Applejack Destroys Ponyville
"Hey!" yelled Applejack. She was back at Sweet Apple Acres and was glaring at something. "Ah'm sick and tired of yer bullshit! Ah oughta kick yer ass!" She glared at what was making her angry. "That's it! Yer goin' down!" She kicked out and hit the annoyance. "That'll show ya, bitch!"
Twilight walked over to Applejack and asked, "Applejack, you know you're yelling at a tree, right?"
Applejack rolled her eyes and moved on to another tree. "Well, of course, Ah'm yellin' at the trees, Twilight. They've been freeloadin' here fer years!"
"Applejack, they're trees. They can't move." explained Twilight.
"Don't give me some sob story about how they just moved and just got attached to the place." said a woozy Applejack. "If they don't have the rent money, that's their problem." She kicked another innocent tree right in its knothole.
"But...they...nevermind." groaned Twilight as she facehoofed. "What the hell are you doing anyway?"
"Uh, what does it look like Ah'm doin'?" asked Applejack. "Ah'm applebuckin'."
Twilight's eyes widened as she looked at Applejack. "I-I'm sorry?"
"Ah'm applebuckin'."
Twilight's face turned green. "Oh my God, that's disgusting!"
"What?" asked Applejack. "It's just applebuckin'."
"How....why? Why?" asked Twilight.
"Cuz it's Applebuck Season!" replied Applejack.
"You have a whole season devoted to that?!" asked Twilight.
"Well when else are we supposed ta applebuck?" asked Applejack.
"That's just-" Twilight's eyes widened in understanding. "Wait, are you saying applebucking?"
"Yeah, what did ya think Ah said?" asked Applejack.
"Uh...nothing." lied Twilight. "So what is Applef- I mean, Applebuck Season?"
"It's what we call harvestin' time." explained Applejack. "We take all the apples and sell 'em so we don't starve or have to cannibalize each other."
"Oh." said Twilight. "Wait, why are you doing this all alone? Where's your family?"
"Well, Big Mac got hurt, Granny's older than dirt, and...uh...let's just say that we had a bad experience with Apple Bloom last year..."
Last Year
Sweet Apple Acres was in flames. From the safety of a nearby hill, the entire Apple family turned to glare at Apple Bloom.
"Um...Caramel did it?"
"BuLlSHIt!" yelled Caramel.
Now
"Wait, what about all the others?" asked Twilight. "The ones you introduced to me when I met you?"
Applejack yawned and said, "They was just here for the Apple family reunion. All except Braeburn. The lazy good-for-nothin'..." Applejack shook her head and continued, "Anyway, Ah'm on my own, and Ah should really get back to work."
"But..."
"The only 'but' I want to see is yours leaving." said Applejack.
"Fine, fine." said Twilight. "Just let me know if you need help, okay?"
"Sure!" said Applejack. She started muttering, "Stuck up bookworm thinks she can come here and tell me how to do my job..."
"Applejack, I'm still here." said Twilight.
"Yeah, Ah know." Applejack started to walk away. "Now, excuse me, but Ah got apples to buck."
"That still sounds weird." said Twilight.
One Day Later
Rainbow Dash was pacing back and forth with a pissed off expression on her face. She heard hoofsteps behind her and turned to see Applejack running towards her.
"It's about time!" yelled Rainbow Dash.
"Sorry, Ah was-"
"NO TIME!" Screamed Dash. "STUNTS NOW!" She grabbed Applejack and turned her around. "See that?" she said as she pointed at a catapult. "Ok, I'm going to stand on one end of the launcher, you'll climb on top of that platform," she pointed at a platform placed near the catapult, "You jump down onto the opposite end, and I'll be launched straight into stardom!"
"How?" asked Applejack.
"What?"
"How will this contraption 'launch ya into stardom'?" asked Applejack.
"Well, duh Applejack! Launch? Catapult? It's simple math! I think..."
"If you say so..." said Applejack. "But isn't that a little dangerous?"
"No, no, no." said Rainbow Dash. "You don't have to worry at all about me getting hurt. All you have to do is remember that one teensy-tiny little mistake could be fatal for me, you, and all of Equestria." Dash smiled at Applejack, "So no pressure."
"Great..." mumbled Applejack. She trotted over to the ladder and climbed up to the top of the platform.
"Ready?" asked Rainbow.
"No." said Applejack. She took a deep breath and jumped off the platform...and landed face-first into the ground. Once she peeled her face from the ground, she said to Dash, "Sorry, sorry. Let me try that again."
Several minutes of faceplants later...
"Ok. Applejack, what the hell is going on?" asked Rainbow Dash when Applejack had failed to launch her for the fifteenth time. "I mean, I went to all this trouble to build this thing," she pointed to the catapult, "And you can't even land on it!"
