• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Rarity Burns Up

Cloudsdale Coliseum was buzzing with activity. Pegasi from all over were pouring into the stands, desperate to watch the brave, confident young flyers as they soar through the air without a care in the world.

Rainbow Dash was hyperventilating into a brown paper bag that she held to her face. She had the number two posted at her side.

“Nervous?” asked Derpy, the number fifteen posted on her side.

“Gee, how’d you guess?” asked Rainbow dryly.

Derpy laughed nervously. “Um…Mare’s intuition?” Her eyes briefly lined up together, before drifting into different directions.

Rainbow sighed. “Why are you even here, Derpy?”

“I figured I’d give this ‘Young Flier’ thing a shot,” explained Derpy. “I may not win, but at least I can tell Dinky about it.” She looked at Rainbow. “Why are you so jittery? You’re the best flier I know.”

Rainbow pointed to one of the dressing room doors, where Rarity was standing. A group of pegasi was around her, admiring her wings.

“Why yes, they are lovely, aren’t they?” said Rarity to the crowd, fluttering her shimmering wings. “Of course, I wouldn’t have wings that were anything less. I always strive to look good. That’s why I’m in the fashion business, you know. You should come by my shop sometime; I have the perfect-”

“Ok, now I get it,” said Derpy to Rainbow Dash.

There was the sound of fanfare.

“We’re up!” said Derpy happily. She trotted off.

“Hooray…” murmured Rainbow Dash. She turned to the dressing room and said, “Come on, Rarity.”

“Go on ahead, darling!” called the winged unicorn. The crowd around her began to disperse. “I need a few minutes!” She walked into the room and shut the door.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and walked over to the entrance to the arena. She poked her head out and her jaw dropped. Thousands of pegasi were in the stands, chatting amongst themselves as they waited for the event to start. Rainbow could make out Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Twilight across the arena.

“You guys want to hear a joke?” asked Pinkie. “Do you know what type of cave a homosexual man lives in?” She waited expectantly.

“…No?” said Twilight.

“A gayve!” said Pinkie.

The others frowned at her.

“Get out,” said Fluttershy, “Just…just get out of the Coliseum.”

Rainbow Dash could also make out Hoops, Score, and Dumbbell sitting on a cloud a few feet away from the girls.

“And I said, ‘Rainbow Crash’!” laughed Hoops.

Dumbbell sighed. “We know, Hoops. We were there, remember?”

Score blinked. “Oh!” he said. “I get it! Rainbow Crash sounds like Rainbow Dash!” He started laughing hysterically.

Dumbbell slapped his own forehead. “I need new friends…” he muttered.

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” said the announcer. He was standing on a cloud in the middle of the arena, speaking into a microphone on his headset. “Please rise and join me in welcoming our beloved Princess Celestia!”

Rainbow Dash gasped as she watched Princess Celestia, flanked by two guards, land on her own personal cloud.

“STILL HERE, BITCHES!” yelled Gung-Ho Guard.

“Unfortunately…” muttered Depressed Guard.

The crowd cheered wildly. After a few moments, the noise faded. Eventually, only Twilight was still clapping and cheering.

“Princess Celestia!” she cheered. “Woo-woo!”

“Twilight? Twilight? Bring it down a notch,” said Celestia.

“Woo…” said Twilight, quieting herself.

“And please welcome our celebrity judges for the Best Young Flier Competition!” yelled the announcer. “The Wonderbolts!”

Six ponies in blue and yellow jumpsuits zoomed into the stadium. As they blazed through the air, they left a trail of dark clouds. They rose in the air, high above the crowd. They came together and broke apart, creating an explosion.

The crowd went nuts, cheering and screaming wildly. Even in her nervous state, Rainbow Dash smiled and cheered with them, excited at seeing her heroes in action.

As the Wonderbolts flew to their seats next to Princess Celestia, the leader, Spitfire, leaned towards the Princess and said, “Are you excited Princess?”

“Oh yes!” said Celestia laughing. A frown appeared on her face and she glared at Spitfire. “Don’t ever steal my spotlight again,” she growled. “Got it?”

Spitfire gulped. “Y-yes ma’am!” She saluted nervously.

The announcer cleared his throat and continued. “And now, let’s find out who will win the prize as this year’s BEST YOUNG FLIER!”

“Contestant number one?” asked a voice behind Rainbow. She turned her head and saw an older mare with orange hair reading off of a checklist. “Contestant number one? You’re up!”

