am of you currently, but I never really trusted you that much anyway.” “Oh… Right,” Luna resented. “I don’t suppose there’s any way we could change that?” “That’s a tricky question. Let’s just take things one step at a time for now.” There seemed to be a recurrence of a couple of guards every odd doorway. I supposed they were evenly distributed so that each post would be in earshot of at least one other. Protocol and all. Also within reason, I figured they were required to stay completely still, stoic and stalwart. But still did I manage to pick out their awe at seeing us, although less plainly obvious as it was on the servants. I had nothing good to make of the attention. “Who was it that you wanted me to meet again?” I eventually asked. “Your new therapist…” “New the-whatnow?” I interrupted, before she went on, “...some time today, before Cadance arrives in Canterlot.” “...Cadence? As in music? I don’t think I understand.” She chuckled, “You will know who she is when you meet her.” Back in castle Eldwin. I dropped the skull of one of the mercenaries that met their end through the trap I left for them. I got up, then walked over toward the corner. I knelt down again, and surely enough found the unmistakable remains of their scrolls intended to counter my reincarnation spell, kicked to the side in their struggles. I brushed the parchments to the side, uninterested. They weren’t what I returned here for. I identified the loose stone brick I was looking for. I pulled, and looked inside the uncovered aperture. Just a couple of gold rings, simple save for the orhicalcum runes inscribed underneath the surface. Otherwise completely unassuming, and honestly, useless to anyone else beyond their physical value. The reason I hid them, the reason I left them here… I pulled one of the rings on my finger. It hung loose, from lack of that much meat under my skin. The other ring glowed as I rolled it in my hand, warming my cold skin. “Haven’t talked in a while, have we?…” I spoke as I slid down the stone, sitting on my haunches in the corner. Spinning the second ring in my hand, I asked, “I don’t suppose you can hear me, can you?” The room was quiet. No one answered. “Where has the time gone… I suppose wherever you went, right? I hope you’re enjoying it more than I am.” I studied the jewelry in my palm, trying to recall the hand it used to belong to. “I finished redecorating my new place. It’s the crypt we stopped at that one time, remember? Near Woodmarrow? The really big one, you said it looked like someone intentionally made it into a labyrinth? Well, I found out why that was. Originally, they planned on burying all of the good general’s descendants there as well. Sort of a, private family crypt...” As I kept on ranting on my own, I imagined what her answers would be. That was all I could do anymore. It was all I had. Life was long, and it never stopped getting duller and duller. At one point, I did consider settling down and just letting the next generation have a go at this pointless masterpiece called life. A point when I found someone I wanted to grow old with. Not because I sought her out, or she me, or because it was planned. It just… sort of happened. I guess it was just that I had lived long enough for that to happen. It didn’t work out.