• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Pinkie P.I.

Pinkie Pie yawned as she plodded down the stairs, huge bags under her eyes. “That was awful…” she groaned to Gummy, who was laying on her head. “I didn’t sleep a wink last night…” She yawned again as she walked into Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen. “Oh well,” she said, a small smile on her face. “At least it’s a new day, right Gummy? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Mr. Cake was at the stove, scrambling some eggs. “Good morning, Pinkie!” he greeted. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Breakfast?” repeated Pinkie. “But I normally look in the script to see what I’m having…” She shook her head and looked over at Mr. Cake. “Um...what are my options?”

Mr. Cake smiled and said, “We have cereal, strudels, muffins, cupcakes, bacon and eggs, eggs and bacon, bacon and bacon, Danishes, donuts, croissants, waffles, pancakes, French toast, French-Canadian toast-”

“Mr. Cake!” yelled Pinkie, stopping him. “I’ll just have whatever you’re having, ok?”

“Great choice!” said Mr. Cake. He slid a bowl down the counter towards Pinkie. “Plain oatmeal!”

Pinkie’s eye twitched. “Oatmeal? Are you crazy?!” She sighed and grabbed a spoon anyway. “I guess I might as well eat it…it’s not like I can decide on anything else.” She put the spoon in the bowl and scooped up some oatmeal, and then stuck the spoon in her mouth.

“Oh, be careful,” said Mr. Cake. “It’s a little-”

Pinkie yelped and leapt up, dropping the spoon on the floor. She stuck out her tongue and tried to wave air onto it, her eyes watering.

“Hot…” finished Mr. Cake.

Pinkie pushed the oatmeal away from her and walked out of the kitchen. “This is crazy!” she muttered, walking out of Sugarcube Corner. “I can’t sleep…I can’t eat…” She sighed and pulled Gummy off her head, holding him out in front of her. “The sooner I find that script, the better.”

Gummy blinked one eye at a time at her.

Pinkie sighed and put him down. “Go back inside, Gummy. I’ll ask the others about the script, starting with Twilight. She’s the one who knows about it already.” She looked up at the sky. “I don’t suppose I could have a scene transition to get there, could I?”

She waited for a moment. When it was clear no transition was coming, she growled in frustration before stomping her way towards the library.

After several minutes of walking, Pinkie came to a stop in front of the library’s door. “Finally!” she panted. She wiped some sweat off her forehead and exhaled. “Man…walking everywhere sucks…” she muttered. She sighed, raised her hoof, and knocked on the library’s door.

After a few moments, Twilight opened the door. “…Pinkie?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “You…you actually waited for me to answer the door? You usually pop up unexpectedly.”

“Hi Twilight,” greeted Pinkie. “Have you seen my script anywhere? That black binder I showed you during that whole Pinkie Sense thing?”

“Your script?” repeated Twilight. She shook her head, “Sorry Pinkie, but the only black binder here is…” She blinked and suddenly stopped talking. “Um…” she began nervously. “There’s no black binders here!” She laughed uncomfortably.

“Oh…” said Pinkie sadly, looking at the ground. She looked up and asked pleadingly, “Can…can you help me look for it?”

“Well…” said Twilight slowly. “I usually would. But I have a lot of…studying to do today. You know how Princess Celestia is about me keeping up with my studies.”

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:

“...Sister?” asked Luna, an icepack on her head. She leaned back against her pillows and looked at Celestia, who was frowning. “Is something the matter?”

“I’ve been thinking, Luna,” said Celestia, as she leaned on the side of Luna’s bed. She poured Luna another glass of water and continued, “Twilight Sparkle is my student, right?”

“Yes…” said Luna slowly, slightly wincing at her headache. “Why do you need to ask?”

“Because she hasn’t sent in any reports since…like…ever!” said Celestia.

Luna winced and covered her ears. “Sister…please…” she moaned.

“Sorry,” said Celestia quietly.

“Do you actually want her to send reports?” asked Luna, her head throbbing worse than ever.

“Oh god no,” said Celestia. “Her essays are more boring than a dictionary having sex with a history book.”

Luna stared at Celestia. “…How many times have you witnessed something like that?” she finally asked.

“You really don’t remember Discord very well, do you?” asked Celestia.

Back in Ponyville:

“Hey Twilight?” called Spike from inside the library. “Where do you want this big black binder?”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Well!” she said loudly. “I’ve got to go!” She stepped backwards into the library. “Bye Pinkie!” she said as she slammed the door shut.

“Huh…” said Pinkie, staring at the door. “That was odd…but Twilight wouldn’t lie about having my script…would she?” She frowned. “…I better ask the others before I make any conclusions. I’ll go see Applejack next. She won’t lie to me.”

She walked to Sweet Apple Acres, where she spotted Applejack bringing in a wagon full of apples. With a determined expression, she walked over.

“Hey Pinkie!” greeted Applejack. She frowned as the pink pony came closer. “You feelin’ alright? Ya look dead on your hooves.”

“I had a bad night,” said Pinkie. “Speaking of, have you seen a big black binder anywhere?”

