Wrecking the Place (At the Gala, At the Gala)
In the royal gardens, Spike watched as Rarity walked over to a rose and sniffed it, noticing that her eyes kept gazing back at him. Smiling, he made his way over to her.
“Hello,” he said, “I am Prince Blueblood.”
Rarity blushed slightly as she smiled at him. “I am Rarity.”
“That’s a lovely rose you’re smelling,” said Spike. He picked it up and waved it in front of Rarity’s face before quickly pinning it to his collar. “I think I’ll take it. You don’t need it after all.” He smirked slightly.
“I…don’t need it?” repeated Rarity, frowning.
“That’s right,” said Spike smugly. “You don’t-”
Rarity giggled suddenly, cut Spike off. “Prince Blueblood, you charmer!” she said.
“I…what?” asked Spike, confused.
“I don’t need the rose because I’m already beautiful enough without it,” said Rarity, “And you took it because, while you are certainly handsome, the rose gives you a suave, sophisticated look. Besides, it goes with your eyes.”
“…It does?” asked Spike.
“Of course it does!” said Rarity. She batted her eyelashes and said, “Perhaps you can accompany me on a stroll? We can talk more about ourselves as we go.”
Spike blinked, but recovered. With a forced grin, he said, “That sounds…lovely…”
Meanwhile:
Photo Finish watched from behind the tree as Fluttershy walked around the garden in her attempt to find animals. “Yes, Flootershy…” she muttered, “Soon you’ll be all mine…”
“Miss Finish?” asked a voice.
Photo jumped and whirled around, coming face-to-face with her two assistants. “High Style! Powder Rouge! Don’t interrupt me when I am ogling my prey!” she hissed.
“Apologies Miss Finish,” said Powder Rouge, “We just wanted to let you know that the preparations are complete.”
“You mean-?” began Photo.
“Yeah!” said High Style. “Your romantic garden picnic has been set up!”
“Excellent!” said Photo, rubbing her hooves deviously. “Now all we have to do is lure Flootershy over to it! And then I will be there and ask her to join me! Then she will accept and fall in love with me! And we will get married and go on our honeymoon and make love for hours and-”
“Miss Finish?” interrupted Rouge. “Miss Fluttershy left.”
“What?!” said Photo, running out from behind the tree. “When? How?!”
“She left while you were rambling!” said Style cheerfully. “I think she heard some animals or something.”
“We must find her at once!” said Photo Finish. “My loins depend on it!” She ran off, forcing her two assistants to chase after her.
Meanwhile:
“Goddammit!” muttered Rainbow Dash as she tried to push her way past the noisy crowd of ponies. “I go to the bathroom for one second, and everyone decides to bother the Wonderbolts! Don’t they know I want to bother the Wonderbolts?!” She shoved two partygoers aside and made her way over to Spitfire, who was talking to a stallion.
“Hey!” shouted Rainbow over the noise. “What’s going on?!”
“Just some fans wanting to ask some questions!” shouted Spitfire. She turned back to the stallion she was talking to and said, “The carpet does match the drapes! Thanks for asking!”
“Thanks for answering!” said the stallion. “I’ve been curious about it for a while.”
“I know,” said Spitfire. “Lots of ponies have been asking about my new house. I don’t mind answering questions about what it looks like on the inside.”
“…What new house?” asked the stallion.
Meanwhile:
“So,” said Princess Celestia, “What brings you to the Gala, Chrissy?”
Queen Chrysalis, who was standing at Celestia’s side, gave a forced smile. “I see you still remember that…charming nickname you gave me. How…wonderful…” She cleared her throat and said, “I was in the area and sensed a whole lot of love coming from this place. I figured you were having some sort of party, so I decided to drop in to surprise you. Besides,” she gestured to the room before them, “I’d never miss the chance to visit your beautiful castle.”
Celestia smiled. “Well, I hope you enjoy the visit. How’s your hive coming along?”
“Oh, you know,” said Chrysalis, “Dark, dingy, slimy, plus the fear that some monster will come along and start slaughtering us.”
“…Sounds…nice?” said Twilight hesitantly.
“It’s not all bad, Twibright,” said Chrysalis.
“Twilight,” corrected Twilight.
“Our hive may not be much, but it’s home,” said Chrysalis. “Although, I wouldn’t say no to living in a castle like this. In fact…” she leaned in close to Twilight, her eyes glowing green. “I would kill for it.”
There was an uncomfortable silence as Twilight and Chrysalis stared at each other. Suddenly Chrysalis and Celestia burst out laughing.
“Relax, Twilight!” laughed Celestia. “Chrysalis always makes that joke just to make ponies nervous.”
“Right!” agreed Chrysalis. “Just a little joke!”
“Ha…ha…” laughed Twilight uncomfortably. She tried to avoid looking into the Changeling’s glowing eyes, which had not dimmed in the slightest.
Meanwhile:
“Thank ya kindly!” said Applejack as a rich-looking stallion paid for his food. Behind him was a line of similarly well-to-do ponies.
The stallion, who was about to take a bite of the apple he bought, froze. “What did you just say?” he asked suspiciously.
“O-oh!” said Applejack. She cleared her throat and said in her posh accent, “Thank you for your purchase.”
