During the next couple of hours after my conversation with Luna, nothing noteworthy happened. I proceeded to essentially bleed my guts out, and Luna was a few feet away making a big deal out of it. It was a little frustrating at first, but then it just got boring. After half an hour, I was doing my best to not lose consciousness from blood loss. My standard seals could only go so far.
It was quite excruciating, of course, and I felt like I wanted to flay someone alive, repeatedly. But what can you do? Honestly, it was times like these that a sanity seal would've come in quite handy. Unfortunately, I became desensitized by the time I had the chance to research one.
Luna stopped feeling uncomfortable with my spewing various substances out of both ends once I almost fell into the bucket she offered. Apparently she was still inexperienced with the sight of gore, as well as still getting used to the knowledge that I could actually survive such things. I was indeed capable of living through things that surprised her, however there was more to it than that.
I was more resilient than I myself expected. This body presented a heightened natural resilience to disease, and at such a young age as well. I also had reason to believe that this was just a facsimile of what this body was truly capable of. Perhaps Luna was telling the truth, when she said I cut my synching too soon. Then again, she says a lot of things. I just stopped listening to her once I realized where we were getting at… which was probably why she decided she could just as well start yelling, if reason wasn’t working for her.
I could ask for another truth spell, but I didn’t, because I already knew she was telling the truth. From the way her voice trembled in her outburst, from how bare she was leaving herself to me, without hiding, without fear. From the sweat on her brow and her heart beating faster. She was truly upset. Aggravatingly vulnerable. All evidence pointed to her truly wanting nothing more than to help me... according to her opinion on what was good for me. Something which I failed to agree on.
Honestly, my suggestion to put talking on hold to see her kingdom, was less for the sake of reassurance, and more for the sake of avoiding another truth field. The later she found out that I actually had no interest in being re-educated, instead preferring to be my own homicidal self pursuing a dangerous craft which she made a point in explaining that she did not care for, the more time I had to escape.
Oh, my mind’s wandering again. Regarding the matter of my internal organs being turned to paste, I wasn’t just reactivating them. That is, yes, I actually did need Luna to stick around and answer a few questions regarding how her species digested their food, what illnesses were common and what types of bacteria I needed to look to introduce into my intestines. But before I could get to acting on any of that information, I first needed her to maintain a contagion field for the plagues I was getting rid of, just to be on the safe side.
I wasn’t just re-growing the bacteria required for the process of digestion, doing excruciating trial and errors, and enforcing what parts had been damaged through my lack of use, or my lack of any intention of using them to begin with. I had also been using my digestive tract as a means of carrying my more virulent work with me through reincarnations. (*)
Some of the strains I was keeping were already extinct, while others wouldn’t ever be able to survive on their own at all. It really was a damn shame that I had to get rid of them. The things I could use them for… I could make the greatest weap- I mean cures, known to… ugh… ponykind? Is that an actual word?(**)
Back on track, just because I don’t like relying on having a normal digestive system, doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes recreate a healthy body.(***)
Unfortunately, unlike usual, now I only had my standard necromantic seals to control the plagues inside me. A very arduous method, when I really would've preferred to not get rid of my specimens to begin with. I had nowhere and no way to deposit them safely, however. Nor could I unmake and remake the sicknesses on the spot, so I had no choice but to let my body break them down... Except for actually letting Luna know about this little detail I've been keeping from her.
I had complete control over my plagues. However, Luna wasn’t as confident in my abilities as I was. She was quite ecstatic upon learning that I was actually a walking extinction waiting to happen. And when I asked her for a few beakers to store some of my specimens, her answer was in the form of shaking the stone masonry and cracking the magically enforced windows with what I then learned to be the Royal Equestrian Voice.
I couldn’t be quite certain of what exactly it was that she said, but going by the fact that my ear drums got inexplicably perforated shortly after I asked, my best guess was that her answer was “no”.
Once she used her own gaudy restoration magic to repair my eardrums, she proceeded to ask me why I didn’t ask her to inoculate me as well. Something which I actually failed to consider. In lack of a better answer, I said she needed to mind her own business.
