• Published 20th Aug 2012
  • 13,527 Views, 1,710 Comments

MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

  • ...
64
 1,710
 13,527

PreviousChapters Next
Bugging Out

Fluttershy hummed to herself as she picked flowers. She was carrying a basket on her back that was filled with flowers.

She felt a tug on her tail. She looked down and saw a squirrel holding up and dandelion. It pointed to the dandelion and chattered excitedly.

Fluttershy laughed and patted the squirrel’s head. “Ain’t that cute?” She took a deep breath and yelled, “BUT IT’S WRONG!”

The squirrel held on desperately to the dandelion, the fuzz flying of it.

“Look,” said an exasperated Fluttershy, “These flowers aren’t just for anyone. They are from Princess Celestia. Do you know who that is?”

The squirrel chattered.

“Well, she’s the one who raises the sun each and every day. She’s kind of a big deal. AND YOU,” she growled, pointing a hoof at the rodent, “WANT TO GIVE HER A DANDELION?!”

The squirrel nodded fearfully.

“Ok, just go find a new one then.” said Fluttershy sweetly. She turned and walked away.

The squirrel curled into the fetal position and started crying.

Fluttershy walked over to a big basket of apples and set her basket of flowers down next to it. She heard something chatter behind her. She turned and came face-to-face with a pair of big green eyes.

Fluttershy backed up and said, “Hello Applejack.”

Applejack smiled and said, “Hey Sugarcube. What’re ya doin’?”

Fluttershy pointed to her basket of flowers. “Getting these for Princess Celestia’s visit. What are you doing out here?”

Applejack proudly pointed to her basket of apples. “Ah’m doin’ the same thing, only with apples.”

“But…” began Fluttershy. “What if Princess Celestia doesn’t like apples?”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Fluttershy. “Pardon?”

“I said, what if Princess Celestia doesn’t like appples?” repeated Fluttershy.

Applejack glared. She grabbed Fluttershy’s neck and pulled her closer. Applejack put her face close to the pegasus. “Everyone. Loves. Apples.”

“O-of course they do…” agreed a meek Fluttershy.

Applejack smiled and let Fluttershy go. “Ah’m glad you came to yer senses. Ah would of hated to have had to beat the shit outta ya.” She looked at her basket and frowned. “Ah still got to get more apples.” Her gaze went back to Fluttershy. “Can you watch mah basket, Sugarcube? Ah won’t be gone long.”

“Sure,” said Fluttershy, “That’s no problem.”

“Oh good.” said Applejack. “Ah’m glad yer up for it.” She glared at the other pony again. “Because if anything happens to mah apples, Ah’ll kick yer little yellow ass right into next winter. Understand?”

“Got it.” said Fluttershy nervously. She watched Applejack walk away. Once the farmer was gone, Fluttershy leaned against a small rock and sighed in relief.

Until the rock chirped, and Fluttershy threw herself back in fear. “I’m sorry! Nothing has happened to your apples, I swear!” she cried, throwing her hooves over her head in fear.

Finding the lack of an angry southern drawl suspicious, Fluttershy peeked out from under her hooves. A small, blue insect looked up at her. It blinked its huge green eyes and chirped.

“Well, hello little guy!” cooed Fluttershy. She held out her hoof and the bug landed on it. “I’ve never seen anything like you before.” Fluttershy frowned slightly. “I should probably be worried about that, but you are just too cute!”

The bug chirped happily and flew over to the basket of apples. It sniffed one and its stomach growled.

“You must be hungry!” said Fluttershy. She looked at the basket of apples, conflicted. “Well…I’m sure Applejack won’t miss one measly little apple.” She grabbed an apple and held it out for the bug. It chirped happily and opened its mouth. Several fangs retracted from its gums and the bug’s eyes turned red. It threw itself at the apple, roaring loudly. After several moments of fruit-based carnage, the apple was devoured.

“Wow!” said Fluttershy, staring at the bug. “You were hungry!”

The bug chirped happily and its stomach growled again.

“You’re still hungry?” asked Fluttershy. She stared at the basket again. “…I’m sure two apples won’t be missed.” She grabbed another apple and the bug quickly ate it. Its stomach growled again. “Three. Applejack definitely won’t miss three apples.” reasoned Fluttershy as she, once again, grabbed an apple out of the basket.

