• Published 7th Nov 2012
  • 35,775 Views, 2,809 Comments

Foal Necromancer - Kytranis

A designated villain finds himself in equestria and his paranoia runs rampent, scaring the locals.

  • ...

Where's the Chamber Pot?

The awkwardness did not at all dissipate for a solid several hours. They'd brought me a couple apples and a glass of water... it felt so weird to actually eat again as it has been at least several months. The princesses had apparently caught on to my discomfort and they as well as the captain had excused themselves to lessen the huge amount of people in the room. So now it's me and five others and I was only sure of the gender of one of them. Unless the gender line can be blurred with this race in that case I have no earthly clue.

I rub the side of my head for a moment and try to get an image of the room with the fourth sight spell only for the entire room to gasp. I guess me using magic with a broken horn is just too mind boggling for them... great, just great. I heave a sigh at this and I hear a slight noise that sounds inquisitive. I guess. But really how can I know? These ponies are not people as I know them. They're not even centaur as I know them. Or... anything as I know them.

Someone's walking towards me with a slight clinking noise and I tense up before forcing myself to relax. It's not an assassin it's a guard... like I could tell the difference in this species. Still I was told I would be safe... yea told... oh no... so is time for a fight yet?

“You're looking antsy. Is there something we should know about?” A male voice asks and I think fast.

“Before my horn was broken I was using a spell to see and now that I can't use magic...” I begin and let it trail off as the implications actually sink in on me as well. Has there ever been a time I haven't used magic? Maybe when I was... no... I was using it as a small child too just without direction. “Hunh...”

“What is it?” The nurse asks as another walks off for... gods know what reason.

“I just realized this is the first time I've ever been truly without magic... I've always used it before for dozens of things at once.” I say trying not to give the obviously armed individuals too much information or they may feel opportunistic... I'll feel safe when I'm in a position of power thank you very much.

“Oh... perhaps we can help then. What kind of things do you usually do with magic?” Another new voice asks and since there was no clinking I assume it's the doctor this time.

“Well... I used it to stop bleeding, to keep warm, to see, sometimes it's all that kept my heart beating and...” I begin to list off and there's a clanging sound causing me to jump a little. “What was that!?” I ask before it actually comes to me. Either someone dropped something or one of the guards legs just collapsed from under them. Either way... funny actually... if it wasn't distressing that these were supposed to be the ones helping me and they're so squeamish.

“Uhm... oh dear... wait... I know. Would you like for me to bring in a cd player for you?” a male voice who I now assume is the doctor asks and if my eyes were open I would blink.

“A what what player?” I ask completely confused by the request. There's a scraping noise and I assume whatever metal that fell on the floor had been picked up. Whether it's encasing someone's rear or not.

“A CD player is short for Compact Disk player. It's a machine that will play whatever sounds have been put on the Disk. It's normally used to record music so it can be played later without tiring out or bothering the artist.” one of them I think the guard, explains and my eye sockets open as I try to stare at him. Then I remember myself and close them. I think fast.

“Doesn't that take profit away from the artist?” I ask trying to make sense of this. I've seen minstrels preform and have coins thrown into their hats or buckets or whichever. It's how they make a living and the good ones can rent theatres charge a sum to enter and truly hit the big time.

“No the artist usually sells the disk. Furthermore it works like advertisement to live shows as well.” one of them explains to me and I nod. I wonder if the disk is sharp enough to cut me...

“Well that sounds amazing. I'd love to listen to this... See Dee Player.” I say deliberately over stressing the parts of the word to make myself seem more ignorant. There's a slight chuckle at this as one of them walks off. It would be nice to know which one.

“Before I'm out of earshot any preferences to music?” the mare shouts and I don't even need to think.

“Strings! Violins and the like have always been wonderful.” I call towards the sound of her voice and I guess she nods... that's the trouble with being blind is that more then half the things you say are with how you move. I hear her leave further and when she's out of earshot I just have to ask. “Does she often nod towards the blind?” I ask and there's a snort.

“Sorry. You just carry it a little too well. It's more like she's used to having the patient's problem being shoved in her face so when it isn't she hardly notices. It's why she's just a nurse. Other then that though she's an excellent caretaker and is both punctual and attentive. Good traits to have.” the one I assume the doctor is says and I nod. “Also you mentioned using magic for most everything you do. Does that mean that you'd prefer it we focused on repairing your horn?” he asks and I nod eagerly. Yes magic please! I need it! I want it! I love it! I sound like those fools who beg as they get thrown out of an opium den.