“Binder?” questioned Applejack. She looked around, desperate not to look Pinkie in the eyes. “W-why do you ask, Sugarcube?”

“Let’s just say it’s important to me,” said Pinkie. “Have you seen it?”

“Uh…nope?” said Applejack.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Yes?” said Applejack, not meeting Pinkie’s gaze.

“You positive?” asked Pinkie.

“Uh-huh…” said Applejack.

Pinkie leaned in uncomfortably close to Applejack’s face. “Are you really really sure?”

Applejack took a deep breath and finally looked Pinkie in the eye. “Yes,” she said.

“Oh,” said Pinkie, stepping away from Applejack. “Alright then. I’ll see you later, Applejack.”

As the other pony left, Applejack let out a sigh of relief. “…Ah hate lyin’…” she muttered, as she pulled the wagon back to the barn.

“Ok,” said Pinkie, shutting the gate to Sweet Apple Acres behind her. “That was suspicious. But I should check with everyone else, just in case.” She headed down the road and started walking to Rarity’s shop.

As she approached Carousel Boutique, she noticed two thing. One was that smoke was billowing out of the windows of the store. Two was that three individuals were lying on the front yard, coughing and wheezing.

“Spike,” coughed Rarity, “I thought you said you knew how to cook.”

“I do!” said Spike, standing up. He glared at the third person lying on the ground. “I’ve just never cooked with gasoline, before.”

“Ok…” said Derpy Hooves, standing up. “Maybe I should’ve listened to Carrot Top when she told me ponies can’t actually eat something with gasoline on it…” She coughed into her hoof.

“Jesus, how do you feed Dinky?” asked Spike.

Derpy glared at Spike, both of her eyes pointed directly at him. “I take very good care of my daughter, thank you very much,” she growled.

Spike laughed nervously and awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. “I…I didn’t mean anything by it…”

Derpy sighed. “…We get take-out a lot,” she admitted.

“What are you guys doing?” asked Pinkie, walking over.

Rarity jumped and turned to face her. “Oh! H-hello Pinkie. We…uh…” she turned to the other two and gestured for them to help her.

“We were cooking,” said Derpy honestly. Rarity’s eyes went wide and she quickly gestured for her to be quiet.

“Cooking?” asked Pinkie. “Cooking what?”

Ignoring Rarity’s frantic gestures to stop talking, Derpy continued, “We were making a bi-mmph…”

Pinkie and Spike’s jaws dropped open as Rarity rushed forward and pressed her lips against Derpy’s, effectively silencing her. Derpy simply raised an eyebrow as Rarity kissed her, and showed no other reaction.

“Um…” said a confused Pinkie.

“Whoa…” said Spike, stunned.

Rarity pulled away and turned back to Pinkie, a blush on her face. “She…she meant to say booking, Pinkie. For our date. That was what she meant.”

“Ok…?” said Pinkie. “That doesn’t really explain the smoke coming out of your store, but I’ll let it slide. Have you seen a big black binder anywhere?”

Rarity’s eyes widened again.

“Black binder?” asked Spike. “Like that one that Twi-mmmph?!” Spike blushed furiously as Rarity embraced and kissed him as well.

Pinkie’s jaw dropped again as she watched as Spike seemed to melt into Rarity’s embrace, hearts in his eyes. Derpy, who had shown no reaction when she got kissed, got hearts in her eyes and blushed like crazy. The wall-eyed mare soon fainted and fell to the ground.

Rarity pulled her lips away from Spike, who fainted as soon as she did. She carefully laid him on the ground and turned back to Pinkie.

“Um…all of us,” she said slowly. “All three of us are going on a date together.”

Pinkie closed her mouth with a snap. “Um…” she faltered. “I’m just gonna…yeah…” She quickly turned around and walked away, leaving Rarity with her two unconscious “dates”.

Rarity sighed and turned to look at Spike and Derpy. “…I’m going to have some explaining to do when they wake up…” she muttered.

Spike and Derpy had matching dazed smiles on their faces. “So amazing…” they mumbled in unison.

Pinkie quickly walked down the path leading back into Ponyville. “Didn’t see that one coming…” she muttered. She looked up and said, “I need to find that script now. And the only ones left to ask are R-”

“DID SOMEONE SAY RAINBOW DASH?!” yelled a voice as a blue blur slammed into Pinkie, knocking her over.

“Rainbow, you hit Pinkie!” said Fluttershy, landing next to Pinkie Pie and helping her up. When Pinkie was back on her hooves, Fluttershy paused. “…Holy shit, you hit Pinkie...”

Rainbow Dash looked confused as she gazed over at Pinkie. “That’s weird…usually you dodge whenever I do that…” She frowned and asked, “Are you feeling okay?”

“No,” answered Pinkie. “Have either of you seen a black binder?”

“Black binder?” repeated Rainbow Dash. She and Fluttershy exchanged nervous looks. “Uh…nope! Haven’t seen it! Have you, Fluttershy?”

“Sorry,” said Fluttershy, looking slightly away from Pinkie, “I haven’t.”

