Worst Aid
Angel flipped through the newspaper as he sat on the living room couch. As he perused the finance section, he gently grabbed a tiny teacup and took a sip. He swallowed the warm chamomile tea and sighed in contentment. He brought the cup to his lips and took another drink.
The front door was knocked off its hinges as Fluttershy ran in, cradling Philomena in her arms. “ANGEL!” she screamed. “We have an emergency!”
Angel spit out the tea, completely ruining the newspaper. He took a look at the soggy brown paper and angrily threw his teacup on the floor, where it shattered. He hopped off the couch and stomped over to the gaping hole in the wall that used to be the front door. Angel violently pulled off a tiny brown coat and hat from a small coat rack, shot an angry glance at Fluttershy, and stormed out of the house.
“Huh,” said Fluttershy. “Wonder what has him so upset?” Shrugging, she moved over to the couch and gently propped Philomena up against the cushions. “Don’t worry, Philomena,” cooed Fluttershy. “We’ll get you feeling better again and then we’ll have a nice, long talk about proper pet care with that monster, Princess Celestia.”
Philomena looked beadily at Fluttershy before letting out a wheezing cough.
“BED REST!” yelled Fluttershy, picking up the ill-looking bird. She walked over to the corner of the living room and set Philomena down on a small bed. “I’m sure Angel won’t mind that you’re borrowing his bed,” said Fluttershy, tucking the bird in. “He’s so understanding.”
Meanwhile, in a bar:
Berry Punch watched from behind the counter as the rabbit downed another glass of whiskey. “Maybe you better slow down, kid,” she warned as she wiped a glass with a rag. “That’s your third in the last…” She checked the time. “Five minutes.”
Angel growled and chucked the empty glass at the bartender, who had to duck quickly to avoid it.
“Or maybe you’d like another?” guessed Berry as she slowly got back up.
Back at Fluttershy’s:
Fluttershy pulled out a thermometer and stuck it in Philomena’s beak. “Don’t worry,” she said to the sick bird, “I’m using the right thermometer.” She chuckled to herself. “I’ve learned from that mistake.”
The mercury in the thermometer rose rapidly as smoke started rising from Philomena’s forehead.
“Oh no!” said Fluttershy. She quickly took out the thermometer and put a cool rag on Philomena’s head. “You must feel dreadful. I can’t believe Princess Celestia hasn’t noticed that you’re sick. I wonder if she even notices that you’re gone…”
Meanwhile, in the Mayor’s office:
“NOTICE ME, SENPAI!” yelled Mayor Mare as she dove at Celestia with her arms spread wide.
Celestia sighed as her horn glowed. Mayor Mare stopped midair and floated in place as Celestia’s magic held her.
“I refuse,” said Celestia, magically putting the Mayor back into her seat. “Now Mary, I can’t just favor Ponyville over-” She paused as Depressed Guard, who had walked into the office, whispered into her ear. Celestia's eyes widened. “…Philomena’s what?!” She quickly got up and followed him out of the room.
“Who’s Philomena?!” called Mayor Mare after the princess. “Is she a new mayor? Are you replacing me with her?!” When she didn’t get a response, she sniffled. “I can do mayor things too, you know…”
“Ms. Mayor?” said a voice on the intercom on the Mayor’s desk. “You need to look over and approve Ponyville’s budget.”
The Mayor stared at the intercom. “…What the fuck is a ‘budget’?”
Back at Fluttershy’s:
Fluttershy set a plate down on a small table in front of Philomena. “Here we are,” she said, “One comically oversized pill to make you feel better.”
Philomena looked at the pill and gagged.
Fluttershy ripped open a large bag of bird seed and dumped it on the plate, completely covering the pill. “How about now?” she asked.
Philomena grabbed the plate with her wings and dumped its contents into her mouth.
“Always works!” said Fluttershy smugly.
Philomena choked and clutched at her throat, where a distinctly pill-shaped object was lodged.
“Oh shit!” yelled Fluttershy. She quickly ran behind Philomena and wrapped her arms around her. Fluttershy began squeezing the bird tightly. Philomena coughed and the pill shot out of her mouth and sailed out the open window.
“…Ok…” said Fluttershy, putting Philomena down. “No more pills. I’ve got something better! Soup!” She ran into the kitchen and ran back out with a steaming bowl of soup.
Philomena looked at the soup, then at the clock on the wall. She turned her gaze to Fluttershy and raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, I have bowls of soup all over Ponyville,” explained Fluttershy. “In case of soup-related emergencies.”
“That’s my girl!” yelled Pinkie from far away.
Philomena leaned forward and sipped some of the soup.
“Do you like it?” asked Fluttershy. “It’s my special homemade tomato soup.”
