• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Fashion Disasters

Later that night, a runway was set up outside of Rarity’s boutique. Ponies from all over Ponyville came to watch as the models got ready to strut their stuff. Inside the shop, Rarity was still in a dazed trance.

“You’re kidding,” droned Rarity, a string of drool hanging from her mouth.

Opal sighed and batted her owner on the head.

“Ow!” cried Rarity. She blinked. “Wait! Hoity Toity! Here! Watching! Dresses! Ugly! Pain! Humiliation! Must! Keep! Talking! Like! This!”

She looked at the entrance to her store, where a large curtain had been set up. Taking a deep breath, Rarity began to walk towards it. “Maybe I’m overreacting,” she said calmly, “There can’t possibly be that many ponies out there…” She poked her head out.

The whole population of Ponyville saw Rarity and gave her a wave.

“Oh fuck…” she muttered. Her eyes scanned the crowd. Rarity let out a gasp. “There he is!”

A grey-furred pony with a white mane was standing at the end of the runway. His eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses.

“Oh God…” muttered Rarity. “It’s Hoity Toity! I bet he’s already judging me…”

Hoity let out a snore.

“Mr. Toity?” asked a mare. “Are you asleep?”

Hoity Toity let out a snort as he jerked awake. “Asleep? Me? That’s ridiculous! I was just…uh…resting my eyes! We in the fashion business need plenty of rest for our eyes. We can’t strain them before looking at someone’s new…” The mare kept staring at him. “…Alright, you got me. I was asleep.”

“You always did love naptime,” said a voice.

Hoity Toity’s jaw dropped. He turned and faced the speaker. “Vinyl?”

Vinyl Scratch pushed her sunglasses up and smirked at the stallion. “How’s it going, brother?”

Hoity shut his mouth and cleared his throat. “Fine, it’s going fine. Being a success and all that. How’s your ‘music career’?”

Vinyl glared at him. “You just put quotes around ‘music career’, didn’t you?”

Hoity shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, Vinyl. Money isn’t everything, after all. If you want to spend your life with your little DJ hobby-”

“I make plenty of money with my DJ job, thank you very much,” said Vinyl. “God, ever since you got that fortune cookie, you’ve been nothing but an arrogant prick. You didn’t even show up for Dad’s birthday.”

“I was at a show in Manehattan and I sent Father a lovely gift!” said Hoity, “I don’t recall you or Neon visiting Mother on Mother's day.”

“We had a gig and we sent her a card!” growled Vinyl. “Besides, neither you or Photo were there for my birth!”

“For the last time,” yelled Hoity, “We didn’t show up because you are the oldest! We weren’t even born yet!”

“Your mother!” yelled Vinyl.

“My mother is your mother, you idiot!” yelled Hoity.

While this sibling spat continued, Rarity was in the fetal position inside her shop. “Ok…just calm down…” she told herself. “The others liked the dresses…maybe he will too?”

“Not a chance, Rarity!” Rarity argued with herself. “He’s a famous fashion expert! He’ll tear those things apart.”

“You don’t know that, Rarity!” replied Rarity. “He could like them!”

“Only if he was blind!” argued Rarity.

“Girls, girls!” yelled Rarity to Rarity and Rarity. “Arguing isn’t going to solve anything.”

“You stay out of this!” yelled Rarity and Rarity to Rarity.

“Um…Rarity?” asked Spike, tapping her on the shoulder.

“WHAT?!” yelled the frantic unicorn, her eye twitching.

“I hate to interrupt you yelling at yourself,” began Spike, “But the show’s about to start.”

“Oh good…” moaned Rarity. She looked at the dragon. “Spike, if I told you to just kill me now, would you?”

“I have a poorly concealed crush on you,” said Spike, “So no.”

“What was that?” asked Rarity.

“I said, the show’s starting!” lied Spike, his face red. “The girls are all ready to go!”

The lights outside dimmed.

“Well,” said Hoity Toity, “As horrible as this little family reunion has been, some of us have to work.”

“You’re telling me!” said Vinyl happily. “I’m needed on stage.”

You’re providing the music?” asked Hoity skeptically.

“Yep!” said Vinyl. “And I’ve even got the perfect song for this thing!” She ran up on stage, where her equipment was waiting for her. She pulled out a record and smiled. “This is gonna be good!” She placed the record and it started to play; the singer’s voice coming out of the speakers:

I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt,
So sexy it hurts.”