The stallion smiled and chomped down on the apple. “For a second there,” he said with a full mouth, “I thought you were a dirty country bumpkin. Can you imagine?” He laughed, spraying apple bits everywhere.
“…I’m terribly sorry,” said Applejack, frowning, “But why is that so amusing?”
The stallion swallowed the apple mush in his mouth and said, “Why, the very idea of an unwashed, smelly earth pony pushing their disgusting poor people food at an event like the Grand Galloping Gala is ridiculous. They’re not like us, dear. We’re better than they are.”
The line behind the stallion muttered in agreement.
“…You don’t say…” said Applejack, gritting her teeth in a painful-looking smile.
Meanwhile:
Pinkie Pie grunted as she was dropped on the floor outside the ballroom. “What gives?!” she asked, whirling around to face the large bearded pony. “Why are you kicking me out? I was just grinding!”
“Miss, you were physically assaulting the other partygoers and shouting something about experience points,” said the bouncer.
“Duh!” said Pinkie, rolling her eyes. “How else was I supposed to get them on my level?”
The bouncer stared at Pinkie for a moment before shutting the door to the ballroom on her.
“Aw nuts…” said Pinkie. “Now what am I-”
The door suddenly opened, revealing the bouncer, who appeared to be carrying something.
“Are you letting me back in?” asked Pinkie excitedly.
“No,” said the bouncer, “But I am bringing you some company.” He dropped Vinyl Scratch on the floor beside Pinkie.
“What’s the big idea?!” yelled Vinyl. “I wasn’t even doing anything!”
“Miss, we’ve told you that we have the entertainment covered with Miss Octavia’s group. We don’t need you asking for some ‘phat beats’,” replied the bouncer.
Vinyl pressed her hoof against her face. “I was at the refreshment table! I just wanted some of the beets that were available to eat.”
“Oh,” said the bouncer, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “…You’re still violating the dress code. You need formal attire to attend the party.”
Vinyl looked down at her bare body and then up at the bouncer. “Who cares? We’re ponies, we don’t usually wear anything anyway!”
“You need to for this party,” said the bouncer. With that, he walked back into the ballroom, shutting the door behind him.
“Oh yeah?!” yelled Vinyl, kicking the door in frustration. “Who needs your stupid party anyway? The music sucks and the room smells like rich people farts!” When she got no response she huffed and turned away from the door. “I should’ve just taken Photo up on her offer to get me a dress…”
“Hey,” said Pinkie, “You did the music at Rarity’s fashion show, right?”
“Yeah,” said Vinyl. She stared at Pinkie for a moment. “…Weren’t you one of the models? Didn’t you have a giant cupcake on your head?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Pinkie quickly. “What if I told you that I had a plan to liven up the party in there?”
Vinyl smiled and stepped closer to Pinkie. “I’m listening.”
Meanwhile:
“Hmm…” muttered Fluttershy looking around. “I don’t know why I haven’t seen any animals yet. They are here…right?” She sighed and turned around. “Maybe I should just head back to the…” She trailed off as she spotted something by one of the trees. “What the hell?”
On the ground next to the tree was a box propped up on a stick. Lying underneath the box was a bowl of salad.
“What is this?” asked Fluttershy. She frowned and quietly walked closer to examine the bowl of salad, which she noticed had a rope tied around it. “A trap?” said Fluttershy to herself as she stepped away from the bowl. “But why would someone set a trap in a garden full of…rare…animals…”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as she came to a conclusion. “Poachers!” she whispered to herself, looking around. “They must be after the Princess’s animals. I need to find them and stop them! By brutally beating the shit out of each and every one of them!”
With a mighty roar, Fluttershy charged down the garden path, determined to find and pummel the poachers.
High Style, Powder Rouge, and Photo Finish walked out of the bushes and watched Fluttershy run off.
“Uh-oh…” said Style.
“This isn’t good…” muttered Rouge.
“I know…” said Photo. She frowned and kicked the salad bowl over. “Flootershy apparently hates salad.”
“What?” asked Rouge incredulously.
“Well, why else would she run off?” asked Photo.
“To beat up the ponies she thinks are poachers!” said Style.
“Hate to be those guys,” said Photo.
“We are those guys!” yelled Rouge. “It was your trap that made her think that there were ponies trying to steal the Princess’s animals!”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” huffed Photo Finish. “The only thing I want to steal is my little Flootershy’s gentle heart!”
“I AM SO ENRAGED RIGHT NOW!” they heard Fluttershy scream. “WHEN I FIND YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, I’LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!”
Photo sighed dreamily as her two assistants grew pale. “Isn’t her voice lovely?”
Meanwhile:
Rainbow Dash frowned as she watched partygoers crowd around the Wonderbolts. “This is bullshit…” she muttered. “I need to do something to get everyone’s attention…” She noticed a bored looking stallion with a top hat and a monocle next to her. Smirking, she ran forward and head-butted him into the air.
As the stallion soared through the air, screaming soprano, Rainbow quickly raced forward and caught him on her back. She smirked at the stallion and asked, “Are you okay?”
“Why does it feel like someone head-butted my balls?” whimpered the stallion in a high-pitched voice, tears rolling down his face.
Rainbow Dash ignored the stallion and looked over to where Spitfire was…only to be disappointed when she saw that the Wonderbolt’s back was to her as she chatted with another mare.
