• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Hail Hydra

Applejack, Pinkie, and Twilight were running into down the road, heading for the woods. Spike was clinging to Twilight’s back as she sped up.

“I thought you were trying to catch Pinkie?” said Spike.

“I was,” replied Twilight, “But it might be better for my health if I stick to observing her rather than capture her. Besides, I’m still not sure if my data was even accurate. My machine might have been broken when it said Pinkie had a new type of magic around her. For all I know, all of her guesses and predictions could have been flukes.”

“…Despite her being right about pretty much everything?” asked Spike.

“What was that Spike?” said Twilight loudly. “I can’t hear you!”

“I said-” began Spike. His jaw glowed purple and snapped shut.

The glow in Twilight’s horn faded and she smirked. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

The three ponies ran into the forest and headed off the path. They slowed to a walk and Spike hopped off of Twilight’s back. He walked up to Applejack and asked, “What do you think is happening with Fluttershy? Do you think something attacked her?”

Applejack scoffed. “Hon, it’s Fluttershy. Ah think we ought to worry about her attacking something else.”

“Yeah…but what if whatever she attacked is strong enough to fight back?” asked Spike.

Applejack paled. “Ah really don’t want to imagine that. Ah don’t want to live in a world where somethin’ like that even exists.”

“Me too…” said Spike. He was silent for a moment. “But what if she exploded!”

“Ponies don’t just explode,” informed Twilight.

“Says the pony that makes exploding suits,” accused Spike.

“Are you still complaining about that?” asked Twilight. “It didn’t even hurt you. Besides, things don’t just explode for no reason.”

“Yeah,” said Pinkie, “It’s not a Michael Bay movie.”

Spike turned green in the face. “I don’t even want to imagine that.”

“Let’s just focus, alright?” said Applejack. “Froggy Bottom Bog ain’t too far from here.”

“Applejack’s right,” said Twilight. “Besides, I’m sure Fluttershy’s fine.”

Meanwhile:

Fluttershy dodged as a huge claw made a swipe at her. “I am not fine!” she screamed as she stared at the creature in front of her.

A giant brown snake-like creature was narrowing its glowing green eyes at her. It opened its maw, revealing its sharp fangs. It roared loudly and shot its head towards Fluttershy, attempting to chomp down on her.

Fluttershy quickly dove into the muddy bog water just as the monster’s head slammed into the ground. “That’s it…” she muttered. “Just keep trying to eat me…Just get your head stuck in the mud and I can-”

“FLUTTERSHY!” yelled Applejack as she and the others ran out of the woods.

“What the hell is that thing?!” yelled Spike, pointing at the monster, who growled in response.

“I’ve got this!” yelled Twilight. Her horn glowed and a battle-axe appeared.

“Wait…you kept that thing?” asked Spike.

“I told you I would make it fit!” yelled Twilight. She used her magic to send the axe spinning towards the monster.

“No, no wait!” yelled Fluttershy, her eyes wide.

The axe struck the monster in the neck. Green blood splattered everywhere as the axe decapitated the creature. Its severed head landed in the mud with a splash and its headless body collapsed.

“You did it!” cheered Spike.

“Way to go, Twilight!” congratulated Applejack.

“No big deal,” said Twilight with a smile. She turned to Fluttershy, who was pulling herself out of the water. “Are you ok, Fluttershy?”

“Am I OK?!” yelled Fluttershy. “Do you know what you just did?!”

“If I recall correctly,” said Twilight smugly, “I just saved your ass.”

“You saved jack shit!” yelled the pegasus. “Do you know what that thing is?! It’s a Hydra! And do you know what Hydras do?”

“Work with Nazis?” asked Spike.

“Infiltrate government organizations?” suggested Twilight.

“Get up after being decapitated?” guessed Pinkie, pointing.

They all turned around and watched as the headless body of the Hydra got back up. The stump of its neck bulged and suddenly three heads burst out of it. The heads smiled viciously at each other, before turning their gaze to the ponies.