This went on for several minutes. Eventually, Fluttershy reached into the basket and hit its wooden bottom. Fluttershy stared at the basket, worry showing on her features. “Oh no! I better go tell-” The bug chirped happily and nuzzled Fluttershy. It wrapped itself in Fluttershy’s hair and closed its eyes. “…The others that I found the most adorable little bug ever!” she continued happily. She started walking back into town, leaving the empty basket on the ground.

Meanwhile:

“Hurry, Spike, hurry!” yelled Twilight as she dashed around the library. She hastily threw fallen books back onto the shelves. “The Princess will be here any minute.”

“She’s coming tomorrow.” said Spike. He walked over to the bookshelves and properly put the books back. “We have plenty of time.”

“We don’t have any time!” yelled Twilight as she wiped lipstick marks off of her portrait of Starswirl the Bearded. “Do you understand how much we have to do? Ponyville needs to be perfect!”

“And…you can make it perfect in just one day?” asked Spike skeptically.

“No.” admitted Twilight as she dusted Spike off with a feather duster. “But I can make it look perfect long enough to fool Princess Celestia.”

“Just relax for a second!” said Spike. “This is just a casual little visit. It’s not official Princess stuff.”

“Spike,” began Twilight, rolling her eyes, “Do you think the Princess would do anything without taking it completely serious?”

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:

“Your Majesty,” said the noble, bowing down in front of the two Princesses, “I have a request. I-” He paused and looked up at Princess Celestia’s throne in confusion.

Princess Celestia was sitting backwards on the throne. Her backside was up in the air, her crown resting on top of it. “Well,” said the Princess, waving her butt in the air, “You have the attention of Princess Butt-lestia. Ass-k your questions!”

Luna stared at her sister’s rear end and sighed. “How old are you again?”

Back in Ponyville:

“This place needs to be spotless!” said Twilight, waving her hooves around. Her gaze rested on the corner of the room and she sighed. “And get that ridiculous thing out of here.”

“Oh come on, Twilight!” said Spike as he walked over to where she was pointing. He looked up at the decoration and smiled. “It really ties the room together.” He fondly patted the leg on the decoration and added, “Besides, he was just going to go to waste anyway. And Stuffy Stitches really did a good job!”

Twilight sighed. Spike was leaning on the stuffed body of the human that had burst into the spa. Its arms were up and its mouth was open, making it look like the human was roaring. The hole in its chest was still there, letting Twilight see the library wall behind it.

“Do I even want to know how or why you know a taxidermist?” asked Twilight.

“Probably not.” said Spike. He hugged the stuffed human’s leg. “I call him Mr. Miggins!”

Shaking her head, Twilight turned back to the messy library. “This place needs to be spotless.” She repeated. “It’s going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, and-”

“You’re going to leave, aren’t you?” asked Spike.

Twilight was taken aback. “Was it that obvious?”

“A little.” said Spike as he picked up the feather duster. “Just go do what you need to do. I’ll take care of this.”

“Thanks Spike!” said Twilight, giving her assistant a hug.

Spike hugged her back. “…So I can keep Mr. Miggins, right?”

“Fine.” said Twilight as she broke the hug. “But put some sunglasses on him, or something.” She shuddered. “It’s creepy the way his eyes follow you around the room.”

Twilight left the library and started walking down the path to town. Ribbons and flowers were everywhere, as the townsfolk prepared for their immature monarch to arrive.

“How’s it going, Colgate?” asked Twilight as she passed the blue unicorn.

“My name is Minuette, and it’s going fine.” replied the pony tersely.

“Thanks for the update, Colgate.” said Twilight happily. She ignored Minuette’s frustrated growl and continued walking. She came across Carrot Top and Berry Punch, who were putting up a banner. “Good job, you two!” said Twilight. “You really-” She frowned as she noticed what was on the banner. “…Carrot Top.”

“Yes, Twilight?” asked the earth pony.

“What is on the banner?” asked Twilight, trying not to yell.

“Welcome Princess Celestia.” said Carrot Top. “That’s what I told Berry to put on there.”

“Come and read this.” said Twilight.

Carrot Top looked up at the banner and read out loud, “Sorry About the Herpes?” She looked at Berry Punch and said, “You told me that you could handle this, Berry!”