“Dammit!” swore Rainbow, knocked the stallion off her back. “Assaulting that random partygoer didn’t work! I’ll have to assault more ponies in order to get Spitfire’s attention!”
Someone behind her cleared their throat.
Rainbow Dash turned around to see the bouncer glaring at her over his sunglasses.
“…Just kidding?” said Rainbow, smiling nervously at the large stallion.
As Rainbow Dash found herself getting escorted out of the room by the bouncer, Pinkie and Vinyl quietly entered the ballroom. The two ponies stealthily made their way to the stage, where the band was still playing classical music.
As Pinkie and Vinyl disappeared backstage, Rarity and a Blueblood-disguised Spike walked into the room.
“I’m having a lovely time with you,” said Rarity, smiling up at Spike.
“How?!” asked Spike. “I have done nothing but talk about how Celestia runs her daily court. I went into excruciating detail on how the law-making process is conducted! You didn’t find it boring? At all?!”
“Of course not, darling!” said Rarity. “In fact, I think it’s rather admirable that you know so much about how the kingdom is run. It shows that you care a lot about the state of Equestria.”
“But I don’t!” said Spike. “Twilight just told me that she was busy one day. I got bored and decided to sit in on Celestia’s court.”
“Twilight?” repeated Rarity. “Twilight Sparkle. You know her?”
“Yeah, of course I do,” said Spike offhandedly. “We’ve slept in the same bedroom, after all.”
“…I see…” said Rarity, frowning. “Then you two are…together?”
Spike nearly gagged. “Me? With Twilight?” He shuddered. “No. Not ever. She’s like a sister to me.”
Rarity gave a sigh of relief. “Oh good.” She laughed and said, “And here I thought we’d make her upset when we announce that we’re lovers!”
“No,” said Spike absent-mindedly. “I think she’ll be fine with it.”
Rarity squealed in delight. “I’m so glad you feel the same way, darling!”
“The same way?” repeated Spike, confused. “But all you said is that we’re going to announce that we’re…” He paused and his eyes grew wide as he realized what he had inadvertently agreed with. “W-Wait!” he said. “I didn’t mean-”
Rarity squealed again and said, “Oh, I’m so excited! Please excuse me for a moment, darling! I want to go tell my friends about us!” She rushed off, leaving Spike alone.
“B-but…I…” muttered Spike. He sighed and slammed his hoof into his forehead. “Son of a bitch…” he muttered.
Up on stage, the band bowed to the partygoers, who clapped politely. A classy-looking mare with a pink bow smiled at the audience as she stood back up. The band got ready to play another song, and-
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?” blared music from behind the curtain, making everyone jump. The curtains rose, revealing Vinyl Scratch as she sat behind her equipment. She smiled at the partygoers and bobbed her head to the music.
“Excuse me!” yelled the classy-looking mare. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“Giving these ponies some real music!” yelled Vinyl. “Thanks for being the opening act, by the way.”
“Opening act?!” said the mare. “We’re tonight’s entertainment! I’m Octavia Melody for fuck’s sake!”
“Whatever gets you through the day, lady,” said Vinyl dismissively. “Now sit back and let a pro handle the crowd!”
Pinkie bounced over to Octavia and said, “Isn’t it great? Now you guys can get a break and Vinyl can liven up the party!”
Octavia ignored Pinkie and turned back to her band. “Frederic!” she yelled. “Break out the Stirling!”
The stallion at the piano quickly hopped off his seat and ran to the side of the stage. He picked up a case and brought it back to Octavia.
“What are you doing?” asked Pinkie as she watched Octavia open the case.
Octavia stood up, holding a violin in her hooves. “Showing this upstart how a true musician performs.”
“Is that a challenge?” asked Vinyl, peering over her sunglasses at Octavia.
“I’m sorry, let me correct that,” said Octavia. “I’m going to show you how a musician period performs. As in, with an actual instrument that requires skill to use.”
“Wow!” said Pinkie as she watched the two ponies get ready to perform. “Two music acts? Now this party will be twice as good!” She laughed and said, “And to think, all I had to do was sneak back into the room I was kicked out of and interrupt the scheduled performance!”
Someone behind her cleared their throat.
Pinkie turned around to see the bouncer glaring at her over his sunglasses.
“…Just kidding?” said Pinkie, smiling nervously at the large stallion.
As Pinkie found herself being carried out of the room by the bouncer, Rainbow Dash quietly snuck back into the room and made her way back to the Wonderbolts.
Meanwhile:
“And then he mentioned some sort of relationship with Twilight,” continued Rarity as she leaned against Applejack’s stand. “I thought they had some sort of affair, but he seemed quite disturbed when I suggested that they were together.”
“Mm-hmm,” said Applejack, nervously handing another pony an apple pie.
“And then I brought up our blossoming relationship and he said he would be my lover! Isn’t that just romantic?” asked Rarity.
“Mm-hmm…” said Applejack, quickly handing another pony some apple juice.
Rarity looked at Applejack. “Are you alright, dear?” she asked. “You haven’t said a single word. Are you sick?”
“Mm-mmm,” said Applejack, shaking her head. She looked at all the ponies in line and then back to Rarity.