After she inoculated me, I have to admit that I was finished much sooner, since I was only left with needing to fix the damages and build my digestive system. Once I got my guts under control, Luna then proceeded to throw me in a bath, intent on removing the blood and various other bodily substances which covered a substantial part of my pelt, as well as some of the floor around the toilet.
She removed her royal apparel for the purpose of the soapy process, and emanated a strong purifying aura as well, in order to make sure no sickness survived (and to conveniently remove the gore). The containment field was enough, honestly, but her aura was like assaulting an ant with a sledgehammer the size of a medium-sized cave troll. While said cave-troll-sized sledgehammer was on fire. I actually felt like I was being bathed in fire-mint, not soapy water.
The princess didn’t stop at getting rid of the visible filth, however. It felt like she was verifying whether or not my skin was sticking to my flesh properly. Surprisingly, it was, considering that one of my specimens was a modified variation of Leprosy.
“Is this because of your female mind offering you enhanced perception of microscopic traces of filth, or are you still upset about my endangering your entire species earlier?”
My response was in the form of a bucket of cold water being emptied over me.
“Just so you know, you have two choices. Either act like an adult and have me treat you like the unstable psychopath that you are, or act like a child so I don’t feel awkward about bathing you.”
“Ah. So you feel awkward. I suppose it’s understandable. Very well, I’ll remain quiet.”
A few minutes in, amazingly, I wasn’t the one to break. She was. I was content with falling asleep in a coma from the pain of having my insides melted and repaired.
“…You said you tried to help someone else before?” she attempted to keep me awake.
“I did,” was my simple answer.
“…Care to elaborate?”
“Not really, no.”
She lifted me out of the water over to eye level. Water pouring off my fur, steam wafting away. “What do you mean ‘no’?” she questioned.
“It means what the word ‘no’ generally means,” I responded, pensively, as I floated helplessly in front of her. I gawked at her, unimpressed. “You know, this sort of close proximity would feel different if we were both adults… and it was me seeing a humanoid princess, instead of a mangy-looking furry animal.” (deciding which one of us was said animal is up to you)
She then countered with unceremoniously emptying one last bucket of warm rinsing water over my head. “Charming as ever.”
"Which reminds me, are you sure you can't turn me into a human? And for that matter, into an adult?"
"I could," was her simple, short and quite reserved answer.
"...Will you, though?"
"What's the hurry? I thought you didn't like being alone. Do you have anyone else to bother beside me?"
"I suppose not. Though I would certainly appreciate the presence of someone who couldn't vaporize me with a thought instead."
"Says the psychopathic necromancer."
"Fair enough," I relented with a smile.
It seemed she deemed me fit to return to her pristine bed. She pulled me out of the water and wrapped me up in a towel.
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I asked pensively.
She carried me back in her room, along with a comb. “Believe me, I’m not. I could, though.”
“Mind elaborating?”
The comb felt surprisingly gentle on my head. Which was nice and all, but my entire body felt like it was torn and burnt all throughout, so I didn't really care. She answered, “You know, I was actually looking forward to getting to teach you a new way of life. To being your…” I eyed her curiously during her lag, “…mentor.” I decided to not give it any thought.
I know what silk feels like. This bed wasn’t made of silk, it was too soft. My recent blood loss hit me quite suddenly, and Luna pulling the covers over me did not help.
“Sleep again? I barely spent half the day awake.”
“It’s late.” She lay in bed beside me, and pulled the serum gem band over my forelimb, causing my drowsiness to increase further.
I wasn’t much fan of laying down without a fight, even if I didn’t have anything to gain or lose from either giving in or not. My seals kept me awake, but it felt like I was under water.
I felt a gentle hoof on my shoulder. For a moment, it felt like a hand. I offered her a dead glare, she stifled a sigh. “Lay to rest.”
I jumped away, stumbled and fell. A burning pain shot through the middle of my chest. ‘It’s over. Lay to rest.’ She certainly knew how to choose her words.
I didn’t notice when I began to tremble, or when I was held against her chest. But when she was telling me that it was okay, that I was safe… I believed her.
I fell asleep listening to her heartbeat.
