• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Puddles, Pitfalls, and Ponies

After a couple of hours of walking/making sure Fluttershy didn’t run, the ponies finally came to the foot of the mountain. The area around the mountain was peacefully quiet. The only sounds were the chirps of the birds, the rush of a nearby waterfall, and the gentle rustle of the trees on the side of the path.

A loud noise ripped through the peaceful silence, shattering it like a baseball bat through a car window.

Rarity pulled out a fan and waved it behind her. “So sorry, darlings. Those burritos I had for lunch didn’t quite agree with me.”

“Ok,” said Twilight, “First off, gross. Second, I don’t think that was you.” She pointed upwards to the highest peak of the mountain, where the smoke trail could be seen. “I think that was our dragon.”

Fluttershy peeked out from behind Applejack, who was in charge of guarding her. “We have to climb all the way up there? Isn’t it a little…” she gulped, “High?”

“Speaking of high…” began Twilight, “I wonder how Spike is doing?”

Back in Ponyville:

The library’s interior was enveloped in a smoky haze. Spike, sprawled on the couch, looked at Angel with bloodshot eyes. “I mean, like, I try to be a good assistant.” He said sadly. “But sometimes I just make mistakes, you know? Like this one time Twilight wanted me to bring her 1001 Spells for Beginners and I brought her 1001 Spells for Dinner.” Spike sighed and put his head in his hands. “God, I’m a horrible assistant…” He sobbed.

Angel nodded and took another hit from his bong.

Back with the others:

“You guys know I have wings, right?” said Rainbow Dash. “I could just fly up there and kick that dragon’s ass. We wouldn’t need to climb.”

“And what makes ya think you could handle a dragon on your own?” asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Applejack, my name is Rainbow D. Dash. Do you know what the ‘D’ stands for?”

“Dorothy.” said Fluttershy at once.

Rainbow Dash blushed and shook her head. “N-no! The ‘D’ stands for ‘Dragon’! As in ‘Dragon Slayer’!” She started to fly upwards. “I’ll take care of your dragon before you can say-”

“There’s no place like home?” asked Pinkie.

“Ye-NO!” said Rainbow Dash, her face turning red. “You know what?” she landed back on the ground and folded her wings against her sides. “Just for that, I’m not going to slay your dragon. I’m gonna watch all of you fail, and then I’ll slay your dragon!”

“Well,” said Twilight, “We need to get to the dragon first. We better start climbing.”

“Good idea.” said Rarity. “Maybe if we convince this beast to leave, I can persuade him to part with a few of his jewels.”

“Jewels?” asked Applejack. “Who said anything ‘bout jewels?”

“Just the Diamond Dogs trying to hide in those trees.” said Pinkie, pointing to the side.

Everyone looked to the side of the path, but couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. “Very funny, Pinkie Pie.” said Rarity. “But now is not the time for one of your jokes.”

“But-” began Pinkie.

“But nothin’.” interrupted Applejack. “Save the pranks for when we get rid of this dragon, Sugarcube.” She turned back towards Rarity. “You were sayin’?”

“I read that dragons hoard jewels and gold for their nests.” explained Rarity. “If that’s true, then surely he wouldn’t mind giving up a few.”

“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes, “I’m sure he’s nice and friendly.”

“Really?” asked Fluttershy, a hopeful look on her face.

“No.”

“Shit.”

Meanwhile, in the trees:

The pack of Diamond Dogs watched as the group of ponies started to walk towards the mountain.

“Guess we ain’t the only ones trying to get to this dragon.” said Boss Pitt, attempting to hide his large frame behind a sapling.

“Boss,” began Rover, “Maybe we should let these ponies get to the dragon.”

“What?!” growled Pitt as he grabbed Rover by the throat. “Are you sayin’ we should let them make off with my treasure?!”

“No!” wheezed Rover. “While they get killed by the dragon, we can sneak in and steal the jewels.”

Pitt dropped Rover and rubbed his chin. “Now that ain’t a bad idea…” he muttered. He turned to the rest of the pack and said, “Boys, I’ve just had an idea! We’re gonna wait and let these ponies reach the dragon. While the dragon’s busy frying them, we’re gonna sneak in and get my treasure! Any questions?”

