• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Curses! Zebra'd Again!

The library was a mess. Books were scattered everywhere as Twilight frantically searched for a cure for her and Spike.

“None of these stupid things have anything useful in them!” yelled Twilight.

Spike flipped the page he was reading with his paw. “I found a recipe for quiche, but I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for.”

“…Can it fix my horn or turn you back into a dragon?” asked Twilight.

“The book doesn’t say, but I’m assuming the answer is no.” said Spike.

Twilight groaned and touched her limp horn. “There has to be a reason for this! A allergy or an illness…” She trailed off, poking her horn with her hoof.

Spike looked up and said, “Could you please not play with your horn? It’s freaking me out.”

Twilight glared at Spike, but stopped poking her horn. “This can’t be a curse. It has to be something real.”

Ppppfftt.

Spike looked at Twilight and asked, “Do you have to use the bathroom?”

“That wasn’t me!” said Twilight.

“Yeah, yeah.” said an unconvinced Spike. “You know what they say, ‘Whoever denied it supplied it’.”

Ppppfffttttt.

“At least open a window, Twilight.” said Spike as he went back to his cookbook.

Twilight turned around to see Pinkie standing by the door. Her tongue was sticking out of her mouth. It looked swollen, and had blue dots all over it.

“Pinkie?” asked Twilight. “What happened?”

“Pppphhffttt!” spluttered Pinkie, spraying spit everywhere.

Twilight wiped her face. “I’m going to guess that you’re dealing with the same thing we are.”

Pinkie nodded. She thought back to the night before.

The Night Before:

Pinkie looked at the episode script and sighed. “I know Zecora’s-” She paused as she heard a distant gasp, “Not evil. But treating her like this is the only way everyone else will know she’s not evil. If the others confront her and accuse her of cursing them, Zecora…” She heard another gasp and continued, “Will cure them and they can tell everyone how nice she is.”

She sighed as she looked at her pet. “What do you think, Gummy?”

The tiny, toothless crocodile blinked at her.

“You’re right.” said Pinkie. “It’s not fair to Zecora…” she heard a scream of terror, “If I keep letting everyone call her evil. I’m going to go down to Twilight’s tomorrow and tell everyone that she’s good! Nothing’s going to stop me!”

Pinkie’s tongue chose that moment to swell up and flop out of her mouth, rendering her unable to speak clearly.

“Thit.” spluttered Pinkie.

Now:

Pinkie blinked and spluttered again, spraying Twilight and Spike in saliva.

“Well, judging from how long you stared off into space, I’m guessing whatever happened was pretty bad.” said Twilight as Spike shook himself dry.

There was a loud thud. The three looked towards the window to see Rainbow Dash hit the glass over and over again. She smashed through the window and crashed against the wall.

“Am I dead?” said Rainbow woozily.

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Twilight as she tried to clean up the broken glass with her magic. Her horn sparked and flopped, and her magic failed. Twilight growled in frustration and turned back to Rainbow Dash, who was getting up.

“This!” said Rainbow, pointing at her wings, which were upside-down. “It’s like I’m flying with inverted controls! I think Zecora,” Pinkie and Spike gasped, “cursed us!”

“I agree, darling.” said a voice. The others turned and saw Rarity standing by the door. Or, at least, they assumed it was Rarity. The normally well-groomed mare was covered in thick strands of hair. It was like every bit of fur on her body had suddenly decided to become dreadlocks.

“Oh Christ! You’re hideous!” yelled Spike as he covered his eyes with his paws. “I-I mean you’re…hideously beautiful?”

“Ah told ya, Twilight!” came a squeaky voice. “Ah told ya that zebras are always puttin’ curses on things!”

The ponies looked to see a tiny Applejack standing on Apple Bloom’s back.

Apple Bloom smiled and said, “Don’t mind her. She’s always had a short fuse.”

Applejack glared at her sister and said, “When Ah get big again, Ah’m gonna kick yer smart little ass.”

