MLP: FML

by Maniac92

Meeting the Loco Locals

"I was right! This SUCKS!" yelled Twilight. She and Spike were riding in a chariot and were making their way towards Ponyville. "I mean, I find out that an ancient evil is coming, and instead of being all 'Oh, thank you for bringing that to my attention Twilight', Princess Celestia's reaction was basically 'Shut up and check on my party'."

"Well yeah...but at least she gave you a library to stay at." said Spike. He looked out at the horizon, "And at least the view's nice."

"That it is, Spike." said Twilight. Instead of looking at the horizon, she was staring at the backsides of the two guards that were pulling the chariot. "That. It. Is." Slightly drooling, Twilight shook her head and turned her attention back to Spike, "I can use that library to find some proof that I'm right and that Nightmare Moon is returning." She looked into the distance and saw that they were approaching Ponyville.

"But what about that whole 'You need to get out of the library and make some friends' thing that the Princess wants you to do?" asked Spike.

"Hey!" yelled Twilight. She glared at Spike. "Who's in charge here?"

"Uh...you?" guessed Spike.

"Right! So I'll be deciding what we do and what we should be worrying about." said Twilight authoritatively, "Besides, saving all life as we know it is a bit more important than making friends, don't you think?"

Before Spike could answer, the chariot landed in the middle of town. Twilight hopped out and walked over to the guards. "Thank you for the ride, sirs."

The two guards stood up proudly. "THANK YOU MISS!" bellowed one. "HAPPY TO SERVE!"

"Calm down," said Spike as he hopped out, "You two are pretty much glorified cab drivers."

"WE ARE NOT!" the guard continued to shout. He paused and turned to the guard next to him, "...ARE WE?" he shouted with uncertainty.

"...We kinda are..." said the other morosely. He hung his head in shame.

"DAMN IT!" hollered the first guard.

"Spike, come on." said Twilight as she started to walk away, "The sooner we check on these stupid preparations, the sooner I can go to the library and research Nightmare Moon."

Spike caught up with Twilight and said, "Look, I know this isn't something you want to do, but maybe you can actually learn something from the ponies that live here."

Twilight was silent for a few moments. "...Well..." she said hesitantly, "I do like learning things..."

"There you go!" cheered Spike. "Maybe the ponies here like learning things too!"

"You're right!" said a suddenly cheerful Twilight. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all!"

"That's the spirit! Look," said Spike as he pointed to an approaching pony, "Maybe she'll have something in common with you."

Twilight looked at the pony that was walking towards the two of them. She was a pink pony with balloons as her Cutie Mark and was cheerfully humming something. She stopped in front of Spike and looked at both of them with curiosity.

"Try talking to her!" Spike advised.

Twilight smiled nervously and said, "H-hello. My name is-"

The pink pony's eyes bulged out of her sockets. She gasped and leapt into the air as her head started to spin around. She then landed back on the ground and ran off.

"...Spike?" asked Twilight.

"Um..." said a confused Spike.

"I changed my mind. I want to go home." said Twilight with finality.

"Me too." agreed Spike. "But we can't. We have to check on the festival stuff."

Twilight groaned. "Fine, what's first?" she asked.

Spike pulled a scroll out from...somewhere...and looked at it. "Let's look at The Summer Sun Celebration for Dummies." He paused and read the checklist. "It says that the first thing we need to do is check the banquet preparations at Sweet Apple Acres."

"How are we supposed to know where this 'Sweet Apple Acres' is?" asked Twilight.

One convenient scene transition later...

"Wow." said Spike. He and Twilight were standing at the gate of a huge apple orchard. "That was convenient."

"YEEHAW!" shouted a voice.

Spike and Twilight watched as an orange pony with a cowboy hat run up and kick a tree right in its trunk. Apples fell from the tree into several baskets that were set up around the trunk.

Twilight sighed and walked over to her, "Hello, my name is-"

The orange pony glared at Twilight and said fiercely, "Ah told ya before, we don't need any of yer fancy-pants in-sure-ance! Here at Sweet Apple Acres, we kin take care of ourselves!"

"Sis." said a large red stallion as he walked past. "The barn's on fire again."

The orange pony sighed and asked, "Caramel?"

The red stallion nodded, "Caramel."

"I jUsT DoN'T knOW wHAT went WRonG!" screeched an insane looking tan stallion as he walked past.