“Then why won’t you say anything?” asked Rarity. “Have I done something to make you upset? Just tell me what’s wrong!”
Applejack sighed and muttered, “Fuck it.” She looked at Rarity and said in her normal voice, “Ah ain’t mad at ya, Sugarcube. You probably should get back to your prince, though.”
Rarity gasped and said, “You’re absolutely right! What if some gold-digging harlot comes to steal him away!”
“Weren’t ya interested in him just so you could become royalty?” asked Applejack.
“Quiet darling,” said Rarity. “This is romance.” She quickly ran back inside the castle.
Applejack turned her head back to the line of ponies, who were muttering amongst themselves.
“Can you believe that accent?” loudly whispered a mare.
“She sounds like an uncultured hayseed,” said another.
“YOU TALK FUNNY!” yelled a stallion, pointing his hoof at Applejack.
“Ya know what?!” yelled Applejack. “Fuck ya’ll! Ah’ve been standin’ here all night listenin’ to you jackasses goin’ on and on about how your so much better than ‘dirty country bumpkins’!” She reached down, grabbed her hat, and slammed it on her head. “Ah’m an Apple and proud of it! Ah’ve worked hard to get where Ah am, and Ah’m not gonna pretend to be one of you just to make a couple of lousy bits!”
“Oh my god!” gasped a mare in the line.
“She’s getting angry!” shrieked another. “Someone call the police!”
“Quick!” shouted a stallion. “Let’s go inside! Her poor pony germs can’t get us in there!”
The ponies in line quickly dispersed and ran back into the castle, leaving Applejack alone.
“Well…” she sighed, “Ah guess Ah took a stand…and ruined mah business along with it.”
“Finally!” said a voice. “I’ve been in line for hours!”
Applejack looked up and saw Soarin’ standing in front of her. “…Ya did hear me talk, right?” she asked. “Ah’m just some yokel from Ponyville, not a fancy Canterlot pony.”
“And I’m just a hungry customer,” said Soarin’, “Not some elitist asshole. I don’t really care where you come from as long as your food’s good.”
Applejack smiled and said, “Well, ya don’t have to worry about that, partner. Ah’ve got plenty of food for ya.”
“Then I’ll have one apple pie, please,” said Soarin’.
Applejack got the pie off the shelf and set it down in front of Soarin’. “It’s on the house, Sugarcube. Ah’ve had enough of runnin’ this stand for one night.”
“Thanks,” said Soarin’. “So…what are you going to do? All your customers left.”
Applejack shrugged. “Probably head inside and find mah friends. Most of them are inside.”
“Most?” asked Soarin’ as he starting eating his pie.
“Yeah,” said Applejack, “Fluttershy said she wanted to see the animals, so she’s probably out in the gardens. She’s probably having a blast.”
Meanwhile:
Fluttershy tore down a net from the tree branch above her and threw it on the ground. “YOU POACHERS CAN’T HIDE FOREVER!” she screamed.
Photo Finish frowned as she hid in the bushes. “Nothing seems to be working…”
“How was a net supposed to help you take her on a romantic picnic?” asked Powder Rouge.
“I was going to catch Flootershy in the net and take her to the picnic,” said Photo.
“…I’m pretty sure that’s kidnapping,” said High Style.
“I’ve got it!” said Photo, ignoring her assistants. “Flootershy likes animals, correct? What if I had an animal with me and she saw me? She’d follow me right to the picnic!”
“Or,” said Rouge, “Because she thinks that there are poachers around, she’ll beat the ever-loving shit out of you.”
“Nonsense,” scoffed Photo Finish. “I think I know my Flootershy a little bit better than you. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
Meanwhile:
As the music played from her speakers, Vinyl smiled at Octavia and said, “You know, you’re pretty good…for someone who likes classical.”
Octavia gave Vinyl a smirk as she played her violin. “And you’re not half bad for someone who lets a computer do her work for her.”
“I think you both rock!” said Pinkie excitedly. She turned and nudged the pony next to her. “Don’t you think so, Lockdown?”
The bouncer glared at her and said, “Miss, do I really have to follow you around all night to make sure you won’t sneak back in here?”
“Probably,” nodded Pinkie.
As Pinkie was carried out of the room, Twilight, Celestia, and Chrysalis entered the ballroom. “Finally! We can enjoy ourselves!” said Celestia.
“Are you sure it was a good idea to have those two guards greet people?” asked Chrysalis.
Meanwhile:
Gung-Ho Guard furiously shook the stallion’s hoof. “WELCOME TO THE PARTY. MAKE ANY FUNNY MOVES AND I’LL TAKE YOU DOWN.”
Depressed Guard nodded his head towards the mare in front of him. “Have a good time. Hopefully the bright lights, loud music, and tasty food will distract you from the fact that everyone you love will die one day.”
Back in the ballroom:
“I’m sure it’s fine,” said Celestia with a shrug. She turned her gaze back to the room and smiled. “Well, Twilight, it seems that Rarity’s having a good time.”
Twilight looked and saw that Rarity was chatting with Prince Blueblood, who was nervously looking around the room. “Huh,” said Twilight, “She actually managed to spend time with Prince Blueblood.”
“…Why does he look like he wants to get the hell out of there?” asked Chrysalis.