“This can’t be a curse!” said Twilight desperately. She looked to the front door, where Fluttershy was walking in. “See? Fluttershy doesn’t look any different than what she normally does.”

The others stared at Fluttershy, who was silent.

“It’s true.” said Rarity. “She looks normal to me.” She blew hair out of her eyes and added, “Not that I can see much, mind you.”

Fluttershy was still silent.

“You…uh…are you ok, Fluttershy?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy shook her head.

“What’s the matter?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy pointed to her throat.

“Are you choking?” asked Spike.

Fluttershy shook her head. She raised a hoof high into the air.

“Tall?” suggested Applejack.

Fluttershy shook her head and kept holding her hoof in the air.

“High?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy nodded happily. Then she dropped her hoof to the ground and pointed at her throat.

“Low?” asked Twilight. She frowned when Fluttershy shook her head.

“Ground?” asked Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy shook her head.

“Falling?” suggested Rarity.

“Deep?” asked Spike.

Fluttershy nodded at Spike and pointed to her throat.

“You…are in deep trouble?” asked Rarity.

“Yer in deep shit?” asked Applejack.

“You’re deep underground?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy sighed. A deep baritone voice came out of her mouth as she said, “No, you dumb motherfuckers. I have a deep voice!”

“Oh!” said the gathered ponies in understanding.

“And you, Twilight,” began Rarity, “You have…uh…” She looked at Twilight’s wobbly horn. “…horn problems?”

“They make a pill for that, you know.” said Rainbow Dash.

“And then we have Spike,” continued Rarity as she turned to the dog/dragon, “Who is…” she trailed off as she got a good look at Spike. “Completely adorable!”

“I am?” asked Spike.

Fluttershy picked him up and nuzzled him. “I just want to put you on my bed and cuddle with you all night!” she said in her deep voice.

“That…would be so much better without that voice.” said Spike.

Rarity grabbed Spike from Fluttershy and held him close. “I wish I had a purse to put you in, so I could carry you around!”

Spike pointed to Fluttershy and said, “Don’t you want to use her suggestion? To cuddle with me all night?”

Before Rarity could respond, Rainbow Dash grabbed Spike from her. “Spike, this is awesome!” she exclaimed, setting him down. “You can be my loyal canine sidekick!” Rainbow smiled as she looked at Spike. “You need a catchphrase, though. Got any?”

“Um…” Spike thought for a minute. “Da-da-da-da-dada Puppy Power?”

Rainbow Dash stared at Spike for a minute. She walked away with a sigh. “You just ruined it.”

Applejack climbed up Spike and stood on his head. “Pay her no mind, Sugarcube. Ah think ya look great as a dog.” She paused. “Ya know Ah’ve got Winona, right? What’re yer thoughts on havin’ puppies?”

“…Can I name one Spike Jr.?” asked Spike.

Before Applejack could respond, Pinkie grabbed Spike and spluttered in his face.

Spike got down on the floor and wiped his face with his paw. “I didn’t even understand that, but given the way these questions are going, I’m sure I didn’t like it.”

“You know,” said Rainbow Dash suddenly, “We probably could find a cure for this curse at Zecora’s-” She paused as the others gasped, “place.”

“Ah agree with Dash.” said Applejack. She looked up at the others and said, “We need to go back into the forest and tell that good-for-nothin’ zebra to fix this.”

“This isn’t a curse!” said Twilight firmly. “And you all just want to blame Zecora-” There were more gasps, “Because you’re afraid of her.”

“And we’re afraid of her because she did this!” said Applejack, pointing to her shrunken body.

“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash. She pointed at Twilight’s horn. “Or do you like having erectile dysfunction on your forehead?”

Apple Bloom watched as the other ponies started to yell at each other. “This is mah fault.” she said with a sigh. She turned around and looked at the door. “Ah gotta fix this.” She walked out of the library, not noticing something small jump into her tail.

Rainbow Dash said loudly, “Look! We need to go and fight Zecora!” The others gasped. “I don’t care what you say, Twilight! Anyone who has a multi-colored mane has to be an asshole!”