Twilight was silent for a few moments before saying nervously, "I-I'm not here to sell insurance. My name is Twilight Sparkle and I'm here to check on the banquet for the festival."

The orange pony gripped Twilight's leg and shook it furiously. "Well, why didn't ya say so? Mah name's Applejack! Good ta meet ya!"

"P-P-Please let goooooooo..." asked Twilight as her voice shook with her leg.

"Say!" said Applejack, finally letting go of Twilight, "How's about you sample some of our dishes?"

"Sure." said Twilight. "So long as it doesn't take too long-"

"BRING OUT EVERYTHIN'!" Yelled Applejack. "WE GOT A HUNGRY ONE HERE!"

The next thing Twilight knew, she was in front of a table while what seemed like hundreds of ponies surrounded her. Each of them came up and laid a plate of food on the table, while Applejack introduced them all.

"Well, let's see. There's Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Gold Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apple, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp," Applejack had to take a breath at this point, "Big Macintosh," she pointed to the red stallion from before, "Apple Bloom," She pointed to a small filly who was balancing a large cake on her back, "And Granny Smith." Applejack turned Twilight towards an old green pony who was asleep in her rocking chair.

Granny Smith woke up at the sound of her name, glared at the whole Apple family and said, "If any of ya try and put me in a home, I'll write the whole lot of ya outta my will!"

Applejack grimaced and pointed to the crazy-looking tan stallion from before, "And then there's Caramel, who 'helps' out from time to time."

"The VOiceS tEll mE to BURN EVERYTHING!" Yelled Caramel.

"W-Well..." said Twilight. "It looks like you have the food situation well in hoof here. I'll just be-"

"A-Aren't ya gonna stay for brunch?" said a voice.

Twilight looked down to find herself staring into the pleading eyes of Apple Bloom. "Uh...no, no...you see, I don't much like apples so..."

The entire Apple family froze and stared at Twilight.

"What did ya'll say?" growled Applejack.

"I...I don't like apples?" repeated Twilight.

"Oh really?" said Applejack as she walked closer to Twilight. "Well then, what do ya like?" She glared at Twilight.

"Uh...uh...pears?" suggested Twilight.

The Apple family gasped and a few ponies fainted.

"Pears, huh?" said Applejack. She came even closer to Twilight. "Do ya'll know what we do to pear-lovers 'round here?"

"Yes. Do you?" asked a brown stallion that appeared to have come out of nowhere. He had an hourglass as a Cutie Mark and was glaring at Twilight.

"Doc?" asked Applejack, pausing her glare at Twilight to look quizzically at the brown stallion. "What're you doin' here?"

"I was walking by when I heard somepony," At this, the Doctor glared at Twilight, "say the P-word."

"Parsnips?" asked Spike.

"Yes, parsni- NO!" yelled the Doctor. "Pears, you daft dragon! P-E-A-R-S! By the way," he turned to Applejack, "I found an apple in that dressing gown I borrowed."

"Sorry, partner." said Applejack. "That's Big Mac's old robe."

"He keeps apples in his dressing gown?"

"Did I say I like pears?!" Twilight nervously interrupted. "I meant, that I love...apples?"

"Oh! Then why didn't ya say so?" said Applejack. The heavy mood that had set over the Apple family disappeared, and they started smiling again. Applejack grabbed Twilight and brought her over to the table. "Now, how's about you try some of these dishes..."

2 hours later

"Man, Twilight," said Spike, "I can't believe you ate 20 pounds of apple-based entrées."

Twilight, green in the face, put a hoof to the newly acquired paunch in her stomach. "Don't remind me..."

Having left Sweet Apple Acres and the pear-despising Apple family, Twilight and Spike were walking towards the town center to check on the next preparation.

"Let's see..." said Spike as he checked the list, "The next thing we need to check is the weather situation. There should be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the skies of clouds."

Twilight looked up into the sky, only to find that there was an overabundance of clouds and a severe shortage of pegasi clearing said clouds. "God, can't anypony do their jobs around here? Where is this Rainbow Da-"

Twilight's complaints were cut short when a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and a cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt as a Cutie Mark zoomed out of the sky and crashed into her. Both of the ponies landed into a puddle of mud. The pegasus stood up and shouted, "DID SOMEPONY SAY 'RAINBOW DASH'!?!"

Twilight lifted her head out of the mud and asked, "What the hell?"

"Aw, yeah! That was awesome!" cheered Rainbow Dash. "Who's the mare?! WHO'S THE MARE?!"