Oh my god, thought Spike, I need to get the hell out of here! He attempted to move, but Rarity moved with him, not pausing in her chatter. Dammit! Why isn’t this working?! “Miss Rarity,” he said out loud, “This evening has been enjoyable, but I really must be going…”
“It’s alright, darling,” said Rarity. “I know why you’re so distressed.”
Oh god, does she know I’m not Blueblood? thought Spike. “Y-you do?”
“You’re just shy!” said Rarity. “Don’t be. You’re a wonderful stallion and I’m having a lovely time.”
No! “But I’m not a wonderful stallion!” complained Spike. “I lie, I cheat on my taxes, I kick puppies! I have zero redeeming qualities!”
“Oh my!” gasped Rarity. “Such humility! You’re meeting all of my standards!”
“But-” began Spike. He was cut off when Rarity put her hoof over his lips.
“Shh…” she shushed. “I don’t want to hear you disparage yourself anymore. I want you to know that, in these past few hours, my silly little crush on you has developed into passionate love.”
Oh no… Spike thought with dread. “L-love?” he murmured. “You love Blu…me?”
“Is that so hard to believe?” asked Rarity, lowering her hoof from his lips. “If you don’t believe me…maybe a kiss will be able to convince you.” She batted her eyelashes and waited for his response.
Spike’s mind was racing. Ok…enough pussyfooting around, Spike, he thought as he stared at Rarity. You need to tell Rarity that you don’t love her and never want to see her again. It’s the only way she’ll stop loving Blueblood. You can do it! Just crush her dreams and it will all be over! Sure, she’ll be heartbroken…and probably cry…and be miserable… He gazed into Rarity’s eyes. …Fuck. I’m going to hate myself for this…
“Miss Rarity,” he said gently, “Please allow me one trip to my chambers. I need to…to…” He faltered for a moment. “…I need to do something really quickly. I’ll be back. I promise.”
“O-oh…” said Rarity, frowning slightly. “Well…I suppose that’s alright. You’re not going to ditch me, are you?”
“Rarity,” Spike said with a smile, “The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you.” He leaned forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.” He turned and walked out of the ballroom, leaving Rarity to blush and touch the cheek he kissed with her hoof.
Spike quickly made his way down the hall to the potted plant he had hid the Shifting Stone in. Quickly unearthing it with his hoof, Spike touched the colorless gem and concentrated on his own body. A white glow enveloped Prince Blueblood’s body and, when it died down, Spike was back to his normal form.
Spike looked down at the Shifting Stone, which had turned black. Cracks appeared on it and it shattered, leaving its fragments in the dirt.
Spike looked down at his body. “…Still weird…” he muttered. Shaking his head, he quickly ran down the hall.
Within a few minutes, Spike found himself outside Blueblood’s room. Not caring about stealth, Spike threw open the door and walked inside.
Geoffrey the butler jumped to his hooves in surprise as he saw Spike enter the room, a small glass of whiskey and an adult magazine dropping from his grasp. He noticed Spike’s determined expression and sighed. “You’re here to let Blueblood out, aren’t you?”
“Afraid so,” said Spike. “Do you want a second to clean up?”
Geoffrey straightened his suit and said, “I’m alright. You can let him out.”
Spike nodded and moved towards the bathroom door. He raised his fist and knocked on it. “Prince Blueblood? Are you in there?”
There was a scoff from inside the bathroom. “Of course I’m still in here! Where the hell else could I have gone, you simpleton? Who the hell are you, anyway?”
“I’m Spike from Canterlot Locksmiths,” lied Spike. “I’m here to get you out.”
“It’s about time!” yelled Blueblood. “This better not take too-”
Spike quickly moved the chair away from the door and opened it, revealing Prince Blueblood.
“…Long,” finished Blueblood. He huffed and stepped out of the bathroom. “I hope you don’t expect a tip. It’s been hours since I was locked in.”
“Sorry, Your Highness,” said Spike.
Blueblood turned to look at him. “…Aren’t you that little lizard bastard that hung around Aunt Celestia’s student?” He smirked. “Well, it’s good to see you’ve found your true calling.”
“Unlocking doors?” asked Spike.
“Helping your betters,” clarified Blueblood. “In fact, I don’t think I need to pay you for this. Helping royalty is its own reward, after all.” Without waiting for Spike’s response, he turned to his butler. “Geoffrey, what took so long with my rescue?”
“I do apologize, sir,” said Geoffrey. “I was so distraught with the thought of you trapped, I felt faint. I had to sit down for a moment and drink something in order to get my strength back.”
“Good man,” said Blueblood. “How long have you been working for me, Geoffrey?”
“Two years, sir,” said Geoffrey.
“Keep up the good work and I may consider paying you one day,” said Blueblood. He straightened his tie and moved towards the door. “Now, if you two simpletons will excuse me, I’ve denied the partygoers the chance to see me long enough!”
“Oh, sir!” said Geoffrey. “There’s a situation in Princess Celestia’s statue garden that requires your attention. Her Majesty requested that you would be perfect for the job.”
“Of course she did!” said Blueblood. “Aunt Celestia knows that she can rely on my expertise!” He walked out of the room, leaving Spike and Geoffrey alone.
“She can count on your idiocy,” muttered Geoffrey. He turned to Spike and asked, “Am I correct in assuming that you were the one to trap Blueblood in the bathroom?”
