• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Paranoia Party

“Ow…” muttered Pinkamena as she walked back into the bedroom. Bandages were wrapped around her hoof and she winced every time she put pressure on it. “I can’t believe I got cut…”

“You did punch a mirror and then grab a jagged piece of glass,” said Spike, still tied up on the bed. "I'm not sure what you were expecting."

“Shut up!” growled Pinkamena. “Tell me where Twilight and her friends are!”

“Why do you keep saying her friends?” asked Spike. “They’re your friends too.”

“Friends don’t steal shit from each other,” said Pinkamena. “And they don’t lie to the friend they stole it from!”

“What did they steal?” asked Spike. “That binder?”

“YES!” screamed Pinkamena. “Now where are they?!”

“Beats the hell out of me,” said Spike, shrugging. “They don’t tell me anything.”

Pinkamena growled in frustration and stomped out of the room.

“...Are you coming back?!” Spike called after her. After several seconds with no response, he squirmed uncomfortably. “I kind of have to pee…”

Pinkie stormed out of Sugarcube Corner, grumbling to herself. “Stupid useless dragon…” she muttered. “How hard is it to know where Twilight is?”

“Hey Bon Bon?” asked a voice. Pinkamena turned her head and saw Lyra and Bon Bon sitting at a table in an outdoor café. Lyra was pointing down the road with her knife. “Isn’t that Twilight over there? Why’s she sneaking around like that?”

Pinkamena turned her head so fast, her neck cracked. Down the road was Twilight, who was wearing a bag and stealthily making her way towards Sweet Apple Acres.

“Don’t point with your knife, Lyra, it’s rude,” said Bon Bon, chewing on her sandwich. She swallowed and stared at the unicorn. “…How are you even holding that, anyway? We don’t have fingers.”

As if on cue, the knife fell to the ground.

“Damn it!” said Lyra. She glared at Bon Bon. “I told you to never question how anyone holds things! It always makes ponies drop what they’re holding.”

“You can always use your magic to hold stuff,” said Bon Bon, shrugging. “Besides, you were going to take someone’s eye out with the way you were waving that knife around.”

“Only on accident! Only a psychopath would deliberately hurt somebody with a knife,” said Lyra. “How are you holding onto your sandwich, by the way?”

As if on cue, Bon Bon’s sandwich dropped to the ground.

Bon Bon frowned. “…You little bitch.”

“Serves you right,” said Lyra smugly, looking down in order to get her knife. After a few seconds of searching, she said, “Where the hell is it? I know I dropped it around here!”

Pinkamena held the stolen knife tightly in her hoof as she sped after Twilight, careful not to question how she was holding onto it without fingers. She spotted Twilight further down the path, entering and closing the gate of Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight, who still hadn’t noticed her pink pursuer, quickly moved towards Applejack’s barn.

Pinkamena leapt over the gate and ran after Twilight. She followed her down the orchard’s path, moving through the apple trees as she stalked the unicorn.

Eventually, Twilight came to a stop outside of Applejack’s barn, where the hat wearing earth pony was waiting for her. Pinkamena quickly hid behind a tree and leaned, watching them.

“Damn, Sugarcube!” said Applejack. “She didn’t follow ya here, did she? You were runnin’ like Caramel when we force him to take his meds.”

“I…didn’t want…her to see me…” panted Twilight. She took a deep breath and said, “I don’t think she’s anywhere around here, but I wanted to be careful.”

“Good,” said Applejack, “The others are already inside.” She leaned in close and said, “Do you got it?”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. Her horn glowed and a familiar-looking black binder floated out of the bag she was carrying. “It’s a good thing Pinkie hasn’t got her hooves on this, huh?”

Something snapped inside of Pinkamena. Caution be damned, she rushed out from behind the tree charging towards the two ponies with her knife drawn.

“Let’s get inside,” said Applejack, not noticing the murderous pony coming towards her. She and Twilight walked into the barn and shut the door right as Pinkamena dove at them.

Pinkamena slammed into the door and lost her grip on the knife, which dropped to the ground. Pinkamena stumbled around, dazed, and collapsed a few feet away from it.

Growling, she shook her head and stood up. She examined the heavy wooden door and frowned. She attempted to push it open, but found that it was locked. “Shit…” she muttered. She looked around for an open window, but couldn’t see any. Growling, she turned around and stomped back to town, leaving the knife behind her.