"Ah know, Ah know!" yelled Applejack. She thought for a few moments. "Hang on, I got an idea..." She walked off to get what she needed.
A couple of minutes later...
"Ready!" yelled Applejack. She was up on the platform, but this time she was not alone. This time she was joined by a massive boulder.
"Uh...Applejack?" said Rainbow Dash. "I don't think this is such a good idea. Maybe we should go-"
"Go?" said Applejack. "Go!" she pushed the boulder off the platform. The boulder hit the target, but launched Rainbow Dash into the air so quickly, she didn't have any time to prepare herself. She flew through the air, screaming, "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" at the top of her lungs.
Applejack watched as Rainbow Dash was shot through the air. "Nothin' like a job well done!" she said happily.
Meanwhile, at the library...
Twilight decided to read a book out on the balcony. She heard Spike working inside. "Hey Twilight?" he yelled. "Where do you want your collection of glass figurines?"
"Put it by the fine china!" yelled Twilight. Her ears twitched. She looked around in confusion. That's weird, she thought, That sounded like screaming... Twilight looked and saw a blue blur heading straight for her.
"OUT OF THE WAY!" screamed Rainbow Dash as she came closer.
Twilight ducked and Dash flew straight into the library. She heard a crash, Spike swearing, and the sound of her plates and glass figures shattering. Twilight stood up, closed her book, and sighed, "Why do I have a feeling that this has something to do with Applejack?"
"Because it does!" yelled Dash from inside.
"My leg!" groaned Spike.
"Pansy." said Rainbow Dash.
A few minutes later...
Applejack kicked a tree and started to gather the apples that fell from it. She grabbed one with her teeth and lifted her head...only to smash her head against a tree branch. In pain, she lurched violently and smashed her head into another tree branch. Rubbing her head, she turned to see Twilight staring at her.
"Applejack? Can we talk?" asked Twilight.
Due to her head trauma, all Applejack heard was, "Applejack? Can we clop?"
Applejack's eyes widened as she stuttered, "L-look Twilight, yer a pretty mare and all, but Ah only like you as a friend."
"Wh-No!" said Twilight. "I said, 'Can we talk?'"
Applejack heard, "Can we stalk?"
"What?!" asked Applejack. "Stalk who? Is it Pinkie Pie? Ah heard rumors about you two..."
"CAN WE TALK!?" screamed Twilight.
"Of course we can talk!" said Applejack. "We're talkin' right now, Twilight. What made ya think we couldn't?"
"You know what?" said Twilight. "Fuck this, fuck you, you need help."
"NO HELP!" yelled Applejack. "EVER!" She ran away.
"Whelp, I tried." said Twilight.
Later, at Sugarcube Corner...
"Now Pinkie," began Mrs. Cake, "are you sure you can handle things here?"
"Sure can't!" said Pinkie happily.
"What?" asked Mrs. Cake.
"Sorry, sorry." said Pinkie. "I meant, 'Sure can'. Damn autocorrect..."
Mr. Cake shook his head as he grabbed boxes, "Thank God Applejack's here..."
Applejack nodded her head and said woozily, "That's right. I am here."
Pinkie bounced in place as she said, "That's right! You two have nothing to worry about because Applejack is here with me! She's the best baker in all of Ponyville!"
"BULLSHIT!" screamed Mrs. Cake. "I-uh-I mean, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about. Even though me and Carrot Cake won't be here, you'll at least have Ponyville's second-best baker to help you." Her eye twitched as she whispered to herself, "I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best..."
"Should we go, dear?" asked Mr. Cake.
Mrs. Cake turned to her husband and growled, "Don't tell me what to do, sperm bank." She stomped out of the bakery, mumbling to herself.
Mr. Cake gulped nervously, said, "Yes, dear", and followed her out of the building.
As soon as the Cakes left, Pinkie screamed, "KITCHEN!" She picked up Applejack and threw her into the kitchen. Pinkie walked in and said, "While I get the sugar, eggs, and MSG, you can get the chocolate chips."
"Sure, sure." said Applejack with a yawn. "What kind of chips?" she asked.
Pinkie repeated what she had just said, but to Applejack it seemed like she said, "Poker Chips." Shrugging, Applejack went back to Sweet Apple Acres and grabbed Granny Smith's poker chips. She ran back to Sugarcube Corner and dropped them into the bowl. "What's next?" she asked.
"Baking soda!" said Pinkie, who noticed Applejack putting poker chips into the bowl but didn't say anything out of fear that she'd ruin the chapter.
"Soda? Okay..." Applejack looked in the fridge for soda. She came back and said, "I couldn't find any soda, but will these energy drinks work?"
