• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Taking a Stand (And Ruining Its Business)

The school bell finally rang and Apple Bloom couldn’t be more relieved. Cheerilee had, perhaps to make up for not doing anything against Diamond Tiara, let Twist off from her detention so Apple Bloom could walk home with her.

Diamond Tiara had been relentless all day. She had spent the day mocking Apple Bloom, sending her notes that said “Blank Flank” on them, and had clicked her pen over and over again during class. The last one wasn’t that bad, Apple Bloom reasoned, but it was still annoying to listen to.

Apple Bloom sighed as she walked down the road with Twist. “Well…” she said, “Today sucked.”

“You know what else sucks?” said Twist. She reached into her bag and pulled out some peppermints. “You when you try my homemade candy.”

Apple Bloom stared at Twist. “Applejack always said not to take candy from strange ponies.”

“But it’s from me!” said Twist.

“Uh-huh…” replied Apple Bloom, slowly backing away.

“I don’t know why we had to sit through a lecture about Cutie Marks!” said a voice from behind them.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” muttered Apple Bloom. She turned around and saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking towards them.

“I mean,” said Diamond loudly, “It’s not like we don’t have our Cutie Marks! Can you imagine, Silver? Not having our Cutie Marks? I think I would just kill myself, wouldn’t you?”

“But Diamond, we…” began Silver Spoon. She was silenced by Diamond’s glare. “I mean, yes! That would be a waste of an existence!”

Twist rolled her eyes. “Oh please. You two didn’t have your Cutie Marks last week.”

“That’s true,” admitted Diamond, “But the point, Napoleon Dynamite, is that we have them now. Unlike you and Apple Blank.”

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. “Apple Blank? That’s the best you’ve got? Really?”

“SHUT UP, I’M HIGHLY ORIGINAL!” screamed Diamond Tiara, her eye twitching wildly. She cleared her throat and continued, “But don’t worry. You two are still invited to my Cute-Ceañera this weekend.”

“You’re a Hispanic fifteen-year-old?” asked Twist.

“What?” asked Diamond Tiara. “No! A Cute-Ceañera is a celebration when a pony gets their Cutie Mark!”

“Ah thought that was called a Bar Mark-zvah?” asked Apple Bloom.

“It is a Cute-Ceañera,” growled Diamond Tiara. “You know what, why am I wasting time with you? Let’s go, Silver.” The two ponies turned and walked back the way they came.

“Wait!” called Apple Bloom. “You live in the opposite direction? What, did you walk all this way just to make fun of us?”

“Wha-NO!” denied Diamond Tiara. “I mean, what? Do you think I need to pick on other ponies because it fills the void in my life? Do you think making fun of you makes me feel better about my own insecurities because I can laugh at everyone else instead of crying about my faults?”

“Well…no…?” said Apple Bloom hesitantly. “Not until now, anyway…”

“I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOU!” screamed Diamond. She and Silver Spoon ran away, leaving Apple Bloom and Twist alone.

“You know something feels weird about those two…” muttered Twist.

“Ya think?” asked Apple Bloom sarcastically.

“No, no. I meant about their Cutie Marks.” Twist sighed. “I guess it’s not important.” She turned to Apple Bloom and asked, “What are you going to do?”

Apple Bloom thought for a moment. “Ah think Ah need some advice. Ah need to talk to someone smart and confident. Someone with tons of life experience and is willing to share it.”

“ME!” yelled a voice. Rainbow Dash landed right in front of the two fillies. “Don’t worry girls! I’m here to-”

“Um…actually, Rainbow Dash?” interrupted Apple Bloom. “Ah think Ah’m just gonna talk to mah sister.”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes at Apple Bloom. “You’ll be back. They all come back.” She slowly flew back into the air and disappeared into the trees.

“…Ah’m going to pretend like that never happened,” said Apple Bloom. She said goodbye to Twist and walked back home.

She found Applejack harvesting apples. “Applejack?” she asked. Suddenly, Apple Bloom found herself pinned to a tree, Applejack’s arm pushing into her throat.

“Back again, huh?” asked Applejack, wielding an apple threateningly. “Ah knew Ah hadn’t seen the last of ya, but to attack me in mah own home…” She glared at Apple Bloom. “Ya got a lot of guts, Ah’ll admit that. Now let’s see what they look like out in the open…” She raised the apple menacingly.

“Applejack! It’s me! Apple Bloom!” the filly choked out.