“Uh…yeah?” said Spike, unsure if he was in trouble or not.
Geoffrey chuckled and said, “Good show, sir! I’ve been dying for a chance to lock him up somewhere!”
“Oh! Thanks, I guess,” said Spike, chuckling awkwardly. He quickly left the room, leaving the laughing butler alone.
Once he was out in the hallway, Spike saw Blueblood head towards the ballroom. “Well…” Spike muttered to himself, “I guess that’s that. I could head into the ballroom as myself…” The thought of watching Rarity fawn all over Blueblood made his stomach twist uncomfortably. “...Screw that,” he decided, “I’ve had enough of this castle for one night.” With his mind made up, Spike walked down the hallway and headed back towards the drawbridge.
Meanwhile:
Blueblood made as much noise as possible when he opened the doors to the ballroom, making everyone’s eyes turn to him. He smirked as he basked in the attention. “No worries everyone,” he said, “Your prince has arrived.”
“Blueblood, darling!” said Rarity, making her way over to him. “There you are!”
“Yes, yes, here I am,” said Blueblood, waving an impatient hoof. “Be a dear and get me a glass of Saint-Bris. And maybe bring me some of the hors d’oeuvres. I’m famished.”
“What?” asked Rarity.
“Oh…that’s right,” said Blueblood. “Aunt Luna drank all the wine. In that case, bring me whatever drink is available.” He clapped his hooves together. “Chop chop.”
“Do you think I’m a waitress?” asked Rarity, stunned.
“You’re not?” asked Blueblood. He looked Rarity over. “Oh…yes…” He pointed to the corner of the room. “I think I see a spill over there. Go clean it. Now.”
“I’m not a maid either!” shouted Rarity. “Don’t you remember me?!”
Blueblood looked closer at her. “Oh!” he said, his eyes growing wide. “Oh my god, how could I forget?”
“Finally,” said Rarity, smiling.
“Candi, right?” asked Blueblood. “I remember you from the last Gala.”
“What?!” asked Rarity.
“What were your rates again?” asked Blueblood. “30 bits for head, 100 for the full night?”
Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Are…are you implying that I look like a prostitute?!”
“Of course,” said Blueblood, as if it was obvious. “With the tacky dress and whorish make-up, what else would you be?”
Rarity’s face grew red and her eye twitched. Her horn glowed and a glass of punch floated in the air next to her. “Oh, Prince Blueblood,” she said with barely restrained contempt, “Don’t forget the drink you wanted.” She used her magic to throw the punch in Blueblood’s face.
Blueblood’s horn glowed and a handkerchief floated out of his suit pocket. “Alright,” he said, dabbing his face, “You don’t like the word ‘prostitute’. What about ‘harlot’?”
“WHAT ABOUT THIS?!” yelled Rarity, punching Blueblood in the face. The arrogant prince was knocked to the ground, blood coming out of his nose. Rarity huffed and stormed out of the ballroom, taking care to step on Blueblood as she did so.
“Guh…” muttered Blueblood, getting up on his hooves. “That bitch…I’ll sue her for every bit she’s got…”
There was a whistle to his side. Blueblood turned his head to see Rainbow Dash glaring at him.
“Hey, buddy?” she asked. She grabbed his suit collar and pulled him closer. “Nobody talks about my friends like that,” she growled. She slammed her head into Blueblood’s, causing the prince to flop back onto the floor. “ELEMENT OF LOYALTY, BITCH!” she yelled at the downed prince.
“Miss!” yelled Lockdown, running up to Rainbow Dash. “What did I say about-”
“Assaulting the guests, I know!” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m leaving.” She walked to the doors, where Applejack and Soarin’ had just walked in.
“Rainbow?” asked Applejack, spotting the pegasus walking towards her. “What are you-”
“Come on!” said Rainbow, gesturing. “Let’s go make sure Rarity’s ok.” She looked at Soarin’ and said, “Sorry about this. I’ll make sure to fangirl over you the next time I see you, ok?”
“Um…sure?” said Soarin’, watching as Rainbow Dash and Applejack left the room.
Twilight was staring at the scene in horror. “…Ok, Twilight,” she said, taking deep breaths, “Two of your friends just attacked royalty. I’m sure Princess Celestia will be completely understanding.”
Queen Chrysalis looked at her, her eyes glowing, “I’m sensing unhealthy levels of panic coming from you…as well as an overwhelming need to urinate.”
Celestia sighed and said, “Well…I always tried telling him to watch what he says around ponies.” She looked down at her hyperventilating student. “It’s fine, Twilight. Prince Blueblood is the one at fault here.”
Twilight let out a shaky sigh. “That’s a relief,” she said. She smiled and said, “At least nothing else can go wrong.”
Photo Finish suddenly burst through the doors, a small rabbit in her grasp. She ran into the room and hid herself amongst the crowd.
There was a loud screeching from the hallway outside. Suddenly, dozens of winged monkeys flew into the room and dove at the crowd. The ponies in the room started screaming and running around in a panic.
“Are those my winged monkeys?” asked Celestia as she raised an eyebrow at the scene. “Who let them out?”
“Fly my pretties, fly!” cackled Fluttershy as she walked into the room. “Find the poacher! Tear them apart!” She laughed wickedly at the screams of the ponies in the room.