Another dog raised his hand. Pitt grabbed the hand and twisted it until he heard a cracking noise. The dog collapsed on the ground, whimpering and cradling his hand.

“Any other questions?” growled Boss Pitt to his frightened followers.

Back with the ponies:

The ponies began climbing up the slope of the mountain. Most of them, anyway.

“Come on, Fluttershy!” yelled Rainbow Dash. She glared at the cowering Pegasus they had left at the foot of the mountain. “What, do you want us to carry you up the mountain?”

“Thank goodness you offered, Rainbow!” said Rarity. She leaped into Rainbow Dash’s arms. “My hooves were getting tired.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and dropped Rarity, who tumbled down the mountain and landed by Fluttershy.

“It’s so steep…” said Fluttershy as she gazed at the slope. “I’m not sure if I can climb up it.”

“Gee, really?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Gosh, that’s too bad. It’s not like you can FLY OR ANYTHING!” she screamed.

“Oh…yeah.” said Fluttershy. She opened her wings and prepared to take off.

Another loud roar from up above made her freeze. She stiffened and fell over next to Rarity, who began to stir.

Rarity moaned as she regain consciousness. “When did it start raining?” she asked groggily.

“It’s not raining.” said Twilight as she looked up at the sky.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Then why is there a puddle?” She gazed down at the ground and then looked over at the fear-stricken Fluttershy. “…” Rarity turned green and ran into a nearby bush. The other ponies heard the noise of her retching and winced.

Applejack sighed and looked at Twilight. “Look. Ah’ll take her around the mountain another way. The rest of you keep climbin’. We’ll catch up.”

Twilight nodded. She looked up the mountain and pointed to a ledge. “That’s probably the only way Fluttershy will make it up the mountain. We’ll wait for you up there, ok?”

Applejack nodded and went back down the slope. Rarity came out of the bushes, still looking a bit green. Applejack opened her mouth to say something, but Rarity held up a hoof and said, “Not. One. Word.”

Sometime Later:

Pinkie put her hand down and smirked. “Full house!” she said. “Now take ‘em off!”

Rarity looked at Pinkie in confusion. “We’re playing Phase 10. And why would we play strip poker if none of us normally wear clothes?”

Pinkie shook her head sympathetically at Rarity. “Do you even read some of the stories on this website?”

“What?” asked Rarity.

“GAH!” groaned Rainbow Dash. She looked at Twilight and said, “This is taking too long!”

“I know.” said Twilight. “But we need to wait until they get here before we move on.”

“But we’re waiting on Applejack!” said Rainbow Dash. “Applejack! She probably got distracted because she passed an apple tree or something!”

“Ah…heard that…” panted Applejack as she rounded the corner of the ledge. She dragged Fluttershy behind her. “Ah’ll make sure to remember that little comment, Rainbow.”

“Yeah yeah.” said Rainbow, dismissively waving a hoof at Applejack. “Let’s just get going!” She took off, leaving the other ponies to scramble after her.

The ponies walked along the ledge, taking turns to push Fluttershy along. They soon came to a cliff. They could see the other side across from them.

Rainbow Dash jumped across, making it with ease. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie followed her and made it as well. They all turned to look expectantly at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy gulped and said, “Do I have to-?

“YES!” yelled the other ponies at her.

“I don’t know…” moaned Fluttershy as she looked down at ground below.

“Come on, Fluttershy!” said Pinkie eagerly. “It’s just a leap, dash, and dive! Wait…” she said, her brow furrowed in thought. “That doesn’t sound right. Maybe a run, pass, and save? No. Stop, drop, and roll? No…”

Fluttershy stood up and said shakily, “I’m going to try!” She jumped the gap. And promptly plummeted to the ground below.

“Huh.” said Twilight. “I swear that gap was smaller when we jumped.”

“I got it!” said Pinkie suddenly. “It’s just a hop, skip, and…” She looked around. “Where’d Fluttershy go?”

Rainbow sighed and spread her wings. “I’m on it.” She dove down to catch Fluttershy.

Super Happy Time Passage:

The six ponies were walking on a ledge to get to the dragon’s lair. The cliff wall loomed above them as they quietly walked along.