Berry Punch glared at Twilight and Carrot Top. “And the doctor told me I was clean! Turns out we’re all getting lied to, aren’t we?”

“Ok…” said Twilight, backing up slowly as the two ponies started to yell at each other. “I’ll just let you two handle this, ok?” She quickly walked away.

Seeing Bon Bon watering some flowers, Twilight went over to talk to her. “Wow, these look great! Good job, Bon Bon.”

Bon Bon smiled and said, “Thanks, Twilight. It’s nice that someone appreciates the hard work I-”

“Hey! Hey, Twilight!” yelled a voice. Twilight and Bon Bon looked over to see Lyra furiously waving by another bed of flowers. “Come and look at my flowers! They’re so much better than those flowers.”

As Twilight went over to examine Lyra’s flowers, Bon Bon sighed and asked, “What are you doing, Lyra?”

Twilight gasped. “Wow, these flowers are even more beautiful than the ones Bon Bon had.”

Lyra smirked and said, “I’m just proving that you aren’t as great as you think you are. And that anyone can do what you do and be better at it.”

“Oh, you are so lucky I’m sleeping with you!” yelled Bon Bon.

“Not anymore!” shouted Lyra. “You can sleep on the couch!”

“Good!” yelled Bon Bon. “There’s no snoring and less crying about how no one likes the lyre!”

“Fuck you!”

“No, fuck you!”

The two ponies stopped yelling and were breathing heavy, their faces red.

“…God, are you as turned on as I am?” asked Lyra.

“Why don’t I show you?” asked Bon Bon, suggestively. “Let’s go home.”

“Fuck that!” said Lyra. She patted the flower bed. “Let’s just do it right here!”

“Um…” began Twilight. She watched as Bon Bon sauntered over to Lyra. “I-I’m just gonna go…” She blushed as she ran away, Lyra and Bon Bon moaning behind her.

Meanwhile:

Back at the library, Spike looked up at Mr. Miggins and said, “There it is again! That feeling like I’m missing something amazing.”

Being stuffed, but now rocking a pair of sick shades, Mr. Miggins said nothing.

Meanwhile:

Twilight ran into Sugarcube Corner, her face bright red. Mrs. Cake looked up from rolling dough and asked, “Are you alright, dear?”

Twilight stuttered for a few moments. “B-Bon Bon…Lyra…sex…flowers…”

“…I’m just going to ignore that, ok honey?” said Mrs. Cake as she continued rolling the dough.

Twilight took a deep breath and calmed herself. After a few moments, she looked up and asked, “How’s the banquet coming?”

“Not so good.” said Mrs. Cake. She looked at the table and called to the back, “Carrot? We need more cake!”

Mr. Cake rushed out of the kitchen with a cake on his back. He carefully set it down on the table before looking at Mrs. Cake. “Hey, hon? Do you think I could help customers for a change rather than staying in the back.”

Mrs. Cake laughed. “Oh, honey. You know what they say! A stallion’s place is in the kitchen.”

“Oh…ok.” said Mr. Cake morosely. “I’m going to just start making a back-up cake.” He sighed. “Again…”

“What’s going on?” asked Twilight. She looked around the table of desserts and her eyes widened. There were bite marks on almost all of the food. “Why does everything look half-eaten?”

A pink blur dove onto the cake Mr. Cake just brought out. In a horrifying display, the blur devoured that cake, splattering frosting everywhere. When it all was over, Pinkie Pie laid on the table and burped.

“Excuse me.” she giggled.

“Pinkie…” began Twilight. “…Why? Just…just why?”

“I’m the Royal Poison Checker!” said Pinkie happily as she licked frosting off her hooves. “I’m making sure that all these tasty treats are safe for the Princess to eat!”

“B-but…you just ate a whole cake!” said Twilight, pointing to the dessert debris.

“And I can safely say that it did not have poison in it!” said Pinkie. She smiled. “I’m good at this, huh?”

As Twilight was debating to either scold Pinkie or blast her with magic, an excited voice yelled, “Twilight! Pinkie! You’re never going to believe what I found!” The two ponies turned to see Fluttershy run into the store, a happy grin on her face.

“What did you find?” asked Pinkie, chewing on some donuts she took from a nearby plate.