“Is there any real way to direct a regeneration spell? Don't they just work on everything at once?” the one that I assumed was a guard because he clinked when he walked asked the doctor. Again I must assume there was a nod or something.

“Not generally no. You can't direct such a spell but you can contain it to a specific part of the body so it's exclusively worked on as if it were the only injury. It's one of the spell advances that Star Swirl the Bearded is accredited and in my opinion his under-appreciated masterpiece.” the doctor explains and I have to admit. It's brilliant. Granted I haven't studied healing but it sounds smart. I think. I wish I'd paid more attention to the village sage as a child...

There's the sound of hurried footsteps and I think the nurse is returning with the CD player thing. “Sorry I didn't send you rushing all over the place did I?” I ask her more just to be polite then any real reason. She doesn't answer and I'm sick of guessing what movements they're making.

“Uhm... is that a yes? No? Maybe so? Sorry but if you'll remember, I'm blind.” I say after a few silent moments pass. “Also on the topic of my being blind could I get some bandages wrapped around my empty eyes? I open them when startled and occasionally something gets inside.” I quickly request when the thought to ask occurs to me. I don't want another bee incident... granted with eyes this size I might have to worry about bats instead.

“Oh I'm sorry. It wasn't any trouble to get this and I brought Octavia's Muse. It's rather popular and very well done compilation piece with a solid hour of amazing Cello work.” She explains and I nod, it does sound rather nice.

“Not to mention she's gorgeous to boot, with the most amazing voice and poise...” the guard said and I slowly turn my head to him with a raised eyebrow. Finally I may be able to get some (non-violent) entertainment. For once. In twenty years.

“You do realize that until you actually speak with her that you're not liable to go anywhere with this relationship and before you ask I can tell you haven't actually spoken because you only mentioned the sound of her voice. Not any personality traits or interests.” I say laying out as much bait as thickly as I can... oh please oh please oh please take the bait.

“Well what would you know about these things you're a foal!” he protests and I grin widely. He took the bait. “There is no way you could have...” My grin turns into a massive teeth filled smile. “No...” he sounds panicked and I nod. “No way in Tartarus could a foal have possibly...” he starts and I cut him off with a throaty chuckle. I push through my headache and quickly cast a fourth sight spell and I am not disappointed.

The guard in front of me who is a stark white pegasus in gold armour with a black mane is staring at me in absolute shock looking like his jaw is about to unhinge and fall away. Further in the distance another guard this one in black armour has turned to face the room and is staring at me with a huge grin. He's got a dark grey coat and I can't see his mane but his tail is stark white. The one I've been guessing is the doctor is a normal horse with a brown coat with white spots and is wearing a long white coat and has what looks like a flat disk on a hose that splits into two metal sticks that come together again with black buds with the same material as the hose. It looks like it may be used for listening to things.

One nurse had hot pink hair and lime green fur which is really painful on the... Alright it's mostly painful to think about because I didn't 'see' it per say and the other is more sedate with a light yellow body and black hair. The both of them have variations of a red cross on their flanks a symbol which they also have on the hats they wear. They've also gone completely bug eyed and the doctor's eyes are crossed.

“That spell hurt to cast but the looks on your faces are well worth it.” I say stretching my wings a little and getting the feel for them. I wonder how long it will take them to recover from this revelation. Still... I suppose being in the form of a small child has a lot of room for fun. Provided that no one gets back at me by pulling the age card.

Time creeps by but I'm not sure how much... I'm fairly certain it's been at least several minutes and no one has said a thing. “You know the silence is getting a little on the creepy side.” I comment and the doctor clears his voice.

“Sorry it's just the implication that you've... been with a mare...” he says slowly and cautiously.

“Well what happened is that I had found a crystal which let me cast a formshift spell, so I turned myself into a true stallion and sampled the finer sides of adult life.” I say with complete honesty. That had been possibly the best week of my life. Good food, good company, good fun, bad fun, naughty fun, sexy fun and my personal favourite Scandalous Fun.

“You didn't.” the guard from the door states and I'd wager he's probably eagerly leaning in.

“I most certainly did. I must say that whisky is quite the treat and while amusing at first opium leaves something to be desired. But the real gem of that week before the crystal lost it's power... it was Velvet. Oh now she was a gem.” I say in a deeper tone remembering that dark skinned beauty. I love remembering this week, and sharing it is likely to make an amazing splash and I must admit, I'm morbidly curious as to how this will turn out.

