Pinkie Pulverizes Peace
“Trust me guys,” said Pinkie as she rummaged through a chest full of costumes, “This will totally work!”
“Let me get this straight…” said Twilight. “Your plan is to sing a song about sharing and caring to the settler ponies and the buffalo in order for them to compromise?”
“Yep!” said Pinkie.
“And you’ve invited both groups to town in order to sing said song to them?” asked Rarity.
“Uh-huh!” replied Pinkie, pulling a clown wig out of the chest and tossing it behind her.
“Well that’s stupid,” said Rainbow Dash. “You won’t even have any music!”
“That’s where I come in!” said Spike, who was wearing a bowler hat. He looked at Pinkie and said, “The piano’s all set up, Pinkie.”
“Piano?” asked Twilight. “When did you learn how to play a piano?”
“Don’t you remember?” asked Spike.
Years ago:
Twilight was laying on her bed, flipping through her newest book. “This is what those high-school kids were complaining about?” she scoffed. “Calculus is easy.” She turned and smiled at the small baby dragon that was sitting on the floor. “I think I should move on to something more challenging. What do you think, Spike?”
Spike grabbed one of his blocks and started hitting it against another. “Bababa…” he gibbered.
Twilight sighed. “You’re cute, Spike, but you’re not one for stimulating conversation, are you?”
“Twilight!” called a voice. “It’s time for your piano lessons!”
The filly groaned and shut the textbook. “I hate piano lessons…” she muttered. “If only someone else could…” She looked at Spike and her eyes widened. She pointed her horn at Spike and used her magic. A wig that looked identical to Twilight’s mane appeared in the air above Spike, before falling and landing on his head. Twilight quickly got up and crawled under her bed.
“Twilight!” called the voice again. Twilight’s father, Night Light, walked into the room. He spotted Spike wearing the wig. “There you are! Come on, time for your lesson.” Night Light’s horn glowed and Spike was lifted into the air. Night Light walked out of the bedroom, taking Spike with him.
Back in the present:
“Oh yeah,” said Twilight. She began laughing, “To think I was ever interested in an easy subject like calculus!”
“Yep,” said Spike, casually walking over to Rarity, “Back in Canterlot, they call me Spike “Magic Fingers” Dragon.”
“Really?” asked Rarity.
“Well…” said Spike slowly, “Most of the time it’s “That Little Lizard Bastard”, but I feel like they mean the same thing, you know?”
“Hey!” said Pinkie. “The show’s about to start!” She walked over to the others and began pushing them off the stage. “You guys better get a good seat!”
Fluttershy walked to the edge of the stage and looked out. “Wow, there’s a lot of buffalo out there.”
“Oh yeah?” asked Rainbow. She walked over and looked. “Oh yeah…even the Chief’s here. And Little Strongheart. Man…she’s really into the conversation she’s having with Braeburn…”
“What?” asked the other girls.
“Yeah…” said Rainbow. “Braeburn’s chatting with Little Strongheart.”
“We’ve got to get out there before she steals him away!” said Rarity. She, Fluttershy, and Twilight ran out into the crowd. Rainbow Dash shrugged and followed them at a slower pace.
Pinkie frowned. “Hmm…” she said. “Spike…I think we should change the act a bit…”
“Really?” asked Spike. “How?”
Pinkie smiled deviously and went back to the chest of costumes.
Meanwhile, the other girls ran to the front of the stage, where Braeburn and Strongheart were. Before they could get to them, Applejack stepped in front of them, directly in the girl’s path.
“Applejack?” said Rarity. She attempted to move past the earth pony, but Applejack moved so she was blocking her again. “What are you doing?”
“Stoppin’ ya’ll from droolin’ over mah cousin,” said Applejack fiercely. “He wants to spend time with Miss Strongheart, and Ah ain’t lettin’ ya ruin that.”
“Good idea,” said Rainbow Dash, squeezing in-between Applejack and the others. “Besides, we have more important things to worry about than Applejack’s cousin.”