I don't remember what I dreamed the prior night, but this time I might or might not have dreamed of sparring with Abe, until a tiny forest troll came over and tried to sell us sweet rolls. The poor guy then started begging, saying he needed the cash to cover his rent. It got really uncomfortable. Then a flock of carnivorous penguins passed by, busily pardoning as they hurriedly waddled through. They seemed restless, like they were late for an appointment or something. That's about an average dream for me. Does that characterize as a restless mind? I honestly don't know...
Oh, wait. There was also the matter of the patchwork chimaera beyond the glass wall on the side, munching on a bag of... something, with weird spectacles on his eyes, one lens blue whilst the other was red, telling me I might be dealing with repressed emotional issues. That was the point which made me start to worry about my sanity.
Supposedly, by some philosophical analogy, sleep can be likened to death. While I like the concept of most everyone on the planet being dead during each night, the analogy in and of itself still feels pretentiously moronic. Sleep is rest. Relaxing, oftentimes entertaining rest. Death isn’t rest, it’s ‘nothing’ with a side of more ‘nothing’. Bear in mind I'm not referring to the realms of Heaven or Hell. I am referring to death as a whole and what it signifies pertaining to the end of life, beyond the culmination of your time among the living.
While sleep is when your knowledge settles in your mind, your pains and wounds rest and close up, and your spirit gets to heal and stretch its legs… death, true death, is when you've had enough of the monotony of Heaven, or when you were finally ready to come to terms with your sins and no longer need Hell, or when your soul was destroyed through some other various means beside Naming Magic and Soul-Eating. Perhaps there's actually another state of higher being somewhere beyond the horizon of Styx or within the depths of Lethe, or underneath the frost of Cocytus or in the form of the very fires of Pyriphlegethon. No one ever succeeded to scry that far, however.
Perhaps I just needed to come to terms with what happened and pass on... but why not prolong my stay? What's the harm in staying up a little while longer before... laying to rest?
Especially now that I finally found playmates that would stick around.
The matter I needed to focus on was how to avoid my old fate, and towards that end I needed to change who I was and safeguard my favor with the sisters. Of course they would not accept a dangerous mad mage threatening their subjects, regardless of whether I would actually harm them or not. And ultimately, a change of pace could only be likely to be for the best, considering how there were only so many possible alternatives, and only so few of those alternative paces were worse than my old one.
However, the pace I was going at was not mine, it was Luna's. This was an issue that I wished to correct. Somehow. I was not certain on the how.
‘…To Hell with it, I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Oh, wait. It’s already morning.’ “Rats.”
I heard humming from beside me, then shifting under the covers. Then I felt two familiar spells reaching out into my consciousness. I reluctantly let them take effect.
“Did you say something?” she asked me tiredly, with a charming yawn.
“…You were there this whole time?” was all I could reply with.
“You sound surprised.” I could tell she was smiling at me cockily.
I decided to change the subject, “I wasn’t expecting it. It’s a bit too close.”
She stretched charmingly while she responded, “Well, I had to. You’re a boiling point in the Dreamworld, with your troubled mind, so I needed to offer insulation.”
“Uhm… what?”
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “You honestly don’t know? I thought you knew about the Dreamworld.”
“There’s a thing called the Spirit World, which I thought was on the same plane of existence throughout reality. Where I’m from, I’ve never heard of a Dream World.”
“How can you not have a Dream World? It is the bordering area between the Spirit World and the living one. It serves as a means of keeping the two worlds separate. Without it, the dead would still have a presence in the living realm for long before they passed on, and if they die violently or tragically, there wouldn’t be any chance for them to-” She just kept getting more and more riled up as she continued. I decided to put a stop to that.
“Luna, I come from a world where there already are plenty of deadly things beside the dead. Actually, they’re quite helpful sometimes. As long as you get access to your ancestors’ and mentors’ wisdoms, and actually had the chance to offer proper goodbyes to loved ones, then what are a few Revenants and Death Knells?”
“…Revenants? Death Knells?”
“You don’t want to know.” I tiredly tried to get out of bed, until I was levitated back on Luna’s back. I sighed. “What’s on today’s itinerary?”