“Nooo....” the doctor states and my smile widens.

“Oh yes. She was a beauty, the deepest brown eyes and the most intriguing spicy scent that coiled it's way into my mind. She moved with a grace that no cat could match and had an almost whisper like breathy voice.” I continue and it sounds like the nearer guard is mulling the image over in his mind and liking it if the soft chuckling is any indication.

“Please tell me you didn't sleep with her.” the doctor asks and I smile and sigh as I stretch my wings out and hold them there to test their feel. Hey I can multitask thank you very much.

“That and more. It started with a few drinks, then a lovely conversation that ended up being about all of nothing. Finally she invited me into her home and I used all of my skill in magic to give her a deep muscle massage that had her moaning and begging for more.” I continue still being fully truthful just leaving out details like my sneaking past her father's guards and the fact that both of us being nude meant a lot more at the time.

“Oh dear Celestia...” the doctor exclaims in a shaking voice.

“And then I learned just how amazingly flexible she was... it was like her spine was made of rope rather then bone and those sounds she made... oh those little whimpers and pleads for more...” I continue and there's a choking sound from the doctor as the guards chuckle slightly.

“I... I... I must report this!” the doctor declares and rushes off.

“You know I didn't peg him for a tattletale.” I remark as the hoof falls vanish into the distance. I'd give so much to be a fly on the wall when he makes his report.

“With good reason, what were you thinking?!” One of the nurses demands and I think it's the pink and green one.

“That it was the most amazing night of my life and I'd give anything to be with her again.” I say calmly and fold my wings up with a sigh. I hear some slight popping noises as I feel the joints pop into place.

“But what if she got pregnant? You're too young to be raising foals of your own.” the other nurse asks and I sigh again.

“Probably. But... I'd love to have a family again.” I say softly and my good mood dies as my mind returns to the memory of finding my family's remains. I sigh for a third time, this time in longing.

“So your advice is?” the guard asks me again and I turn to him and smile.

“Take it slow, different genders move at different paces so move at her speed. Keep her comfortable with you and slowly move in. If you can stretch one night into an eternity you've won.” I say and he chuckles a little to himself. I suddenly feel a large amount of magic being used nearby and I turn my head quickly to face the threat... not that it will make any difference as I CAN'T SEE!!!!!

“Who is it?” I ask pleasantly the memories of Velvet having put me in a much better mood. If I ever find myself back on my former world I really do have to go back to Three Falls Port and find out what happened after her father chased me out.

“It's me. I've been told that there has been some rather shocking behaviour in here.” The alicorn I've presumed to be Celestia states and I smile at this. Let's see if I can get a reaction.

“Well I was just sharing stories of one of the few times in my life where I wasn't being attacked or hunted and apparently what I did shocked the good doctor. Actually it seems everything I do is rather shocking no matter what story I share. If I share a more unpleasant one then there is gagging and disgust. But if I share one of my few pleasant memories then what I did was immoral! All I did was spend a peaceful time in a port city without having to hurt anything. I found joy, I found good companionship, I found fun, I found love and apparently that's wrong! I was under the impression that you intend for things to be pleasant for me, yet simultaneously everypony around me is shocked when I share a pleasant memory! It's terribly confusing.” I explain at length mentally chanting 'Take the Bait' over and over again.

'Maybe next time.' her voice echoes in my mind and my eyes snap open again as I try in vain to stare at her. She can hear my thoughts!? Oh no... 'If you are wondering I can't hear thoughts unless you project them at me like you're little Take the Bait chant.' I hear in my mind followed by a touch of laughter... well damnit.

“What am I going to do with you?” she asks audibly like a disappointed mother. Like she doesn't know?

“Well most tend to hire assassins, but you're very powerful yourself and not a figurehead leader so most likely murder.” I say calmly already ready to run. She seems like the more direct type so if I dodge the initial blast and get out a window I can probably hide while taunting her with my thoughts.

“That's not how things are dealt with in Equestria.” She tells me sternly and I raise an eyebrow.

“So there are no assassin guilds at all around here? Bizarre...” I reply and again I can feel quite a few pairs of eyes on me. “What? I was declared an impossible mark by three separate guilds. I wanted to make it four...” I say a little petulantly.

“... and how did you accomplish that?” Celestia asks me in an honestly curious tone.

