• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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The Bar Mark-zvah

Apple Bloom collapsed near a well and sighed. “Ah need someone to show me how to get mah Cutie Mark,” she muttered to herself.

A blue blur crashed into the ground, causing dirt to fly everywhere. Apple Bloom coughed and watched as the dust cleared and revealed Rainbow Dash, her face in the dirt.

“Um…” began Apple Bloom. “Are you ok?”

Rainbow pulled her face off the ground and said woozily, “Never better!” She smiled, revealing that she had lost several teeth. She shook her head, regaining her senses, and said, “Look, do you want to earn your Cutie Mark?”

“Yes!” said Apple Bloom. “Can you help me?”

“Can I?!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly. “I’ll have you know that I was the first in my class to get a Cutie Mark.”

“Really? How?” asked Apple Bloom.

“When I was your age, I-” began Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere and tackled Rainbow Dash to the ground. “Save that for later in the season!” she yelled. She got off of Rainbow and walked away.

“…What was that about?” asked Apple Bloom.

Rainbow Dash curled up in the fetal position. “I don’t know, but I’m too traumatized to find out.”

“Ok,” said Apple Bloom. She looked at Rainbow Dash in concern. “Should Ah just go?”

Rainbow pulled herself up. “Nah,” she replied, “It’s nothing an obscene amount of alcohol won’t fix. Let’s go get you those breast implants.” She started to walk away.

“You mean mah Cutie Mark?” asked Apple Bloom, running to catch up.

“Right! What’d I say?”

And so, Apple Bloom’s training had begun. Her first, easily accomplishable task was to…

“Move the Earth?!” exclaimed Apple Bloom. “Ah can’t do that!”

“That sounds like quitter talk!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “If you want to get your Cutie Mark, you have to be prepared to do the impossible!”

Apple Bloom sighed and started to do push-ups. “Ah’m not sure if this will work.” She pointed out.

“Good point,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “How about you just try a bunch of random crap and see if you get your Cutie Mark?” She flew away and came back with a basket of red rubber balls. “First, go stand in front of that wall over there.” She pointed at a nearby barn.

Apple Bloom nodded and stood close to the wall of the barn. “Now what?” she asked, as Rainbow grabbed a ball from the basket.

“The first thing we’re going to try is dodgeball!” said Rainbow Dash. She chucked the ball as hard as she could.

Apple Bloom ducked to the ground as the ball crashed against the barn. She rolled away as another ball impacted into the ground where she was laying. “Um…Rainbow Dash?” she asked nervously.

Rainbow pulled out a wrench. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!” she screamed as she threw it.

As Apple Bloom watched the wrench come closer, Applejack came around the corner of the barn and walked up to her. “There ya are, Apple Bloom. Look, Ah think Ah was too harsh on ya before. How about ya come back to the stand and-”

There was a thud as the wrench hit Applejack in the head. She fell to the ground, unconscious.

Apple Bloom and Rainbow Dash stared in horror.

“Um…” began Apple Bloom.

“No talking!” yelled Rainbow Dash. She quickly picked up Apple Bloom and flew as fast as she could. “Let’s try something else! Something far, far away from here!” She spotted a cliff and smiled. “That’ll do!” She landed on the cliff and put Apple Bloom down near the edge. “Part 2! Flying!”

“But Ah can’t-” began Apple Bloom. She was cut off as Rainbow Dash shoved her off the cliff.

Rainbow Dash watched the screaming filly as she fell. “…Probably should’ve given her a hang glider or something.”

Much later, after Apple Bloom had been released from the hospital, Rainbow Dash took her to the local dojo.

“Since when did Ponyville have a dojo?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Never mind that!” said Rainbow Dash. She pushed Apple Bloom towards a massive trophy case. “I want you to polish all of my trophies! Remember, ‘wax on, wax off’! It’ll teach you Karate!” She held up a rag.

Apple Bloom stared at the rag with a frown on her face. “No it won’t.” she said.

