• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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A Stroll Through the Forest of Death

The six ponies reluctantly left the library and walked to the edge of the Everfree Forest. They stopped and looked at the dark forest in front of them. Strange noises could be heard coming from within.

"Well!" said Pinkie Pie cheerfully. "What are we waiting for? Let's go!" She started walking towards the darkness.

"Not so fast, Deathwish." said Twilight. Everypony stopped and looked at her. "Look, I appreciate you girls trying to help me, but I'd really rather do this on my own."

"But...why?" asked Pinkie.

"Honestly? I don't really like any of you." said Twilight. "So if you could all leave me alone, I may actually be able to get the Elements of Harmony, beat Nightmare Moon, and save Equestria before dying alone and scared in a pitch-black forest."

Applejack shook her head, "No way Sugarcube! There's no way we're lettin' a friend go in there alone! We're gonna stick to you like Caramel to his medication!"

"I DoN'T WanT to TAke ThE PilLS!" Screamed Caramel in the distance. "ThEY Make mE UNHAPPY!!!"

"But...but...you guys aren't my friends!" yelled Twilight. "I don't like any of you!"

The rest of the ponies, not paying attention, started chatting with themselves as they walked in the Everfree Forest. Pinkie stopped and looked at Twilight.

"We're all gonna die! This is gonna be awesome!" cheered the happy earth pony.

"So awesome..." sighed Twilight as she walked into the forest. She caught up to the rest of the ponies and asked nervously, "So...have any of you ever been in here before?"

"Good god, no!" said Rarity. "I mean, look around! Dirt...bugs...dirty bugs! This is not a place for a sophisticated pony like me!" Rarity turned her head and said snobbishly, "Though I suppose a pony like Applejack would feel right at home here..."

"Excuse me?" asked Applejack, glaring at Rarity. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Oh nothing, darling, nothing!" said Rarity with false cheer in her voice. "I just meant that you'd be used to the dirt and the bugs seeing how you probably never bathe and are probably infested with lice."

"Hey, I took a bath two days ago!" said Applejack as she glared at Rarity.

"This place...doesn't seem right..." said Twilight, interrupting the oncoming argument.

"They say that it don't work the same here as it does in Equestria." said Applejack nervously.

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Nopony knows!" said Rainbow Dash in a spooky voice. "They say that there are no dresses or fashion magazines..."

"No!" gasped Rarity.

"They say that the animals gather food and can take care of themselves..." continued Rainbow Dash.

"No!" whimpered Fluttershy.

"They say...that there are no parties...EVER!" said Rainbow Dash.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Pinkie Pie.

"Wait a second," said Twilight. "If nopony knows what goes on in here, then how do you know all of that?"

"Um..." faltered Rainbow Dash. "...Lucky guess?"

"More like you were just tryin' to scare everypony." said Applejack.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and said, "I'm just trying to lighten the mood! You all act like something bad will happen any-"

Before she could finish her sentence, the cliff that the ponies were standing on crumbled, and Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, and Twilight started falling down the slope. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were able to fly up into the air and avoid the debris from the collapsing cliff. They looked at the others slipping away.

"Um..." said Fluttershy as she looked at Rainbow Dash.

"Not. One. Word." growled Dash as she flew after the others. She grabbed Pinkie and took her to safety, while Fluttershy did the same for Rarity. Only Applejack and Twilight were still slipping down the slope.

Applejack grabbed a branch and managed to stop herself, but Twilight screamed as she slid closer to the edge of the cliff. She managed to grab a hold of the edge to stop herself from falling into the ravine below.

Applejack let go of the branch and started to slowly slide towards Twilight. "Hang on! I'm comin'!"

"That's what she said!" yelled Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

"Applejack!" said Twilight as Applejack grabbed her legs and attempted to haul her to safety. "What do I do?"

"Well...ya could start by exercisin' more..." grunted Applejack as she struggled to keep Twilight from falling. "But...in the meantime...ya need to let go."

Twilight laughed nervously. "Good one, Applejack. For a second I thought you said I should let go!"

"Um..." said Applejack, "Ah did."