“This!” said Fluttershy. She dug through her mane and pulled out the bug. It chirped happily and batted its big eyes.

Pinkie dropped her donut. “Oh goddamn it.” she muttered. “We’re at this episode, aren’t we?”

Twilight ignored Pinkie and went forward to examine the bug. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” she said as she poked the bug, who let out another happy chirp. “What is it?”

“I don’t know.” said Fluttershy. “I was hoping that you knew.” Just then, two more bugs flew out of Fluttershy’s mane. “I swear I only picked up one.”

“Well,” said Twilight, “I’ll take one from you.” She grabbed the one flying closest to her, a yellow one, and held it to her chest. “It’s so cute! It reminds me of Spike, back in the good old days when he didn’t talk back.”

Fluttershy smiled and turned to Pinkie. “Do you want one, Pinkie?”

Pinkie looked at the bug that was flying close to her donuts. She growled and punched it, sending it flying out the window. “There is no way in hell that I want a Parasprite.” She stomped to the door, ignoring the other two ponies’ shocked looks. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a goddamn trombone.”

“A trombone?” asked Twilight. “Pinkie, what’re you-”

“Look, Twilight.” interrupted Pinkie. “I know you have a lot of questions, but I need you to trust me on this. I have a lot of instruments to get and not a whole lot of time to get them.”

Mrs. Cake held out the plate of donuts. “Do you want the rest of these for the road, dear?” she asked.

Pinkie stared at her. “Mrs. Cake. Sometimes there are more important things than donuts.” And with that, she strode out of Sugarcube Corner.

Mrs. Cake, Twilight, and Fluttershy’s jaws dropped open. The plate slid out of Mrs. Cake’s hooves and shattered on the floor, sending donuts everywhere.

“D-did that just happen?” asked Fluttershy. “Did Pinkie just turn down dessert?”

“I…guess so?” said a stunned Twilight. “I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. In the meantime,” She gazed at her Parasprite, “I’m going to go show this thing off!”

Meanwhile:

Rarity stuck a pin in the outfit in front of her. “Ugly, garish, and not at all stylish.” she muttered. “Good thing my outfit makes you look better, Rainbow.”

Rainbow Dash winced as she pulled the pin out of her leg. She was wearing a large powdered wig, a red suit, and gold shoes. “Rarity, I look ridiculous. There is not a chance in fuck that I’m wearing this stupid thing to meet the Princess.”

“I know it doesn’t look like much,” said Rarity as she stuck another pin into Rainbow Dash’s side, “But trust me. This is what all the aristocrats are wearing these days.”

“Um, no.” said Twilight, as she walked into Rarity’s boutique. “Rarity, I’ve lived in Canterlot for most of my life and I can tell you that nobody wears that. Or anything even remotely like it.”

“Told you.” said Rainbow Dash, pulling the pin out of her side.

“Yes, well…” began Rarity. “I just want to make sure everyone looks nice to meet the Princess. Is that so wrong?!” She stuck a pin onto Rainbow’s flank.

“Would you stop that?!” yelled Rainbow as she ripped the pin out.

There was a chirping sound from Twilight’s tail. Her Parasprite popped out, along with two more.

“What are those little things?” asked Rarity. She stuck five pins into Rainbow Dash’s side. “They’re positively adorable!”

“According to Pinkie, they’re called Parasprites.” said Twilight. “Fluttershy found them by the forest.” She frowned as she looked at the two new bugs. “But I only had one a minute ago. I don’t know where these other ones came from.”

“Aw, who cares?” asked Rainbow, ignoring the pins in her side. “This little guys look badass.” She grabbed one from Twilight.

“I’ll take one as well.” said Rarity. “They’re adorable!”

“Adorably evil!” said a voice. The three ponies looked to the entrance, where Pinkie was standing and glaring at the bugs. “Now, I’ll only ask this one time. Does anyone know where I can find an accordion around here?”

Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash blinked and were silent for a moment. Then they went back to cooing over the Parasprites.

One of the Parasprites flew over to Pinkie. Its eyes turned red and it bared its fangs, growling menacingly.

“Do you think you scare me, buster?” asked Pinkie. She glared and leaned in close to the snarling Parasprite. “Take a note for you and your little friends. I know what you are, what you're capable of, and how to stop you. Your days are numbered.”

PreviousChapters Next