• Member Since 18th Apr, 2013
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B_25


Farewell, and Thanks for Coming In! | [Retired]

Sequels1

T

Change only becomes frightening when it begins to affect you.

Spike has remained a baby while everyone else is growing up. His desire to do the same, however, lands him in a hospital bed with a strange new body.

Ponies are treating him differently, the world he once knew is no longer the same, and the onset of sudden changes are hard to adapt to. Fortunately, Scootaloo is there to ease him through his recovery.


Audio reading made possible by star912.

This story would be unreadable were it not for the editing master, Props, the handy-dandy proofreader, CitrusFizz, and man who has three pairs of eyes, Setokaiva.

Dedicated to Spike pimp himself, FamousLastWords.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 231 )

Too much of a lazy cunt to edit this.

Dedicated toΒ FamousLastWords

I've never been more honored, sir.

So why don't they request a different doctor? On whose orders were the guards even there? Why did they obey the doctor instead of waiting for orders from the Princess that was in the room in them? And as a minor question: Why was Scootaloo there but no one else? Granted, the time frame was unclear for obvious reasons, but were none of their other friends informed that he was awake?

I mean, I like the story so far, but there are some logical hiccups and the doctor seems like too much of a one-note villain. Hopefully we can get the character stuff going soon. I like the character stuff so far, and am eager to see more of it.

Really good so far, nice and thorough, definatly following this!

You good sir have my attention. Keep working.

8408382 well, that's too bad. This is a good premise, but the spelling mistakes kinda break the immersion for me.

So, please edit it. For me? :twilightsmile:

8408382
Well at least you're aware of it. This is cute, but without editing I can't offer an upthumb.

Dedicated to FamousLastWords

Interesting. The one chapter so far definitely lives up to my expectations and beyond though! Great writing, though a few minor mishaps here and there, nothing too big.

8408446
Congrats buddy! Ehehehe!

Interesting, but why in the world is Spike under the care of THAT doctor? It seems pretty clear Spike's health can't be trusted with him, physically or mentally. Considering it's been a month, you'd think they probably would've been able to get one of the best.

8408382 Hello, B_25. Your words amuse me.

While the minute details such as misspellings of occasional words may task one's immersion in your story, I would offer the opinion that it is still well-written. Granted, there is one section that, in essence, seemed jarring in its execution.

The doctor gazed blankly back at her from the other side of the room, shaking the fear out from his head, before stepping forward with similar determination. β€œThat dragon has the potential to be anything but helpless. Can’t you see that the dragon has progressed to the next stage of his greed, that one more stunt, and he’ll lay siege to this town like how had done those years ago!”

Something hard gripped around Twilight’s arms. She gasped, feeling the pressure build, and turned around to see Spike holding her. There was a glint in his eye, one born from the fire within it.

For a moment, she looked just as worried as the doctor.

β€œTwi...Twilight?” I said her name as if I had hurt her in more ways than one. I lessened the grip of my claws as a torrent of tears poured from my eyes. β€œI didn’t mean to hurt anypony...I didn’t mean to become a monster again...I never wanted to hurt this town again...I’m sorry I hurt you…”

I speak, in essence, of the sudden shift to the third person perspective in the midst of what had been previously framed as a first-person retrospective account. This may not be the only thing you would wish to edit, should your condition of being "a lazy cunt" change in the near future, but it is the only portion that I feel holds the highest priority.

I wish you good day, mood, and luck.

~ Mad Man Moon

What a very engaging story. The perspective of Spike as everything is recalled is very good. The way you gradually make the reader aware of the environment is exceptional.

This story also explores the potential of Spike ever gaining wings along with if he'd ever grow beyond his little pudgy self. Throwing in the concern of the town of what happened when he grew as a result of greed certainly puts a lot more depth into the tale as well.

The portrayal of Scoots is also quite clever. I do hope to see how this story further unfolds and why it seems there is such suspense at the tale's start.

Bravo, now please. Post more so i may continue my reading!

8408382
I see.

Well, I am enjoying it anyway. For some reason I thought this was the only chapter, so I am glad there will be more.

