• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Kicked Out of Canterlot

A purple unicorn laid down under a tree, pulled a book out of her bag, and started to read:

In the beginning, there were two immortal sisters who ruled over the land of Equestria. The older raised the sun and while the younger raised the moon. They both loved their subjects and ruled in harmony.

"LUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed a voice.

The younger princess sighed as she lifted herself off her bed. She crossed her room and opened the door for her frantic older sister.

"LUNA!" screamed Princess Celestia.

"What is it, dear sister?" asked an annoyed Princess Luna.

"It's horrible! It's terrible! It's...it's..." Celestia paused for a moment to think of a word to accurately describe her horror, "It's almost Cupcakes-level bad!"

"That bad?!" asked a now horrified Luna.

"WORSE!" screamed Celestia.

"Then what is it?! Did Discord get free? Are the Changelings attacking?"

"No! It's...it's our subjects!" said Celestia.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Luna. "Is it an outbreak of Cutie Pox? Are they trying to set up a democracy again?"

"No! They're just talking!" screamed Celestia.

"Say it isn't so! Not tal-" Luna paused as her brain registered what her sister just said. "Wait. Talking? Why is talking so bad?"

"Because! They're...they're talking...to me!" Celestia said dramatically. "They just go on and on about their problems and they all expect me to actually care about them! Why do I have to fix their problems?!"

"Um..." began Luna, "that's sort of what a princess does."

"WHAT?!" yelled Celestia. "If I had known that, I would have just let Discord keep being in charge. Or at the very least, I'd have saddled you with dealing with all of their stupid problems."

"Well, you didn't." said Luna, who was back to being annoyed. "And listening to the subjects' complaints is what a responsible ruler does."

"But I don't want to be responsible!" whined the older princess.

"Tough. If you didn't want to deal with it, you shouldn't have insisted on being in charge." said Luna. "And besides, the sooner you listen to the common ponies' problems, the sooner they'll leave you alone."

"Fine! I'll go and listen to their stupid-dumb-stupidly dumb problems." Celestia turned and walked away. She mumbled under her breath, "I never get to do what I want to do..."

Over time, however, the younger sister began to grow resentful of the fact that everypony seemed to love her older sister more than her.

Princess Luna was in her room; playing her Pony-Station. Princess Celestia poked her head in and asked, "What are you playing?"

"Oh, hello sister!" said Luna cheerfully. "I'm just playing Hoof-Life 2. You play as Gordon Freepony and-"

"Yeah, great." said Celestia. "Look, I have some good news. I'm cancelling production of all video games franchises except Call of Pony!"

"W-what?" asked a horrified Luna.

"I know! Isn't it great?" asked a blissfully unaware Celestia. "Anyway, I've gotta go. I'm heading to a party held in my honor! Try not to go crazy from jealousy while I'm gone, 'kay? Kisses!"

Princess Celestia left the room while Princess Luna stared after her in horror.

Eventually, the younger sister went insane from jealousy and became...NIGHTMARE MOON!

As the sky grew dark, Nightmare Moon flew into the air and screamed at the terrified citizens of Equestria, "THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU JUST GAVE ME HOOF-LIFE 2: EPISODE THREE!"

With no other option, the older princess was forced to use the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon to the moon. Feeling great regret, the older sister hid the elements and vowed never to use them again.

"Well this sucks." grumbled Celestia. "First Luna goes coo-coo for Coco Puffs, and now I have to hide away the Elements. And Call of Pony: Modern Warmare was sold out!"

Celestia looked up at the moon in the sky and sighed. "Well, at least Nightmare Moon's gone. Maybe a year on the moon will calm her down." Celestia paused and thought for a moment. "Wait...did I set that banishment spell for one year or a thousand years?"

And so, peace reigned in Equestria. And Nightmare Moon will never ever EVER be back to bother anypony ever again...we think.

The purple unicorn shut her book and scoffed, "Elements of Harmony? Please. I've never even heard of these 'Elements of Harmony'." She put the book in her bag and started walking towards the her apartment. "What a load of..."

"Oh, Twilight!" said a voice. "There you are!"

Twilight stopped mumbling to herself and looked up to see three ponies in front of her.

"We've been looking everywhere for you!" said one. "Moondancer is having a party in the West Castle Courtyard! There's going to be music and dancing and stallions and drugs and..."

"As fun as that sounds," interrupted Twilight, "I'm afraid I'm going to be spending the evening studying with my one true love!"

"Twilight, are you talking about that portrait of Starswirl the Bearded?" asked the other pony.

"That sexy beard..." Twilight mumbled to herself. Noticing that the three ponies were staring at her, she quickly (and unconvincingly) lied, "NO! I meant...Spike?"

"Your pet dragon?"

"I mean, Shining Armor!"

"Your brother?"

"I...I mean...Princess Celestia?"

"The Princess?" said the other pony skeptically.

"Um...yes?" said a nervous Twilight.

"...Nice." said the gullible other pony. "Well, have fun with your date with the Princess, Twilight!"

"And you have fun at Moondancer's party..." Twilight racked her brains in an attempt to remember the pony's name, "...you!"

"See ya!" waved the other pony as she walked away.

"...My God, I hope the Princess doesn't find out I called her my 'one true love'." Murmured Twilight to herself as she started to run away. "Though in the right light, Celestia does look kind of-" Twilight shook her head and yelled to herself, "FOCUS! Elements of Harmony! Need to find out if they're real or not!"