"Um...you?" ventured Spike.

"You've got that right, little guy!" exclaimed the pegasus. "I'm the best! I'm amazing! I'm-" Rainbow Dash finally caught a glimpse of Twilight, who was still laying in the mud, "...Oh dear God, please don't sue me. I already have three other lawsuits to deal with."

Twilight lifted herself off of the ground and sighed. "No, I'm not gong to sue you. Could you please just-"

"Wait! Wait one second!" cried a desperate Rainbow Dash. "I can fix this!" She flew off, grabbed a dark cloud, and put it over Twilight. "Just one sec!" said Rainbow Dash as she landed on top of the cloud. She proceeded to jump up and down on it, which released a shower of rain onto Twilight. "There!" said Rainbow Dash. "All better!"

"Not quite." said Spike as he pointed to Twilight. The purple unicorn was now soaked and sitting in an even wetter puddle of mud.

"Crap!" said Rainbow Dash. "Don't worry, I can fix this!"

"I'm not going to sue-" began Twilight.

"RAINBOW SPIN!" yelled Rainbow Dash, as she started flying around Twilight. Spike could only watch as what looked like a rainbow tornado enveloped Twilight.

Rainbow Dash stopped flying around Twilight and landed next to her. "There, all better!"

"Not quite." growled Twilight. Her normally straight man was now curly and windblown.

Rainbow Dash was struggling with keeping a straight face. "I-heeheehee-I'm s-s-sorr-HAHAHA!" She fell to the ground in a fit of laughter.

Spike was not faring any better. "N-no, Twilight. Th-that's a real-really good look for...for...HAHAHA!" He fell backwards in a fit of manly giggles.

"That's it." grumbled Twilight. "I'm suing."

"Aw, don't be like that." said Rainbow Dash. She picked herself up off the ground and flew into the air. "I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm Ponyville's best flier!"

"Oh really?" asked Twilight. "Then why are there still clouds in the sky?"

"Clouds in the what now?" asked Rainbow Dash. Twilight pointed upwards and Rainbow Dash turned her head and saw the clouds. "Oh those. Don't worry." said a confident Rainbow Dash. "I don't have to clear the clouds until the poor loser who checks the preparations gets here."

Twilight, eye twitching, cleared her throat and said, "Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle. And I am the poor loser who checks the festival preparations."

"Oh...whoops..." Rainbow Dash said sheepishly. "Uh...don't worry! I'll clear the skies in a sec. I just need to practice some more..."

"Practice?" parroted Twilight. "Practice for what?"

"THE WONDERBOLTS!" yelled Rainbow Dash.

"Oh...I see...who?" asked Twilight.

"Come on, Twilight." said Spike. "They're that pegasus stunt team, remember?"

"Hmmm..." Twilight mused.

3 years ago

A younger Twilight was reading in Canterlot's library when a pony wandered in.

"Twilight!" said the pony. "The Wonderbolts are performing! Do you want to go?"

"Are the Wonderbolts books?" asked Twilight.

"Um...no."

"Not interested."

Now

"The Wonderbolts are only the best, fastest, sexiest, and amazing flying team EVER!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "And they're coming tomorrow to perform! I'm going to show them my moves, and then they'll have to put me on the team!"

"Well...I see a small problem with that." said Twilight, an evil plan forming in her head.

"What? What problem?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Why would the Wonderbolts, the most elite flying team in Equestria, want a nobody pegasus who can't even keep the skies clear for one day?" asked/insulted Twilight.

"You." Rainbow Dash glared at Twilight. "Shut the face."

"I guess I'll just have to find a more competent pegasus to do this job."

"I'm competent! Really!"

"No, I think I'll just go and find somepony else."

"Oh, yeah! Well, I'll be able to clear this up in no time! In ten seconds flat."

"Prove it." challenged Twilight with a smirk.

Rainbow Dash took off and started kicking poor innocent clouds into oblivion. After about ten seconds, she landed in front of Twilight and said, "HA! Ten seconds flat!"

"Um..." said Spike. He held a stopwatch in his hand. "It was actually 10.0000000000000001 seconds. Not ten seconds flat."

"..." Rainbow Dash stared at the stopwatch for a few moments. Then she grabbed the stopwatch and trampled it. "TEN. SECONDS. FLAT. GOT IT?!" she growled at Spike.

Spike gulped. "G-got it...."

"Good!" said Rainbow Dash, cheering up instantly. "I'd hate for a certain dragon," she said as she pointed at Spike, "To suffer a horrific accident."