“I don’t even know what’s happening anymore,” said Queen Chrysalis. She looked over at Twilight. "...I don't feel that need to urinate coming from you anymore."
“Twilight!” said Pinkie, running up to the stunned unicorn. “Fluttershy’s gone full Wicked this time!”
“…The book or the play?” asked Twilight.
“There was a book?!” yelled Pinkie.
“Um…Twilight?” said Celestia, leaning down to whisper to her. “You and your friends should probably get out of here. Don’t worry, Chrysalis and I have this covered.” She turned to address the Changeling. “Right?”
Chrysalis was gone, leaving no trace of where she went.
“…That sneaky bitch,” said Celestia.
Twilight and Pinkie ran over to Fluttershy. “Fluttershy!” yelled Twilight. “We have to go!”
“Not until we save that poor defenseless bunny!” said Fluttershy.
“…You mean the one over there?” asked Pinkie as she pointed to the buffet table, where the bunny was watching the chaos unfold.
“Oh,” said Fluttershy, calming down, “Alright, my job’s done. Let’s get the hell out of here.” The three mares quickly turned and ran out the door.
Meanwhile:
Spike sighed as he nibbled on a donut. He leaned against the counter, staring into his cup of hot chocolate.
“What’s got you down, kid?” asked the brown-haired stallion behind the counter.
“Joe, I gave up the chance to be with the woman I love,” said Spike, “And I let her fall in love with a douchebag.”
“That’s rough buddy,” said Joe. He set down another plate of donuts. “On the house. You look like you need ‘em.”
“Thanks Joe,” said Spike. “You’re the best.”
There was a moment of silence.
“…You know,” said Joe slowly, “Maybe going after mares isn’t for you. Maybe you could try…oh, I don’t know…a stallion? Maybe one that works in a donut shop?”
There was a moment of awkward silence as Spike and Joe stared at each other.
“…Hypothetically, of course,” said Joe.
Spike was spared from answering when the door to the shop opened. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity walked inside. “Spike?” asked Rarity. “Have you been here the whole time? We didn’t see you at all during the Gala.”
“I…” began Spike.
The door opened again and Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy walked into the room. “Spike!” said Twilight as the door shut behind her. “Where were you? You just up and disappeared at the Gala!”
“I…” began Spike.
Joe leaned across the counter and rested a hoof on Spike. “What’s it to you, huh? Maybe Spike was upset because six mares broke his heart!”
“Joe, it’s not like that,” said Spike, turning around. “These are my friends. It’s fine.”
“Dammit, Spike! Why won’t you love me?!” asked Joe desperately.
There was another awkward silence as everyone stared at the baker.
“…Hypothetically, of course,” said Joe quickly.
Spike hopped off his seat and walked over to the others. “Sorry I ditched you guys,” he said to them, “I…uh…had my own thing to do during the Gala. But what about you guys?” he asked, looking at all of them. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be enjoying the Gala?”
“Ha!” laughed Rarity mirthlessly. “And spend time with Prince Charmless? No, thank you.”
“Ah had to act like a Canterlot pony in order to make any sales,” said Applejack. She shuddered and said, “It was horrible.”
“…You do know I’m a Canterlot pony, right?” asked Twilight.
“It’s ok, Sugarcube,” said Applejack sympathetically. “Ah don’t think any less of you for it.”
“I had a good time at first,” said Rainbow Dash, “But I got tired with trying to compete with the crowd for the Wonderbolts’ attention.”
“…You realize, in order to make the team, you’re going to have to compete with others for the Wonderbolts’ attention?” asked Spike.
“That party was boring!” said Pinkie. “Except when Fluttershy made animals attack everyone. That was pretty cool.”
“In my defense,” said Fluttershy, a small blush on her face, “I was defending an animal from poachers.”
“You set wild animals on innocent ponies!” argued Twilight. “Pinkie and I had to convince you to leave.”
“…Worth it,” said Fluttershy.
Twilight sighed and said, “I just hope the Princess isn’t too mad at us…”
The door swung open again and Princess Celestia walked into the shop, flanked by her guards. “That was the best Gala ever!” she said excitedly.
“I enjoyed it,” said Depressed Guard. “It made me feel…what’s that word again?”
“HAPPY?” suggested Gung-Ho Guard.
“I don’t understand what that means,” said Depressed Guard.
“Wait…what?” questioned Twilight. “Princess, the Gala was a disaster!”
“Twilight,” said Celestia, “The Grand Galloping Gala is one of the most boring events I have the misfortune to be in charge of. I hoped that you and the others could liven things up when you got there.”
“…We assaulted your nephew and caused animals to attack the guests,” said Twilight.
“Good times,” said Celestia. “We should celebrate. Joe,” she called, getting the attention of the baker, “Your finest donuts please. Put it on my tab.”
The door opened again and High Style, Powder Rouge, and a miserable-looking Photo Finish wandered in. “I can’t believe it,” muttered Photo to her assistants, “Everything was ruined. Now I’ll never get to spend time with Floo-”
“Photo?” said Fluttershy. “What are you doing here?”
“Huh?” said Photo Finish, looking up. “Flootershy?”
“We’re about to eat some donuts,” said Fluttershy. “Would you like to join us?”