“Um…thank you, Rainbow,” said a confused Applejack. “Ah’m surprised that you’re not after him too, to be honest.”
“Well, I-”
Rainbow was cut off as Spike walked out from behind the curtain. He looked nervously at the crowd and sighed as he made his way over to the piano on the stage.
Chief Thunderhooves watched as Spike sat down and said, “What is this? I thought we were invited to discuss what to do about the trees.”
“Those trees are stayin’ right where they are, buffalo,” said a voice.
Thunderhooves looked to his side and saw a pony with thick mustache and a silver sheriff’s badge pinned to his vest. “Sheriff Silverstar, I’ve told you again and again that that land belongs to my people.”
Silverstar peered out at the Chief from underneath his black cowboy hat. “And Ah’ve told you again and again that we need that land to survive out here.” He looked at Spike disdainfully. “And no silly song and dance is gonna change anything.”
“Perhaps we should give the pink one a chance,” said Thunderhooves. “It’d be more than you gave my tribe.”
Silverstar’s eyes narrowed. “You wanna repeat that?”
Before Thunderhooves could answer, Spike began playing the piano. The stage’s curtain opened revealing Pinkie, who was dressed in a purple dress. She cleared her throat and began to sing.
“Dearest friends, dear gentlemen,
Listen to my song.
Life out here’s been hard for you,
Life has made you strong.
Let me lift the mood,
With my attitude…”
“This song seems familiar…” said Applejack.
“I know, I love Ratatouille,” said Rainbow Dash as Pinkie continued singing.
“Hey fellas,
The time is right!
Get ready!
Tonight’s the night!
Boys, what you’re hoping for will come true,
Let me be good to you!”
Pinkie pointed at Braeburn, who wasn’t paying attention. He was staring into Little Strongheart’s eyes and saying, “…We’ve built a lot for this town this past year. Ah could show ya around if you’d like.”
“I’d love to,” said Strongheart.
Pinkie frowned, but continued singing.
“You tough guys,
You’re feelin’ all alone.
You rough guys,
The best of you cowboys and bums,
All of my chums.”
“I don’t get it,” said Thunderhooves. “Are we the bums?”
“Obviously,” muttered Silverstar.
“So dream on,
And drink your beer,
Get cozy,
Your baby’s here!
You won’t be misunderstood,
Let me be good to you!”
Pinkie grabbed her dress and pulled it off, revealing that she was wearing a black leotard underneath. The stallions in the crowd began cheering, while the buffalos looked confused.
“Why are you all getting excited?” asked a buffalo. “You don’t wear clothes, anyway.”
“You’ll never understand,” said the stallion next to him. “It’s a pony thing.”
Pinkie threw the dress at Braeburn, which hit him in the face and slid down to the ground. Braeburn didn’t even blink, as he was too absorbed in his conversation with Strongheart.
“After you show me your town,” said Strongheart, “Perhaps I could take you back to our camp?”
“Sounds great,” replied Braeburn, smiling.
Pinkie growled and took off one of the heels she was wearing. “Braeburn!” she yelled, throwing the shoe at the oblivious stallion. “Braeburn!”
Thunderhooves watched the display with a frown on his face. “Is the song over?”
“If there’s a God in heaven, Ah hope so,” said Sheriff Silverstar, looking disdainfully at the cheering stallions around him.
“Good,” said Thunderhooves. “Then perhaps we can discuss the removal of your apple trees.”
“Ain’t nothin’ to discuss,” replied Silverstar. “The trees stay and you stampede somewhere else.”
Chief Thunderhooves sighed. “I can see that talking isn’t getting us anywhere.” He looked the Sheriff dead in the face. “If you do not agree to our terms, than I will be forced to take action against this town.”
“What kind of action?” asked the sheriff, his eyes narrowed.
“War,” said Thunderhooves simply. “I don’t want to spill innocent blood, but I have my people to think about.”
“And Ah have mine,” replied Silverstar, frowning. “War it is.”