Twilight stared. “Rainbow Dash, you have a multicolored mane. I have a multi-colored mane! Does that make us assholes?”

“Have you even been paying attention to some of the things we do or say to each other, Twilight?” asked Rainbow.

Twilight paused. “…Damn. That’s actually not a bad counter-argument.”

“Thanks.” said Rainbow Dash. “Look, sitting here won’t get us anywhere! We need to go and do something. Am I right, Applejack?”

No one answered.

Rainbow Dash looked around. “Right, Applejack?”

There was more silence.

“Say nothing if you agree, Applejack.”

No one made a sound.

“Applejack agrees with me.” said Rainbow smugly.

“Maybe someone stepped on her?” suggested Rarity.

Everyone in the room checked their hooves/paws, but found no trace of the tiny pony.

Twilight’s eyes widened as she thought of something. “Maybe someone sat on her! Everyone check your butts!”

Everyone did so…except for Rarity.

“I can’t see a thing with this hair in my face!” she exclaimed as she blew purple strands out of her face. “Can someone check for me?”

“I WILL!” Shouted Spike.

Twilight quickly grabbed Spike and held him still. “Fluttershy, can you check Rarity?”

“Cockblocker.” muttered Spike.

Fluttershy looked at Rarity’s rear end and said, “I can’t see Applejack, but I do see a lot of purple hair between your legs, Rarity.”

Spike’s eyes widened. “Her carpet matches her drapes!” he whispered in awe.

“Apple Bloom’s gone too!” said Twilight, ignoring Spike.

“They probably went after Zecora.” said Rainbow Dash, ignoring the gasps.

“Then we should go find them.” said Twilight. “Or at least meet them at Zecora’s.” Everyone gasped again.

“Gee, that’s a good idea.” said Rainbow Dash. “Why does it sound familiar?” She pretended to think for a minute. “Oh yeah. I’VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES!”

Twilight watched as Rainbow Dash attempted to fly, only for her to crash into the opposite wall. “Why don’t you just walk? You don’t have to fly.”

“Look,” said Rainbow angrily, “I didn’t spend five hours trying to fly here, hitting every single fucking thing as I did so, just to give up and start walking.” She got up and flew out the door.

Twilight ran after her. The others heard a shriek and a mare yelled, “What’s wrong with you? There are children out here!” Twilight grumbled as she walked back inside and went upstairs.

After a few minutes, Twilight came back down, a pair of tighty-whities on her head. “Shut up!” she growled at the others as they laughed.

Meanwhile:

Apple Bloom ran into the Everfree Forest, determined to find Zecora and convince her to help the others.

“Hold it right there, little lady!” said a tiny voice.

Apple Bloom stopped and looked around, but saw no one. “Who said that?” Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Are you mah conscience?”

“The hell Ah-” began the voice. There was the sound of a throat clearing. “Ah mean, yes. Ah’m yer conscience. You need to get on home. Right now. Leave that psycho zebra alone before she curses you too.”

“Sorry Mr. Conscience!” said Apple Bloom. “But Ah gotta get Zecora-” There was a tiny gasp. “To help the others.”

“No ya don’t!” argued the “conscience”. “Ya need to…Did you just call me a Mister?!”

“Wait…” said Apple Bloom. “I know that gravelly voice anywhere.” She reached in her mane and pulled out Applejack. “Applejack!”

“Yeah, it’s me.” admitted the tiny pony. “What do ya mean, my voice is gravelly?”

“Why are you here?” asked Apple Bloom.

“To get you to go home!” said Applejack. “What if Zecora…” She paused and waited for Apple Bloom to gasp. “…Ain’t ya gonna gasp?”

“Nope.” said Apple Bloom firmly.

“Fine. What if Zecora-” Applejack interrupted herself by letting out a loud gasp. “Does to you what she did to us? Ah don’t want mah baby sister to be cursed.”

Apple Bloom frowned and put Applejack on a nearby tree branch. “And Ah don’t want you to be tiny forever. Ah’ll be back with Zecora to turn ya back to normal in no time!” She ran off, leaving Applejack alone.