“Oh,” said Applejack. She released her sister and dropped the apple. “Why didn’t ya just say so?”

Apple Bloom coughed and rubbed her throat. “Ah need to talk to you,” she said when she finally got her voice back.

“Ah figured this was comin’ sooner or later,” said Applejack. “Ya see, when two ponies love each other very much-”

“Not that talk!” said Apple Bloom quickly. “Ah want to talk to you about mah Cutie Mark.”

“Oh!” said Applejack. She looked at her sister’s flank. “Ya don’t have one.”

Apple Bloom sighed. “Ah know Ah don’t have one. What can Ah do to get one?”

“Everyone gets theirs eventually,” said Applejack as she tossed apples into a basket.

“Really?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Well, almost everyone…” said Applejack thoughtfully. “Ah heard this story about a pony in Manehattan who never got his Cutie Mark. The city thought he was a freak of nature and chased him out of town. He eventually died out in the wilderness, scared and alone.”

“…What. The. Fuck?” asked Apple Bloom.

Applejack sighed, “God, you kids nowadays wouldn’t know a joke if it bit you on the ass. And left a mark. A Cutie Mark.” She looked towards Apple Bloom expectantly.

“…Was that another joke?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Goddammit Apple Bloom,” muttered Applejack.

“Stop with the jokes!” said Apple Bloom. “Ah need a Cutie Mark for Diamond Tiara’s Cute-Ceañera party!”

“Ah thought those were called Bar Mark-zvahs?” asked Applejack.

“Who cares?!” shouted Apple Bloom. “Ah need yer help!”

“Look,” said Applejack, turning to face her sister, “Ah know what yer goin’ through. Ah was the last pony in mah class to get a Cutie Mark, but it was all worth it.” She pointed to her flank, where three apples were proudly displayed. “Ah knew mah future was to run Sweet Apple Acres, and, once Ah got these, it proved it.” She moved so her rear was in Apple Bloom’s face. “Touch ‘em.”

“Um…” began Apple Bloom, trying not to look at her sister’s butt. “Ah’d rather not.”

“Come on, what are ya so afraid of?” asked Applejack, wiggling her rear. “Give ‘em a poke. A smack. Lick ‘em for all Ah care.”

Rainbow Dash poked her head out of the trees and watched the scene with interest.

“Look,” said Apple Bloom, moving away from Applejack’s ass, “Can’t Ah just go with you today and help you run the stand at the market?”

Applejack glared at her little sister. “Remember the last time you came with me to run the stand?”

Two Months Ago:

Zombie ponies shuffled down the street, biting anyone foolish enough to get in their path.

Applejack turned towards Apple Bloom, who sheepishly said, “Whoops.”

A zombie groaned and lurched forward, sinking its teeth into Applejack’s neck.

Now:

“Yer lucky Twilight came up with a cure for zombification in time!” said Applejack.

“Ah know, Ah know!” said Apple Bloom. “Look, Ah promise not to raise the dead, ok? Can you please take me with you?”

Applejack sighed. “Fine. But you better not raise the dead, or Ah’ll…” Applejack froze. She stuck her arms out and moaned, “Brains…braaaaaaaaains…”

Apple Bloom screamed and ran away.

Applejack lowered her arms and sighed. “That girl just doesn’t have a sense of humor.”

Later:

Ponyville’s market was a crowded place. Ponies came to pick up items, sell items, and sell their families to the black market.

The Apple Family stand was set up in the middle of all this chaos, and Applejack was yelling at ponies left and right.

“Get yer delicious, nutritious apples here! Please don’t go to our currently unguarded farm and just take them for free!” She pointed at Apple Bloom and said, “And if you buy now, we’ll give you a chance to win fabulous prizes! Shoot the apple off mah assistant’s head and we’ll give you three apples for the price of three apples!”

“Applejack?” asked Apple Bloom in a shaky voice. A green apple was resting on her head and she was standing in front of a bull’s-eye. “How is this gonna help me get mah Cutie Mark?”

“Ah don’t know about that,” admitted Applejack, “But look at how many apples we’re selling!” She pointed to a long line of ponies. “Seems like a lot of people want to take a shot at ya! Ah’ll kill two birds with one arrow!”

“What was that?” asked Apple Bloom as an arrow embedded itself into the target behind her.

“Stone! Ah meant stone.” Applejack turned back to the crowd and handed a blue Pegasus filly a bow and arrow. “Here you go, Blue Scootaloo!”