"...ARE YOU INSANE?!" screamed Twilight. "In case you haven't noticed, the only thing keeping me from falling to my death is the fact that I'm not letting go!"

"Look, you'll be fine!" said Applejack.

"Are you even paying attention?!" shrieked Twilight. "I'M HANGING FROM A FUCKING PRECIPICE!"

"Ah know!" said Applejack. "But HONESTLY, I'm being completely HONEST here. If ya let go, you'll be perfectly safe! HONEST!"

Twilight looked into Applejack's eyes for a moment. Then she muttered, "Screw it." and let go of the cliff. She screamed as she started to plummet to her death...only to stop falling.

Twilight opened her eyes and saw that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had managed to fly down and catch her. Twilight sighed in relief.

"Damn, girl!" grunted Dash. "You do need to exercise more!"

"Um...if you want, I can show you how to make healthy salads if you want to lose a few pounds..." said Fluttershy quietly.

"Just shut up and put me on the ground." snarled Twilight.

The two pegasi gently lowered Twilight onto the ground below, where Rarity and Pinkie were waiting. Applejack managed to find a way down and the six ponies were off again.

Several minutes later

"...So then, I swooped down and grabbed Pinkie from certain death! I could have easily grabbed Rarity too, but I decided to let Fluttershy get a chance to save somepony. So I let her grab Rarity and pull her to safety."

The six ponies had managed to find the path again and were walking in the direction they thought the Ancient Castle was in. Along the way, Rainbow Dash had decided to pass the time by telling the group the story about how she saved them from falling to their deaths.

"And then, we saw you falling after Applejack convinced you to commit suicide." Continued Dash. "We took off, looped the loop around, and WHAM! Saved you right in the nick of time!"

"Ok. One, Applejack did not convince me to commit suicide." said an annoyed Twilight, "Second, all of this literally happened six minutes ago. We don't need to be reminded of it!"

"Reminded of what?" asked Pinkie.

"...Ok. Maybe Pinkie does need to be reminded, but the rest of us don't." said Twilight. "And third...thank you."

"Hmmm?" said Rainbow Dash, feigning deafness. "What was that?"

"I said, 'thank you'." said Twilight.

"Say 'Oh, thank you for saving my nerdy self from death, Rainbow Dash! You're so awesome!'" ordered Rainbow Dash.

"...I'm not saying that." said Twilight.

"Do it." said Dash

"No." said Twilight

"Do it."

"No!"

"Do it."

"NO!"

"Doooooo iiiiiiiit!"

"FINE! OH, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY NERDY SELF FROM DEATH, RAINBOW DASH! YOU'RE SOOOO AWESOME!" yelled a fed up Twilight.

"Um...excuse me?" said Fluttershy timidly, "I really don't think you should yell, who knows what kind of animals are in this forest."

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Twilight. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW AWESOME RAINBOW DASH IS!"

"I said, you should keep your voice down!" said Fluttershy. "You may attract a dangerous animal!"

"WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL?" yelled Pinkie Pie. "IS IT A PARTY ANIMAL? THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND!"

"AN ANIMAL?!" screamed Rarity. "WILD ANIMALS ARE FILTHY!"

"NOW HOLD ON, YA'LL!" hollered Applejack. "AH THINK WE SHOULD DO AS FLUTTERSHY SAID AND KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN!"

"WHAT SHOULD WE KEEP DOWN?!" asked Rainbow Dash.

"OUR VOICES!!!" answered Applejack.

"FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, WOULD YOU ALL KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!" screamed Fluttershy.

All of a sudden, a giant creature jumped out of the trees and roared at the ponies.

"...Way to go, Fluttershy." said Rainbow Dash. "Your yelling attracted a monster."

"You really should be more careful." said Twilight.

"B-b-but-" stuttered Fluttershy.

"What the hell is it anyway?" asked Rainbow Dash, ignoring Fluttershy.

The monster had a lion's head and body, bat-like wings, and a scorpion's tail. It roared again, this time with slight indignation at not being recognized.

"It's a manticore!" said Twilight. "But...shouldn't it have a human's head?"

"Uh, no." said Rainbow Dash. "Everypony knows that manticore's have lion heads."