As the pegasus walked out into the Coliseum, Rainbow took a look at her own number. “Number two?” she gulped. She took a look around and crept towards a stallion. He had the number five on his side. She carefully pulled the five off his side and took off her two. After sticking the five on her side, Rainbow forcefully smacked the stallion’s flank, putting her two on him.

The stallion looked back, confused. “Did…did you just spank me?”

“Um…” began Rainbow. “…Good game?”

“Thanks…I guess?” said the stallion. He looked at his new number and walked out into the arena. Soon after him, another pegasus with the number three on her side followed.

“Number four?” asked the mare with the checklist.

The door to the dressing room opened and Rarity stuck her head out. She had her hair in curls and a beauty mask on her face. “I need another minute please!”

“I’ll go!” yelled a stallion. He charged out of the room.

Rainbow looked down at her number. Gulping, she looked around desperately. She spotted Derpy and made her way over to her. “Derpy! Derpy!” she hissed.

Derpy looked at her. “What?” she asked.

“Can I have your number?” asked Rainbow.

Derpy blinked, then blushed. “U-Um…I…I mean…you’re really pretty Rainbow, but I’d prefer if we just stayed friends.”

Rainbow groaned. “Not your phone number. I want your position number.” She poked Derpy’s side for emphasis. “Please? I’m really nervous…”

“Oh!” said Derpy. She pulled her fifteen off. “Sure, no problem.” They swapped numbers, Derpy getting Rainbow’s five and Rainbow getting Derpy’s fifteen.

Meanwhile, in the stands, the other girls were watching the competitors fly.

“I like number seven!” said Twilight. “Doing fifteen barrel rolls in a row can’t be easy!”

Number Seven flew by, a rabbit on his back.

“Do a barrel roll!” said the rabbit.

“I KNOW PEPPY, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” yelled Number Seven.

“My favorite is number ten,” said Fluttershy. “She looks like such a nice pony.”

Number Ten flew past Number Seven, knocking the rabbit off his back.

“Thank you!” said the grateful Number Seven. Suddenly, a frog appeared on his back.

“AAAHHH!” screamed the frog. He grabbed Number Seven’s neck. “I’M HIT! I’M HIT!”

“GODDAMMIT SLIPPY!” screamed the stallion as he and the frog crashed into the stands.

“Ah wonder why we haven’t seen Rainbow Dash or Rarity yet?” asked Applejack.

“I don’t know,” answered Twilight. She turned to Pinkie, and grinned. “Hey Pinkie, what kind of cave does a homosexual man live in?”

Pinkie turned and frowned. “Twilight, don’t be offensive.”

Back inside the waiting room, Rainbow Dash was curled in a corner crying.

“Oh God…oh God…I can’t do this,” she muttered. “Maybe I just won’t go. I’ll just say I had to go to a funeral or something. My hopes and dreams are dying, after all…” She started rocking back and forth, sobbing.

“Um…” said the mare with the checklist. “Number fifteen? It’s your turn.”

Rainbow Dash responded by crying harder.

“…Just go whenever you feel up to it, ok?” asked the mare.

Suddenly, the door to the dressing room was thrown open.

“Ready!” sang Rarity as she stepped out. She had on a headband with pink feathers in it, pink earrings, a blue and green boa around her neck, and bright red lipstick.

“…Are…are you sure you’re ready?” asked the mare. “I know this place is a little run down, but those dressing rooms do have mirrors, right?”

“Don’t I look amazing?” asked Rarity.

The mare chose not to comment. “Look ladies,” she said instead, “We only have time for one more performance. If you want to go, you’ll both have to perform together.”

“What a splendid idea!” said Rarity. “Shall we go, Rainbow?”

Rainbow Dash squeaked in fear.

“Wonderful!” said Rarity, misunderstanding. She picked up Rainbow Dash and threw her out into the arena.

Rainbow tumbled through the air for a moment before regaining her balance. She looked up at the cheering crowd.

“Huh,” she said to herself, “Maybe I was getting nervous for noth-”

Rarity pushed Rainbow aside and lifted herself into the air, spreading her wings. “I’m here everyone! Rarity, owner of Carousel Boutique in Ponyville, is here to show you how fabulous I am!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Why does Rarity look like a clown?” asked Pinkie, who was shushed by the other girls.