“Fluttershy,” said Applejack nervously, “Yer the expert here; what should we do?”

“Well…” began Fluttershy softly, “I suggest we all…RUN FOR OUR LIVES!” She turned tail and ran down the bog.

“Good idea!” yelled Spike, taking off after her.

The other three began running, with Twilight throwing the battle-axe at the Hydra. It struck one of its necks and cut off one of the heads, but two more took its place.

“Would you stop with the head-slicing thing?!” yelled Spike.

The Hydra roared after them and rose from the water. Its two clawed feet stomped through the mud as it chased after the group.

Applejack looked around at the others and noticed something was missing. “Where’s Pinkie?” she asked.

Twilight looked around, but couldn’t see the pink party pony. “I don’t know!” She looked around to see the Hydra gaining on them. She looked forward and came to a halt. A steep hill was in front of them. “Climb!” she shouted.

“Um, Twilight?” came Spike’s voice. Twilight turned to see Spike stuck in the mud behind them, the Hydra almost upon him. “HELP!”

“Goddammit Spike!” screamed Twilight. She ran over and used her magic to pull him out of the mud.

“Wow,” said Spike, floating, “Thanks for coming back for me, that’s really-”

“Applejack, catch!” yelled Twilight. She hurled Spike towards the hill, where Applejack grabbed him.

“Boo-yah!” yelled Applejack, jumping up and throwing Spike to the ground. She blinked and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, Sugarcube.”

“The pain…” moaned Spike.

Twilight looked up to see the Hydra right above her. One of the heads roared and shot down at her. She screamed and threw herself forward, narrowly avoiding the monster’s open jaws. She turned her dive into a roll and towards the hill.

“That was badass!” said Spike.

Twilight used her magic to grab him. “Less talky! More runny!”

The ponies ran up the hill and stopped. They were at the edge of a cliff. The only way to the other side was to jump on small pillars that were in-between cliffs.

“We have to jump!” said Twilight.

“Um…do you have any other plans?” asked Spike nervously.

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!” Twilight reassured. “It’ll be like a video game like…uh…like Jak and Daxter.”

“Ooh!” said Spike excitedly. “Can I be Jak?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Please. You’re obviously Daxter.” She pointed to the pillar in front of them. “Now start jumping!”

Spike walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down at the ground below. “Yeah…I don’t see that happening.”

Twilight sighed. “Spike, these pillars are probably thousands, if not millions, of years old. If they’ve been around this long, there’s very little chance that they’ll collapse if we jump on them.”

A bird tweeted and flew from one of the trees behind them. It landed on one of the pillars. There was a cracking noise as the pillar broke and tipped forwards, hitting and breaking the one in front of it. The pattern continued until the last pillar fell to the ground below.

“You were saying?” asked Spike.

“We’re dead,” replied Twilight.

The Hydra roared as it struggled to climb the hill behind them.

“What would Rainbow Dash do at a time like this?” asked Twilight to herself. She thought about it and imagined that the blue pegasus was next to her.

“Have you got any booze?” asked Imaginary Rainbow Dash.

“No!” said Twilight. She pointed at the approaching monster. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Get up on the Hydra’s back!” yelled Imaginary Rainbow Dash.

“I don’t think that would help,” said Twilight.

“What if I yell it over and over again until you do? Would that help?” asked Imaginary Rainbow Dash.

Twilight sighed and concentrated. The imaginary pegasus disappeared.

“What would Rarity do?” asked Fluttershy.

Twilight imagined the fussy unicorn being next to her.

Imaginary Rarity turned around and looked at the Hydra. “God, that’s ugly. It would have been better purple.”

“Focus!” yelled Twilight. “How would you stop it?”

“Fuck if I know, dear,” said Imaginary Rarity with a shrug. “All I can do is suggest a design for your coffins.”

Twilight growled and Imaginary Rarity disappeared.