“I have a little black notebook, though,” said Rainbow Dash, pulling said notebook out. She held it open for Pinkie and Fluttershy to read. “It’s got the names of all the bangable ponies I know.”

Pinkie whistled as she looked at it. “There’s a lot of names on here…”

“I know!” said Rainbow Dash. “And that’s just two pages! Look,” she pointed at five names on the page, “Even you guys, Rarity, Twilight, and Applejack are in here!”

“Why are there little hearts next to all of our names?” asked Fluttershy.

Rainbow blushed bright red and shut the book. “N-no reason…” she said, laughing nervously. “A-Anyway…we better go, Fluttershy.” She flapped her wings and flew up in the air. “See you later, Pinkie!”

“Yeah,” said Fluttershy, flying up to Rainbow Dash. “We need to go see Twilight about-” She grunted as Rainbow Dash elbowed her in the stomach. She leveled an icy glare at Rainbow, who gulped in fear.

“BYE PINKIE!” screamed Rainbow, quickly zooming away. Fluttershy let out an enraged roar and chased after her.

Pinkie frowned as she watched them fly off. “Twilight…” she repeated. She back into town and headed for Sugarcube Corner, uncharacteristically quiet.

She walked inside the bakery and headed up to her room, where Gummy was sitting on her bed.

“Twilight has a black binder,” said Pinkie, out loud. She started pacing the room. “I showed Twilight the script during the Pinkie Sense chapters, where she went crazy trying to see how I can do the things I do. It’s possible that she saw the script last night and took it, wanting to study it and see how it works.”

Gummy yawned.

“I know, I know!” said Pinkie, waving her hoof. “I don’t have proof, so I can’t accuse Twilight of stealing it. But, as of now, she’s the most likely suspect.” She groaned and stopped pacing. She turned to the mirror on her dresser and stared at herself.

“…I hate this,” she admitted quietly. “I’m supposed to be funny and random, not serious and distrusting. But I need to find out if Twilight has my script or not.” She looked over at Gummy, who was watching her. “…I need someone who knows what Twilight is doing. Someone like-”

There was a knock at her bedroom door. Confused, Pinkie walked over and opened it, revealing a happy looking Spike.

“Pinkie!” said Spike. “You’ll never believe what happened!”

“Rarity kissed you,” said Pinkie, bored.

“…Oh yeah, I forgot you were there…” said Spike. A goofy grin grew on his face and he said, “Sorry, but it’s all still kind of a blur, you know? Even though she said we weren’t actually going out on a date with Derpy, it was still a kiss! With Rarity!”

Pinkie sighed and patted Spike on the head. “Spike, I’m happy for you. Really. But I’m kind of in the middle of-” She paused and looked down at Spike. She smiled a little too widely for Spike’s liking.

“Um…Pinkie?” asked Spike.

Pinkie pounced on Spike and, in a matter of seconds, had somehow tied him up in ropes and threw him on the bed.

Spike blinked up at the ceiling. “…Ok…I’m tied up in a girl’s bedroom. I’m…I’m not sure if I should be worried or excited about this.”

“Ok Spike…” said Pinkie, glaring at the captive dragon. “What do you know about Twilight?”

“…The vampires were disappointing,” said Spike.

Pinkie slammed her hoof against her forehead. “I meant Twilight the pony, Spike!” She grabbed him and helped him sit up so he could look at her.

“Oh!” said Spike. “Well, she’s read all the books in the library at least three times, she has a creepy relationship with a painting, she takes too long in the bathroom, she’s gotten me a book as a birthday present every single year, she-” He was silenced as Pinkie pressed a hoof against his lips.

“Spike,” she said, “I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to nod or shake your head. Does Twilight have a black binder in the library?”

Spike nodded and Pinkie’s eyes went wide. She quickly took her hoof off of Spike’s lips.

“She’s been keeping it near her all day today,” said Spike. “She only showed the rest of the girl’s what was in it. Apparently, I’m a liability.”

Pinkie stared at Spike. Her gaze trailed down to the ropes around his body. She looked back up at Spike and raised an eyebrow.

“…Point taken,” said Spike. “All she said to me was that it involved you. And that you could never know she had it.”

Pinkie stared at Spike, stunned. She turned and walked towards the dresser. “She has it…” Pinkie muttered to herself. “Twilight has my script…” She stumbled over to her dresser and looked at her reflection. Her mane seemed to deflate, hanging down her head in long, pink strands.

“Um…Pinkie?” asked Spike.

Pinkie began to laugh. It started soft and quiet, but soon rose in volume until she was practically screaming. She reached out and punched the mirror, shattering it.

“Pinkie?!” repeated Spike. “What are you-”

“You keep calling me that…” said Pinkie, her laughter suddenly stopping. “Don’t. Pinkie is fun and happy. I’m not happy. The world doesn’t seem bright anymore…it just seems…” Spike watched in confusion as the pink in Pinkie’s fur seemed to grow darker. “…Dull.”

She turned around and smiled viciously at Spike, her blue eyes swirling. “Call me Pinkamena. And while you’re at it…” She grabbed a piece of broken glass and stalked forward, staring at Spike. “Tell me where Twilight Sparkle and her friends are.”

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