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Rambling Writer

Our job is not to give readers what they want; our job is to show them things they never imagined. --Walt Williams


An Epic Exposé by Buck Haysing

Lies! Lies! Celestia has been feeding you a delicious smoothie of lies!

Luna never went to the moon! It was all a ploy between her and Celestia! They were trying to safeguard Equestria through a convoluted plan that involved no direct action on their part! It’s all so simple!

Buck Haysing, a manual writer for Thaumodyne, destroys lies, falsehoods, and personal space in his quest to expose the conspiracy. The smallest facts are dissected, analyzed, and twisted until they reveal the truth. Nothing escapes his notice, nothing is meaningless, and nothing is a coincidence. Wake up, sheeple! Wake up, sheeple!

(No apologies to actual sheep. If they didn’t want to be called sheep, they shouldn’t have been sheep.)

“Number one on my reading list!” —Drocsid

“I have no words.” —Princess Luna

“A most enlightening read… A fascinating glimpse into the minds of certain ponies…” —Sunbutt

“Nothing… is… fabricated… or… ignored… Exposes… vile… lies…” —Princess Twilight Sparkle

Written in honor of the 50th anniversary of Apollo 11. I hope you know how this honors Apollo 11, because I don’t.

Chapters (5)

In the distant past, Grogar created thousands upon thousands of monsters and set them loose to ravage the Equestrian countryside, sowing fear and terror in their wake. It was a magnificent time of anarchy like none seen before or since. When he was driven underground, Grogar could no longer control them, but what of it? As he bided his time, consolidated his power, the monsters were still loose, doing exactly what he made them to do.

Except, much to his chagrin, some monsters were reformed. This includes a certain draconequus.

And said draconequus is so happy to see his dad again.

Chapters (1)

After over a hundred years of ruling, Princesses Celestia and Luna are finally getting around to having their capital city built. For head mason Gabion, it's a once-in-numerous-lifetimes opportunity. Canterlot can only be built once, and he's the one overseeing it.

But there's a snag. The design of the castle is eye-poppingly impractical, ready to fall over the cliff at a moment's notice. It's a sin against good architectural practices everywhere. Even Celestia's assurance that she'll personally lend her magic to help build it does little to reassure him.

...And now he'll be giving orders to Princess Celestia herself for the duration of construction. This is going to be a weird job. Maybe he can get to know her a bit, if only to make things a tad less bizarre.

Chapters (7)

This story is a sequel to Best Hell Ever

Once upon a time, Twilight went to hell. It wasn’t that bad. It was pretty great, actually. It had a library! A big one. Like, bigger-than-the-universe big. But then Twilight went and got herself kicked out of hell, and now she’s depressed.

There’s only one logical solution: with Starlight’s reluctant help, Twilight is going to break into hell and invade its library. Oh, it’ll be tricky — trying to find one specific location in an infinite dimension tends to be a bit hard — but the infinite knowledge it’ll provide is too good to pass up. Twilight will find that library if it kills her (which, since this is hell, isn’t the worst thing ever in the grand scheme of things).

There is absolutely no way this can possibly go wrong.

Chapters (7)

Celestia knows Sunset and her friends are often at the center of "happenings" around Canterlot High. So when she overhears Sunset talking to her friends on a cell phone, she can't help but listen in. Maybe she'll learn something about what they're doing.

Or maybe she'll be completely lost about what they're doing.

Chapters (1)

Beyond Equestria, the lands to the north are hostile and unforgiving. Ponies eke out a subsistence in uncontrollable weather, separated by mile after frigid mile of snow and mountains. A land where only the hardiest survive is no place for civilization.

Yet civilization encroaches from time to time. When a colossal bounty is placed on the head of a unicorn deep in the arts of necromancy, a motley crew of bounty hunters assembles and gives chase. It’s too good a chance to pass up. They’ll bring her to justice, no matter what it stands in their way. Not her dark magic. Not the inhospitable environment.

And certainly not each other.

Chapters (17)

This story is a sequel to Tantabus Communication Protocol

What started with laziness and a tiny slip-up in arcane intelligence creation has blossomed into its own being. With Luna's blessing, the second Tantabus is free to flit around the dreamscape as it pleases, unburdened by oversight. And what pleases it is making good dreams. Who couldn't be happy by making others happy?

As the Tantabus settles into its life, its horizons keep expanding, forever revealing more of the world and of ponies. There's always new things to learn. New dreams to spice up. New nightmares to beat down. New ponies to help. New ponies to annoy.

Don't tell Luna about that last part.

Chapters (4)

While spreading word of the Storm King's defeat, Tempest stops in a cafe. Given her past, nopony wants much to do with her. Except for Sunburst, who couldn't care less. With nothing else to do for a few minutes, they begin talking, mostly about magic. Sunburst's got a theory.

Chapters (1)

1. Never hit the same house twice.
2. One room only.
3. No more than five minutes.
4. Run if you think you’ve been spotted, no matter what.
5. Leave empty-hoofed if you can’t find anything.

Those are the rules of burglary, as far as Warded Lock is concerned. She follows them religiously. They’re good rules. They’ve served her well. She’s made a lot of money following those rules. She hasn’t been caught yet.

But one wealth-redistribution excursion yields a mere pittance in stolen loot. Lock knows there’s more valuables deeper in the house, where her rules say she’s not supposed to go. She could get to them, if only she was willing to bend those rules. So she does and goes deeper into the house than she ought.

Then Lock stumbles on a horrifying secret.

The job is instantly derailed.

And everything goes straight to Tartarus.

Chapters (5)

Nobles have long held sway over Equestrian culture. They are the trendsetters, the heads of the pack. Simply the way they speak can influence language. When they create compliments, similarly-phrased praise spreads throughout the nation. When they implement insults, ponies create situations for those insults to be used. One insult, in particular, has gone down in history as especially infamous.

I'm talking about butts and the photocopying thereof. This is still Equestrian nobility, after all. It's complicated. And stupid. Mostly stupid.

Has a dramatic reading done by Skijarama.

Chapters (1)
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