“Well, after breakfast…” I offered a groan, “… we’re going out to see Canterlot.”
My ears perked up upon being presented with the prospect. My mind was busy considering a variety of thoughts. ‘Oh, right. I’m going to need to see how the common and humble live as opposed to this lavish royal life. See if these princesses truly are as generous as they’re making themselves out to be. I’m also going to want to find out about how mind altering is used in the justice system, see what I need to look out for.’ During this time, Luna prepared a rather odd illusion spell on the both of us. She carried me on her back over to a mirror, and I found we had been subjected to noticeable changes.
“What do you think?” Luna’s voice came out of the new, noticeably smaller equine that shared the same color scheme as her. Her mane stopped flowing, and her wings and royal apparel were clearly missing, but I surmised she now looked indistinguishable from the common folk. I was barely changed, aside from my own wings also missing and the presence of a new pair of bright, wide, naïve and oblivious eyes the same color as her deep blue ones. I tried to shift and scrunch my face, but it was stuck in that gullible look.
“My face is stuck looking harmless.”
Luna produced a pair of large, thick-glassed spectacles in order to hide the fact that I wasn't technically looking at anything, and went to brushing our hair into less unruly states. “That’s the point. You will stay out of trouble today,” she declared. Unfortunately, I couldn’t roll my eyes either.
We were leaving the castle proper on foot hoof. Supposedly Luna could just teleport us to town without any difficulty, but she decided against attracting any unwanted attention to us. However, there was still another matter, “I’m surprised you didn’t bring a bodyguard along. I was looking forward to harassing them.”
Luna hummed pensively, as we both enjoyed the feeling of the early morning sun on our backs. “As much as I’d like to discourage any further chaperones, I would prefer it if you at least tried to get along with others.”
“Certainly. As long as they’re not part of the kind of people I like to hate and subsequently torment at any chance I have. It just so happens that soldiers are on the list, right between nobles and priests.”
“I’m not even going to ask.” We walked past the gates leading to the castle area, along a marble road towards an area with a brilliant fountain statue depicting a stylistic representation of Celestia. It seemed the locals really liked their rulers, going by how clean the entire area was. Not taking into account the snow, of course.
“Where to?” she asked me.
“Somewhere with plenty of people to interrogate. City square, perhaps?”
She took a right at the fountain. I would’ve very much liked being able to see again, but I couldn’t risk trying anything with her breathing down my neck. Hopefully I’ll come up with a decent idea. Start yelling, saying I’ve been kidnapped? No, there are several ways that could go wrong. I’d need her to let me down first, and to be sufficiently distracted for me to have time to go behind a corner. Unfortunately, running into pedestrians would only work towards giving me away, as well as getting in my way, rather than offer me cover.
What I would need would be something big. Preferably with lots of sharp teeth. Something to cause a panic. Hopefully Luna would think I got trampled to death, and wouldn’t look for me.
As we advanced through the city, everything looked pristine. I was pleased to find that they weren't throwing their refuse out the window on any unsuspecting pedestrians, then laughed at their expense.
Marble flooring, well-made housing and shops. Everyone was well fed and working happily, no vagrants or street urchins, they were wearing confortable-looking and diverse clothing. I would need to question Luna regarding why they were wearing clothing at all, and why I couldn’t be bothered to receive pants.
“I just realized something.”
“What is it?” she asked.
“How do I know all your settlements are just as well off as your capital? Obviously the capital is the most well off.”
Understandably, she didn’t like hearing that. She stopped in her tracks and looked me in my vacant eyes. “And you’re saying this now?”
“It only crossed my mind just now,” I explained with a shrug.
She sighed. “We’ll figure something out later.” I had the distinct impression that she was not impressed by this new development. She got back on her way. “Regardless, since we’re here, we might as well have a nice time, wouldn’t you agree?”
“I suppose,” I offered simply, eying (as much as I could) an opening into the sewers. Disgusting, but perfect for an escape route. Considering it was royalty I was dealing with, she would definitely never follow me down there, lest she’d get her mane dirty. All I needed was a short distraction…
“Quick! Look over there!” I pointed in the opposite direction.
