• Member Since 30th Nov, 2015
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Rambling Writer


Our job is not to give readers what they want; our job is to show them things they never imagined. --Walt Williams

T

Garble has won the Gauntlet of Fire and taken the Bloodstone Scepter. Upon hearing of this, Celestia, determined to stop the bloodthirsty Dragon Lord in his tracks, challenges him to a one-on-one duel for the fate of Equestria and the Dragonlands. An immortal alicorn capable of moving the sun with millennia of experience under her belt versus a teenaged dragon with no experience at all.

Garble accepts.

Stupider things have probably happened, but it's hard to say how.


Cover art is taken from this comic by Niban-Destikim.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 276 )

Well done!
Have a mustache! :moustache:

Jolly good show, sir!

And that would have been why Dragon Lord Torch did not want his daughter to participate in The Gauntlet.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S.: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! yourself.

Oh! That's a Serious Sam reference! (i think.)

Gotta love Monty Python!
The "dead parrot," or I guess in this case dead dragon, is and always Will be, one of my favorites.

The sun is hot. Really hot. You just won’t believe how vastly infernally mind-bogglingly hot it is. I mean, you may think it’s hot if the air conditioning dies in August, but that’s just peanuts compared to the sun. Listen:

and that's a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference. (i'm pretty sure.)

Garble was, in short, dead. Dead dead dead dead dead. He was not resting. He was not stunned. He was not tired and shagged out. He was not pining for the fjords. He had passed on. He was no more. He had ceased to be. He’d expired and gone to meet his maker. He was a stiff. Bereft of life, he rested in peace. He was pushing up daisies. His metabolic processes were history. He was off the twig. He’d kicked the bucket. He’d shuffled off his mortal coil. He’d run down the curtain. He’d joined the choir invisible. Garble was an ex-dragon.

we get it. The spark of his life was smothered in shite.

The entire crowd froze and stared at the crater. In the back, some of the older dragons Ooooooo’ed. One even applauded. Celestia, encased in a golden shield with the Scepter, was hovering above the crater floor, although her exact position hadn’t changed an inch. “Should’ve taken the cake,” she said quietly. “Why do they never take the cake?”

She gracefully flew over the edge of the crater, alighted on the blasted ground, and drove the Scepter into the rock in front of her. “If you want it,” she called out to the assembled dragons, “come and get it.”

As one, the dragons looked at the Scepter, looked at Celestia, looked at Garble Crater. Scepter, Celestia, Garble Crater. Scepter, Celestia, Garble Crater. As one, they gulped. As one, they took a step back.

Well, not quite as one.

A sapphire-scaled dragon broke the line and dove for the Scepter. She grabbed it and slid a few feet, coming to a stop right at Celestia’s hooves. Looking up, she said, “I, Ember, the new Dragon Lord, do hereby choose cake.”

Celestia smiled sweetly. “Chiffon, marble, or red velvet?”

a wise choice. :ajsmug:

I have lost any ability to even. this was hilarious! 10/10 on the :yay:itude meter!

Why do they never pick cake? Cause most dragons hate cake. Duh :derpytongue2:

Now that's the kind of stuff CeIestia I like reading. Good form.

I don't know whether to get mad at Celestia for killing Garble or be glad that she's not just sitting around doing nothing.

Wasn't this "parrot" also a nostalgia critic moment having to do with The Room?

And that is why you don't mess with the mare who controls the super-heated ball of fire hovering above your heads. Only other downside would be collateral damage, which makes it hard to use in a widely populated area.

Which is why Garble decided to agree to face somepony likely older than his grandpa in a barren valley. And nothing of value was lost.

Garble has won the Gauntlet of Fire and taken the Bloodstone Scepter. Upon hearing of this, Celestia, determined to stop the bloodthirsty Dragon Lord in his tracks, challenges him to a one-on-one duel for the fate of Equestria and the Dragonlands. An immortal alicorn capable of moving the sun with millennia of experience under her belt versus a teenaged dragon with no experience at all.

Garble accepts.

No need to scare the Guard

I've added a missing word.

Also, very nice references to very good British entertainment.

The idjit had it coming

(roughly 15,000,000 degrees Cantergrade, or 27,000,000 degrees Marenheit

This made a laugh, I thought I'd heard all of the horse puns possible but this was new.

A sapphire-scaled dragon broke the line and dove for the Scepter. She grabbed it and slid a few feet, coming to a stop right at Celestia’s hooves. Looking up, she said, “I, Ember, the new Dragon Lord, do hereby choose cake.”
Celestia smiled sweetly. “Chiffon, marble, or red velvet?”

ooh! go for the marble!
Loved this ending.

Finally a story that I can read quickly and enjoy. I'm not calling it a masterpiece but then again most movies I see aren't masterpieces. I'm just looking to be entertained and this made me laugh out loud 3 times. Good job!

(sorry, folks, I have to say it.)

