• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Operation: Rarity Rescue

Twilight ran into the wasteland with Spike on her back and the others following her close behind.

“Is this the spot, Spike?” asked Twilight as they slowed to a stop.

“Y-yeah…I think so?” said Spike as he hopped off Twilight’s back. He looked around and said, “Look, there’s the wagon! This is the right spot!”

Twilight frowned as Spike ran off to the gem-laden wagon.

“Somethin’ on your mind, sugarcube?” asked Applejack.

“This doesn’t make sense…” said Twilight. “In all the books I’ve read, Diamond Dogs love gems. Why would they leave the wagon behind?”

“Maybe they just wanted to get out of here before Spike brought help back with him?” guessed Pinkie.

Twilight stared at Pinkie. “That…actually makes sense.”

“Cents?” asked Pinkie. “Nah, I hate change.”

“And we’re back,” said Twilight with a sigh. She shook her head and turned to the others. “Ok, spread out. All we need to do is find the hole the Diamond Dogs took Rarity into. It’ll be easy.”

“Um…are you sure?” asked Fluttershy, pointing.

Twilight looked to where Fluttershy was pointing and her jaw dropped. Instead of one hole in the ground, there were hundreds.

“They must have done this to throw off intruders,” said Twilight. “We’ll just have to search and hope for the best.”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth.

“And if you say anything about how putting your face near holes is typical for you, you can just go home!” interrupted Twilight.

“…Spoilsport…” mumbled Rainbow.

Everyone spread out to a different hole and peered inside.

Twilight squinted her eyes and tried to see through the darkness of the hole. “Hello?” she called. A second later she choked as a mountain of dirt hit her in the face. She moved her head away from the hole, coughing and tearing up as the dirt filled her mouth and blinded her. From the way the others were coughing, she guessed that the same thing had happened to them.

Once Twilight had blinked the dirt out of her eyes, she looked around. All the holes had been filled with dirt, making it impossible to get into them.

“Well shit,” cursed Twilight. “Now what do we do?”

“Beats me,” began Rainbow Dash, “But how do you think Rarity’s handling all this dirt?”

“Well…” began Twilight, “Considering how she reacted to the library last week…”

Last Week:

Rarity frowned as she looked at the empty bookshelf. She used her magic to lift a rag and drag it across the shelf. She looked at the rag and frowned.

“What’s wrong, Rarity?” asked Twilight.

Rarity swung around and glared at Twilight. “Look at this!” she yelled. She shoved the slightly dusty rag in Twilight’s face. “You call this clean?”

“I don’t-” began Twilight.

Rarity picked up a book entitled, Good Manners, Good Ponies, and slapped Twilight across the face with it. “YOU FOOL!” she screeched.

Now:

Twilight shuddered. “She’s probably not handling it well. Between that and the Diamond Dogs, she could be in real trouble.”

“Tell me about it,” said Applejack. “Rarity’s not the bravest pony I know. Why, just the other day…”

Just the other day:

There was a loud shriek coming from Carousel Boutique.

“Oh, Applejack,” said Rarity dramatically, “It’s horrible! It’s the most disgusting monstrosity I’ve ever seen!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow at Rarity. “It was just a tiny little spider, Rarity. It can’t hurt ya even if it wanted to.”

Rarity huffed and looked at her dresser. She let out a loud scream and wrapped her hooves around Applejack’s neck. “There it is! KillitkillitkillitKILLIT!”

Now:

Applejack rubbed her neck and winced. “Ah think Ah still have the bruises…”

Rainbow Dash kicked a mound of dirt, “So what are we supposed to do? Those dogs will just keep filling the holes if we try to go in them.”

Spike sighed and looked around. He stared at an unfilled hole for a second before his eyes widened. “Hang on!” he said, running back to the wagon. “I have an idea!”

“That’s my boy!” said Twilight proudly as she watched him go. “I can’t believe you came up with an idea to…to…” She squinted her eyes. “Are you eating gems?”

Spike froze, an emerald half out of his mouth. “…No?” he mumbled. He quickly spat the emerald out. “Don’t worry, I have another idea!” He grabbed the sapphire Rarity was going to give him and ran back to the others. “Does anyone have a fishing rod I can borrow?”

“Here you go!” said Pinkie, pulling a fishing rod out from behind her back.

Everyone stared at her.

“Why do you have that?” asked Twilight.

Pinkie chuckled and patted Twilight’s head affectionately. “Oh Twilight, that answer is so obvious, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.”

Spike grabbed the fishing rod from Pinkie and tied the sapphire to the line. He slowly lowered the gem into the hole and sat back against a mound of dirt, waiting for a bite.

“So…you’re going to lure a Diamond Dog with that gem?” asked Twilight. “How do you know how to fish, anyway?”

“Please,” said Spike, rolling his eyes. “With all the fishing trips your dad made me and Shining go on? He’d be ashamed if I didn’t know how to fish.”

“Man, this reminds me of my first time fishing,” said Rainbow, sitting down next to Spike. “I caught a fish this big!” She stretched her arms out wide.

“No,” said Fluttershy, frowning. “You caught the class’s pet goldfish during math. You were bragging to Gilda about it and I overheard.”

