• Member Since 5th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 18th, 2013

Kytranis



T
Source

When a Necromancer is hurled into the place between places then escapes to another world at the cost of his life it is not the end. Being a Necromancer he returns to life with ease, but is skirting the edges of consciousness, and unable to truly wake as a mysterious figure uses magic to put him on the back of a horse to carry him away into the night.

To make matters worse the phylactery he used to save his own life recreated him as a member of the dominant race with... some errors. His injuries are still present and he's now in a much smaller body with his magic drained to nothingness.

So now he's horribly injured, held captive by an unknown force, in an unfamiliar body, in an unfamiliar world and completely exhausted. He's had worse days. He just can't think of any off the top of his head. So familiar territory then, nothing to worry about.

(Thank you again Tulip for the amazing piece of artwork.)

On Hiatus due to Life. Sorry.

Chapters (24)
Comments ( 2738 )

This is my first story attempt at first person perspective and my first pony fanfic. Enjoy and feel free to be as brutal as humanly possible.

Well I must say that this story is interesting and I will love to see more but man him freaking out at not having any attempts on his life leaves me confused whether to pity him or laughing man I'm messed up.

I've always loved the anti-hero:pinkiecrazy:. looking forward to more

nice fic, nice idea and and nice characters. :trixieshiftright:
take all my mustaches:
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

This is an awesome story. 'nuff said

This is great I love a nice story with elements of necromancy and such :D

Keep up the great work and if you need any help fell free to ask :raritystarry:

omahgodomahgodomahgodomahgodomahgodomahgod celestia gag? nah........not a chance....wait..........she really gagged?...BAD CELESTIA:trollestia:

So much win!!! :pinkiehappy:
Thou shalt continue with haste for we art captivated by thy tale :Luna: (We require a Luna emoticon)
(WE SHALL SPEAK HOW WE WANT TO DAMNIT :flutterrage:)

Loving what you have so far, its been great

This is Fracking awesome.

I love it.

You had me at necromancer.

im truly intruiged by what may happen next.

you my friend are good

Looks really good so far, you've got really good characterization going so far.
And I like how descriptive it is, as well as how you gave so much background in so few words.

Good luck my friend.

you gotta love necromancers that aren't actually evil just misunderstood

Hmm... Intriguing. Did you base this off of any particular work? Or, maybe, did you come up with this yourself?
I swear I've heard of "Leonidas" before.:applejackunsure:
Also, I find it saddening that the 'heroes' in the beginning, creating a common D&D group, suffers from "One Way Magic Syndrome".
It is a syndrome that afflicts many people, leading them to have vast misconceptions about magic and how it can be used. Most people see Necromancers, and think of someone who would kill you, then animate your skeleton as an eternal servant. I think of Necromancy, I think of that as one particular possibility, but I also foresee the ability to prevent one from dying, merely skirting death's door, until aid can be administered.
People see a White Mage/Priest, and think of healers. Again, I see that as only one possibility. What other possibility can there be? :pinkiecrazy:Hehehe... Impaled on a spike, deboned, drawn and quartered, set ablaze, frozen alive, starved, dehydrated, and perpetually revived and healed to do it all over again.
When I started reading this chapter, I thought you slipped, because all of a sudden, Jim(The Necro's name until one is made) had eyes and was in a room. My second thought was "Did he skip uploading a chapter?", glad to see that isn't the case.
Also, yay mindscapes!

tl;dr version:
All my yes.

Still very descriptive, Loving the paranoia.:pinkiehappy:

MOORRREEE....plz :pinkiesad2:
great story though.

Very nice story my friend. I wonder if the Necromancer is going to become frustrated at being called a foal/kid all the time, he's at least several hundred years old by the sound of it. And I like his attitude, i'm always a fan of skepticisim.
You write very well, very descriptive and great spelling and grammer. Keep up the good work.:twilightsmile:

Looking forward to more!:pinkiehappy:

:pinkiegasp: I'm NOT the only one random enough to think of lich in equestria?!
i must read later.