Twilight looked at the cliff wall above them and whispered, “Make sure to keep it down.”

Rainbow Dash nodded and turned to Applejack. “Make sure to wear a frown.” she whispered.

Applejack nodded and turned to Rarity. “Make sure to stare at a clown.” she whispered.

Rarity nodded and turned to Pinkie. “Make sure to screw around.” she whispered.

Pinkie nodded and turned to Fluttershy. “Make sure to be extra loud.” she whispered.

“Are you sure?” whispered Fluttershy.

Pinkie nodded.

“WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE EXTRA LOUD?!” screamed Fluttershy.

The cliff shook as rock after rock came crashing down onto the ponies. They tried to flee and avoid the rocks.

After a few moments, the avalanche stopped. The ponies collapsed on the ground and panted.

“Everyone ok?” asked Twilight.

“I’m fine.” said Applejack.

“A little dirty, but I’ll live.” replied Rarity.

“My sister would have loved that!” said Pinkie excitedly. “I’ll have to tell her about it the next time I see her!”

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?” asked Fluttershy. The other ponies looked around, not seeing their colorful friend.

“Do you think she’s…?” Rarity trailed off as she looked at the rocks behind her.

The other ponies were silent. They shut their eyes and mourned their lost friend.

“Jesus, that scared the shit out of me!” said a voice. The five ponies looked up and saw Rainbow Dash flying in the air.

“Rainbow!” said Pinkie, jumping up to hug her friend. “We thought you were dead!”

“Yeah!” said Applejack, throwing a hoof around Rainbow’s shoulders when she landed. “You alright?”

“I’m fine.” said Rainbow Dash. She frowned. “You know what else I am?” She turned and glared at Fluttershy. “I’m sick of having to play baby-sitter.” She stomped towards a shaking Fluttershy. “You have made this whole thing a lot harder than it needs to be, Fluttershy. If you don’t want to be here, then maybe you should save us all the trouble and turn around and go home.”

“Rainbow Dash!” said Applejack.

“What?!” said Rainbow, turning her glare on Applejack. “We’re all thinking it! She’s been nothing but trouble the second we got here!”

“I…I…” began Fluttershy. She looked at the ground, tears welling in her eyes.

Rarity sighed and looked at Rainbow Dash. “You can’t really blame her for being scared. We are walking towards a giant fire-breathing monster, after all.”

“Yeah!” said Pinkie, hugging Fluttershy. “You can’t blame her for that, Dashie!”

“We still need Fluttershy to reason with the dragon, Rainbow.” said Twilight.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Fine. I can see that I’m alone here.” she shot a glare towards Fluttershy. “One more chance, Fluttershy. That’s it.” She huffed and flew ahead.

The rest of the ponies shot sympathetic glances at Fluttershy before walking away. Sighing, Fluttershy stared at the ground and began to walk after them.

A Few Minutes Later:

The ponies stopped and stared. They were standing in front of an entrance to a massive cave. Smoke drifted out of the cave and into the air, leaving little doubt about what was inside.

Twilight turned towards Rainbow Dash and said, “See if you can stop this smoke.” The Pegasus nodded and shot up into the air. Twilight turned towards Rarity and Pinkie. “I need you two to get ready to create a diversion in case things get hairy in their.”

Rarity pulled out her knife with a sadistic grin. Pinkie Pie pulled out a razor and shaving cream.

“Not that kind of hairy!” snapped Twilight. She sighed and turned towards Applejack. “You get ready with your apples in case the dragon attacks.”

Applejack grinned and pulled out two apples. She dropped them on the ground, where they made two small craters.

“And Fluttershy will talk to him first in order to make him leave.” said Twilight. “We’ll talk with the dragon and make him see reason.”

Rainbow landed back on the ground and coughed violently. “Sorry, Twilight.” she said between coughs. “There’s too much-koff-smoke. It’s-koff-like a Las Pegasus casino up there.”

Twilight groaned. “Then it looks like it’s up to me and you, Fluttershy. Are you ready?”

She only heard silence.

“Fluttershy?” she asked. She looked to where she saw Fluttershy last and only saw hoof prints going back the way they came. She ran back to the path and saw Fluttershy walking down it. “Fluttershy! Wait!” She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Fluttershy stop. “Come on! We need you to do this!”