Philomena’s eyes went wide. She pulled away from the soup and started gagging. Her face began puffing up and tears came to her eyes.
“Oh no!” said Fluttershy. “What’s wrong?!”
Meanwhile, at Sugarcube Corner:
Princess Celestia examined the empty birdcage with a frown on her face. “Hmmm…”
“WE’LL FIND HER,” yelled Gung-Ho Guard. “WE’LL FIND HER IF WE HAVE TO BURN DOWN ALL OF PONYVILLE!”
“Let’s try not to kill the citizens, ok?” asked Celestia. “Philomena’s been known to wander off before. How about we try asking ponies if they’ve seen her?”
“We have to talk? To others?” moaned Depressed Guard. “Can’t we just burn the place down?”
“No burning!” ordered Celestia. She turned her gaze back to the cage. “I just hope Philomena doesn’t eat anything tomato-based. She’s allergic to tomatoes.”
“…A real allergy?” asked Depressed Guard. “Or is it like your bean 'allergy’?”
“That is a real allergy!” yelled Celestia. “Why do you guys keep doubting me?!”
Back at Fluttershy’s:
“Ok!” said Fluttershy as she wiped her forehead with her hoof. “No more soup. Ever. How about I get you some company instead?”
Philomena, her face back to normal, let out a miserable croak.
Fluttershy walked over to the window and whistled. A small, green-feathered hummingbird zipped into the house and landed on Fluttershy’s arm.
Fluttershy smiled and walked back to Philomena. “This is Hummingway,” informed Fluttershy. “He was sick once too, but after some electro-shock therapy-”
Philomena vomited all over herself.
Fluttershy and Hummingway stared at her in horror. Fluttershy turned to the hummingbird and said, “I’m sorry you had to see that.” Hummingway shuddered and quickly flew back out the window, making gagging noises as he did so.
Fluttershy gently picked up Philomena and brought her to the bathroom. “Let’s get you all cleaned up,” she said, setting the bird down in the bathtub. She turned the water on and closed her eyes with a sigh. “How about some steam to help you relax?” she asked. She opened her eyes and shrieked.
Philomena was underwater and not moving. Fluttershy quickly grabbed her and got her out of the water. She squeezed Philomena, and the bird spat water as she coughed violently.
“Ok…” said Fluttershy, holding the bird close and blinking tears out of her eyes, “L-let’s try something else, huh? Like staying still in the living room and keeping you away from things that could hurt you. Like soup. Or pills. Or water.”
Fluttershy walked back out into the living room, Philomena perched on her arm, and suddenly froze.
“Fluttershy?” called Twilight as she walked into the house. Her horn glowed and she lifted the front door back into position. “Sorry to barge in, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” She turned to face Fluttershy and continued, “I heard Angel was causing trouble at the bar and I thought-” She blinked. “Oh cool,” she said, “Celestia let you watch her pet while she talked with the Mayor.”
“Um…” said Fluttershy nervously, “Not exactly…”
“Oh,” said Twilight. She smiled at Fluttershy and said, “Then one of the Royal Guards must have had you take the bird.”
“Not exactly…” said Fluttershy.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Then why do you have Celestia’s bird? I mean,” she started laughing, “It’s not like you stole her or anything!”
Fluttershy looked down at the ground guiltily.
Twilight’s chuckles ceased. “Fluttershy? You didn’t steal the bird…right?”
“No…” said Fluttershy slowly. “I didn’t steal Philomena. I am borrowing her in order to make her feel better.”
Twilight took a deep breath. She quickly walked over to the couch and grabbed one of the cushions. Twilight pressed it to her face, opened her mouth, and let out a long scream.
Fluttershy looked over at Philomena and smiled. “She’s taking this much better than I thought she would.”
Philomena rolled her eyes and let out a raspy cough.
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Good idea.
Right.
WOW. You are desperate.
It's good to know she cares about her Phoenix.
I'm not surprised.
Did, you just make a subtle reference to Hellfire from Hunchback of Notre Dame?
Yikes.
Er...
Seeing as she's a phoenix, I'm guessing this isn't gonna end well.
Well...
That went better than expected.
And then, Philomena bursts into flames, like a real phoenix should.
This is much better than the original episode.
The sad truth of MLP
So I'm not the only one...
Wait! I've said too much! {Hurls flash grenade, sneaks out the back}.
6382578 well, to be honest, the first thing Flutters should have done, in either case, would be to look up exactly what kind of animal she is dealing with. You can't assume universal treatment will work.
... And that's a sad allegory for human healthcare.
6382730
Not all of them, I do sometimes have my own joke or comment to make, I just somtimes anticipate what the characters say.
Because why the f*ck not.