“No, it won’t.” admitted Rainbow Dash. “But…maybe you’ll get a Cutie Mark in trophy polishing?”

Apple Bloom sighed and leaned against the trophy case. “Ah’ll never get mah Cutie Mark…”

Rainbow gave the filly a comforting smile. “Hey, don’t worry! With me here, you’ll get a Cutie Mark in no time. I swear I will not stop, I will not rest, until you have your Cutie Mark.”

“Really?” said Apple Bloom. In her excitement, she bumped against the trophy case, which fell to the floor. The glass shattered on impact as trophies and ribbons went everywhere. The two ponies stared at the mess for a long while.

“Get out,” growled Rainbow Dash.

Apple Bloom quickly left the dojo. Once outside, she sighed sadly. “Ah blew it.” She muttered.

“Oh my God, Diamond! Your new outfit is perfect for the party!” came a familiar voice.

Apple Bloom turned to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking towards her. She quickly hid in some nearby bushes.

“I know it!” said Diamond Tiara smugly. “It will show off my Cutie Mark to everyone!”

“But Diamond…” began Silver Spoon, a frown appearing on her face. “What if ponies find out that-”

Diamond quickly pushed Silver up against the dojo, her arm pressing against the other filly’s throat. From inside the bushes, Apple Bloom watched as Diamond glared at Silver.

“No one is going to find out about you-know-what if a certain someone keeps their fat mouth shut.” She growled. She let go of Silver Spoon, who slid to the ground, coughing. “Now come on! I have my daddy’s credit card and it’s just begging to be used.”

Silver Spoon got back up, still rubbing her throat. “O-ok D-Diamond! Sounds good!” She laughed shakily. She quietly whimpered and ran after the other filly.

Apple Bloom walked out of the bushes. “That was weird. Ah wonder what they were talking about…”

“I can tell you what they weren’t talking about!” came a voice from behind her.

Apple Bloom quickly turned around to see Pinkie Pie smiling at her.

“They weren’t talking about how good my cupcakes are!” continued Pinkie. “Wanna come try some?”

Apple Bloom smiled sadly. “Thanks Pinkie, but Ah need to try and find mah Cutie Mark before Diamond Tiara’s party.”

“Well…” said Pinkie, thinking. “What if you helped me make the cupcakes? You might get a Cutie Mark in baking!”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “Worth a shot, Ah guess.” She blinked and looked around. They were inside Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen. “Um…weren’t we just outside?” she asked, confused.

“Yep!” said Pinkie Pie. “But Maniac92 was just going to use a transition anyway.”

Was not.

“Bullshit!” said Pinkie happily.

You win this round.

“Ok…” said Apple Bloom slowly. Desperate to change the topic, she looked around the kitchen. “So…where should we start?”

Pinkie took a deep breath.

Soon:

Apple Bloom mechanically poured flour into a bowl. “All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix,” she said monotonously. She grabbed a bunch of candy and shoved them into the bowl. “Now just take a little something sweet, not sour, a bit of salt just a pinch.” She grabbed a salt shaker and threw it in to the bowl.

“Oh…” said Pinkie in understanding as she watched the brainwashed Apple Bloom work and sing. “That’s why I’m not allowed to sing that anymore.” She walked over to Apple Bloom.

“Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty, cupcakes…” droned Apple Bloom.

Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together loudly.

Apple Bloom blinked. “What happened?” she asked. “Where am Ah?” She looked around the kitchen. There were mountains of cupcakes everywhere. “And what’s with all the cupcakes?” She twitched. “So s-sweet and…” She shook her head. “That was weird…”

“You baked all of them!” said Pinkie happily.

“Ah did?!” asked Apple Bloom. She looked at her flank excitedly. Her face fell when she saw it was still blank.

“Oh…” said Pinkie. “I guess it doesn’t count if I have to brainwash you…” She frowned and looked around the kitchen. “On the plus side…” she began, changing the subject, “You baked all the cupcakes we need for the party!” She looked at the clock. “Which is in about ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes!” screamed Apple Bloom. She ran for the door. “Ah need to get mah-” She ran into something and fell to the ground. She looked up to see Twilight holding her head in pain. “Sorry Twilight.” She said.