“I can’t!” yelled Fluttershy.

Twilight froze. “B-but you have to! Equestria is depending-”

“Depending on us, I know!” said Fluttershy.

“Then you need to nut up and get in there!” said a voice. Twilight turned and saw Rainbow Dash glaring at Fluttershy. “You can’t just leave us now!”

Fluttershy turned and glared at Rainbow Dash. “Watch me.”

“B-but-” began Rainbow.

“I’m sorry, Rainbow, but you were right. I should just go home.” said Fluttershy. “I’ll just mess up again.”

“I didn’t mean-” said Rainbow Dash. Her voice fell on deaf ears as Fluttershy turned around and headed back down the path.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash stared after her for a few moments, before turning and dejectedly walked back to the others.

The other three ponies were surprised to only see two ponies walking towards them. “Where’s Fluttershy?” asked Applejack.

“She…” began Twilight. “She went home. She’s done.”

“But…” began Rarity, “Who’s going to convince the dragon to leave now?”

The ponies were silent for a few moments.

“I will.” said Rainbow Dash, heading towards the cave.

Applejack rushed forward and cut her off. “Now hold on. I know you want to kick this dragon’s ass, but-”

“This isn’t about that!” said Rainbow. “Fuck…” she cursed as she kicked the ground. She sighed and looked at Applejack. “Look. I’m the reason Fluttershy left, okay? I should be the one to try to get rid of this dragon.”

Applejack stared at Rainbow Dash before saying, “You know that attacking it probably won’t make it leave, right?”

“I know.” nodded Rainbow. She pushed past Applejack and headed into the cave. “That’s why I’m going to do things Fluttershy’s way. I’m going to go talk to the dragon.” She entered the cave, leaving four stunned ponies in her wake.

Rainbow Dash walked through the dark cave, with only the dim light of the sun outside showing her where to go. She saw an orange light coming from the back of the cave and strode towards it.

She stopped and stared at the sight in front of her. A large red dragon was curled up on massive piles of gold and treasure. She huffed and glared at the dragon. “Wake up, asshole!” she said.

The dragon snorted and opened one orange eye. He stared at the blue pony coming towards him and huffed. “Who are you to command me, little pony? I am the Storm of the West, I am He who destroys kingdoms, I am-”

“Save for drama class, Shakespeare!” said Rainbow, cutting him off. She punched his nose. She gripped her hoof as pain shot through it. Punching the dragon was like punching a brick wall. She held in her cry of pain and glared at the dragon. “I’m here to tell you to get the fuck out of Equestria!”

The dragon glared at the pony and sat up, the scales on his head scraping against the roof of the cave. “Whelp! Do you understand what I am?! I could eat you in ten seconds flat!”

“Funny.” said Rainbow. “That’s what I said to your mother last night.”

From outside the cave, the others heard the dragon’s enraged roar. Rainbow shot out of the cave and landed in front of them.

“So…” she began as the mountain shook. “Talking with the dragon didn’t work out so good.”

The dragon roared as he rushed out of the cave. He breathed fire at the ponies, who were forced to back up into a large rock. “FOOLS!” he roared. “I AM A DRAGON! EATER OF PONIES! BUTCHER OF GRIFFONS! RULER OF GODS! I AM-”

“IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, MISTER!” yelled a voice. The other ponies were shocked to see Fluttershy fly towards the dragon.

“WHO DARES-” began the dragon. He was cut off when Fluttershy landed on his face and punched him in the eye.

“I DARE!” Fluttershy screamed as the dragon howled. “THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS YOU’RE YELLING AT! YOU NEVER YELL AT MY FRIENDS! EVER!”

“But-” began the dragon. He was silenced with another punch to the eye.

“BUT NOTHING!” yelled Fluttershy. She took a deep breath and said, “Let me explain to you how things are going to go. You are going to stop yelling at my friends, you’re going to get your things, and you’re going to move somewhere else so you don’t cover Equestria in smoke. Understand?!”

“Ok, ok!” said the dragon. “I’ll do whatever you want! Just don’t hit me again!”

The dragon headed back into the cave, his tail between his legs.