Rarity flew over to Rainbow Dash and said, “Good luck Rainbow! May be the best pony win!”

“Y-yeah…” said Rainbow, gulping. “The best pony…”

Rarity smiled and flew away from her. She began to do flips and twirls in the air.

Rainbow Dash sucked in her breath. “Come on Rainbow,” she said to herself. “You’ve done this thousands of times. All you have to do is remember your routine!” She looked in front of her, seeing pillar-like clouds lined up down the arena. She smiled and took off.

“Rainbow! Look at me, darling!” called Rarity. She spun in the air. “I’m like a ballerina!”

Rainbow, weaving through the clouds, looked at Rarity and said, “I’m trying to concentrate!” She looked back at the clouds, but, due to being distracted, she found herself crashing into one.

“Ha!” laughed Dumbbell. He nudged the others. “This is our cue, guys.”

“For what?” asked Hoops and Score.

Dumbbell groaned. “Just call her Rainbow Crash, alright?”

Rainbow ignored the stallions and said to herself, “Time for phase two.” She flew high above the Coliseum and started spinning around clouds. As she left each cloud, they started spinning on their own.

“Rainbow!” called Rarity. “How do you do that Rainboom thing? I want to try it!”

“Shut up Rarity!” yelled Rainbow Dash, attempting to focus. “I’m busy!”

A piece of cloud flew out and smacked Rainbow in the face. She was thrown off-balance and the cloud she was spinning shot towards the stands.

“Peanuts!” called a vendor in the stand. “Crackerjacks!”

Princess Celestia grabbed a bag of peanuts and said happily, “I don’t care if I ever go back!”

The out of control cloud hit Celestia, causing her to drop her bag. “No!” she screamed. “My nuts!”

“THE PRINCESS’S NUTS ARE IN DANGER!” shouted Gung-Ho Guard. “GRAB THE PRINCESS’S NUTS!”

“We always have to grab her nuts…” whined Depressed Guard.

Rainbow Dash winced as she watched the scene. She slowly flew away, whistling innocently.

Meanwhile, Rarity had stopped her twirls. “Forget the Rainboom thing,” she said. “I’ll do something original! I’ll fly up to the sun and use the sunlight to beam my wings over Cloudsdale! Everyone will remember me for that!” She took off, high in the sky, headed towards the sun.

Princess Celestia shivered, her fur dripping slightly. “God, that cloud was freezing!” She looked around. “…I’m sure no one will notice if I make the sun a little warmer.” Her horn glowed.

Rainbow groaned to herself. “Fuck, I’ll never win now…” She sighed. “There’s only one chance. I’ve got to do a Rainboom.” She flew up into the sky, not far behind Rarity.

Rarity panted as she flew closer and closer to the sun. “God, was it always this warm?” she asked, sweating slightly. She placed herself in front of the sun and looked down at the Coliseum. “Look upon me! I am Rarity, owner of Carousel Boutique! My fabulous wings are only matched by my fabulous dresses, which are only matched by my fabulous prices! Come and see me in Ponyvillle!” She spread her wings. The sunlight hit her wings and created a rainbow of colors that shone down on the Coliseum.

The crowd gasped at the sight, transfixed.

“I should buy dresses from her,” said a mare.

“Me too,” said another.

“Me too!” said a stallion.

Rarity’s wings started smoking. Rarity blinked and sniffed the air. “Something’s burning,” she muttered.

Her wings burst into flames and were quickly destroyed. Rarity watched as the ashes blew away in the breeze.

“…Well…” she said. She looked down and saw Equestria far below her. “…Shit.”

Rarity began falling and she screamed on her way down.

“Her wings! They’ve evaporated!” said Twilight.

“If only there were pegasi around to help her!” said Fluttershy.

Pinkie looked around at all the pegasi who were watching Rarity fall. “…If only,” she said.

As the crowd gasped, the Wonderbolts took off after the falling unicorn. The dove after Rarity, coming close to her.

“Quick!” shouted Spitfire. “Give us your-”

Rarity’s flailing arms and legs smacked the three Wonderbolts in the face.

“Hhoooveesss….” slurred Spitfire as she passed out.