"Yep!" said Pinkie, who was now interested to see what else Applejack would put into the bowl. As Applejack poured five cans of energy drink into the mix, Pinkie said, "A cup of flour."
"A cup of hour?" repeated Applejack. She grabbed a clock and shoved into the bowl. "Weird..."
"...The last ingredient is wheat germ." said Pinkie.
Applejack glared at Pinkie and said, "Now look Pinkie, Ah may tired and out of it right now, but there's no way I'm putting worms into the muffins."
"You're right Applejack." said Pinkie. "What was I thinking? The last ingredient is cyanide."
"That's better." said Applejack. She went to go get some cyanide.
"I can't believe that worked." said Pinkie Pie with a grin. This was going to be fun.
Later...
"So...what exactly happened, Pinkie?" asked Twilight as she stared at the sick ponies around her. She, Pinkie Pie, and Spike (who had a cast on his broken leg) were all standing in an emergency medical tent, with sick ponies all around them.
"I don't know Twilight!" lied Pinkie Pie. "I thought Applejack baked baked goods, not baked bads."
Twilight sighed and said, "I'll go talk to her." She turned to Spike and said, "Stay here and help Nurse Redheart, Spike." She walked out of the tent and headed towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Pinkie sighed and mumbled, "Once Applejack learned what she did, she'll have to accept help from everyone. Then we can move on to the next chapter."
"What's that, Pinkie?" asked Spike.
"Oh, nothing!" answered Pinkie. "Go help out Nurse Redheart."
"You're here to help?" asked a nurse with white fur and a pink mane. "Great! You can start by cleaning the used bedpans. Follow me."
"Sure!" said Spike. He hobbled to where Nurse Redheart was walking to. "What are bedpans?"
Back at Sweet Apple Acres...
Applejack woke with a start. She looked around and discovered, much to her frustration, that she had fallen asleep while harvesting apples. She growled in anger and pulled the cart she was using to gather the apples towards a bucket. She dumped the apples, but was lifted up into the air when the cart tipped over. "Goddammit..." she muttered.
"Applejack, you got some 'splainin' to do!" yelled Twilight as she walked over to her.
"Twilight?" asked Applejack, who got an upside down view of her friend. "Look, those ponies were sick when Ah got there! No one can prove otherwise!"
"I call 'bullshit' on you, madam." said Twilight. "But we'll deal with that later. I want to tell you something. Something very important."
"What is it?" asked Applejack.
Twilight shushed her. "What I'm about to tell you will change your life forever. Are you ready?"
"What is it?" whispered Applejack. "Ah can take it!"
Twilight leaned closer and whispered, "Ok, this is the message." Twilight cleared her throat and yelled, "YOU NEED HELP YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!"
"No!" yelled Applejack. She struggled to get right side up, to no avail. "Um...a little help?" she asked sheepishly.
Twilight sighed and used her magic to put Applejack and the cart right side up.
"Thanks." said Applejack. "Anyway, like I was sayin'..." She cleared her throat and yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She ran away, leaving Twilight alone again.
"That pony is as stubborn as a mule." said Twilight. She turned around to see a mule looking at her with tears in his eyes. "Oooh..."
"Nice." said the mule, his voice breaking. He started crying, ran away, and screamed, "REAL NICE!"
"Now I have two people mad at me..." said Twilight.
Hours Later...
Fluttershy, Applejack, and Winona stood in a clearing, surrounded by bunnies. "Thank you so much for helping me, Applejack." said Fluttershy.
Applejack rolled her eyes and asked, "Why are we doin' this?"
"Well, there's a lot of baby bunnies that have been born." Fluttershy explained. "You know rabbits. They love to..." She smiled a creepy grin, "...mate." She closed her eyes and went, "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."
Applejack stared at Fluttershy for a few moments before clearing her throat loudly.
"Oh!" Fluttershy said, getting broken out of her thoughts. "Um...I need your herding skills in order to count them...please?"
"Fine." groaned Applejack. "Let's get this shit over with..."
"Just remember that these are baby bunnies." said Fluttershy. "They scare easily."
"WINONA! SIC 'EM!" yelled Applejack. The dog sprang into action and began chasing the bunnies. "I'll grab the shotgun!"
"Wait!" said Fluttershy. "We just need to count them!"
"They'll be easier to count..." began Applejack, putting her face closer to one of the bunny's. "...When they're dead." she growled.
Back in Ponyville...
"Spike? Why are you buying so much soap?" asked Rainbow Dash.
Spike (still wearing his cast), carrying at least 10 bottles of hand soap, muttered, "Never be clean, never be clean, never be clean..."