“Think they can steal from me…” she muttered, trudging up the stairs of Sugarcube Corner, “Think I’ll fall for their lies…they have another thing coming…”

Spike jumped as Pinkamena kicked her bedroom door open. “Don’t do that!” he said as he calmed down. He crossed his legs tightly and said, “I’ve had to pee for the past twenty minutes! Can you please untie me so I can go?”

Pinkamena ignored him and paced the room. “Need to get into that barn…” she muttered. “Maybe I could trick Granny Smith into getting Applejack to open the door…”

“Um…Pinkie?” asked Spike.

“I could light the barn on fire…” muttered Pinkamena. “They’ll either come out or burn to death…but that’d destroy the script…”

“Pinkie?” asked Spike. He wiggled in place. “The ropes?”

“I wonder if Apple Bloom would help me if I told her she’d get a Cutie Mark in assisted homicide?” asked Pinkamena, ignoring Spike.

“Pink-” began Spike.

“Shut up!” yelled Pinkamena, turning to glare at him.

“Hey Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash, walking into the room. “What happened to your door?” She paused as she looked Spike, who was still tied up on the bed, to Pinkamena, who was still glaring at him. “Oh!” said Rainbow, her eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you two. I’ll come back later.” She looked at the two of them and asked hopefully, “Unless you’re at the point in your relationship that you’re comfortable with threesomes?”

“Rainbow Dash!” said Spike. “Pinkie’s fucking crazy!”

Rainbow smiled and said, “You know what they say, Spike! Crazy in the head, crazy in be-”

“What do you want?” snarled Pinkamena, cutting Rainbow off.

“Oh!” said Rainbow, remembering why she was there. “I came to get you and Spike and bring you over to Applejack’s barn!”

Pinkamena’s eyes widened. “Applejack’s barn?” she repeated.

“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash. “We’ve got a surprise for you! Something we know you’re gonna love!”

Pinkamena narrowed her eyes at Rainbow. “Oh really? I have a surprise for all of you as well. It’ll be to die for.” One of her eyes twitched as she laughed evilly.

“Cool!” said Rainbow. “Let’s get going!” She flew over to Spike and untied him.

“Oh thank god!” said Spike, rushing off to the bathroom. He slammed the door shut behind him. “Ah…” the two mares heard him moan. “Oh my god…this is such a relief…whew…”

Rainbow and Pinkamena were silent as they waited for Spike to finish. Pinkamena was staring daggers at Rainbow Dash, who scratched her face awkwardly.

“So…you and Spike, huh?” asked Rainbow suddenly. “I never really took you for the dominant type, Pinkie. If you want, you can always ask me for advice if you need to. I can give you some pointers.”

“I will fucking cut you if you are not silent,” growled Pinkamena.

“…Good attempt,” said Rainbow Dash. “But most guys aren’t into the whole ‘crazy murderess’ thing. Just offer to step on his face or whip him or something. That’ll get him going.”

There was the sound of a toilet flushing and Spike walked out of the bathroom, drying his hands on a small towel. “Much better…” he sighed, throwing the towel behind him.

“Finally!” said Rainbow. She grabbed Pinkamena and Spike and flew out the window. She sped for Sweet Apple Acres and landed in front of the barn. She pushed the door open and said, “We’re here!” She quickly pushed Pinkamena inside.

“SURPRISE!” yelled Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity, who were all wearing party hats on their heads. Gummy was sitting in front of them, blinking slowly with a party hat crookedly placed on his head.

Pinkamena growled as she saw the grins on their faces. “You…you all think you can steal from me? That you can lie to me?! That you can mock me with…with…whatever this is?!”

“You don’t like it?” asked Fluttershy, frowning.

“OF COURSE I DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT!” screamed Pinkamena. “YOU ALL STOLE MY SCRIPT FROM ME!”

“Your script?” asked Twilight. “We don’t-” She choked as Pinkamena’s hooves wrapped around her throat.

“Don’t you fucking lie to me!” spat Pinkamena. “All I’ve heard all day is how you have a black binder that looks just like my script!”

“You mean this?” asked Rarity, levitating the black binder up in the air.

Pinkamena gasped and let go of Twilight, who coughed and clutched her throat. Pinkamena quickly ran over and grabbed the binder out of the air.

“Finally!” she said, turning it over. “My…” She paused and reread the label on it. “…Plans for Pinkie’s Birthday Party?”