“Wow.” said Applejack, impressed. “What a brave kid. Why, if she pulls this off, Ah’m gonna-” The tree branch started cracking. Applejack looked back at the crack and then down at the ground. “KILL HER FOR LEAVING ME HERE!” yelled Applejack. The branch broke completely, making the tiny farm pony plummet to the forest floor.

Meanwhile:

The other ponies and Spike ran into the forest, desperate for a glimpse of Apple Bloom or Applejack.

“Come on!” said Twilight. “We need to head to Zecora’s!” She kept talking, ignoring everyone’s gasps. “Maybe we’ll find Apple Bloom there!”

“Maybe?” asked Spike as he ran alongside Twilight.

“Assuming the manticores, cliffs, terrifying trees, and surprisingly straight sea serpents don’t kill her first.” added Twilight.

Rainbow Dash was behind everyone, flying erratically. “Stupid fucking wings!” she growled as she spun through the air. “Why won’t you work?!” She looked ahead to see a large tree directly in her path. “Of course.” she said in a resigned tone. She braced for impact.

Rainbow slammed into the tree and hit the ground face first. Dazed, she rolled over onto her back and watched as the other girls ran past her. “Fucking bitches.” she muttered. She smacked her lips. “…Why do I taste apples?”

Suddenly, she felt something work its way back up her throat. She choked and gagged. The thing in her throat climbed up into her mouth and forced Rainbow to open her mouth.

“Get a Tic-Tac, Sugarcube.” said Applejack. She took off her hat and shook it, sending drops of rainbow-colored saliva everywhere. “Everything about ya is rainbow-colored, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” said Rainbow Dash, coughing and massaging her throat. “You should see it when I go to the bathroom.”

“Ah‘ve already seen enough of you today, seein’ how Ah was just in yer stomach.” said Applejack. She hopped on Rainbow’s belly. “We need to get to Zecora’s.” Rainbow Dash coughed again. “Start flyin’.”

“I’m not sure if you noticed,” said Rainbow Dash, “But I’m flying more crooked than Derpy when she has vertigo. How am I supposed to get us to Zecora’s?”

Applejack didn’t bother to gasp, and thought for a moment. “Yer wings are upside-down, right?”

“Yeah? And you’re tiny, Pinkie’s tongue’s huge, Fluttershy’s has a man’s voice, Rarity looks like a sheep dog, Spike is a dog, and Twilight needs a Viagra. What’s your point?”

“Why don’t you just fly upside-down?” suggested Applejack.

“…I can do that?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Meanwhile, deeper in the forest:

The other girls and Spike arrived at Zecora’s house. Much like Twilight, she lived in a tree. Unlike Twilight, she had decorated the tree with eerie masks, bottles, and bags. A door to the inside was on the trunk of the tree, and two windows were on either side of the door.

“God, what an eyesore.” said Rarity. “What kind of psychopath lives inside a tree?”

“I do.” said Twilight.

“…You’re different.” said Rarity after a pause. “You’re our psychopath.”

“Thanks.” said Twilight dryly. She stealthily walked over to the window and peered inside.

“Well,” said Rarity, eyeing the masks, bottles, and jars that were on the walls and shelves inside the tree, “Somebody shopped early for Nightmare Night, didn’t she?”

The backdoor opened and Zecora walked into the room. The ponies (and dragon) ducked underneath the window to avoid being seen. After a few moments, they raised their heads to see Zecora pour herbs into a large cauldron.

Zecora smiled down at the mixture and began chanting. “I put a spell on you, and now you’re mine! You can’t stop the things I do, I ain’t lyin’!

“My God!” said Rarity quietly. She turned to Twilight. “We told you she was evil! We just heard her gloating about it!”

“Relax Rarity.” whispered Twilight. “For all we know, that…could be from a movie?” Seeing Rarity’s unconvinced look, Twilight looked behind her to the others. “What do you guys think?”