“That’s ok…” muttered Twilight. “I wanted a concussion anyway.” She shook her head and looked at the filly. “What are you running for, anyway?”

“Ah need to get mah Cutie Mark before Diamond Tiara’s party!” explained Apple Bloom. “And Ah’ve only got ten minutes!”

“Nine minutes,” said Pinkie Pie, watching the clock.

“NINE MINUTES!” screamed Apple Bloom. “Ah can’t get a Cutie Mark in nine minutes! Ah’d need a miracle or…” she trailed off, looking at Twilight. “Or magic!”

“Whoa whoa!” said Twilight. “I can’t just cast a spell and make your Cutie Mark appear. No one can. If somebody did, they’d be the most powerful Unicorn in…” Twilight’s eyes widened as she realized what she was saying. “The most powerful Unicorn in all of Equestria…” She began to laugh slowly, and, after a few moments, began cackling madly.

“Um…Twilight?” asked Apple Bloom, slightly scared.

“I’m going to help you!” said Twilight happily. “Once I prove that I can make a pony’s Cutie Mark appear, I’ll be the most powerful magic user ever! I’ll be on par with Princess Celestia!”

“I didn’t know she played golf,” said Pinkie Pie, still watching the clock. “Five minutes, by the way.”

“Hurry Twilight!” said Apple Bloom, turning to the side.

Twilight smiled and pointed her horn at Apple Bloom’s flank. A purple light enveloped her horn.

Nothing happened.

“W-why didn’t it work?” asked Twilight.

Suddenly, a large purple book appeared in front of Twilight. On its cover were the words, “DA RULES”. The book flipped open in front of Twilight.

“According to the rules, a pony cannot grant a Cutie Mark by magic,” read Twilight. She slammed the book in a rage. “Damn it! I thought I got rid of these rules when my goldfish stopped granting me wishes!”

“Um…what?” asked Apple Bloom.

Twilight threw herself on the ground and started pounding her hooves against the tile. “It’s not fair! I want to be the world’s most powerful Unicorn!” She started sobbing angrily.

Apple Bloom awkwardly patted Twilight’s head. “Ah’m sure you’ll be the world’s most powerful Unicorn someday.”

Twilight only increased her crying.

“Um…” began Apple Bloom, looking at the clock, “Ah’m just gonna go to the party, ok?” She slowly backed out of the kitchen and into Sugarcube Corner’s dining area.

The party was in full swing. Ponies from all over Ponyville had arrived to congratulate Diamond Tiara on her Cutie Mark.

“Hey, Rarity?” began Rainbow Dash. “Why do we care if some kid got her Cutie Mark? We don’t even know her.”

“Because her daddy controls most of the businesses in Ponyville, dear,” answered Rarity. “He controls our lives.”

“Oh, that’s right,” said Rainbow. She looked around. “So where’s the booze?”

“This is a party for children,” explained Rarity. “There is no booze.” She held up her glass. “See? Root Beer.”

“God, I hate kids,” grumbled Rainbow Dash. “And do you feel like you’re being watched?”

“Not at all,” said Rarity.

A few feet away, Scootaloo was staring at Rainbow Dash. She took out her cigarette and said, “Soon.”

Apple Bloom stood in the corner of the room. “Why am Ah even here?” she asked as she watched Diamond Tiara show off her Cutie Mark. She sighed and looked towards the exit. “Ah should just go.”

Applejack stumbled into the party, holding her head. “When Ah find that dumbass Pegasus…” she growled. She spotted Apple Bloom from across the room and waved. “Apple Bloom! Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere, Apple Bloom?” She started to yell. “Apple Bloom! Why aren’t you answering me, Apple Bloom?! APPLE BLOOM!”

“Hello, Apple Bloom,” came Diamond Tiara’s voice.

Apple Bloom sighed. “Goddammit, Applejack.” She turned around and saw both Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon smirking at her.