There was a rumbling noise and the ground started to shake. Rainbow Dash flew up into the air and yelled, "OH MY GOD!"
"What?!" screamed Spike, staring up at Rainbow Dash in horror.
"THE VIEW IS FUCKING GORGEOUS UP HERE!" hollered Rainbow Dash. "Oh yeah, and there's another stampede." she added calmly.
"Is it the cows again?!" asked Spike.
"No, it's...it's...BUNNIES!" yelled Dash.
As the ponies around him began to panic, Spike spotted the swarm of bunnies charging into Ponyville. "No! NO!" he yelled as he attempted to hobble away. Due to his leg, however, Spike was not able to get away in time and was lost amongst the sea of charging bunnies.
Minutes Later...
Twilight stared at Ponyville in shock. Bunnies were everywhere, eating flowers and jumping up and down on Spike's broken body.
"What-?" she began.
"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" screamed a cream colored pony with a red mane.
"Rose?" asked Twilight. "What happened?"
"It was awful!" screamed Daisy. "Wasn't it, Lily?"
"A stampede of bunnies charged through Ponyville!" screamed Lily.
Twilight spotted Fluttershy trying to round up the rabbits. She walked over to her and asked, "What happened?"
Fluttershy slowly turned her head towards Twilight and growled, "Talk to Applejack. Now."
"Ok!" squeaked Twilight in fear.
Back at Sweet Apple...blah blah blah...
Applejack was underneath a tree, dazing as she kicked it. "Stupid...trees..." she panted. "Why do we have so many off them?"
"Applejack!" yelled Twilight. "Enough is enough! You launched Rainbow Dash into my glass figures, poisoned half of Ponyville, and made a bunch of bunnies attack the town! YOU! NEED! HELP!"
Applejack kicked the tree one last time and all of the apples on the tree fell into her baskets. "Haha!" laughed Applejack triumphantly. "Who needs help now?"
Big Macintosh, dressed in a sexy black dress and wearing lipstick, walked over to her. "Ah think you do. You've only bucked 15 trees."
"What?" asked Applejack. Big Mac pointed a hoof and Applejack turned to see hundreds of trees laden with apples. "Guh...Buh...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Applejack's eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed on the ground, twitching slightly.
"Is she okay?" asked Twilight.
"Oh, she does this every year." said Big Mac. "She says that she can do it all herself, but always ends up overworked. She'll be fine in a few days."
"Ok. I guess the rest of us girls should help with the harvest, huh?"
"If ya'll wouldn't mind. Ah'd do it myself, but Ah'm still hurt."
Twilight nodded and said, "Okay." She started walking away, but turned her head and said, "Oh, and Big Mac?"
"Hmm?"
"That lipstick is not your color."
"Girl, yer just jealous."
One day later:
Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy worked in the apple orchard, while Applejack was sitting in a chair, watching them.
"Ah hate Applebuck Season." she grumbled.
Spike, in a full body cast and in a wheelchair, rolled up beside her. "Tell me about it."
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You just shattered the fourth wall there didnt you
1543574 There's a fourth wall?
I don't know why, but I allways imagine Caramel's voice in this fic like the psycos in Borderlands 2 (oh and I'm aware of my own typos, but I'm so bloody tired...)
Yeah, Twilight's jealous of Big Mac's fabulousness.
2741873
At least you don't spell it as physco... I hate it when people do that.
And now I'm imagining Caramel wearing a mask, carrying a buzz axe, and yelling "I hAvE tHe ShInIeSt MeAt BiCyClE!"
Holy shnikes that was the best line since Spikes letter to Celestia!
I know how you feel.
Troll.
6070762 It's not race, it's species. Lol.
rs1301.pbsrc.com/albums/ag118/Elanthiaa/CaptainAmericaUnderstoodThatReferencce_zps607e2675.gif~c200
Fluttershy is scaring me... assets.diylol.com/hfs/fd1/585/bcd/resized/parks-derp-meme-generator-oh-noez-i-just-pooped-myself-ff7c48.jpg
I don't care if the rest sucks, this section made it all worth it.
Reminds me of my dad's humor, whenever the wife complains about something with her dogs, he mentions that he's got a solution for it. Example: I know how to make them quieter. And less hyper. Hell, you can even keep them forever!
Not sure if fluttershy is voyeuristic or a zoophiliac…
Either way, I now have a very sexy image in my mind.
Sorry. I had to say it.
I am now convinced you were hyped up on LSD or possibly H while writing this story.
I bucking hate you right now. Yet I can't stop loving you for writing such a awesomely funny story such as this.
I need time to process these emotions. (Several sevonds later) DONE! Onwards to the next chapter!
PS. I'm still waitin on your address, these bills aren't gonna pay themselves.