"Horrific accident?" questioned Spike. "How horrific?"

"Horrific as in 'fatal'." explained Rainbow Dash.

"WELL, WE BETTER GO CHECK THE NEXT THING ON THE LIST!" yelled Spike. "LET US DEPART, TWILIGHT!"

"We can stay for a minute if you want to." said Twilight.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO! WE NEED TO GO NOW!" screamed a panicky Spike. He ran off towards the Town Hall. Twilight ran after him. As they entered the building, Spike pulled out the checklist and said, "We need to check on decorations next. A unicorn named Rarity should be in charge."

Twilight looked around the building and saw that it was decorated beautifully. "Well, this looks nice."

"So pretty..." said Spike.

"So neat and organized!" said Twilight as she looked around the room.

"So sexy..." moaned Spike.

"Yes! It's very...sexy?" repeated Twilight in confusion. "Spike what are you talking about?"

"Her..." said Spike as he pointed.

Twilight looked and saw a white unicorn with a purple mane with three gems as a Cutie Mark. The unicorn was grabbing ribbons with her magic and mumbling to herself.

"Yellow? No, too tacky. Blue? Too dismal. Green? God, am I the only one in this town that's not colorblind? Give me colors that I can work with!" she complained dramatically.

"Twilight!" whispered Spike desperately. "How do I look? Do my scales look ok?"

Twilight looked him over and said, "I'd be more concerned about your tail there, Stiffy."

"What's wrong with my-" Spike looked at his tail, which had gone rigid and stiff. "Oh God..." he said in mortification, "Twilight? Do you know a 'Cold Shower' spell, or something?"

Twilight rolled her eyes and approached the other unicorn. "Good afternoon!"

"Shush!" shushed the other. "I'm in the zone!" She used her magic to tie a ribbon to a support beam. "There! Red, bright, and sparkly! Not my first choice, but given the fact that nopony seems to know what colors are actually pleasing to the eye, I'll take what I can get." She turned to Twilight and said, "How can I help y- OH DEAR GOD!" she screamed as she spotted Twilight's still curly mane. "Did you get mugged on the way here, or something?"

Twilight thought back to Rainbow Dash's attempts to "help" her. "Pretty much."

"Oh you poor dear!" said the unicorn. "Allow me to help you with that!"

"Um...that's ok." said Twilight quickly. "I really don't need-"

"Darling." said the unicorn fiercely. "You need a makeover. NOW." And with that, she dragged Twilight away, and Spike, still struggling with his stiff tail followed.

A couple of minutes later

"I'm Rarity, by the way." said the unicorn as she pushed Twilight into a brightly colored building. "Now, you just stay right here, I'll be back with some outfits for you to try."

"Outfits?!" questioned Twilight. "I thought you were just doing my mane!"

"What's the big deal, Twilight?" asked Spike, who had succeeded in calming his tail down. "It's just a few outfits. I mean, how many clothes could she possibly have?"

"Ok, I think this should be enough outfits to start out with." said Rarity. Twilight and Spike turned to see her using her magic to lift an enormous pile of clothes.

"Oh..." said Spike.

"Crap." finished Twilight.

3 hours later

"So...where exactly did you say you where from, dear?" asked Rarity as she tightened the straps on a gaudy looking saddle.

"I...I don't think I can breathe in this thing..." murmured Twilight, whose purple face was turning an even darker shade of purple.

"Oh nonsense." Rarity dismissively waved her hoof, "I hear saddles like this are all the rage in Canterlot."

"Well...I'm from...Canterlot..." gasped Twilight. "And I...don't...remember seeing these...types of-"

"YOU'RE FROM CANTERLOT?!" screamed Rarity. She stopped tugging on the straps and said, "Oh, I've always wanted to live there! The glamour, the fame, the filthy rich clientele!" She walked up to Twilight, "Finally, I have a rich friend to mooch off of!" Rarity realized what she had said, and attempted to backpedal, "I-I mean, to chat and socialize with! Right. That's what I meant!"

"I have money!" shouted Spike. "Hang out with me!"

"Oh my! Twilight, you appear to have some little lizard thing following you around!" said Rarity, who was looking at Spike in alarm.

Twilight paused in trying to get the torture device AKA saddle off of her. "Oh, that's Spike. He's a dragon and he's my assistant."

"Uh...Spike, was it?" asked Rarity.