Meanwhile:

Boss Pitt smiled at the massive piles of gold and gems. “Alright, boys!” He turned and faced the tunnel the Diamond Dogs had made in the cave wall. “Get my treasure!”

The rest of the pack moved and started grabbing as much treasure as they could carry. Boss Pitt smirked and looked around. He spotted a massive ruby on top of a large pile of gold. He made his way towards it, kicking coins aside as he walked. He grabbed the ruby and was starting to make his way down.

“Um…Boss?” said Rover as he watched Pitt slid down the pile of gold. “Shouldn’t we make sure the dragon’s gone? What if he comes back?”

Boss Pitt glared at Rover. “If that miserable dragon comes back, I’ll feed you to him for being so annoying! Now keep collecting my treasure, before I decide to-”

“YOUR TREASURE?!” roared a voice. Boss Pitt looked around and saw the dragon glaring at him. “THIS IS MY TREASURE!”

Boss Pitt looked at the dragon with wide eyes. “ROVER!” he screamed, looking around. “Help me!” He spotted the rest of the pack running into the tunnels.

Rover stood at the entrance to the tunnel, watching his former boss panic. “Sorry Boss. But I’m the one making the decisions now.” And with that, Rover turned walked down the tunnel.

Pitt looked from the tunnel to the massive dragon in front of him. “That son of a-” he began. The dragon roared and sent a massive wall of fire at the dog.

Back Outside:

The ponies watched as the dragon flew away, his treasure trove in his claws. Gold coins fell from the claws to the forest floor below.

“I can’t believe you managed to scare away a dragon!” said Twilight as she looked at Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash walked over to Fluttershy and said, “I’m sorry for what I said before. I didn’t mean to make you leave. You’re my friend and I should have realized that you were scared.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash.” she said as she hugged her friend. “I was fine once I put your name in my Revenge Journal.”

“In your what?” asked Rainbow.

“Nothing, nothing.” said Fluttershy quickly.

“Yes, well done Fluttershy.” said Rarity. She walked towards the cave.

“Where are you going?” asked Twilight.

“That dragon couldn’t have taken every piece of treasure in this cave.” said Rarity over her shoulder. “He must have left a jewel or two behind.”

Meanwhile, Rover was making his way back up the tunnel. The pack had seen the dragon fly away and, as the newly appointed leader, Rover was going to see if any treasure had been left behind. He reached the entrance to the tunnel and stopped when he heard a voice.

“It smells like burnt hair in here.” said the voice. A white pony walked into the cave and looked around. The cave was devoid of any treasure. She frowned. Her horn started to glow and she pointed her head to the side.

Rover watched as the pony made her way to the smoking corpse of Boss Pitt. “Ew.” he heard her say. Her horn glowed again and she lifted up the ruby that Boss Pitt had died for. “Thank goodness for my magic.” said the pony to herself. She put the ruby into the bag on her side. “I would never be able to find any jewels if I wasn’t able to use my magic to find them.”

Rover watched as the pony left the cave. He rubbed his chin and said, “Interesting…”

Hours Later, at Canterlot Castle:

Princess Luna strode out onto the balcony. “It seems as though your student was able to stop the dragon.”

“Uh huh.” said Princess Celestia as she gazed into her telescope. “I figured she’d be able to.”

“I am curious,” said Luna, “Why didn’t you send the guards to deal with this dragon? Isn’t it still their job to protect Equestria from threats?”

Celestia looked up from her telescope. “Kind of…”

Luna looked expectantly at her sister. “And you didn’t send them because…?”

Celestia looked around nervously. “Because…I might have…kind of…set up the Captain of the Guard to go on a blind date. With Princess Cadance.”

“…” Luna stared at her sister. “And that’s more important than Equestria’s safety?”

Celestia shook her head. “No! But…but…they’re just so perfect together!”

Luna sighed and rubbed her eyes. She looked towards the telescope. “I suppose you were watching the date like some sort of voyeur?”

Celestia looked at the ground guiltily. “Maybe…”

“Well,” said Luna, “It could be worse. At least you weren’t masturbating while you were watching, right?”

Celestia was silent as she looked at the ground.

“…Are you fucking serious?” asked Luna.

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