Thunderhooves stared at the sheriff, and then sighed. “Our stampede will begin at high noon tomorrow. If that orchard is still there, we will flatten it…and your town.”
Silverstar didn’t blink at the chief’s threat. “If you attack this town, we’ll won’t back down. We’ll fight to our last man. We will die with this town, if we have to.”
The chief nodded sadly. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, Sheriff.” He looked over at Strongheart and said, “Come. We must prepare for battle.”
Strongheart sighed and said, “Yes, Father…” With one last, regretful look at Braeburn, she followed her father and her tribe back to their camp.
“Appaloosians!” yelled Silverstar. “We need to split into groups. One group will work on fortifying the town. The other group will focus on creating weapons for tomorrow. Let’s get to work!”
Most of the ponies in the audience left, leaving Braeburn, the girls, and Spike alone by the stage.
“Ah gotta go talk some sense into the sheriff,” said Braeburn.
“Ah’ll go with ya,” said Applejack. She and Braeburn headed off towards the middle of town.
“What just happened?” asked Pinkie.
Spike walked over to her and said, “You threw away your song about sharing and caring to sing some song from The Secret of NIMH so you could try to seduce Applejack’s cousin. Now everyone’s going to die.”
“Oh…” said Pinkie. She smiled sheepishly. “Oops?”
“Oops is right,” said Twilight. “Pinkie, you, Rainbow, and Spike know where the buffalo camp is. You three go to convince the chief to stop. The rest of us will stay here and try to calm things down.”
“Gotcha,” said Rainbow. She grabbed Pinkie and flew off into the desert.
“Hey!” yelled Spike, running after them. “Wait for me!”
Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy headed back into the town, where the Appaloosians were in an uproar. Windows were being nailed shut, supplies were being carted to and fro, and everyone was running around.
Applejack was standing by the railroad tracks, waiting for them. “Where are Pinkie, Spike, and Rainbow?” she asked as the three girls walked up to her.
“They’re going to try and talk to the buffalo,” said Fluttershy.
Applejack sighed, “Ah hope they have better luck than us.” She pointed to where Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar were talking.
“Sheriff, you need to listen!” said Braeburn. “We don’t have to go to war with the buffalo. We can find another way.”
The sheriff sighed. “Ah don’t have time for another way, Braeburn. Those buffalo will flatten Appaloosa if we’re not ready.”
“But…” began Braeburn.
“Look,” said Silverstar, turning around, “You’re a dreamer, Braeburn. Ah get it. It’s what Ah like about ya. Ah remember when Ah first met you. Ah thought to mahself, ‘Mah god, Ah want to put that boy in a cell, lock us both in, and throw away the key’.”
“Um…” said Braeburn slowly. “…Ok…?”
“But Ah didn’t act on it,” continued the sheriff. “No matter how much you look at me with those beautiful green eyes, mah duty to the town comes first. It’s the same here. I’d like to find a way make peace with the buffalo, but Ah gotta protect this town by preparing it for war. I’m sorry, son.”
The sheriff walked off, leaving a dejected Braeburn behind.
“Well, maybe when the buffalo see how well-armed the Appaloosians are, they’ll surrender?” suggested Rarity hopefully.
“They’re planning on throwing pies at the buffalo,” said Applejack.
“…My god, they are all going to fucking die,” said Rarity.
“Yep,” agreed Applejack.
Meanwhile:
At the buffalo camp, two buffalo charged into each other and headbutted each other.
“Wow!” said Pinkie as they separated. “Doesn’t that hurt?”
The two buffalo looked at each other and then back at Pinkie. “Excruciatingly,” they said in unison. The two of them fell over, unconscious.
A little ways away, another buffalo was heading towards a grindstone in order to sharpen his horns. He paused as he saw Spike using the stone to sharpen his claws.
Spike looked at the buffalo and said, “Wait your turn, I’m gonna be a minute.”
The buffalo grumbled and fell in line behind Spike.