Well! That takes the cake! :pinkiehappy:

7570384 :facehoof: At least no one made a portal reference.

I adore these kind of Celestia fics, honestly. She's excellent at tactical wordplay, but the actual killing of the other individual is honestly unexpected.

No complaints on my part though :O

7570419 They shouldn't have taken the cake, everyone knows the cake is a lie. :trollestia:

I'm suddenly recalling a line from another fic. Something about ponies having a peaceful, fertile, and beautiful land to live in and dragons being basically relegated to a burnt and burning volcanic wasteland, and how those two facts have a like number of reasons, and if you're not nodding your head and saying "Celestia and Luna" you're deliberately on the wrong page.

Like!

A nice fun read. :pinkiehappy::heart: That kept me smiling all the way though. :twilightsheepish:

Well, that escalated quickly... :pinkiehappy:

cake or death reference here

7570457 just a FYI nothing from imgur works here.

As for the story, I love the way you handled celestia.

cdn.meme.am/instances/250x250/60348303.jpg
You could have done a cut away scene showing someplace getting brighter or gone back to twilight and company panicking with towels but still I loved it.

Hope that Spike and Ember still managed to become friends in this verse.
Long as I get confirmation there, this was pretty damn awesome!

How can he be a stiff or push up daisies if he doesn't have a body?

7570376 Exactly! I'm not one for fancier cakes myself. Vanilla and chocolate are pretty much all I eat of any flavor of things that come in vanilla or chocolate.

7570646 Yeah, sometimes I forget that they blocked fimfic...

Hmm... I wanted to like this one more. It was excellently written, don't get me wrong; I cracked up laughing at several lines. But, well, you lost me when she murdered Garble. I mean, like, callous, premeditated, 'I do this frequently and it is a minor inconvenience to my day' murdered a guy who is basically the equivalent of a dumb drunk teenager, without even giving him a chance to back down after he saw for himself just how out of his league he was (frankly I doubt even Garble would have been dumb enough to keep going much longer, if given half a chance). I'm not one for dark humor and it felt like it clashed with what we know about Celestia's personality: she hardly lets anyone actually die and even big enemies usually get banished to Tartarus if at all possible (lookin' at you, Tirek). I'm guessing this story was born from a combined desire to give a (admittedly fascinating) education about the sun and the desire to see the complete jerk who is Garble get what's coming to him. But using a character who has been solidly and unrepentantly nice and gracious and valuing of life just didn't work out for me.

Ah well. I'll keep an eye out for your next one. Again, excellent job on the writing and most of the humor; the overall idea and I just weren't friends this time.

P.S. To make up for my negative review, which is the kind of review I always hate leaving, here are my favorite lines that made me crack up laughing during this fic:

Dear Princess Celestia,
AAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAA! A TEENAGED DRAGON NAMED GARBLE WON THE GAUNTLET OF FIRE AND NOW HE HAS THE BLOODSTONE SCEPTER AND HE’S THE NEW DRAGON LORD! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAA! AND HE’S GOING TO ATTACK EQUESTRIA WITH AN ARMY OF DRAGONS TOMORROW! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Sincerely,
Spike
P.S.: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Combination of blinding panic and ingrained civil letter-writing form is a hysterical combination. XD

She put a hoof in front of her mouth and loudly whispered, “Go for the cake.”

WHY DO THEY NEVER GO FOR THE CAKE

roughly 15,000,000 degrees Cantergrade, or 27,000,000 degrees Marenheit, whichever you prefer

A bit too long on some of the Monty Python references, but still funny as heck.

Kick some tail, Sunbutt!

Chiffon, marble, or red velvet?”

And the proper response to the would be "what would you recommend as I love all types of cake". Have an upvote!

Excellent show, Lady Celestia. *raises up my cup of tea while sitting by a table with cake and crumpets* We've been trying to put some sense into the thick skulls of younger dragons. But alas their skulls are too thick to even think properly. Except somewhat for Lady Ember of course.

The Monty Python reference alone got my upvote.

Bravo! :moustache:

Marble. I'd go with marble. Or no. Red Velvet. I would definitely go with red velvet.

get rktd son, sunbut OP dice PLZ
u get like and fav for lolz
fck grammer:derpytongue2:

I'm digging that everybody's so caught up in the Monty Python that nobody noticed that Futurama refence.

Celestia OP. Plz nerf.

I feel like this fic relies too much on recycling other people's jokes.

All without credit.

Totally matches my own headcanon. I just add Luna to this equation - her abilities to drag ponies into dreamlands like in Tantabus Incident are not accident - this ability exists to shield ponies while material world is burned by Celestia's sunfire. And then, after another idiots are annihilated, Luna simply returns ponies back. Complex and detailed dreams of modern era ponies and fixed dreamland that reflects real Equestria are just side effects of Luna regulary doing so to ancient ponies during starting centures of history when conflict was regular.

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