"Is this really important right now?" asked Rarity. The manticore, hearing Rarity's voice, lunged towards her and tried to swipe her head. Rarity ducked and kicked the manticore right in the face. "Ha! You're nothing compared to Opalescence!" Partly from pain and partly from being compared to a housecat, the manticore roared in Rarity's face. As a result, Rarity's mane turned curly and frizzy.

"GODDAMN IT!" screamed Rarity as she felt her hair. "I SPENT 3 HOURS MAKING SURE THAT MY MANE WAS PERFECT!"

In a rage, Rarity kicked the manticore right in the crotch. The manticore squeaked in pain and decided to attack something a little less troublesome.

"Wait!" said Fluttershy.

Applejack, paying no attention to Fluttershy, jumped on top of the manticore's head. "Alright! Ah jumped on the thing's head!" Applejack paused and thought for a moment. "Wait...how was this supposed ta stop it, again?"

The manticore threw Applejack off of its head and she was launched towards Rainbow Dash.

"That was your big plan?" asked Rainbow Dash. "At least Rarity kicked it in the nuts."

"Shut up and go attack the damn thing." growled Applejack as she flew by.

"Wait!" repeated Fluttershy.

Not hearing (or caring) what Fluttershy said, Rainbow took off and started to fly around the manticore, engulfing it in a rainbow-colored tornado. The manticore growled and used his tail to smack Rainbow Dash, who was launched towards the rest of the ponies.

"Are you alright?" asked Twilight.

"Did you see that?!" said a frantic Rainbow Dash. "That tail just bitch-slapped me!"

The manticore growled at the ponies for calling his tail a bitch. The ponies, in turn, glared at the manticore and started to charge at him.

"WAIT, YOU BUNCH OF DUMBASSES!" yelled Fluttershy at the rest of the ponies. Everyone, including the manticore, stopped what they were doing and stared at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy smiled at the manticore and walked up to him.

"Ah can't watch!" said Applejack as she covered her eyes.

"I can!" said Pinkie as she munched on popcorn.

"It's okay." said Fluttershy as she nuzzled the manticore's paw. "Just show me where it hurts."

The manticore paused and held out a paw. Embedded in the paw was the tiniest thorn that anyone present had ever seen. Fluttershy plucked it out and then smiled sweetly at the manticore.

"Seriously?" asked Twilight. "All of that roaring and growling over a tiny little thorn?"

"Well, yes." said the manticore in an upper-crust accent. "It was quite painful. But I suppose I should apologize to you ponies for my ghastly behavior."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a sec." said Rainbow Dash. "You could talk this whole time?"

"Well...yes." said the manticore.

"And you've just been roaring and attacking us without saying what was wrong with you?" asked Twilight. "Why didn't you say something before?"

The manticore pointed to the thorn. "That thing really fucking hurt." He turned to Fluttershy. "I must thank you for pulling it out, my dear."

"Oh, it's no problem." said Fluttershy. "After all, a little KINDNESS goes a long way."

"What do you mean?" asked the manticore.

"All I'm saying is that it's KIND of nice to be KIND, as KINDNESS is KIND of like the most important thing ever."

The ponies said their goodbyes to the manticore and trotted off down the path. The manticore waved them goodbye, took a step, and immediately stepped on the thorn again.

"SON OF A-" yelled the manticore.

A few minutes later

"Ugh..." groaned Rarity. She glanced around at the wilderness. "All this nature stuff is a real eyesore. My eyes need a break from all this icky muck..."

As the ponies continued down the path, the trees overhead blocked out the moonlight, leaving them in almost complete darkness.

"Ya had ta say it, didn't ya?" said Applejack.

"Shut up." replied Rarity.

"Geez, it's dark." observed Twilight. "We could run right into the Ancient Castle and not even know it."

"I think if we actually ran into the castle, we'd know it." said Pinkie. "Running face-first into stone masonry is hard to miss."

"That's not what I mean." said Twilight.

"EEP!" squeaked Fluttershy. "Um...Rarity? Please back up. Your horn is right up my..."

"Oh! I'm so sorry, darling." said Rarity. "I can't see a thing in this darkness."

"Hey! Whose hooves are on my butt?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, sorry Rainbow." said Applejack.

