New B**** on the Block
The day had been going rather normally for Twilight. She got out of bed at 6 AM, as usual. She kicked Spike out of his basket and listened to him whine about child labor laws, as usual. She ignored Spike’s complaining and forced him to make her breakfast, as usual. After breakfast, she opened her library and waited for somebody to come and check out a book, as usual. Nobody came, as usual.
Until her, that is.
“TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT!” Screamed Pinkie Pie. “SOMEONE’S BEING MEAN TO ME!” She dashed around the room, crying loudly.
“Can I give them a medal?” asked Twilight, her eye twitching as Pinkie knocked over a stack of books.
“No! I need you to beat her up!” cried Pinkie. “She’s mean and grouchy and smelly and she stole my Rainbow Dash from me!”
“…Applejack?” asked Twilight.
“No, her name’s Gilda!” Pinkie grabbed Twilight and threw her at a nearby chair. “Here’s what happened…”
“Would you look at the time?” asked Twilight. She started to rise out of the chair and said, “I’ve got to go organize the words in my dictionary…”
Pinkie pushed Twilight back into the seat and continued. “Here’s what happened…”
Earlier that day:
Pinkie Pie walked down the road and smiled as she took in the beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Berry Punch was stumbling out of a bar and cussing out any children that crossed her path.
Pinkie was excited. She was more excited than a kid on Christmas morning, more excited than a homeless person winning the lottery, and more excited than a widow that had taken out a huge life insurance policy on her husband. Pinkie was going to hang out with Rainbow Dash again today! She had already thought of some pranks they could pull on the unsuspecting populace of Ponyville. She wasn’t sure if some of them were legal (most of them were not), but she was sure everyone would get a good laugh out of it (they would not).
Pinkie looked up in the sky and saw Rainbow Dash’s cloud house. “Rainbow Dash!” yelled Pinkie Pie. “Are you awake?!”
Silence.
“Hmmm…how can I wake Rainbow up?” asked Pinkie to herself. She gasped and said, “I know!” She pulled out a boom box and turned the volume up high.
“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe-”
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN THAT SHIT OFF!” screamed a voice that definitely was not Rainbow Dash.
“Who was that?” asked Pinkie. She gasped. “Maybe it’s a burglar! No, maybe it’s a kidnapper!” Pinkie Pie swooned and said, “Oh the humanity!” She fell to the ground in a dead faint.
“Humanity!” cried a voice. Lyra ran over to Pinkie Pie and said, “Where are the humans?!”
Pinkie cracked open an eye and said, “It’s just a figure of speech Lyra.”
Lyra hung her head and walked away sadly. “It’s always a figure of speech…”
Pinkie closed her eye and muttered, “Crazy bitch…”
“Hey!” yelled the Not-Rainbow Dash voice. “Who’s down there?” A feathered head looked over the side of the cloud.
Pinkie and the eagle-headed stranger looked at each other for a moment before saying in unison, “Who the fuck are you?”
“What’s with all the noise?!” yelled another, more familiar voice. Rainbow Dash walked out of her cloud house with a sour expression on her face. “Can’t a girl pee in peace anymore?”
“Sorry Dash,” said the bird-like stranger, “Some pink bitch is down there.”
Rainbow looked over the side and said, “Don’t worry. I know that pink bitch.” She flew down from the cloud and landed in front of Pinkie. “How’s your hammer hangin’?” greeted Rainbow Dash.
“It’s hangin’.” said Pinkie. “Who’s that?” she pointed at the half-eagle half-lion stranger as she landed by the two ponies.
“Oh, that’s Gilda. She’s a griffon. You know, half-eagle half-lion?”
“I know what a griffon is, Dashie.” said Pinkie Pie as she rolled her eyes. “The narration already explained it.”
“…Right…” said Rainbow Dash. “Anyway…Gilda’s my best friend from Flight Camp. We even ended up going to the same high school.” She turned to the griffon and smiled. “Do you remember those days, Gilda?”
Gilda shuddered and said, “Unfortunately. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Remember the Flight Camp chant?”
“Fuck no.” said Gilda.
“Me neither.” said Rainbow Dash.
“Sooooo…” began Pinkie Pie, “Do you two want to prank some ponies with me? I’ve got this idea where we glue a beehive to…”
“Fuck all that noise.” said Gilda. “Come on, Dash. You said we could go flying today.”
“I did?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Sure, why not?” Gilda flew into the air. “See ya later, Stink Eye.”
“Um…it’s Pinkie Pie.” corrected Pinkie.
“Whatever you say.” Gilda flew away with Rainbow Dash flying after her.
Now:
“So she didn’t want to hang out with you?” asked Twilight. “So what? I don’t want to hang out with you usually.”
“Yeah,” agreed Pinkie, “But you’re an introverted nerd who would rather talk to books than people and the little social interaction you actually get is only because we force you to hang out with us.”
“…Good point.” conceded Twilight. “Continue.”
Earlier, but not as earlier as the last time:
Rainbow Dash and Gilda panted as they landed on a cloud. “I…totally…beat you…” panted Gilda.