"Yes?" asked Spike breathlessly.

"Is your tail supposed to be that way?"

Spike looked towards his tail, which was, once again, stiff. "Uh...I get excited around..." Spike looked around the room, trying to come up with a good excuse, "...fashion?"

"Really. You get 'excited' around fashion." repeated Rarity.

"Um...sure?" Spike nervously said.

Rarity was silent for a moment before saying happily, "Oh, I know exactly how you feel, darling!"

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing, "You...you do?"

"Oh, yes!" said Rarity. "Why, the number of times I had to have a little 'alone time' after looking at the latest fashion magazines..."

"What." said Twilight.

"What?" asked a slightly drooling Spike.

"Oh, it is so fabulous to meet another pony...well, dragon in your case...who loves fashion as much as I do! We have so many things to talk about!" Rarity paused and looked at Spike. "What is your opinion on lingerie? I can model some for you."

"I can honestly say," said Spike with certainty, "that that is the best idea I've ever heard."

"BUT UNFORTUNATELY," shouted Twilight, who had managed to get the straight-jacket/saddle off of her, "WE HAVE TO GO!"

"No we don't!" shouted Spike.

"YES WE DO!" Twilight yelled at him.

"Yes we do..." Spike meekly agreed.

"Oh...well, alright then!" said a cheerful Rarity. Twilight dragged Spike out of Rarity's house. "Feel free to stop by anytime!"

A few minutes later

As Twilight and Spike were walking on a path, Spike was getting lectured by Twilight.

"...And I don't even know why you'd find a pony in underwear attractive!" Twilight continued her rant. "We don't normally wear clothes anyway!"

Spike shook his head and said, "You just don't understand, Twilight."

Twilight put her hoof to her forehead. "Just..." she sighed, "Just tell me what's next on the stupid list."

Spike pulled out the checklist and said, "Looks like the last thing to check is music."

"Oh, finally!" said Twilight. "Then I can head to the library and find out if Seaponies really exist!"

"...You mean 'try and find out if Nightmare Moon is really coming back', right?" asked Spike.

"Right! What'd I say?"

Spike opened his mouth to answer, but the sounds of birds singing cut him off. Twilight and Spike looked around and spotted a yellow pegasus with a pink mane and three butterflies as a Cutie Mark leading a flock of birds like a conductor.

The birds were singing well. At least, until a blue jay opened his beak and sang:

"Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone
Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone"

The yellow pegasus blinked and said in a soft voice, "Oh, Mr. Blue Jay, please stop."

A raccoon appeared out of nowhere and sang with the blue jay:

"Ra Ha ringtone pick up the phone
Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone!"

The pegasus said, in a slightly louder voice, "Mr. Blue Jay? Mr. Raccoon? Please stop."

The blue jay and raccoon started to yell their lyrics:

"RA HA RINGTONE PICK UP THE PHONE!
TING TING TING TING TING TING TING BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOP
PICK UP YA TELEPHONE BECAUSE YA HEAR YA RINGTONE!"

The yellow pegasus snapped and screamed, "SHUT UP OR YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Alright! Jeez..." mumbled the blue jay as the raccoon ran away.

"Ok!" said the pegasus, slipping back into her quiet voice, "Let's try that again, ok? A-one, A-two, A-one-two-three-"

"LOUD NOISES!" screamed Twilight.

The pegasus squeaked in fear as her birds flew off. She looked down to see Twilight looking up at her.

"Oh...sorry. I just didn't want to hear that 'ringtone' song again." said Twilight, sheepishly.

"I don't know, Twilight." said Spike. "I kind of liked it."

The blue jay, flying above all three of them, yelled, "Yeah-yuh!"

"Anyway," said Twilight, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm just here to make sure that your birds are ready for the festival! What's your name?"

"Um...I'm Fluttershy." said the quiet pegasus.

"Sorry? What was that?" asked Twilight.

"I'm Fluttershy." repeated the pegasus.

"One more time." said Twilight. "Let 'em hear you in the cheap seats!"

"I SAID, 'I'M FLUTTERSHY', YOU DEAF BITCH!" screamed Fluttershy. She realized that she was yelling, and instantly said, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!"

"WHAT?!" Yelled Twilight as she rubbed her ears. "ALL I HEAR IS THIS RINGING NOISE! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Oh, um...are you ok?" asked Fluttershy.

"AM I GAY?" Twilight yelled, "LOOK LADY, I JUST MET YOU ALRIGHT? AT LEAST ROMANCE ME A LITTLE FIRST!"