"I didn't say to let go..."

"Aw crap!" muttered Applejack. "Ah think Ah just stepped in somethin'."

Fluttershy screamed.

"Ah know it's gross, but I think it's just mud." said Applejack. "At least, Ah hope it's just mud..."

"It's not that..." murmured Fluttershy.

"Then what?" asked Applejack. She turned and came face-to-face with a horrible looking face. "OH MAH GOD!" she screamed as she jumped back.

The ponies looked around them and saw that they were surrounded by horrific looking monsters. They all screamed in fear...except for Pinkie Pie, who just started laughing and making strange faces at the monsters.

"Pinkie! Are you crazy?!" yelled Twilight.

"LIKE A FOX!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Now shut up and listen to my song!"

"A song?" asked Fluttershy.

"When I was a little filly
and the sun was going dooooooowwwn"

"Are you serious right now?" asked Twilight.

Ignoring her, Pinkie continued singing,

"The darkness and the shadows,
They would always made me froooooooowwwwwwn"

"I think she's serious right now." said Rarity.

"Apparently." agreed Twilight.

"I'd hide under my pillow
From what I thought I saw,
But Granny Pie said that that wasn't the way
To deal with fears at all!"

"I don't think 'saw' and 'all' really rhyme." said Rainbow Dash.

"She said, Pinkie,
If you don't get out of this bed,
You going to wish that
The monsters made you dead.

So just laugh at all your fears
While I crack open a few beers

Even when they eat your liver
Never let them see you shiver

Even when your friends are killed one by one
At least you'll still be around to have some fun..."

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" yelled Twilight. "The fuck was that?"

"Hmm?" said Pinkie. "Oh, that was just Maniac92 trying his best to parody Giggle at the Ghostly. Unfortunately, his 'best' is what most people would call 'mediocre'."

"I don't know who Maniac92 is or what Giggle at the Ghostly is!" said Twilight.

"Oh. Well, the main point is that you have to laugh at the things that scare you. To be able to recognize that your fears are getting taken way out of proportion and laugh at how ridiculous they are." explained Pinkie.

"Oh." The ponies said in unison. They laughed and the 'horrible monsters' turned back into trees.

"See?" asked Pinkie. "LAUGHTER is the best medicine! When you LAUGH, the world LAUGHS with you. Blah blah blah LAUGHTER."

Still laughing, the ponies, with Pinkie in the lead, continued down the path...

Several minutes later

"Twi...Ah...Ah can't stop laughin'..." laughed Applejack as the group, still being led by Pinkie Pie, continued down the path.

"Me neither..." giggled Twilight in worry.

"I...I...can't breathe!" chortled Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie suddenly came to a stop and the rest of the group ran into her.

"Pinkie!" said Twilight, having stopped laughing, "Why did you stop?"

"I think it may have something to do with the giant river that's in front of us." said Rarity.

And indeed, the six ponies had reached the bank of a gigantic raging river. The water was violent and churning and would sweep away the ponies if they tried to swim to the other side.

"Now what?" asked Applejack.

"Oh my stars!" screamed an effeminate voice.

"What was that?" asked Twilight.

The ponies headed up the bank and saw a large purple sea serpent sobbing and splashing the waves. He had orange hair and half of a bushy orange mustache.

"This is just super unfabulous!" said the serpent. "Why? Dear Celestia, WHY?!"

"Um...excuse me?" asked Twilight. "Why are you crying?"

"Um, helloooo!" The serpent pointed at his damaged facial hair. "Can you not see that someone has committed a crime against all fabulousity?! Here I was, looking all sorts of gorgeous, when all of a sudden this little cloud of blue smoke blew by and sliced my moustache clean off my face! And now, I'm just hideous! I mean, I can deal with a chipped claw, or a missing scale, but this?! Oh, what a world!" The serpent threw himself backwards and landed in the water with a large splash, which completely soaked the six ponies.

"Are you serious?" asked a drenched Dash.

"That's what all this bitchin' is about?" asked an equally soaked Applejack.

"Oh, isn't that the most horrible thing you've ever heard?" asked Rarity.

"No." answered the others.