I just hope he keeps his attitude and perception of life instead of turning into a happy go luck kind of guy. Would hate to lose this characterization.

1580161 Leonidas was the Sparta┬┤s king, and probably you listened his name in the movie 300 or mayby in a historie book...:twilightblush:

(sorry for the Twilght moment)

(Also if there is an artist that could draw a picture of the Necromancer Foal I'd appreciate it as I can't draw a stick figure without screwing up.)

I know dat feel bruh; I know dat feel...

This is fun stuff, but you REALLY need to learn to use commas where they're needed. Also know the difference between you're and your.

hold that thought... bwahahahahahaha! :rainbowlaugh:

Okay so it's like 'oh to be old again' but a necromancer? Buck Yes!

The grammar is spotty at times, and there isn't much in the way of description. Then again, he doesn't technically have eyes...
That being said, this is good. Keep it up.

BTW, necromancy actually means communicating with the spirits of the dead. Modern literature has changed the meaning to 'magical corpse abuse'.

Read the first chapter, can't get any further. Thumbs down. Your writing still has a long way to go before it deserves anything else. Here's why!:twilightsmile:
The good: You have a superb idea, your action sequences aren't bad and your style is genuinely interesting. Your characterization for the protagonist was pretty awesome, and your stream-of-consciousness parts were nice. You are also pretty good with show-not-tell in people/place descriptions. Unfortunately...
The bad: You have a lot of trouble with proper punctuation and a little with grammardl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Sweetie_Belle.png . This wouldn't be that big a deal, usually you can clear that up with a single proofreader, but...
The ugly: You totally massacre the idea of proper paragraph structure as well. An unnaturally high percentage of your sentences are run-on, severely impacting the readability. This can also be fixed with a good hour of editing, though. The human "heroes" were too flat to make good "villains," even for half a chapter. Then we get to...
What the buck, man:rainbowhuh:: Your dialog, which was not believable at all. The only emotion we get is very forced, and totally "told" rather than "shown." The conversation with the nurse was a complete shambles. Neither of them seemed to have a proper grasp of what the other was saying, and accepted or understood things that would make no sense. Seriously plot holes there.

No, I'm not being nice here, I'm being critical. You need help to make this worthy, not a bunch of yes-ponies blindly telling you it's awesome merely because you have a halfway decent protagonist. I would ask you to do some writing exercises and/orgo through this story with a fine-tooth comb to figure out where you went wrong. After that, I suggest a rewrite rewrite.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_pea.png

~conanthebrutalcritic
Please keep this story out of the feature box until then

1582584

I personally found it pretty engaging. The idea as applied to MLP is original enough for me to get past pretty much all the faults. Oh right, by the by, you posted this on page four. Fimfiction shows all comments together if you're not on a specific chapter but, helpfully, shows only the comments that were posted for the chapter you are specifically on. So your claim about not getting past chapter one is horseapples.

A point on the dialogue: You may be confusing your opinion with actual critique. Just food for thought.

Oh and the last bit about the feature box? That was dumb. It was like the text equivalent of someone doing a stage-whisper about how fat someone else is getting. The kind that everyone can hear? I would use a more complex synonym of dumb to describe it, but dumb is literally the best word for the job. So don't pretend you're a good critic because you use emoticons and fancy font colors.

Speaking to the writer: yeah your grammar, sentence structure, and paragraph construction could use some work. But to be honest only the grammar nazi's at EQD care about that stuff. If it's readable and well created then you've done good work and you, sir, have done good work.

i love the fact that its luna doing the adopting and not celestia. this shall be a great read indeed.:pinkiehappy:

That was a lovely little panic attack at the end.