Pinkie, Spike, and Fluttershy were paying no attention to what was going on. Instead, they were a little ways away from Twilight and Rarity. Pinkie and Spike were looking at Fluttershy with glee on the faces.

“Now say, ‘I’m the mare your mare could smell like’!” prompted Spike gleefully.

Fluttershy smiled. “Look at your mare,” she said in her deep voice, “Now back to me. Now back at your mare. Now back to me. Sadly, she isn’t me, but if she stopped using stallion-scented body wash and switched to New Nice, she could smell like me. Anything is possible when your mare smells like New Nice and not a stallion.” She got onto Pinkie’s back. “I’m on a horse. Yay.”

Spike and Pinkie burst out laughing.

Rarity’s eye twitched. “Is this what it feels like to be surrounded by idiots?” She looked at Twilight apologetically. “Is this how you feel whenever we do something stupid?”

“Pretty much.” said Twilight, adjusting the underwear on her head.

“I’m so sorry, dear.” said Rarity sincerely.

They heard Zecora mutter something inside. Twilight and Rarity looked back into the room to see the zebra taste the mixture in the pot.

“This should be ready for those ponies soon.” said Zecora. “To make sure, I must go get Apple Bloom.”

“Oh shit.” said Twilight.

“Twilight?” asked Rarity, moving her hair away from her ear. “Do you hear a whistling sound?”

Twilight and Rarity looked up to see a blue blur headed right for the door. It crashed through the wood, leaving a pony shaped hole. They looked back inside to see Rainbow Dash and Applejack glaring at Zecora.

“Alright, you ugly zebra mother-fucker.” said Applejack. She hopped onto Rainbow Dash’s back and grabbed her throat. “One false move and the pegasus gets it!”

“Wait…” said Zecora. “What?”

“Wait, what?!” yelled Rainbow Dash. She turned around to glare at Applejack. “Why the fuck would she care what happens to me?! I’m on your side!”

“Shh!” hushed Applejack. “Don’t give away our plan.”

“What plan?!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “You just had me break through her front door! You didn’t say anything about a plan!”

Twilight and the others ran into the room. Twilight looked at Zecora and said, “What have you done with Apple Groom?”

Fluttershy whispered in Twilight’s ear.

Twilight shook her head and asked, “What have you done with Apple Bloom?!”

“What are you guys doin’?” asked Apple Bloom as she walked in from the backdoor.

“Not now, Apple Bloom!” said Applejack. “We’re tryin’ to find out what happened to-” Applejack stared at her sister for moment before jumping off Rainbow Dash and running towards the filly. “Apple Bloom! Are ya alright? Did this damn, dirty zebra do anythin’ to ya?”

“I’m sure this situation can be amended,” said Zecora, “But I’m beginning to feel a bit offended.”

“Who, Zecora?” asked Apple Bloom. “She didn’t do nothin’. She just had me go out on my own, in a dark forest filled with dangerous creatures, and find plants that may or may not be toxic.”

“Yer…not makin’ me feel better about this, Sugarcube.” said Applejack.

“Zecora’s tryin’ to help ya’ll.” said Apple Bloom. She pointed to the cauldron. “That’s gonna make you better.”

“But what about the curse?” asked Spike. He pointed to himself. “I suppose you’re going to tell me that this much raw dragon machismo was turned into a dog by, I don’t know, a flower or something?”

“Ya were turned into a dog by a flower or somethin’!” said Apple Bloom. “Remember those blue flowers from yesterday?”

“You mean the zebra’s weed?” asked Rarity.

“Seriously, I don’t want to nitpick,” said Zecora, “But why are you acting like such a dick?”

“Those blue flowers are called Poison Joke.” explained Apple Bloom. “It’s effects are like a practical joke.”

“Are you saying that this,” began Twilight as she pulled off the underwear on her head and pointed to her horn, “Is some sort of joke?!”

Zecora looked uncomfortable at Twilight’s…situation. “I was wondering about the underwear, but I didn’t need to see what was under there.”

Apple Bloom pointed at the cauldron again. “Like Ah said, that’s meant to make ya’ll get better. It’s basically a big bubble bath.”