"N-no!" said Fluttershy. "I just asked if you were alright!"

"CAN I BITE?!" asked Twilight, mishearing again, "LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF STUFF YOU'RE INTO, BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DOMINATRIX FETISH, ALRIGHT!"

"NO!" yelled Fluttershy. "I JUST ASKED IF YOU WERE OK!"

"Oh, of course I'm ok." said Twilight, getting her hearing back. "You don't have to yell, for God's sake." Twilight looked into the tree and saw that most of the birds had returned. "It looks like your birds are back! It sounds like they're ready to sing at the Summer Sun Celebration, so I guess we'll just get out of your mane."

"We?" asked Fluttershy quietly. "Who's 'we'?"

"Twilight!" cried Spike as he came closer to the two ponies. "Your yelling hurt my ears!"

"You don't have ears!" argued Twilight. "You just have those weird fin things on the side of your head!"

"Oh yeah." said Spike. He felt the weird fin things on the side of his head. "What the heck are these things, anyway?"

"A BABY DRAGON!?" yelled Fluttershy. She came closer to Spike.

"Please, girl." said Spike. "This dragon is all man!"

"Aw!" cooed Fluttershy. "He's soooooo cute!"

"I prefer ruggishly handsome." said Spike.

Fluttershy laughed. "Alright," she said, playing along. "He's so ruggishly handsome!"

"Ha!" said Spike, as he looked over at Twilight. "I'm a stud! All the ladies want Spike!"

"Fine, Casa-no-duh." said Twilight. "Let's get going." Twilight and Spike started walking away.

Fluttershy flew after them and asked, "So, your name is Spike?"

"Yep!" said Spike. "What's yours?"

"My name is Fluttershy! So...I'm curious. What do dragons talk about?"

Spike thought for a moment. "Well...let me tell you about what we dragons call 'Flame Farts'..."

Several minutes later

Spike, Twilight, and Fluttershy had finally reached Ponyville's library. Spike was talking about his experience with Rarity.

"So there I was, about to get treated to a hot girl wearing nothing but a thong, when Twilight says 'Oh, we've got stuff to do', and I'm all like 'Girl please, I got more than enough time for this', but then Twilight was all up in my face like, 'If you don't leave right now, I'll break your face'. So I decided that it was in my best interest to leave." Spike finished.

"Oh my!" said Fluttershy. "I never knew dragons were attracted to ponies! This is so fascinating! I've always wanted to learn about dragons but I'm actually a little afraid of-"

"OK! HERE WE ARE!" Interrupted Twilight. She stopped in front of the library's entrance and turned to Fluttershy. "So sorry, but we've got a lot to do, moving in and such, so I'm afraid that we'll just have to say 'Goodbye'!" She paused for a second before opening the door and kicking Spike inside. "Goodbye!" she said to Fluttershy as she slammed the door in her face.

In the darkness inside, Spike looked over to where he thought Twilight was and said, "What was that all about?"

Twilight rolled her eyes in the direction that she thought Spike was in. "Well, I'm soooo sorry. I'm still a little concerned about that whole 'Everypony is going to die horrible deaths if I don't stop Nightmare Moon' thing, so pardon me if I'm a little rude!"

"Still," said Spike. "You could be a little more friendly."

"Ha!" scoffed Twilight. "'Friendly'. Spike, I'll be honest with you. If I have to talk to one more pony today, I think I'll have a heart attack!"

All of a sudden, the lights flicked on to reveal that the whole town was in the library. "SURPRISE!" they all yelled.

Spike looked over to see Twilight clutching her chest. "Are you seriously having a heart attack?" he asked.

"Pretty damn close..." mumbled Twilight.

The pink pony from before walked up to Twilight and said, "SURPRISE!"

"The others already said that." observed Twilight.

"I know! I just wanted to be different!" said the pink pony happily. "I'm Pinkie Pie! I threw this party just for you! Are you happy!?"

"No." said Twilight.

"I know! You must be super-duper-extra happy!" said Pinkie Pie.

"But...but..." Twilight struggled to find a complaint. "Libraries are supposed to be quiet."

"What's a library?" asked Pinkie in happy confusion. Twilight shook her head and wandered away. Pinkie followed her and was bouncing slightly. "I saw you when you first got here, remember! You were like 'Hi', and I was like 'GASP, EYE BULGE, HEAD SPIN, which in all honesty doesn't seem to be physically possible, but I guess when you're in a parody fic you just have to sort of go along with it."