“Well…yeah,” said Rainbow, walking over. “You somehow always know when someone wants to throw you a party. We wanted to surprise you for once.”

“Twilight spent all day comin’ up with plans and backup plans for this,” said Applejack, helping Twilight up off the floor.

“She even had Fluttershy and I go out and buy extra decorations,” said Rarity. “Just in case you found out about it and we needed to redecorate.”

Pinkamena looked around the room, taking in the confetti, the balloons, the streamers, the cake, the snacks, the drinks, and the gifts.

“You…you did all of this?” she asked. “…For me?”

“Yeah…” coughed Twilight. “We’re your friends, Pinkie. Of course we’d make sure you’d have a good time on your birthday.” She coughed again.

Pinkamena was frozen for a moment. Then she walked over to Twilight and gave her a hug. Her mane seemed to inflate and get curly again, while her fur became a bright pink.

“I’m sorry,” said Pinkie, hugging Twilight. “I’m so sorry…”

Twilight coughed again as she patted Pinkie on the back, “It’s alright, Pinkie…” She choked as Pinkie hugged her tighter. “Pinkie…Pinkie! Ease up a little!”

“Oh!” said Pinkie, releasing Twilight. “Sorry again.” She walked over to Spike and gave him a hug as well. “Sorry for kidnapping you, Spike.”

“You got kidnapped?!” asked Twilight. She sighed and said, “You really were a liability.”

Spike ignored Twilight and looked up at Pinkie. “So, does this mean you’re done being murderously crazy?”

“Yep!” said Pinkie, patting his head. “Now it’s just my usual brand of crazy!”

“…Is that any better?” asked Spike.

“Yep!” repeated Pinkie. “Now, let’s party!”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash watched as Pinkie let Spike go and bounced all around the barn, enjoying the party they had set up for her.

“Glad everything’s back to normal,” said Applejack. She looked over at Rainbow Dash. “Still feel weird after what happened at Gummy’s party?”

“Nah,” said Rainbow. She leaned against the stereo and said, “I think that-”

“We can’t have a party without music!” interrupted Pinkie, walking over to them. She hit the play button on the stereo and walked away.

Let’s talk about sex baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about bubbles in the tub,
Let’s talk about makin’ love…” sang the voice on the stereo.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, their faces red.

“Opposite sides of the barn?” asked Applejack.

“Opposite sides of the barn,” nodded Rainbow Dash.

The two ponies walked away from each other, determined not to look at each other.

Hours later:

Pinkie flopped onto her bed, exhausted. “That was so much fun, wasn’t it?” she asked Gummy as he crawled onto the bed.

Gummy blinked slowly at her. Then he opened his mouth and gave her a toothless smile.

Pinkie giggled and pulled him close. “I can’t believe I went cuckoo just because my script was missing.” She squeezed Gummy and said, “You know what? I don’t even care what happened to it. I’d be fine without using that script ever again!” She squeezed Gummy tighter.

Gummy choked. He coughed harshly.

“Oh no!” said Pinkie, alarmed. “Don’t worry! I’ll save you!” She wrapped her arms around Gummy and squeezed.

Gummy retched and a black binder was launched from his mouth.

“Huh?” asked Pinkie. She set Gummy down and looked over at the soggy binder. “My script?” She looked back at Gummy. “You swallowed it?”

Gummy grumbled and smacked his head against the bed’s headboard.

Pinkie giggled and picked Gummy up. “You were trying to get me to stop using the script, weren’t you?” She gave him a hug. “Don’t worry, Gummy. I know that I have a problem with looking at it all the time. This experience has taught me that I don’t need to use the script for everything.”

She set Gummy down and picked up the script. She walked over to the wastebasket against the wall and dropped it in.

“See?” Pinkie said triumphantly, looking back at Gummy. “No more script!” She walked back and patted Gummy on the head. “Now…we’ve had a long day, haven’t we? Let’s hit the hay!”

Gummy yawned and walked over to the small pet bed on the opposite side of the room. He plopped down and shut his eyes. Within a few moments, he was fast asleep.

Pinkie’s grin faded as she watched Gummy. Once she was sure he was asleep, she quietly reached into the wastebasket and pulled the script out. She turned out the lights and crept into bed, throwing the covers up over her head. There was a click of a flashlight and light shone underneath the blankets.

“Just in case…” whispered Pinkie.

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