“The bath remedy is my niche, but a more simple solution would be to make a quiche.” said Zecora.

Spike shot Twilight a smug look.

“Fine.” said Twilight. “You were right. Don’t rub it in.”

“Ok, ok.” said Rarity. “I’ll buy that. But what about the chanting she was doing?”

“I know that this won’t sound groovy, but that was from my favorite movie.” explained Zecora.

Twilight shot Rarity a smug look.

“Fine, darling.” sighed Rarity. “You were right. Don’t rub it in.”

“Well, now that that’s settled,” said Apple Bloom. “Let’s get all of ya in this bath!” She frowned. “Where will we find a big enough tub?”

Rarity smiled. “I know the perfect place, dear! Follow me!” She ran for the door, but hit the wall next to it instead. Dazed, Rarity lifted the hair out of her eyes and said, with less enthusiasm, “Follow me.”

The ponies, former dragons, and a zebra walked out of the house, unaware that something was following them back to Ponyville.

Later, back in Ponyville:

Rainbow Dash punched Daisy in the face. “Zecora’s-” She waited for Daisy to stop gasping, “Not evil after all, alright. Stop saying that she is!”

“B-but Rainbow Dash, you, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie were the ones saying she was evil!” pointed out Daisy.

Rainbow Dash head butted Daisy, sending her to the ground. She looked at Roseluck and Lily and asked, “Who’s next?”

Later, in the Ponyville Spa:

“Where did you go, Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy as the other pegasus entered the spa.

“Just to talk to some ponies.” said Rainbow Dash, casually wiping blood off her hooves.

The two hopped into a large hot tub in the center of the room. Rarity and Twilight were already inside, the effects of the Poison Joke cured.

“I’m so glad my mane is back to normal.” said Rarity as she sighed in contentment.

“And my horn.” said Twilight, tapping her horn with her hoof.

“Able to get it up again, huh?” asked Rainbow Dash as she got into the water. There was a horrible cracking noise as her wings flipped right-side up.

“Didn’t that hurt?” asked Fluttershy, her voice back to normal.

“Excruciatingly.” replied Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie’s head popped up out of the water, her tongue back inside her mouth. “OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I CAN TALK AGAIN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I HAVE WANTED TO TALK IN THIS CHAPTER AND HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO I MEAN REALLY IT SUCKED ALL KINDS OF DICK!” she yelled, happy to be able to talk again.

Spike, back in dragon form, relax with his back against the edge of the hot tub. “You know, I think I’m going to miss being a dog. Chasing the mailman, having fleas, peeing wherever you want without being judged…”

“Spike?” asked Twilight. “Why is the water warmer next to you?”

“Sure am gonna miss it.” continued Spike. He laughed. “I mean, it’s not like it’s going to happen again, right?”

Applejack burst out of the water at the far end of the hot tub. “Jesus Christ on a Christmas tree!” she yelled. She glared at the others. “What were you thinkin’ puttin’ me in the big tub with ya’ll? Ah could’ve drowned!”

Zecora walked up to the tub. Twilight got out and stood before her. “The girls and Spike have something they want to say to you Zecora.”

The others, still in the tub, said in unison, “We’re sorry we hated and feared you because you’re a different species than us.”

Zecora smiled and waved her hoof dismissively. “I thank you for your words and apologize for calling you turds.”

“You see guys?” said Twilight. “Just because someone looks or acts different, it doesn’t mean that they should be hated and feared. We need to all be a little more acceptable and tolerant of each other’s differences. I think-”

The door opened and the human from the forest came in. He smiled as he looked at the gathered ponies. “Finally, I caught up with you guys. I’m can’t believe I’m in Ponyville! My name is-”

A blast of purple magic hit the human in the chest. The magic punched a hole right through his body. The human’s face was frozen in shock as his body fell backward onto the floor, smoke rising from his fatal wound.

Everyone stared at Twilight, shocked.

Twilight looked back at them, her horn smoking. “What?” she asked defensively. “He scared me.”

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