“Huh?” she did look in that direction, but as soon as she felt me scrambling off her back, she caught me in her magic field without turning and levitated me over to her face. She just stared at me, her dropped eyelids giving away a deadpan. I only smiled sheepishly in return. She turned around, looked around…
“…The sewer? You’re kidding.” I only shrugged again. “…You’re kidding, right?”
“A man’s gotta try,” I offered.
Her punishment was in the form of sighing again, tiredly. It was a very harsh sigh. She weaved through the mass of well-dressed middle-to-upper-class citizens, towards a square-shaped clearing in the buildings. Shop stalls ran along the margins in multiple layers, offering only a wide variety of fresh food produce and luxury items. Certainly, this entire city never heard of poverty. This development went to support Luna's claim of what lessons learned and loving her subjects could do in the long run. Now I only needed evidence that all the other establishments throughout her and her sister's kingdom were just as well off, and, if that truly was the case, then I needed to research on what slave nations this one had, or what recent wars were funding this nation. All of this luxury needed to be afforded somehow.
In the middle of the large city square were half a dozen street performers which, surprisingly, were smiling quite earnestly. Artists enjoying their craft while they were surprisingly not starving.
Among the many spectators seated on the many benches around the center area were both the elderly and the young, enjoying the spectacle, some of them even trying their... mouths at sketching. A contented hum escaped Luna's chest as she took a seat, in a surprisingly non-precarious position, offering herself room to place me on her lap. I found this position far less troublesome than I should have. I find a lot of things far less troublesome than I should.
We, well, Luna looked around while I was stuck seeing whatever she was seeing. Eventually I couldn’t help myself but cut the silence, “Am I in trouble?”
“Depends. Did you suggest last night that we go out because you truly were interested to learn about your new world, or was it just you trying to find a way to escape?”
“A little bit of both, but not just. Mostly I just wanted to get an open sky over my head. I’ve been stuck in a cave for the entirety of the past few months and the majority of the last decade, doing absolutely nothing other than preparing the spell I used to get here. I was a bit restless over the fact that I was now stuck again.” I paid attention to the others nearby. “Can they understand me, or must I act like a child as well?”
She took off my glasses, and shifted her mane into a better position to hide me from sight. “You’re speaking Equish, yes. Though I don't know why you would mind. Weren’t you trying to get away from me, though?”
I glared at her. “You are already making me feel like a prisoner. I don’t need prying ears to offer you reason to make me a prisoner stuck inside the castle as well.”
“It’s not prying ears that are the reason why I’m keeping you on such a short leash.” She regarded the mare at the violin. From the edge of the princess’s sight, I noticed that no one was paying our conversation any heed. “You are not irredeemable, that’s why I’m even trying with you. I also told you my personal motivations. As for a catch, I suppose there would be one thing I was striving for…”
She petered off, for whatever reason. Her tone gave me plenty of leeway to guess at what her follow-up might’ve been. It was thematic by now. “But you want something in return,” I assumed.
“I want a lot of things from you,” she sighed tiredly again. I supposed my guess missed its mark. “Right now, the forefront of my mind is occupied by finding out who the person you said you tried to help was, whether you’re truly capable of caring about anyone else beside yourself, and whether you’re capable of living a peaceful life after what you went through. I was also hoping to find evidence that I can trust you not to try to kill the first person who looks at you funny…”
“Are you looking at me funny right now?” I joked. She deadpanned, I smiled. She relented and went on.
“The fact that you’re so easygoing is both a good thing, and a bad one. It’s as you’ve said, you couldn’t take everything to heart, otherwise you would lose your mind. On the other hoof, you’re still able to take a life without as much as a flinch.” Her eyes fixated on a mother and child walking past. She was about to say something more, but I cut her off.
“I thought I told you, I don’t hurt innocents.”
“So you said, and so I suppose my truth spell affirms,” she quoted with a hint of pleasure. “But we both know there’s far more to it than that.” She eyed me intently, I returned a glare. “There’s a certain temptation to do the wrong thing, like how most creatures share the urge to jump upon looking down from the side of a high ledge.”