"Twilight!" yelled a pony as Twilight ran past, "It's me, Lyra!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Twilight yelled back. "I have books to read and a portrait to fondle!"

"Ok, see you later!" yelled back Lyra cheerfully.

Twilight eventually reached her home and threw open the doors. "SPIKE!" she yelled, "SPIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

"Ow." said a voice.

Twilight looked down on the floor where a dazed little dragon was laying in a pain-induced stupor. "Spike! What are you doing on the floor?"

"It's a long story." groaned Spike.

5 seconds earlier

Spike walked towards the door with a present in his claws. He noticed how perfect the weather seemed today and how excited he was for Moondancer's party. He started whistling a cheery tune and briefly felt a sense of accomplishment due to the fact that he had conquered his fear of the front door swinging open and smacking him in the face.

Spike reached for the handle to the front door. Before he even touched it, the door swung open and smacked him in the face.

Now

"Spike, that wasn't a long story at all." said Twilight as she was going upstairs. "Now stop laying around and look for anything relating to something called the Elements of Harmony!"

Spike rubbed his head and walked upstairs to Twilight's personal library. "Try Prophecies and Predictions."

Twilight glared at Spike and growled, "Excuse me. Who is Princess Celestia's student and who is the assistant to Princess Celestia's student?"

Spike rolled his eyes and said, "Fine. What book do you want to look at?"

Twilight thought for a moment and said begrudgingly, "Try Prophecies and Predictions."

"Brillant idea." said Spike sarcastically. "Crazy purple psychopath..." he mumbled under his breath.

Twilight used her magic to grab several books. "Let's see...Plots of the Rich and Famous? No. Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Math But Were Afraid to Ask? No... Fancypants: The Man, The Myth, The Legend? NO!" She turned and yelled, "SPIKE!"

"I found it!" yelled Spike as he held the book up.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Yelled Twilight as she used magic to grab the book and bring it closer to her. Unfortunately, she also dragged Spike with it and he fell face-first to the floor.

"Oh...hello floor." said Spike weakly. "It's good to see you again..."

Twilight flipped through the pages in the book. "Let's see...Elements...Elements...AH-HA!" She exclaimed in triumph. "Elements of Harmony! Let's see...Elements of Harmony: See Mare in the Moon."

"Mare in the Moon?" asked Spike from the floor. "Isn't that that old legend?"

"Yeah." said Twilight. "But what do the Elements of Harmony have to do with that?" She flipped some more pages in her book, "Let's see...ah, here we go. Mare in the Moon! Blah blah blah...Elements of Harmony used to banish Nightmare Moon to the moon...blah blah...Nightmare Moon probably going to return on the longest day of the thousandth year...blah...World will end in 2012...blah blah blah." Twilight gasped and said, "Spike! Do you know what this means?"

"Um...I actually wasn't paying attention." said Spike. "Who are we talking about again?"

"Spike! Nightmare Moon! Longest day! Thousandth Year!" She handed him a scroll. "You. Write stuff. NOW."

"Fine, fine." said Spike as he grabbed a quill. "What am I writing?"

"How about Dear Princess Celestia, in my studies into pony magic, culture, and history, I have discovered an utter catastrophe that may occur the day after tomorrow! An ancient foe that you yourself banished a millennia ago, Nightmare Moon, is about to return and reap her vengeance! You must take action to ensure that she cannot return, or at least prepare to banish her again to minimize that damage she will undoubtedly cause. So..." She turned to Spike, "Got all that?"

Spike shrugged and said, "I just wrote, Yo, Princess C! Bad mammajamma Nightmare Moon is rollin' back to da hood to lay a beatdown on all 'a ya'll. You best get yo' shiz together and boot her booty back to da moon! From Twilight. How's that?" Spike asked Twilight with a big smile on his face.

"...Whatever." mumbled Twilight. "Just send the stupid letter."

"Hang on!" Spike wrote some more on the letter. "P.S. Spike says hi!" He rolled the letter up, took a deep breath, and blew green fire on it. The letter dissolved into smoke and drifted out the window. "Isn't the Princess really busy with her whole Summer Sun Festival thing?"

"Spike, this is much more important than some stupid festival! Our lives may be at an end! We have to stop Nightmare Moon from returning!" said Twilight.

Spike was about to argue further, but he belched instead. Smoke was blown from Spike's mouth, swirled, and transformed into another letter.

Twilight smirked and said, "I knew the Princess would want to listen to me! There's no way she wouldn't listen to me!"

Spike grabbed the letter and began to read, "Dear Twilight Sparkle, I'm not listening to you."

"SAY WHAT?!" Twilight yelled. "Why not?"

Spike read on, "You need to get out of your library and go make some friends. REAL friends. You can't spend your life indoors all the time, even if you do have a portrait of Starswirl the Bearded to keep you company. So, I'm giving you a special job."

"A job?" asked Twilight. "What does she want me to do?"

Spike continued, " I want you to go to Ponyville and make sure that all the preparations for my festival are in order. This is of the utmost importance. Seriously. I will flip a bitch if even one thing is wrong at my party. You'll need to a place to stay, so I bought you a library. Which sort of contradicts that whole 'making friends that are not books' thing that I wanted you to do, but what can you do? From Her Royal Awesomeness, Princess Celestia. P.S. We are not dating. Please stop telling ponies that we are. P.P.S. Hi, Spike! "

Twilight stared at the letter in horror. "I have to make friends? With other ponies?"

Spike nodded. "Looks that way."

"Well this is gonna suck." predicted Twilight.

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