"Are all of you blind?" asked an outraged Rarity. "I mean, just look at him!" She walked over to the serpent. "Such lovely scales!"

"I know!" agreed the serpent.

"Such an expertly styled hairdo!" continued Rarity.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a perfect hairdo when you spend all of your time in the water?" asked the serpent. "It's almost impossible!" He was starting to cheer up a little.

"Your perfect manicure!" praised Rarity.

"Testify, sister!" said the serpent.

"And all of it means nothing without your moustache!" said Rarity.

"I know! I'm hideous! Don't look at me!" said the serpent, as he tried to hide himself from view.

"AW, HELL NAW!" said Rarity. She ran up to the serpent and plucked a scale off his body.

"YEEEEEEOOOOW!" said the serpent. "What the fu-"

"SILENCE!" ordered Rarity. "I AM DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!" She grabbed the scale with her teeth and brandished it like a sword.

"Rarity?" asked Twilight. "What're you-?"

There was a slicing sound.

A couple of minutes later

"I simply can't believe you cut your tail and used it as a substitute for my moustache!" said the serpent.

Rarity smiled and said, "Oh, it's no problem at all! It's easy to make these kind of sacrifices when you're GENEROUS!"

"But Rarity, what about your tail?" asked Twilight.

Rarity looked back at her now shortened tail. "Oh, it's alright dear. The stallions like a girl that shows a little flank."

"Good thing Spike's not here..." murmured Twilight.

Back at the library

Spike snorted in his sleep and mumbled something along the lines of, "Sexy senses...tingling..."

Back to the others

"Allow me to help you ladies across!" said the serpent. He used his body as a bridge over the river.

The ponies crossed and waved to the serpent. "Thank you for the help!" said Rarity.

"Thank you for the wonderful moustache! My girlfriend will love it!" said the serpent.

"Wait...you have a girlfriend?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I thought you were..."

Before she could finish, however, the serpent swam away. The ponies continued down the path, drawing ever closer to the castle.

"I thought he was gay!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Me too." said Fluttershy.

"So does the large majority of the fandom!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Hey!" said Twilight. She pointed across a ravine. "There's the ruins! We're almost there!"

"One thing though," said Applejack, "The bridge is down and there's no way across."

"Relax!" said Rainbow Dash. "I'll just go and fix the bridge." Rainbow flew down the cliff and grabbed the broken end of the bridge. She flew to the other side of the gorge and was about to tie the rope of the bridge to the post.

"Raaaaaaainbow..." said a voice.

Rainbow set the rope on the ground and asked, "Who's there?"

"Rainbow..." repeated the voice.

"Come out here!" said Rainbow Dash. "I'm not afraid of you!"

A fog rolled in and the voice continued, "We've been waiting for the best flier in Equestria...and we think that's you!"

"Well, duh!" said Rainbow Dash. "Tell me something I don't know."

Three pegasi in dark uniforms walked out of the fog and stopped in front of Dash. "We want you to join us!"

"Ok. I'm gonna stop you right there." said Rainbow Dash.

"Say what?" said one of the pegasi.

"I know that you're just one of Nightmare Moon's tricks to get me to abandon my friends." said Rainbow. "And let me tell you, there's nothing you can say that will make me leave them behind."

"But-"

Rainbow tied the rope to the post and glared at the trio. "I don't want to hear your lies. Get bent, losers!" She flew back to the others.

A white furred pegasus with a blue mane turned to a yellow furred pegasus with an orange mane and said, "I told you these new uniforms were a bad idea, Spitfire."

Spitfire put a hoof to her face and said, "Shut up, Soarin'."

Rainbow Dash flew back to the others, who cheered when they saw her.

"You did it!" cheered Twilight.

"Duh! I never let people down! I'm LOYAL like that!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Wait...wait. Why do you guys keep putting so much emphasis on words?" asked Twilight.

"What do ya mean?" asked Applejack.

"You know, like you with 'HONESTY' or Rainbow Dash with 'LOYALTY'."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Twilight." said Rarity. "But the castle is right up ahead. Let's go so we can get back to Ponyville."

"I'm so confused." said Twilight as the group crossed the bridge and headed into the ruins.

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