In the middle of the camp, Rainbow Dash and Little Strongheart were sitting next to Chief Thunderhooves.
“I know you don’t want to do this,” said Rainbow Dash.
“What else can I do?” asked the chief. “They have taken our land and refuse to listen to reason.”
“But what good will going to war do?” asked Strongheart. “We need to find another way.”
Thunderhooves sighed. “It’s too late.” He stood up, but looked at Strongheart. “You must rest, daughter. We will need your strength for tomorrow.”
Strongheart looked at the ground and nodded. The chief sighed and walked away, leaving Strongheart and Rainbow Dash alone.
The next day, 11:58 A.M.:
The Appaloosians watched as the buffalo tribe stood on the ridge overlooking the town.
“Goddamn it,” muttered Rainbow Dash as she walked back into town. “We need to find a way to stop this from happening!”
“I could try singing again!” said Pinkie.
“NO!” yelled Spike and Rainbow Dash.
The three of them met up with the others, who were standing by the train tracks.
“Any luck?” asked Twilight.
“Just shitty,” said Rainbow. “The chief won’t even try to find another way.”
“Same here with the sheriff,” said Applejack. “Braeburn tried convincin’ him, but couldn’t.”
“Uh guys?” said Spike, pointing at the clock tower. They looked and saw that it was seconds away from noon. They were out of time.
The buffalo roared and charged down the hillside. The ponies grabbed the pie and prepared to throw it at the oncoming stampede.
“WAIT!” yelled Pinkie, running out into the area between the ponies and the buffalo.
“What?!” said Thunderhooves, stopping his charge. The rest of the buffalo skidded to a halt beside him.
“What the hell?” asked Silverstar, keeping a hold of the pie he was about to throw.
“Didn’t you guys hear?” said Pinkie. “It’s Daylight Savings! We need to set the clock back one hour!”
“I thought that ended last week?” said Braeburn.
“Nope!” said Pinkie, her eyes back and forth. “It is definitely today.”
“Huh…” said Thunderhooves. “Well…I did say we had to wait until high noon.” He sighed and turned around to address the tribe. “Ok guys, we’re going to wait for one hour. Then we’ll stampede the town.” He eyed Strongheart. “And if someone were to come up with another idea in that time, well…”
“That’s right,” said the Silverstar, looking at Braeburn. “If only someone would use this time to find a way to stop this war.”
“Good idea!” said Pinkie. She grabbed Little Strongheart and carried her into town. She dropped her at Braeburn’s side and then gestured for the others to come over.
“Good work, Pinkie!” said Applejack. “Ya bought us an hour to figure out what to do!”
“Yeah, but…” began Rainbow. She gestured to the waiting buffalo outside the town. “What can we do?”
Little Strongheart sighed. “This is stupid. It’s not like we need that much space. We just want enough room for our whole tribe to run.”
“And it’s not like we need that many trees,” added Braeburn. “We’ve already got more apples than we know what to do with. It’s why we’re so eager to throw pies at you.”
“This would be a lot easier if you could just make a path right in the middle of the orchard so the buffalo could run through it,” said Rainbow.
Braeburn and Little Strongheart stared at Rainbow, their jaws dropping.
“…Really?” asked Rainbow. “Nobody thought of that?”
Later:
The Appaloosians cut down several of their trees in the middle of the orchard, creating a path for the buffalo to stampede down.
“Good job, Rainbow,” said Twilight as she, Rainbow, Pinkie, Applejack, and Spike watched the buffalo stampede through the orchard. “You saved the day!”
“What about me?” asked Pinkie.
“Good job, Pinkie,” said Twilight. “You gave us time to fix the situation you made a hundred times worse!”
“Hooray!” cheered Pinkie.
Fluttershy and Rarity sobbed as they walked up to the others. Rarity threw herself on Spike, crying into his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” asked Applejack.
“W-w-we saw Braeburn and Little Strongheart...” cried Fluttershy.