“Oh yeah…” muttered Rainbow. “You got really mad at us for it too.”

“It is the reason why I started bullying you guys in particular,” said Fluttershy. “But it’s ok now. I’ve forgiven you for it and moved on with my life.”

“Fluttershy?” wheezed Rainbow as Fluttershy’s hooves pressed down on her throat. “Please stop choking me.”

As Fluttershy apologized to Rainbow, Spike’s mind began to wander…

Inside Spike’s Imagination:

There was a loud stomping sound echoing throughout the underground caves. Fido looked around, his eyes wide with panic.

“Dr. Rover!” he yelled. “The enemy is here! What should we do?”

Rover, dressed in a top hat and a black cape, stroked his thin, curly mustache. “You must stop him, Canine Commander! We can’t let him get to the prisoner!” At this, he gestured towards Rarity, who was dressed in a pink dress and had a crown on her head.

“You fiends!” she yelled, struggling against the ropes that bound her to a small section of train track. “My hero will save me!” She paused. “By the way, why am I tied to a train track when we’re in an underground cave?”

“Bitch, don’t question my methods!” yelled Rover.

The door flew off its hinges as it was kicked open. A tall, muscular figure wearing a red cape strode confidently into the room. The figure dropped an unconscious Spot, who was dressed in a black ninja outfit, to the floor.

“Ninja Spot!” yelled Rover in horror. “You will pay for that, you god-like figure you!”

Spike, his muscles bulging, pointed a giant lance at Rover and said, “Unhand Lady Rarity, you monster!”

“Never!” yelled Rover. “Commander Canine, attack!”

Fido dove at Spike, who simply laughed. He puffed out his chest and made his pecs bounce up and down. Fido hit Spike’s pecs and bounced off, smacking into the cave wall.

“Those were some massive pecs…” wheezed Fido before he passed out.

“Damn!” cursed Rover. He grabbed a nearby dog whistle and blew it. “Hounds! Intruder!”

Dozens of huge, armor-plated dogs dropped out of the tunnels and piled onto Spike. The dragon soon disappeared from sight.

“Ha!” laughed Rover. He turned towards the immobile Rarity. “It looks like your hero has-”

Someone cleared their throat. Rover looked around and his eyes grew wide with shock.

Spike glared at Rover. All around him were the unconscious forms of the armor-plated Diamond Dogs. “As I was saying,” said Spike, striding forward, “Let Lady Rarity go.”

Rover snarled and charged Spike, who yawned unconcernedly. He held out his hand, pressing against the dog’s forehead and stopping him in his tracks. Spike grabbed Rover’s top hat and brought it down over the dog’s head. Rover cursed and attempted to swing wildly at Spike, but the heroic dragon simply sidestepped him. Rover, unaware that his target had moved, moved forward with his assault, but tripped over the fallen form of Spot. Rover fell and smacked his head against the floor, making him pass out.

Spike scoffed at the unconscious foes before making his way to Rarity. He smiled at her and used his claws to cut the ropes binding her and the dress she was wearing.

As Spike helped Rarity up, she blushed and said, “Sir Spike! You seem to have ruined my dress…I-I’m not wearing a thing.”

Spike smiled at Rarity and said, “Don’t worry, Lady Rarity. You look better without anything on.”

Rarity blushed and giggled. “Oh, Sir Spike…”

“Oh,” said Spike, “Lady Rarity…”

“Oh, Sir Spike…”

“Oh, Lady Rarity!”

Rarity grabbed Spike by the shoulders. “Kiss me, you fool!” she said, puckering her lips.

Spike smiled and pressed his lips against hers. It was everything he dreamed about. Her soft lips, her excited gasps, her sweet apple taste…

Wait…apples?

Back to life, back to reality:

Spike opened his eyes and found a pair of wide green eyes staring at him. Panicked, Spike quickly broke the kiss. “A-Applejack, I’m so sorry!” he said quickly.

Applejack blinked. Her face grew red as she awkwardly cleared her throat. “Um…I-it’s no problem, Sugar. Cube. Sugarcube.”

“I swear I didn’t mean to kiss you,” explained Spike. “N-not that it was a bad kiss or anything…I mean…you’re a nice kisser…”

Applejack blushed harder. “Y-you…uh…you’re not so bad yourself, hon…”

They heard giggling behind them and turned around. Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie were all watching them with grins on their faces. Pinkie had a camera in her hooves.

“I knew it was a good idea to bring my camera along,” said Pinkie.

Spike and Applejack’s faces turned bright red and they both started to stammer out excuses. Suddenly, the line on the fishing rod became taut. Spike had to quickly grip the rod so it didn’t fly out of his hands.

“I’ve got something!” he yelled. He tried pulling back, but he found himself getting dragged closer and closer to the hole.

“Ah’ve got you, stud! SPIKE! AH MEANT SPIKE!” yelled Applejack as she ran forward. She grabbed Spike’s tail and attempted to hold on, but she started getting dragged as well.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all ran forward to help. Each of them grabbed the tail of the pony in front of them, but found that even their combined strength wasn’t enough. All six of them were pulled into the hole and disappeared from sight.

Pinkie put her camera around her neck, shrugged, and cannon-balled into the hole. “Whee!” she yelled as she followed her friends into the darkness.

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