“Well beating half the assassins in a guild got me the first two and breaking into their stronghold and beating the guildmaster to an inch of death got me the third. Those ones were annoying, they just left traps all the time. The first one used close range weapons like knifes, the second one used long range ones like bows and all three were more than a little poison happy.” I explain rubbing my neck where those jackasses kept trying to get me to cut my own head off by walking into the near invisible razor wire.

“Unpleasant memories?” Celestia asks sounding concerned. I shrug ruefully.

“Unpleasant defines practically all of my memories, and now one of my good ones has scared somepony as well... I seem to be just an all around horrifying little pony don't I?” I ask and I'd glance around the room slyly if I could but my lack of eyes and sight ruins my ability to do so.

“You're not horrifying, it's what's happened to you that's horrifying. Now what was this about you having a lover named Velvet somewhere?” she asks and I feel her asking to be let in... strange... I let it happen but I tense up my legs so I can bolt. There is a feather light touch on my find and a tittering sound before she pulls away. This has given me a little time to think.

“Well to be honest she's convinced that I'm a massive musclebound pirate named Adonis and when I leapt out the window to escape her father's wraith I caught an arrow in the back of my head. Obviously I survived but she saw it so there's that bridge burnt. I really would love to see her again but I did poke my head in nearly half a year later and it was clear she wasn't pregnant in any capacity. So I left a rose and a saucy little letter addressed from the afterlife and that was that.” I explain remembering climbing up the side of the house the body she loved long gone and only the face of a wanted man remaining as I slip in the window and lay them down on her dresser before vanishing into the night as she opens the door. “Granted it was probably a good thing the father caught me, the crystal I was using to transform broke shortly after and she wouldn't be able to recognize me.” I finish and sigh heavily. I want to go back so much.

“And what happened then?” one of the nurses asks this time. I think it's the brightly coloured one. I sigh again... I've been doing that a lot today I really should stop.

“I spent most of my life since then studying ways to enchant crystals hoping beyond hope to figure out how to change again and return to her. I learned a lot but not what I wanted to.” I sigh again... I really need to stop that. I also really need to stop reacting... if I can find my way here then so can my enemies... and that leads me to the thought of the guards. If this place is completely peaceful why would they be needed?

There's a sob from one of nurses... wait make that both of them. Hmm if there's a need for guards then it's likely that there's a need for an army as well. If they need an army then there's likely enemies to the country I'm in. If there is an enemy to the country then it's likely focused on the ruling body in other words the Alicorns... which now include me... hmm... so I'm not paranoid... good to know. Now what do I have to prepare for?

And now a very large pony is hugging me... Seeing as she's many times larger then other ponies I must assume it's Celestia. Then I feel a gurgling in my intestines... oh dear...

“Uhm... thank you but... eating again has started a certain process up again...” I begin and she breaks the hug and backs up a little. “Yea this is awkward but where's the chamber pot?”

“You mean the toilet?” the nearer guard asks and an eyebrow goes up.

“The what?” I ask and I can hear Celestia tittering as I'm positive the rest of the room is staring at me incredulously.

“It's a type of chamberpot that's much cleaner.” Celestia says and I nod. “I'll show you where it is... after all I'm your aunt now little one.” she says and my mind goes blank for a moment causing me to overbalance and fall sideways and nearly off the bed before a spell catches me.

“So what's this about now?” Someone asks. I don't know who, I can't figure out who, my mind has still checked out without leaving contact information.

“Well aside from the kinship between all Alicorns Luna has decided to take it a step further. She's decided to be his mother and is rather excited about it.” Celestia explains and my mind goes from clogged and unmoving to cluttered and confused.

'How could she be my mother when I'm a century and a half old!? What the hell do you mean by adoption!? I still really need to use the chamber pot or duck behind a tree!! Excited how!? Is this another assassination attempt?! Why am I panicking so easily!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?' all screams through my head without any filtration and Celestia's grip on the magic flickers a touch.

“Princess!” the whole room minus myself exclaim.

“It's alright... he was rather confused and began projecting his thoughts outwards in a very chaotic manner and it struck me unexpectedly. No harm done. Now if you'll excuse us.” she says and there is a slight pinch as I assume the needle is taken out of my arm... I hadn't even noticed it in there this time... oh look my mind is resetting... “He really needs to go.” she tells the room and I'm floating through the air and following her as she walks out.

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