Some of the stuff is interesting, and some of it bothers me.

My biggest issue with it, however, is the voice. It doesn't sound like Spike is the one telling the story to me.

Spike suffers from Inuyasha Syndrome. Meaning, he is the only one of his kind to have absolutely no control over his 'monster form' and his monster form is, for a totally inexplicable reason, completely incapable of thought or reason.

Kurosaki Ichigo suffered from a very strange variant of this in that his Hollow MIND was far smarter than he was and knew everything about how his powers worked, but when in physical control, it seemed to be nothing but a mindless killing machine.

:raritywink:

I heard the cry of Scootaloo’s voice, and the hoofsteps of a Princess, but the sharp ends were already coming down upon me.

Ok, this is pretty stupid right here. You have a dragon who is 1) practically the child of 2 alicorn princesses, and was babysat along with Twily by a third 2) beloved as a hero by the Crystal Empire 3) close friend to the new Dragon Lord 4) basically an ambassador to the changelings 5) and most importantly... a buddy of Discord's... you do not mess with a buddy of Discord's... it will end badly for you...

And not only is this unknown and clearly hostile doctor dealing with him instead of his friends and someone competent, but the guard, whom I'm assuming would have been given rather specific instructions by the Princesses as to how not to f@%# things up, just outright attack the dragon who has his own throne in the magical tree castle of McGuffinness.

This is about as stupid an act as Kim Jung Un walking unarmed into a group of Montana militiamen during their target practice and giving them the finger. :trollestia:

The doctor turned around just as his horn lit in a gray glow, the same sphere of magic surrounding the handle of the door. β€œYou wouldn't want us to be tardy in our discernible of the status update to Celestia on her favorite dragon, don't we?”

Dude, seriously? Does this guy think Celestia would do anything other than kick his flank into the Sun BODILY for trying to have Spike killed? And he doesn't know a damned thing about dragons anyway! How the hell did such a prick get permission to even be there?

None of this makes any sense!

8408798 I see no alt universe tag, so I'm assuming this takes place after canon... why didn't they ask any of the other dragons about this abnormal bleeding and growth? Why do they still know so little even after years of friendship with Ember?

Ugh, there are too many questions about this entire situation. I can't see any of the alicorns letting this douchebag near Spike. Fluttershy is more qualified. Heck, that vet who looked at him once is more qualified, because at least she admitted she had no idea what was going on and wasn't a creep about it.

8409297
I thought this took place between seasons 3 and 4. Spike mentions being in Golden Oaks, and Twilight is a princess. That says after season 3, but before the season 4 finale.

8408798
thats the problem, one of the best doesn't mean one of the best with people. this is likely one of those specialists more into the science or the field then the actual people.

B_25 I enjoy your story greatly, and it is good, but if you aren't going to edit this then I recommend adding this to the Looking For Editors group, so in the future we don't have more of this:

Change never frighten me until recently.

Frightened

I watched with blurriness as my blood had covered the floor around my, streaking past my eyes in its quest to cover more of the floor with my life blood.

I think you missed part if this sentence. Right after "the floor around my," you switch topics. That or you mean, "covered the floor around me."

being Rainbow Dash’s discipline

disciple is the word you're looking for.

β€œIt was still a greed phrase all along!”

Phase.
But good story all around. Keep it up.

... I'll keep an eye on this, keep up the good work

DUDE this is good please keep up the good work!!!:heart::twilightsmile:

Why doesn't Scoots have her CM in the cover pic? AUTOMATIC UNFAVOURITE! :twilightsmile:

Wow, That doctor needs to be bitch-slapped.

Also- Good work so far!

Impressive. Looking forward to this continuing!:moustache:

You have what is an interesting idea here with a lot of potential. However the storytelling seems to be a bit disjointed and erratic. You'll need to stabilize the narrative as you go forward with it.

Hmm... I certainly like the idea of this and enjoyed the chapter for the most part, but I agree with others that it does need editing - there are a lot of wrong word choices, the odd typo and more than a few moments that were just plain weird.

Still, I'll give it a follow. I admit I'm a little biased, as I am rather fond of non-obvious or odd ships like this one but, even ignoring that, I'm interested to see where you go with this.