Twilight rubbed her forehead, feeling another headache coming on. "I need a freaking drink."

"Oh! Then it's a good thing you got here before Berry did!" said Pinkie. "There's some drinks on the table over there! Anyway, I thought you'd be lonely after moving to a new place, and all you had with you was some little lizard guy, so I said to myself, 'Pinkie, you can't just let her not have a party when she's new! You better go to her library and break the lock and sneak in to set up a party'!"

Twilight poured herself a drink, noticing that Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy had gathered around Pinkie Pie. Sighing...again...Twilight started to sip her drink.

"So I did!" continued Pinkie. "I broke into your new house and set up a party! By the way, do you know that you're drinking hot sauce! I noticed, but I thought you meant to pour yourself hot sauce so I didn't want to say anything. Usually I would comment on you drinking straight hot sauce, but Maniac92's kind of trying to keep this in line with the original episode which involved me not telling you that you were drinking hot sauce. By the way, hot sauce is sure a fun word to say! Hot sauce! HOT sauce! HOT! SAUCE!"

Twilight put her drink down and stared at Pinkie. "So..." she said, "What are you trying to say?"

"Oh for God's sake, Twilight!" said Spike in exasperation. "You are drinking motherfucking hot sauce!"

"Oooooooh." said Twilight. "That explains that intense burning sensation in my mouth, doesn't it?"

"Pretty much." said Spike.

"Ok." Twilight's face grew a little red. "Um...excuse me." She then promptly burst into flames and ran upstairs.

"Wait!" said Pinkie suddenly. She turned to the others. "What was she drinking again?"

Hours later

Twilight, attempting to ignore that the whole town was downstairs, was trying and failing to get some sleep. She looked at the clock and saw that it was close to dawn.

Spike came upstairs, wearing a lampshade on his head and a bra on his body. "Twilight!" he said, "It's almost time to head over to the Town Hall to watch the Princess raise the sun!"

Twilight sighed and said, "I'll be down in a minute, Spike." As Spike left, Twilight walked over to the window and looked up at the moon. "Things," she said, "Cannot get much worse."

To Be Continued In Chapter 3: Things Get Worse

Comments

[Moon_Dew]

Can things get much worse? It depends. Did one of the characters say anything along the lines of "This can't get any worse", "How can things get any worse", or "What's the worse that can happen?" Is there such a thing as Murphy's Law? If the answer to both is "Yes", then gird your loins and prepare your anus, because someone's about to make a statement regarding the impending impact of excrement upon the surface of a rotatory-blade based cooling system.

...in other words the manure's about to hit the fan.

[Maniac92]

1148411 And Twilight's standing right in front of the fan.

[Moon_Dew]

1148797 Oh, good one! I'll have to remember that.

[tajjetone]

Fucking lol

[Someguy987]

How is this not featured

[EchoWolf31]

I fucking love this story. Also, NEVER say "Things cannot get worse" because they always do.

[raw19]

"...And I don't even know why you'd find a pony in underwear attractive!" Twilight continued her rant. "We don't normally wear clothes anyway!"

So well said! And this chapter was one of the funniest things i've ever read in my life!

*Spike wolf-whistles as Rarity slips into something more comfortable* Yeah, Baby! Put it on! Put. It. ON!!

[Anal Invader]

I'm fresh out of clever things to say about your story, so I'll just say I laughed until I had an erection and leave it at that.

[Beeooow]

"Oh, it is so fabulous to meet another pony...well, dragon in your case...who loves fashion as much as I do! We have so many things to talk about!" Rarity paused and looked at Spike. "What is your opinion on lingerie? I can model some for you."

"I can honestly say," said Spike with certainty, "that that is the best idea I've ever heard."

My body was not ready for this level of humor.

[Night_Wisp]

1150241 your dream has come true,young one

[BrownDog77]

How has no one pointed out the Mordecai and Rigby reference before?

[XEN0KID]

this should have been the first episode. this SO should have been the first episode! SOMEONE HAS TO ANIMATE THIS AS A FIRST EPISODE REPLACEMENT!

[Honest Wisdom]

STOP KILLING US WITH LAUGHTER!!!!