“Kissing!” wailed Rarity. “Braeburn’s taken!” She sobbed and hugged Spike tighter.
“Oh no, what a shame…” said Spike insincerely as he patted Rarity’s back.
Rainbow rolled her eyes as Applejack looked at Pinkie. “Aren’t you upset?” she asked.
“Meh,” shrugged Pinkie. “You know what they say: If you cause a war trying to seduce a guy, he’s not worth it.”
“…No one has ever said that,” said Rainbow. She looked to see Twilight sobbing into a tissue. “How pathetic.”
“Why weren’t you after mah cousin?” asked Applejack.
Rainbow shrugged. “I could tell Strongheart was after him. And I have rules, you know. You don’t steal someone’s significant other. You wait until they’re comfortable enough with their relationship to invite you into a threesome.”
“…Was that why you were at Sugarcube Corner the other day?” asked Pinkie.
Before Rainbow Dash could answer, Braeburn walked over to them.
“Ah just want to thank you girls for helping us out,” he said with a smile. He looked at Applejack and said, “Strongheart wanted to thank you too. She even gave us Bloomberg back!”
“Great!” said Applejack. She looked out into the orchard. “So where are ya gonna plant mah baby?”
“Plant?” asked Braeburn. “We just need a tree to chop down into firewood! We can’t use one of ours.”
Applejack’s eyes widened in horror. Her lip quivered as tears came to her eyes. She threw herself to the ground and started sobbing with the others.
“Was it somethin’ Ah said?” asked Braeburn.
“Yes,” replied Spike, Pinkie, and Rainbow.
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Great chapter as always.
Perfect. Just perfect.
Here comes the tears...
Wow. So it's not just the mares that are after Braeburn.
Also... Rainbow Cake
6366016 Fantastic Mustache League.
Left me confused on some parts but it wasn't bad...
Typical Canterlot elitist.
holy shit Bloomberg can talk
Loved how you danced around the actual name of the movie. I remember watching Miss Kitty's scene in The Great Mouse Detective when I was six years old. ... That probably explains a lot about me now, come to think of it. Shit.
6366338 Oh my god, he ate Braeburn! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Yep. Now who wants to bet this will go horribly wrong?
Eloquent.
I can't believe that worked.
That's racist.
Oh no...
Same.
SHOTS FIRED!
Hm, wait a tick-tock, I think I remember this song...
You magnificent bastard that's from The Great Mouse Detective when Basil and Dawson are disguise din that pub, looking for Ratigan! I thought I was the only one who knew that movie!
Ouch.
Indeed.
You dense motherbucker.
Oh come on, it wasn't that bad.
Oh dear.
Oh boy.
OK then. Apparently even the guys want him.
Yep.
Then, why do it?
NO!
What?
Agreed.
Exactly.
Sad day when RAINBOW outsmarts a whole town and a whole tribe.
Oi...
Indeed.
Fair enough.
I know.
... And somehow, this makes RAINBOW, the most impulsive of the Mane 6, the smartest one. Good job, RD.
You monster.
Yes.
Erm, I hope the movie name was wrong in purpose. Because that was not from The Secret of NIMH, it was from the Great Mouse Detective.
6367858 You're right, you're right. It's not from Secret of NIMH. It's from Stuart Little.
Got to love that way of thinking!
Another good chapter!
And this... my friends... is why I think Rainbow Dash is the best pony in this story. Because it's not canon dash, it's FML Dash
6368695
-Casually wonders if it would be possible to do this irl-
6420639
So, everyone except for me, then? I would suggest committing seppuku first.
6367921 And here I thought it was from An American Tale... there are a lot of cartoons about mice.
Don't need "his"
6885249 Saw, slapped self, and fixed. Thank you.
6629450 OK but only if your father is a lazy good for nothing martial artist cursed to turn into a panda, you yourself are cursed to turn into a busty redhead, and your mother is obsessed with manliness. Also your girlfriend has to hate you and love your enemy who is cursed to turn into a pig
Rainbow is spitting here