1578979 Still, it would've been nice if you finished your take on this story .

Look at what's happened to me
I can't believe it myself
Suddenly I'm in a peaceful world
It should've been somebody else

Believe it or not I'm somewhat insane
Victim to corrupted rule
Calming down is quite difficult
What is my name
Believe it or not, I don't know

-Shraak P.S: made this at 1:45 AM

Overall my least favourite part at 2:00 AM with a bucked up sleeping pattern is you using the wrong your/you're you're = non-formal way of saying you are, example = errhmagerd you're a duck

Spelling and such could use some work, but I've got to say, I find this very interesting and fairly well written.

1582654 I understand and thank you for actually trying to point out my problems. Both of you. The thing is that I know I have these issues but I have a very hard time finding them. To make matters worse I've been having a difficult time finding any sort of online site that will help me work through my mistakes. So if you could be more specific like show actual examples or such I can and will comb through the story and pick out the problems I find. Which leads into a second issue which may or may not be a problem. I focus to an almost insane degree on the actual story itself rather then the little issues. In my experience a story can have flawless grammar, punctuation and sentence structure but if it's not well written or engaging then you have wasted your time writing it.

Anyways thank you for your critiques. As I posted before part of the reason I'm writing this story is so that I can improve my writing quality and if you're willing to point me somewhere that will I will hopefully be able to put up better quality work.

That's fantastic idea.
I'll surely read it all when I got more time.

1582654
Actually no, if you post a comment from the main story page, it automatically gives it to the last published chapter, which makes author responses to questions in earlier chapters a pain to see while reading old chapters.

Also, I like your take on an "evil" necromancer, it reminds me of Rilian from Dominic Deegan.
dominic-deegan.com/comics/20081019.jpg

Now, get an editor or two, along with a few proofreaders, to help you work on more natural phrasing and proper grammar, and this story will be amazing.

1583293

I know that I've improved my writing a lot since I started so I can tell you it's a really effective way to learn. As to Conan's attempts to 'critique'... I've learned this after years of rolling with the metaphorical punches. Some people know what they're talking about, some people are just blowing smoke out their ass to prove to a bunch of anonymous readers that they'll never meet that they are competent at something. The easiest way to tell is if they actually give you real and applicable advice which he did not, there is literally nothing substantial that you can apply to your writing in his post.

To the matter of advice itself, I'll get the ball rolling. The first piece I can give you is this: Ease up on the Exclamation Points. There is literally never a situation in serious literature where you will need more than one Exclamation Point or, if it's in a question format, one Exclamation Point + one Question Mark. This is true in dialogue and, especially, outside of dialogue.

On comma usage, this is a little much for a comment post so I'll just send you here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keZpj7PjNEo
This guy is great for teaching basic grammar and whatnot, check out his channel and take some of his advice to heart.

and if you want to hammer out some of the real basics, learn from the very best: http://lordmardok.deviantart.com/favourites/46906759?offset=24#/d4acixt

Great chapter. I just love the idea.

I wanna see mane 6's point of view : P :twilightsheepish:

That was great.
I can't wait to read where it goes from here.
Luna dopting century and a half year old necromancer... this won't end well but is going to be helarious.

1584199 You posted Dominic Deegan. You are amazing.

Zed

Well, this sure is different. The evil guy is innocent, the heros are murderers.

"Some" of the conversations fall flat on their face but I like the story and marked it as a favorite.

Oh and this is the soundtrack playing in my head when reading the story

There better be regular updates or shit will start to get broken.

This will be fun. The necromancer gets to potentially talk to a dead pony.

*stares at view number at bottom of chapter*
*stares at chapter comments*
...Wow, I'm the first person to read this one? Nifty!
(Probably not first poster, though)

Edit: Yeeeeeep. In the intervening time, twenty others took a gander, and one of 'em commented.
Still stunned I managed to be the first here to read this thing.

Ohhh a restless pony spirit in the castle, now hes going to demostrate some of his powers and instantly indetify the killer also he will gain his cutie mark in necromancy!
Or not it's not like i can predict the future or anything...

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
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You need more of these.

Very interesting story so far. I wonder who died in there, and how long ago this was. Maybe the culprit is still alive?

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