[Bones_]

Spike is so gangsta

[Jerrrry]

"YOU'RE FROM CANTERLOT?!" screamed Rarity. She stopped tugging on the straps and said, "Oh, I've always wanted to live there! The glamour, the fame, the filthy rich clientele!" She walked up to Twilight, "Finally, I have a rich friend to mooch off of!" Rarity realized what she had said, and attempted to backpedal, "I-I mean, to chat and socialize with! Right. That's what I meant!"
agagbabagaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahah i cant tell if this is real or not i just died went to heaven(if a heaven of comedy existed) and saw god fall directly thou a cloud and laughed my ass the hell off
"Oh, finally!" said Twilight. "Then I can head to the library and find out if Seaponies really exist!"
"...You mean 'try and find out if Nightmare Moon is really coming back', right?" asked Spike.
"Right! What'd I say?" I was just sent to a good hell were the devil has my sence of hummure and i recorded gods death and we watched it for a melenia then i read the rest of this

[thatguy45]

4594274 IT'S A SHINY FLUTTERSHY!

[metroid_freak]

"Hello, my name is-"

What?

"Hello, my name is-"

Who?

"Hello, my name is-"

Chicka chicka Slim Sparkle!

Seriously, this might be the most quotable fic on this site.

[Valkir2464]

1151377

It's a law written into the unseeable code of the universe, and as such, is best left unbroken.

[MustacheMerlin]

The birds were singing well. At least, until a blue jay opened his beak and sang:
"Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone
Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone"

Shut up Mordicai!

[ForSpite]

Parodies work best when they're exaggerations of established character traits. Thus, your depictions of the mane six were on average at least somewhat amusing. That bit with Caramel, though seemed to come out of nowhere and reading his StRaNgElY CaPiTaLiZeD dialogue was actually painful, so that wasn't funny at all. Fortunately, he was a small part of the chapter.

[ShadowLDrago]

"I...I don't like apples?" repeated Twilight.

Yes, say that to a bunch of Apple farmers whose last names are Apple. Brilliant move.

"Horrific as in 'fatal'." explained Rainbow Dash.

That is horrific.

[user123]

Heheheh.

[Desert Tortoise 22]

4230894 IKR!!!
My Reactions:

The birds were singing well. At least, until a blue jay opened his beak and sang:

"Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone

Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone"

A raccoon appeared out of nowhere and sang with the blue jay...

The blue jay, flying above all three of them, yelled, "Yeah-yuh!"

"no.
No.
No!
NO!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT THAT DUMB-ASS SHOW!!!!"

[Pentatonic Harmonys]

Wait..... blue jay and racoo...........well played good sir

[abcd_z]

5585726
No way! Insane Arsonist Caramel was funny! :D

[ThatClosetBrony]

This is the single most beautiful parody story I have ever laid my eyes upon.

[Vibrant lies]

Rarity paused and looked at Spike. "What is your opinion on lingerie? I can model some for you."

"I can honestly say," said Spike with certainty, "that that is the best idea I've ever heard."

........Finally a world where Spike wins!!!!

[The Real McCoy]

"Yes. Do you?" asked a brown stallion that appeared to have come out of nowhere. He had an hourglass as a Cutie Mark and was glaring at Twilight.

What? But...But...

[remnants]

Let me describe this fic to you.

Reading it is like I'm driving blindfolded down the wrong side of a highway in a car with cut brake lines and no steering wheel while naked and juggling flaming chainsaws. Oh, and the car is also on fire.

[Princess LightningChaser]

5725524 I agree. That show is just a bunch of manure! Am I right?

[OmnipresentMicroorganism]

"I...I don't like apples?" repeated Twilight.

"Oh really?" said Applejack as she walked closer to Twilight. "Well then, what do ya like?" She glared at Twilight.

"Uh...uh...pears?" suggested Twilight.

[thedarkitty]

Dear writer.

I just almost died from laughing.
And right now I'm preparing a medical/funeral bill for you. Plz send me your address so I can mail it to the proper place.

Sincerely
thedarkitty.

[Misty Spell]

i1185.photobucket.com/albums/z349/babybabydontbesoshy/NotBad.gif

[OmnipresentMicroorganism]

Re-reading this because my read later and tracking lists are empty and a thought occurred to me. What if one or more of the canon mane 6/Spike swapped minds with their MLP:FML counterparts?

[pixelbit5]

"He keeps apples in his dressing gown?"

images-cdn.moviepilot.com/image/upload/v1426603880/doctor-who-revival-10th-anniversary-2005-2015-10th-doctor-david-tennant-jpeg-286451.jpg