“This song is a classic!” said a stallion in the crowd.

Another one patted him on the back. “Right said, Fred.”

The spotlight shone down on the runway, where Spike was standing with a microphone in hand. He cleared his throat and said, “Ladies and gentlemen. Carousel Boutique proudly presents this free show-”

“Free?!” said Lyra. “I paid thirty bits to be here!”

“I paid fifty!” said Colgate.

“Let’s not stress over the details!” said Spike nervously, hiding a large bag of bits behind him. “A-anyway…let’s hear it for these breath-taking designs by Ponyville’s own Rarity!”

The curtains opened to reveal Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash. Each of the girls were wearing the dresses they designed.

Twilight’s dress was dark purple and had constellations all over it. Several sticks with stars were sticking up out of her mane. As Twilight walked forward, she stepped on the hem of her dress and almost stumbled. Regaining her balance, she walked down the runway.

Applejack’s dress had an almost argyle-pattern of white, yellow, orange, and green. A large red hat was on her head and her galoshes made squeaking noises as she moved down the catwalk.

Fluttershy’s dress was a light green with pink flowers adorning it. Fuzzy green slippers were on her hooves, red and yellow flowers hung on her neck, and a bird nest was on her head. As she walked down the catwalk, one of the eggs in the nest cracked open and a bird flew out.

Rainbow Dash’s battle armor gleamed in the spotlight as she stomped down the runway. With her golden boots, metal helm, and cape, she looked ready for war rather than a dance.

Pinkie’s dress was a hodge-podge of all the things she thought about when she was designing it. A large cupcake was on her head, balloons were tied to her tail, a large bowtie was around her neck, and a large blue tutu was around her body. She looked down at herself and giggled. “I look ridiculous!” she said happily. Smiling, she bounced down the catwalk.

“…I…I don’t understand,” said Lyra as she watched the five walk, “Where are the real dresses?”

“I think those are the real dresses,” whispered Bon Bon.

“…Jesus…” replied Lyra.

The five ponies walked to the end of the runway, which started to spin, letting everyone see their dresses. The crowd started to murmur and mumble in a disgusted fashion.

“Why is everyone lookin’ at us like that?” asked Applejack.

“I don’t know,” replied Twilight. She looked and saw Dizzy Twister vomit into a barf bag. “It’s like they’re looking at a freak show! But there’s nothing wrong with-” Twilight looked down at her dress and then up at the stars in her mane. “…Oh no…”

“Suddenly, I think this armor, while kickass, probably isn’t the best for a Gala,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Well,” said Applejack, “At least Ah look fine.” She looked down at her galoshes and then looked back up. “…Shit.”

“Ok,” said Hoity Toity loudly. “I’ve seen enough. Cut the music.”

Vinyl turned the volume up.

“Cut the music, or I’ll tell everybody what your natural hair color is!” yelled Hoity.

The music cut off suddenly.

“Thank you,” said Hoity. He turned back to the five ponies. “I’ll say this as gentle as I can.” He took a deep breath. “Those dresses are the worst…the absolute worst things I’ve ever seen. I want to tear out my eyeballs and step on them in order to get the image of those dresses out of my head. I want to tear each and every one of those dresses up, bury the pieces in the desert, and then nuke the area where I buried them.”

That was gentle?” asked Spike incredulously.

“Believe me, Spike,” said Hoity Toity. “That is literally the nicest thing I can say about those dresses.” He turned to Applejack. “Aside from the galoshes. That was a stroke of brilliance.” He shook his head. “Who is responsible for these…these trash heaps?”

Rarity quietly walked out onto the catwalk. “I am," she said sadly.

Hoity sighed. “My dear, you are not a designer. You’re not an artist. A true artist doesn’t just throw shit at a wall and hope it sticks. A true artist throws shit at a wall and convinces everyone else that that shit’s gold.” He peered at Rarity from behind his glasses. “This shit isn’t gold. It’s shit.”

“I’m confused,” said Rainbow Dash. “Did she make our dresses out of shit?”

“The point is,” continued Hoity Toity, “You’re obviously not cut out for this business.”

Rarity looked at the ground, tears in her eyes.

Hoity sighed. “I’ve cut you up enough. Go back inside.”

Rarity sniffed and nodded. She turned around and ran back inside the boutique, not saying a word.

“…Seriously,” continued Rainbow Dash, “Are we wearing shit?”

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