Rainbow Dash was still flying up in the air. “Ok, I can win if I just-” She blinked as she heard screaming. “What the fuck is that? It sounds like someone’s torturing a cat!” She looked behind her and saw Rarity and the Wonderbolts falling. “Oh,” she said nonchalantly, “It’s just Rarity falling to her death.” She turned her head back and focused on gaining altitude. Her eyes widened and she looked back again. “Oh shit! Rarity’s falling to her death! With the Wonderbolts! That lucky bitch…” She stopped flying up and turned around. “I’m a-comin’!” she yelled, diving after the group of falling ponies.

As Rainbow Dash’s speed increased, the air in front of her compressed into a cone. Rainbow Dash burst through the cone, making waves of color appear around her. A rainbow trailed after her as she blazed through the air.

“Did she just make-” began Twilight.

“A SONIC RAINBOOM!” cheered Fluttershy wildly. She grabbed Pinkie and gave her a headbutt. As Pinkie fell backwards, dazed, Fluttershy started jumping up and down. “FUCK YES! I KNEW SHE COULD FUCKING DO IT!”

The ground was approaching quickly, but Rainbow Dash grabbed all four falling ponies seconds before they splattered against it. She shot upwards, and looped around the Coliseum, creating a rainbow above it.

As Rainbow flew back into the arena, various pegasi grabbed the three Wonderbolts and Rarity from her. Rainbow sighed and landed on the cloud the Coliseum was resting on. She looked up and saw that the crowd was staring at her, completely silent.

“Um…” she said. “Ta da?”

The crowd starting cheering wildly. Confetti was tossed around. Ponies shot T-Shirts with Rainbow’s face on them into the crowd. A beach ball appeared and was bounced around in the stands.

“Did I win?” asked Rainbow.

“You did!” said Rarity happily as she was carried by two pegasi. “Thanks for saving me.”

“No problem,” said Rainbow. “But why did you want to enter this thing anyway?”

“Well…” said Rarity. “That whole ‘Hoity Toity’ thing hasn’t really worked as well as I thought it would. I figured if I won the competition, or at least participated in it, I could advertise my store.”

“And you figured crushing my hopes was worth that?” asked Rainbow.

“Well…um…” faltered Rarity.

“I’m just fucking with you!” said Rainbow, giving Rarity a smile. “Besides, now everyone knows you were saved by the Best Young Flier! You’re sure to get some name recognition out of that!”

An hour later:

Rarity, who was in the hot-air balloon, sighed as she was handed a photo by a pegasus. In the photo, Rainbow Dash was grabbing her right before she hit the ground. She was crying and screaming, her face frozen in an unflattering expression of fear.

Rarity frowned and signed the photo. “Here,” she said, shoving it back at the pegasus.

“Great!” said the stallion. “I heard this photo is going to be on the front page of tomorrow’s paper! Everyone will know who you are!”

“See?” said Rainbow happily. “I told you you’d get some name recognition out of this!”

“Wonderful,” moaned Rarity. She grabbed a brown paper bag and put it over her head.

“Hey,” said a voice.

Rainbow turned around and saw the Wonderbolts behind her. Spitfire held an ice-pack to her head as she smiled at Rainbow Dash.

“Those were some pretty nice moves out there,” she said. “Thanks for saving our lives!”

“Oh…um…n-no problem!” said Rainbow, a giant smile forming on her face.

“Sorry about that, by the way,” said Rarity.

“Don’t worry!” laughed Spitfire. “Our legal team is already drafting a restraining order for you!”

“Great…” groaned Rarity.

Twilight looked over and saw Princess Celestia walking towards them. “Princess!” she called.

“Hello Twilight!” greeted Celestia. She looked over at Rarity. “Well, I hope you learned a lesson. Unicorns are meant to stay on the ground, and Pegasi are meant to be the only ponies that fly. It’s the way God intended.” She spread her wings and hovered above everyone else. “Except for me! Alicorn, bitches!” She flew off, cackling madly.

“Hey,” said Dumbbell, walking over to Rainbow. “Sorry we-”

“FUCK YOU!” said Rainbow, punching Dumbbell in the jaw.

Spitfire laughed as she watched the stallion fall to the floor. She winced and held her head. “God, that hurts! After all this, I could use a drink…” She looked at Rainbow and smiled. “What do you say?”

“I knew you guys were my heroes for a reason,” said Rainbow Dash, throwing an arm around her. She and Spitfire flew off, the other Wonderbolts right behind them.

“…Did Rainbow just ditch us?” asked Fluttershy.

“Apparently,” answered Applejack.

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