“My name is Archer!” said Blue Scootaloo indignantly. She walked forward and aimed at Apple Bloom. Blue Scootaloo pulled on a green hood and said, “Apple Bloom! You have failed this city!”

Apple Bloom saw a passing stallion and ran after him. The recently-released arrow struck the spot where she had been standing.

“Goddammit!” said Blue Scootaloo.

“Excuse me, sir?” Apple Bloom said. The stallion turned around, adjusting his fez. “Would you like to buy some apples?”

The stallion raised an eyebrow. “Sorry, I’m not crazy about apples. Do you have fish fingers and custard?”

“Um…no?” said Apple Bloom.

“Then no.” said the stallion. He turned to his companion, a mare with a red-mane. “Come along, Pond.” The two walked away.

“Damn it!” said Apple Bloom.

“Apple Bloom!” said Applejack running up to her. “You’re supposed to be mah target! I mean, assistant!”

“Don’t worry!” said Apple Bloom. “Ah’ll help the next customer!” She spotted Berry Punch looking at the apples. “Hey! These apples go great with Crystal Skull vodka!”

“Ha!” said Berry Punch. “I wouldn’t drink that even if Ghostbusters was getting another sequel!”

“Um…” began Apple Bloom, “It is getting another sequel.”

“Whatever,” said Berry Punch darkly, “Bill Murray’s not getting my money.”

“Don’t you mean Dan Aykroyd?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Potato potahto,” said Berry Punch. “Which, ironically, brings us back to vodka.”

“I’m not sure if this is irony or not…” said Apple Bloom.

Berry Punch sighed and took a drink from a flask. “You damn kids…” she muttered as she walked away.

“Apple Bloom!” yelled Applejack. “What did I tell you about bringing up Ghostbusters? You know Walter Peck is a town hero!”

Apple Bloom wasn’t paying attention, as she was too busy putting apples in a pony’s bag. “That will be four bits please,” she said, holding out a hoof.

Bon Bon looked at the apples in her bag and glared at Apple Bloom. “I didn’t put those in my bag!” she argued in an odd voice.

“W-what’s the matter with your voice?” asked Apple Bloom.

Bon Bon’s eyes welled with tears and she started to cry. Loudly. “I broke up with Lyra and she used her magic to mess with my voice!”

“Oh…um…sorry?” said Apple Bloom. “Maybe you could talk with her and see if she’ll take the spell off. You could use those apples as a gift.”

Bon Bon brightened. “Really? You think that will work?”

“Ah know it!” said Apple Bloom. “You can even take them for free!”

“WHAT?!” yelled Applejack.

“Thank you so much!” said Bon Bon. She turned and ran in the opposite direction.

Apple Bloom happily walked back to Applejack, not noticing the death glare her sister was giving her. “Did Ah do good?” she asked excitedly.

Applejack grabbed Apple Bloom, turned her around, and kicked her. As Apple Bloom sailed through the air, Applejack hollered after her, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

Apple Bloom landed in front of Twist’s house. The bespectacled filly looked out of her door and asked, “Um…are you ok?”

With her face in the dirt, Apple Bloom’s response was slightly muffled. “Do Ah have a Cutie Mark?”

Twist looked. “Does a footprint count as a Cutie Mark?”

“No.”

“Then no,” said Twist. “Oh, but speaking of Cutie Marks, look at this!” Twist opened the door, revealing two candy canes on her flank. “I just got mine like, two seconds ago! Isn’t that great?”

Apple Bloom stared at the mark in horror. “You’re dead to me!” she sobbed, tears falling from her eyes. She turned and ran, screaming, “You’re dead to me!”

Twist watched as Apple Bloom ran away. “Does that mean you like it?” she called after her.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon ran out of Twist’s house, pointing and laughing at Apple Bloom. “Ha!” laughed Diamond Tiara. “She’s gonna be the only one at my party without a Cutie Mark! Isn’t that sad, Silver?”

“Unbelievably sad!” agreed Silver Spoon. “Right, Twist?”

Twist stared at the two. “How long have you two been in my house?”

“Since yesterday,” answered Diamond. “Why do you ask?”

Twist simply stared at her.

“I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?!” screamed Diamond.

Silver Spoon nervously laughed and said, “Of course you don’t…” She leaned in close to Twist and whispered, “Whatever you do, for the love of God, don’t look her in the eyes.”

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