The Writers' Group56,396 stories ·9,291 members
Protect Celestia1,762 stories ·1,945 members
Silence. The golden rule is silence. Silence, and obediance.
For years, you have trained as a royal guard. Now, thanks to the fortuitous return of Shining Armour, your old-time friend and Captain, you are promoted to guarding Celestia personally. What follows, though, is the discovery of a personal side to the Sun Princess that you could never have imagined, not even in your most vivid dreams.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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1616830
If I had a nickel for every time you've commented on a story I'm about to read I'd have a dollar by now.
I like this fanfic.
1616868
I'd be a billionaire.
1616905>>1616868 I'm famous, bitches!
Whoops. This needs a proofread. A few things need a fix.
Oh well, I'll do it when I get home.
1616922
Keep doing it, I'm already up to a dollar and a nickel. Oh yes, and the story is quite good too.
1616928 Only 21? Man, I need to step it up.
Not a bad start. Not bad at all.
Hmm... I'm not too sure about this. I like the concept, and the narrative seems fine...
But I am concerned by the manner in which the main character speaks. The amount of times 'my' lines are spoken without speech marks - or even reduced to descriptions of the vocalizations - is very high. There are also more errors than would normally find in a story like this.
That said, I'm not one to let a few formatting issues get in the way of an interesting story, so I think I'll watch this.
Excellent. You always put out great work, writer. I'll read this when I've got a good half-hour of free time to kill.
Personally, I like the story. While I have a few qualms about it, such as how 'I' speak, but that's nothing to worry about.
1616926 It's very descriptive and suits the style it's written in. there are a few grammar errors I think and awkward sounding sentences, but I didn't immediately catch them so you're good. faving and seeing where this goes.
I'm going to add this to my read later pile but it seem's interesting enough though.
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This warrants further reading.
Imma be watchin this...
it's interesting, keep it up.
.I can't believe this doesn't have more attention yet.
This is RIDICULOUSLY good, trust me, I've read my fair share of FimFiction and I can tell.
Don't listen to anyone that tells you otherwise ;D
Now, update! I command thee!
1616868 and I'd be a rich man, considering how often I see this dude
What first came to my mind when I saw the title...
Anyway the fic is pretty good. I am excited to see where this is going.
This story is gold, please continue post-haste.
you have caught my attention
1616958
BEGONE DEMON!
1616905 fancy meeting you here
This is really awesome! I hope the next chapter comes soon!
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1617550
YEAH YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
YEAH YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
YEAH YEAH YEAH, NO, NO...
Funny thing is, you have no idea how close I was to making this a clop fic about a three way with Cadence and Shining Armour.
I'm pleased I didn't; honestly I suck at that stuff anyway
ok one thing don't EVER EVER SAY ( I believe I am terrible at both ) ok
YOU done good
An interesting piece. You've definitely got talent! The way you've portrayed Celestia definitely sells her goddess-like status, and I feel very overwhelmed by her sheer presence. That's really something. I hope to see more soon.
Great first chapter! I don't know what you were thinking when you said that you were terrible at both, but keep up the great work, dude, I look forward to seeing more of this!
Very interesting and atypical style. I like it! It reminds me of 'The Three Musketeers' or some of Steven Brust's work.
This. Is. Epic. Tracked
I really like the concept, it's just that I can't bring myself to really enjoy second-person stories. I won't dislike it or anything, but I just wish there was something like this in a first or third-person perspective. I understand the appeal of 2P-view, but it doesn't appeal to me. It's like Legend of Zelda; I understand it's good, but I personally don't care for it. I'll leave a like though, since a few other readers I'm familiar with seem to like it, and we share some interests.
1616994
I agree with you there Cloud; the dialog needs some polish to smooth out the rough edges.
1618076
I am glad you did not go down that route.
I like the idea of a slice-of-life fic about Canterlot politics (my favourite genre) from a royal guard's perspective.
I cannot wait to see what happens next!
1617911
That is probably because second-person is so fuggin' hard to get right with the characterization, tense consistency, and dialogue.
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Going to keep an eye on this.
Yay! You've finally made it to the feature box!
Some things that are written makes it seem like a human but others contradict it. There's no human tag so i'm assuming its a pony point of view?
1617660 Exorcism: You're doing it wrong.
1618896
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTALNwN35qht3P8TsDg-INukBCUHymAEYL1Lo6kzKDGfcibHKqYyQ I usually sub-contract to these guys when I need demons removed from the premise. Everything else and I have this: encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTZb2DMu88irOu80ElfE5Uv8EfRR55tS-m7z4ynm9oTL4l206tg
1618940 You should know that the only thing that could possible get me away is Nirvana. But I'm not about to tell you that.
1617549 You're welcome.
WRITER! YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
YOU GOT FEATURED
Overall its good although I'm not a fan of 2nd person stories because you can't give then any personalty and 95% of them they're 'self insert dating your favorite character"
but if you say with the "POV of a guard as he watches the wacky adventures of the Royal Family" then count me in.
Second-person(pony?) romance with Princess
LunaCelestia?*ahem* Looks good.
Excellent story, now one of my top favorites, and it's only just started.
This is just purely... wow.
Now, never has a cliffhanger ever made me physically react, EVER. But when I finished the chapter, I out of nowhere gave my table a quick smack, and in my mind I shouted "NO!"
All that followed by my family giving me some odd stares
Definitely faved, and thumbs up. I can not WAIT to see what happens next! Celestia is my fave pony, so don't let me down!
1618947
enjoy!
1619150 Good enough.
> proper use of second shipping person that isn't about RD
> proper use of "begins"
Huh. You managed to violate two of my cynical expectations in a single chapter. Congrats!
Good chapter overall, but I might suggest using quotation marks for whenever your character is speaking directly. It makes for a smoother read and feels more like your character is speaking, rather than telling, if that makes any sense. Aside from that, there are a few mistakes here and there grammatically and you're missing a word or two in there somewhere, but otherwise it feels good, so well done.
Can't wait to see more.
Its a beautiful story, but the second person takes away from that, unfortunately. I'm all for writing you instead of I or he, but it's not very appealing when a character is just of a blank slate for the reader to awkwardly project themselves on, and not having the majority of the protagonist's speech as actual dialogue is really dull and somewhat jarring to the immersion. Character is especially important in romances. I don't see anything interesting when one of the main characters is an empty shell.
I'll bite for now, but I'm not sure how long I can last before this gets to me. It's just a real shame to see how well you've done things so far just to see it fall flat with the a protagonist.
Also:
No open quote.
1618940
Initiating scan... Warning. Firepower imbalanced.
Calculating...
Attempting to harmonize...
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Calculating...
Harmony restored. Entering hibernation mode.