“Another reason I tend to keep myself isolated and busy with my studies. What’s your method of dealing with this rather gross biological flaw that we appear to share?”
“A number of things. Restraint, common sense and decency, my love for my subjects and my fear of hurting them. The fact that ponies are actually innately peaceful creatures, that only show aggression upon feeling threatened, as opposed to certain ape-like omnivores that consider everything free rein and need to poke a sharp object before knowing that it’s painful.”
“So we only share reverse fear of heights, then,” I half questioned. “On the side, I feel slightly offended, even though I agree full heartedly with your description of humans. I also must admit that I’ve yet to properly take the detail of my being an herbivore into account. The implications are quite fascinating…”
“That aside, I was hoping we could get back on track.”
I sighed in defeat. “I was hoping you’d forget about that. The concerns at the forefront of your mind are serious enough, and I do take them seriously, but can’t we leave them for another time?”
“Another time when?“
“Perhaps after I finally understand why you’re bothering with me to begin with. I can’t help but ask myself that, if you’re really so concerned about the risk I pose upon your beloved subjects, then why are you bothering with me at all?”
By this time, the artists had changed their song to a more morose one. Once their song was finished, coin landed in their plate and the spectators went on their way, soon to be replaced by others. Until the next batch of listeners arrived, however, the crowd would remain thinned out.
Luna began, steadily, silently. “I do not consider the act of taking a life to ever be an option under any circumstances. The very thought of it disgusts me. Then again, I didn’t live your life, so I understand that I could never truly judge you properly. I just can’t, it’s not within my ability. I don’t think anyone has that ability. So then I decided that it doesn’t really matter what I think. What actually matters is what you deserve, which would be something that you were never offered before. A chance.”
There was a pause. I felt a truth charm’s effects take hold. “That is, of course, if you did truly never have a choice regarding the matter of having the life you had.”
I sighed. “I suppose this is as far as I got, then.” I could feel her muscles tense next to me, hear her heart beat more forcefully. “Oh, calm down, it’s nothing incriminating. However it’s not something I want to talk about either.”
“What isn’t?”
“I’ve been… tinkering with my Reanimation spell throughout my life. In order to offer myself a new shape, one that was different from the one on the wanted posters. And eventually, I succeeded. I had a normal life at my disposal, if I so chose.”
“And what stopped you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps the fact that living as a common farmer after all I've been put through was generally unacceptable to me. To downgrade myself into just another cog in a kingdom, another beast of burden for those who graciously fancy themselves my betters and another toy soldier for some halfwit glory-mongering general's convenience, another faithful among the masses that was conditioned to believe that he's happy to prostrate and pay taxes when he could far too easily just be killed together with his entire family as soon as a few cretins were convinced with a few coins and 'holy words'. Ater all I’d gone through, I was supposed to surrender and accept the imperfections of society and life, both of which deemed me expendable in the grand scheme of things. That after all I'd seen and learned, I was to just be a normal, average human that tramples everything they don’t understand to the ground. That take pleasure in causing harm and destruction, and cling to excuses but never take the blame. All because they don’t have the chance to develop emotional depth and awareness, because it’s not enlightenment that we’re designed to pursue, but survival and procreation, and absolutely nothing else.
“To live and die a short and troubled life which we did not have any real say in before we were forced into it, all for the sake of bringing a few sodding morons on the world, which would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes that were done by every single flawed, short-sighted, self-centered human being that came before them. After all, it’s as you’ve said. We don’t take heed of oral lessons, we do need to poke before comprehending warnings. Who knows? Maybe one of my children or grandchildren would’ve grown up to be a mercenary, like the ones that tried to kill me?”
There was a hidden edge in my words. Because that’s how I fashioned myself to work. To study my adversary attentively, not giving away anything as I’d reach sharp claws around them. The hidden dagger, I found, was quite to my liking.
Once again, I was surprised, as I felt a drop of something hit my cheek. She was crying. She whispered, “I’m sorry.”
I was livid. I didn't even care if anyone else could hear me. “…How. How can someone as powerful as you be so… weak? So vulnerable?!" More tears fell as she held me tight. "I just… can’t understand.”