“Nice Cutie Mark, Apple Bloom,” said Diamond Tiara. She pretended to wince. “Oh, that’s right. You don’t have one, do you?” She laughed. “Isn’t it funny that she doesn’t have one, Silver?”

“Um…” began Silver Spoon nervously. “Am I supposed to laugh or…?”

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “God, you’re dumb.” She glared at Apple Bloom. “I can’t believe that a blank flank like you would dare show up for my party!”

As Diamond began to yell, the other ponies in the room stopped to watch the scene.

“Um…Applejack?” asked Fluttershy. “Shouldn’t you help?”

Applejack had Rainbow Dash in a chokehold. “Ah will in a minute. Ah have to teach a certain someone about throwin’ wrenches around willy-nilly.”

“I said I’m sorry!” coughed Rainbow Dash as her face turned a darker shade of blue.

Diamond Tiara continued her tirade. “Blank Flanks like you make me sick! If a pony doesn’t know what their special talent is, then what good are they?! If I was in charge I would-”

“HEY!” yelled Scootaloo. She took out her cigarette and crushed it in her hooves. “What the fuck’s your problem?”

“Yes,” said Sweetie Belle as she walked over to Apple Bloom. She help up a knife and pointed it at Diamond Tiara. “Tell us what you have against blank flanks.”

“Why do the two of you care?” asked Silver Spoon.

Scootaloo walked over to Apple Bloom and took off her leather jacket. On Apple Bloom’s other side, Sweetie Belle took off her black armor. They both turned and showed sides, revealing that both of them didn’t have a Cutie Mark.

“Not having a Cutie Mark means that we have a lot of potential,” said Sweetie Belle. “We don’t know what our talents will be, which means they could be anything.”

“Unlike you,” added Scootaloo, “Whose Cutie Mark is a fucking crown.”

“It. Is. A. Tiara,” growled Diamond. She cleared her throat and said, “You know what? This is my party. I don’t have to listen to this bullshit. Come on Silver.” She turned around and began to walk away.

“Um…Diamond?” said Silver Spoon nervously.

“What, you simpleton?!” yelled Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon pointed a shaky hoof at the floor, where a pink piece of paper with a tiara on it was laying.

Diamond Tiara’s eyes went wide and looked at her flank, where there was nothing but pink fur.

“You’re a blank flank too?!” asked Apple Bloom.

A piece of grey paper fell off of Silver Spoon, taking her Cutie Mark with it.

“Both of you?!” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo smirked. “You were right, Diamond Tiara. This is your party.” She pointed to the crowded room. “And it looks like the whole town just saw your little secret.”

Diamond Tiara looked around the room. She gulped and quickly ran out of the building, Silver Spoon right behind her.

Apple Bloom picked up the paper with Diamond Tiara’s fake Cutie Mark on it. “Ah can’t believe she did all of that when she didn’t even have a Mark.” She turned to the other two fillies. “Thanks guys.”

Scootaloo lit up another cigarette. “Yeah, yeah. What are friends for?”

“Are we friends?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Of course!” roared Sweetie Belle. “I need all the allies I can get in overthrowing my parents!”

“What’s a parent?” asked both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom in unison.

Apple Bloom thought for a moment. “Maybe we should all work together to try and get our Cutie Marks. What do you think?”

“Yes!” said Sweetie Belle. “A secret society dedicated to showing the world that I, Sweetie Belle, am destined to conquer all!”

Scootaloo blew out some smoke. “I don’t know about that, but getting our Cutie Marks could work.”

“We need a name though,” said Apple Bloom. “How about the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”

“That is foolish!” said Sweetie Belle.

“You have a better idea?” asked Scootaloo, lowering her sunglasses so she could peer at the other filly.

“…Cutie Mark Crusaders it is,” agreed Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo smiled. “How about we talk over some cupcakes?”

Apple Bloom’s eyes widened. “Add a little more and you count to four, and you never get your fill-a…” she droned. “Cupcakes…”

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