If I were Twilight I would have said this to the doctor:
"Spike is your patient, he is restrained, and you just ordered two guards to stab him. You took an oath to do no harm, give me one good reason I shouldn't go to Princess Celestia and have your medical license revoked right now!?":twilightangry2:

I'm serious here, that doctor should be fired and have his license revoked.

8409365 Ok, still doesn't explain why the hero of the Crystal Empire and the almost-son of an alicorn Princess is being handled by an unqualified loon.

8409932>>8409568>>8409132>>8408859>>8408798>>8408491

Sorry folks, all that I have posted now is the first draft. Doing the second-draft now to fix what drunken me missed.

No re-read will be required of the first chapter tho.

8408681
How could I ever say no to you?

8410006 Oh, and let's not forget he actually tried to make a veiled threat to Twilight... let's think this through. He tried to imply that he, a mere low-level doctor, could impinge upon the credulity of Celestia's personal student, thrice savior of Equestria by this point, who also was PERSONALLY led by Celestia to ascension into an alicorn... and Twilight just stood there and said nothing to this A-hole?!

People hate Blueblood for far less! This guy should be ASHES right now!

8410208
Blargh. Will re-write the scene.

Yeah, can't say this is off to a good start. The whole scene with the doctor makes absolutely no sense in standard pony continuity; if you want to take this angle, you're going to have to address in detail why he's presuming to threaten a hero of the nation, why someone so completely at loggerheads with one of the rulers of said nation is allowed within spitting distance of one of her favorites, and why on earth said doctor thinks he can get away with trying to hold 'I report to Celestia' over a mare who regularly takes tea with Celestia. Who's backing this, and why, and how are they getting away with it?

There's no explanation for any of that in the story at the moment, so it just comes off as jarring and shatters immersion completely - drama introduced for its own sake without regard to how it makes sense in the story's world

8410215
Blargh, sorry chief. Doing the second draft now.

Comment posted by Fracturedheart deleted Sep 6th, 2017

Why on earth would you not mean to kiss Scootaloo?

8410208 I don't think Twilight is a Princess yet in this story, but yeah I thought that too.

8410319
I have no idea what part of that comment comes off as that person being a troll. It all looked like constructive criticism to me. That person asked questions about why this was in the story in the first place and then explained how those questions weren't answered in the context of the story and ended with how the story suffered so far from it. Complaints of previous people in the comments were echoed. Unless all of is considered trolling, in which case... Oh.

TBF, it took me a couple years to put up a story and a blog post on this site and even before that happened, I was still leaving comments. Not sure what the lack of that stuff has to do with anything.

8410319 No, he has a point. The idea of there being a bigoted doctor who has already made up his mind that Spike is a threat is a good one, a decent way to introduce conflict, but the way he was introduced and acted was rather abrupt and jarring, as is the way Twilight failed to call him on it, just standing around in the background.

There's also the inital change scene which seems rather full of glurge and angst. It was rather overdone. This is not a bad idea, or a bad story, but it could be written better.

I think the doctor's angle would be more plausible if his bias showed up in his mannerisms and asking loaded questions, like he's giving eye contact or little faces or gestures to the guards posted there in between asking them. Implying the threat more than outright stating it. The thing is though, with Twilight being in the room she'd be very protective at this stage and would be running counteroffensive on the doc right back, demanding to know just what he's implying with his questioning. At present to me it's very "WUT. Twilight would have beaten wholesale ass for less than this."

8410458 Even if it's just Season 2 Twilight, she'd still have stopped NMM and Discord. And Spike would still be the dragon personally known and beloved by Celestia.

The doctor would still be ash. :trollestia:

8410319
Apparently giving constructive criticism while having no picture on their account = troll. And apparently you are required to have experience in writing to say anything about someone's story!

I'll smite arrogance for 1000, please.

Just because you wrote stories on this website doesn't mean you have more experience than a person who hasn't. Don't use authority on a fanfiction website, please. It's nasty and extremely unappealing.

I for one enjoyed this and can’t wait to see more. Although the doctor made me legitimately pissed.

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