“What would Pinkie do?” asked Spike.

Twilight concentrated again and an imaginary version of Pinkie appeared next to her. Imaginary Pinkie opened her mouth and-

“I’m BAAACK!” yelled the real Pinkie Pie as she walked out of the forest. “Is the Hydra still here?”

“Pinkie!” yelled everyone.

“Where did ya go?” asked Applejack.

“Well,” began Pinkie, “The Hydra started chasing us and I thought, ‘Wow, I really don’t want to do this’, so I walked back to Ponyville.”

“You walked back to Ponyville?” repeated Twilight. She smiled. “Great! So, where’s everybody?”

“…Everybody?” asked Pinkie, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” said Twilight. “You know, the help you got? The rescuers? More ponies to help fight the Hydra? Ponies you obviously went back to Ponyville to get?”

“I didn’t bring anyone,” said Pinkie.

“That’s fine,” said Fluttershy with a soft smile. “Then you went to my house and got my Emergency Hydra Kit?”

“Nope!” said Pinkie happily.

“Did ya at least get mah rope?” asked Applejack.

“Uh-uh,” said Pinkie, shaking her head.

“Then why did you go back to Ponyville?!” yelled Spike.

“For snacks!” said Pinkie, holding up a bag of Gummy Bears. “I can’t run from a Hydra on an empty stomach!” She held the bag out. “Want some?”

Imaginary Pinkie grinned and stepped forward. Grabbing some bears, she disappeared with a pop.

Everyone stared at Pinkie.

“…What?” she asked.

“Are you telling me,” said Twilight slowly, “That you, knowing that we were being chased by a murderous monster and could use all the help we could get, walked all the way back to Ponyville, had numerous opportunities to ask ponies for help, ignored a supply kit that an animal expert prepared for this exact situation, forgot about something that one of use could have used as a tool, all so you could go back to Sugarcube Corner, get a snack, and come back here without ANYTHING USEFUL?!” Twilight’s eyes turned red as she screamed.

“Don’t be silly,” said Pinkie. “I didn't go to Sugarcube Corner to get a snack. I went to the library and got a snack.”

The Hydra finally made it to the top of the hill and roared. It began charging toward the group, its mouths opened wide.

Literal steam rushed out of Twilight’s ears. Her fur blazed and turned white-hot, her burning red eyes started to glow brightly, and her mane and tail were engulfed in flame. She turned and pointed her horn at the approaching Hydra.

Fuego,” she muttered angrily.

Her horn glowed bright orange and white-hot flames shot out towards the Hydra. The fire went into each of the Hydra’s mouths, scorching and blistering their tongues. The Hydra’s eyes widened in fear as it burst into flames. The fire burst out of the monster’s chest, scorching the ground as it collapsed. In a few moments, the Hydra was nothing more than a charred skeleton.

Twilight let out a sigh, her eyes, fur, and mane going back to normal. “You know what?” she asked. “Fuck it. Let’s just go home.”

Spike blinked. “Um…what about Pinkie? Are you going to try to capture her again?”

Twilight lifted Spike up and put him on her back. “Spike, if this experience has taught me anything, it’s that Pinkie Pie is random and trying to explain that will only result in a massive headache. From here on out, I officially don’t give a shit.”

“I see…” said Spike. “One more thing?”

“Shoot.”

“Have you always been a Rapidash?” asked Spike. “If so, can I trade you? Princess Celestia has a Lapras that I want.”

“No and no,” said Twilight.

“Too late!” said Spike, breathing on a letter. It turned into smoke and vanished.

There was a whistling noise and Princess Celestia crashed into the ground, creating a crater. She tossed a red and white ball at Spike and used her magic to pick Twilight up. “Thanks for the Rapidash, Spike! I’m going to trade her to Luna for her Magmar!”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” screamed Twilight as Princess Celestia took off with her.

Spike bounced his new Pokémon in his hands. He opened his mouth and started to sing, “I’m gonna be the very best…”

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