Photo blushed and stammered out, “W-well, I…we…uh…”
Powder Rouge put a hoof over her boss’s mouth and smiled at Fluttershy. “We’d love to,” she replied.
As High Style and Powder Rouge pulled Photo Finish over to sit next to Fluttershy, Spike walked over to Rarity. “Sorry things didn’t work out between you and Prince Blueblood,” he said consolingly.
Rarity sighed and said, “I just don’t get it. He was sweet and sincere when he left for his room. It’s almost like he was a different person when he came back.”
“Weird,” said Spike nervously. He smiled at Rarity and said, “Forget about that guy. If he can’t see you as the beautiful mare you are, then it’s his loss.”
Rarity smiled and leaned down to kiss Spike’s cheek. “You’re sweet,” she said. “If only more stallions were like you. You’re going to make some mare a very lucky pony one day.”
“Or some stallion!” said Joe, slamming a tray of donuts down on the table in front of them.
There was an awkward silence as Spike and Rarity stared at him.
“Hypothetically, of course,” said Joe quickly.
Twilight walked over to Celestia and said, “Is it okay that you’re here? Aren’t you supposed to be at the castle?”
Celestia laughed and said, “I have some ponies in charge of cleaning up the Gala, so it’s fine.” She smiled at Twilight as Joe set down a tray of donuts in front of them. “Just relax and have fun, Twilight. What could possibly happen while I’m away?”
“I guess you’re right,” said Twilight. She smiled and reached for a donut.
“Of course I’m right,” said Celestia. “I’m always right, Twilight. Donut forget it!” Everyone but Twilight laughed at her pun.
Twilight sighed and pulled her hoof back to rub her forehead. “I hate all of you,” she muttered. Despite her claim, a small smile was on her face. She reached out again and grabbed the donut, ready to enjoy the night with her friends.
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...... so THAT is how Chrysalis got in.... honestly I kinda hope the Wedding Invasion is some kind of Changeling Wedding present.
Took me a while to get the joke but I managed to ketchup with everyone else. I really do relish the chances I get to make food puns.
My Little Pony: Fuck My Life.
That is what it means, right?
I didn't even know there was a book on Wicked!
Great work, man! Looking forward to Season 2, especially FML Discord...
6794600 You got it!
Season 1 complete!
This is gonna backfire on him.
See?
... You need help.
Clearly they don't care.
Figured as much.
Quite...
Please tell me that's not literal.
Oh dear. And wouldn't it be poor pony food?
This won't end well.
You dense motherbucker.
Hardly.
You're breaking character.
Oho! Battle of the Bands!
Idiots.
Wise philosophy.
It is.
Respectful Rivals, I can dig that.
Asshole.
You're too good a pony. He's now and forever voiced by Alfred.
...
OOOH!
YOU IDIOT!
I'd have made the reference if you hadn't I admit.
Yes. Also, clever refrence.
Riiiight.
Yes, but you're not a snooty elitist/racist. You're a bit rude sometimes and a bit awkward at worst.
IDIOT!
Stirling...Stirling...what does that remind me of...?
OH! I got it!
Okay, five bits says that Chysalis will be kidnapping Princess Cadance in the next chapter, or some other related shenanigans.
6795688 Glad someone got that reference. This is what I imagine Octavia and Vinyl sounding like during the chapter.
6795730 I wonder how many hilariously failed attempts she'll make before she succeeds.
I for one wish to see more of naive Spitfire.
"You're meeting all of my standards!"
I think this was my favorite part.
I have spotted a similarity...
6798023 What?! No! Don't be ridiculous!
*Quietly turns off Undertale*
I have one question. What are you going to do with discord? The only route I can see is making him sane.
6798821 Let's just say that Discord has a goal that he wants to accomplish, rather than just doing things for shits and giggles like in the show. He'll still do things for shits and giggles, but he has a reason for doing what he does.
6795797
...and those stuffy Canterlot types probably stood there with their mouths hanging open and blank looks on their faces.
I wanna see Discord now. Will Bill Cipher be joining him?
6798830 Because he's Grimdark Psycho Cannibal Discord and wants to eat all the ponies and slowly siphon off their screaming souls as they digest in abject agony?
6795099 Pony Ball Z: Abridged: Forget My Life
And after all the funny stuff happens to them they all have a fancy barbeque with a god-damned pig.
Great times at the Gala!
NYEH HEH HEH!
6805944
Hypothetically, of course.
Reading this makes me want to see a Human In Equestria fic where he builds paintball weapons and works alongside Luna to snipe some grandstanding nobles.
"Twenty miles out, wind direction south by southeast at five miles an hour, pink mare with the gaudiest dress you've probably ever seen."
"Eh, I don't know, I think it looks alright."
"Seriously?"
____
"You hillbilly dirt ponies aren't even worth my-" SPLAT! Green paint explodes over her side. "DRESS! MY DRESS IS RUINED! THE HORROR!"
____
"Direct hit."
"Nice. Now it's our turn."
____
"Security check!" I draw two paintpistols from my tux, and begin systematically slaughtering the attendees. The guards are too shocked by the sudden and brutal assault that they don't even start moving until half the room is splatted. "Well, boys, looks like you have some explaining to do."
...Undertale