“Please…I just let you win so you wouldn’t feel bad…” denied Rainbow Dash.
“Bullshit…” muttered Gilda.
“Guys!” said a voice.
“…Did you hear something?” asked Gilda.
“Guys, it’s me!” said the voice.
“Oh god…the voices are back!” screamed Rainbow Dash as she got into the fetal position.
“Down here!” yelled the voice.
Rainbow Dash and Gilda looked down at the cloud…which now had Pinkie Pie’s head sticking out of it.
“Hiiiiiiiii…” said Pinkie.
“Pinkie, how are you doing that?” asked Rainbow Dash, poking Pinkie in the face.
“Ok, ow.” said Pinkie Pie, wincing as Rainbow Dash poked her hard in the nose. “I used a trampoline to get up here, but I guess clouds are more solid than I thought because now I’m stuck.”
Gilda glared at Pinkie and said, “Let me help you.” Making a fist, she slammed it down on Pinkie Pie’s head, sending her crashing down to the ground.
“Thanks Gilda…” she groaned.
Gilda huffed and said venomously, “Trampolines are stupid.”
Back to the present:
“I see…” said Twilight nodding. “You’re mad at Gilda because she hit you in the head and made you fall.”
Pinkie looked at Twilight in confusion. “What are you talking about? I’m mad because she said trampolines were stupid.”
Twilight closed her eyes, trying to will away the headache that was pounding in her skull. “Of course you are…”
Earlier, but not as early…but later than…than…I’m confused:
“You okay, Pinkie?” asked Rainbow Dash as she looked at the ground.
Pinkie peeled her face off the dirt and said, “Never better!”
Gilda growled and looked at Rainbow Dash. “Hey Dash,” she said, feigning happiness, “Why don’t you show me some of your new moves?”
“Awesome!” said Rainbow, flying into the air. “I’ve got this one that people around here call ‘Holy Shit This Cray-Cray Bitch Is Gonna Kill Us All’! It involves…”
As Dash rambled on about her new trick, Gilda flew down to where Pinkie was. “Hey, Pinkie?” she asked. “Can I talk to you?”
“Sure!” said Pinkie, trotting over to Gilda. “What do you want to talk abo-URK!” Pinkie gasped as Gilda squeezed her throat.
“Now listen up.” growled Gilda. “I want to spend time with Rainbow Dash alone. I’m her oldest friend, her pal, her hetero-life partner, her slightly homo-life partner! I don’t need some pink pinheaded pony mucking up my time with her. So here’s some advice: Stay away from her or else.” Gilda’s grip tightened on Pinkie’s throat. “Got it?”
“ACK!” said Pinkie, unable to say much else with Gilda strangling her.
“…I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’.” said Gilda. She let Pinkie go and flew back up to the cloud.
No more transitions. Please? I’ll pay you in backrubs:
“Pinkie,” began Twilight, “It sounds like she’s jealous of you.”
“So that gives her the right to bogart Rainbow Dash?” asked Pinkie incredulously. “I need my Dashie time too.”
“I’m not saying it gives her the right.” denied Twilight. “I’m just explaining her reasons. You think she’s jealous, right Spike?”
Spike nodded and said, “Aw yeah. Bitch be jelly.”
“…Have you been listening to rap again?” asked Twilight.
“Well, great.” said Pinkie Pie. “Gilda’s jealous so she gets Rainbow Dash all to herself. What do I get?”
“Well…” began Twilight. “You could stay here and check out a book.”
Pinkie started laughing. Hard. “Silly Twilight,” she said between giggles. “Books are for people without friends.” Still chortling, Pinkie Pie left the library.
“…I know…” muttered Twilight sadly.
Pinkie, once she was away from the library, stopped laughing and turned serious. “How am I supposed to spend time with my friend if her friend will disembowel me if I try?”
As Pinkie was lost in her pity party, she unknowingly wandered into the Ponyville marketplace. She heard laughter up above her and saw Rainbow Dash and Gilda flying by.
“I’ve gotta go do some weather stuff,” said Rainbow, “I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”
Gilda landed and watched Rainbow Dash fly off. Then she turned to the marketplace with an evil grin and-
“WHICH ONE OF YOU FOTHERMUCKERS DID THIS?!” screamed a voice.
All heads turned to see a very angry Fluttershy storm into the marketplace holding the fake turtle that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash made. She glared ferociously at everyone and started going up to random ponies.
“Did you do this, Bon Bon?” asked Fluttershy to the terrified Earth pony. “Cause if you did, I’ll slit your throat. How about you Shoeshine?” She turned and glared at the mare. “Did you do this, you freaking slut? And how about you-” She turned and found herself face-to-face with Gilda.
Pinkie was about to go over to the two in order to defend Fluttershy, when something very strange happened.
Gilda looked at Fluttershy and her eyes went wide. “Y-you?” she whispered.
Fluttershy’s rage left her as she looked at the griffon. “Gilda?” she asked.
“N-no, no!” screamed Gilda as she backed away. “Y-you can’t be here!”
“Gilda, please calm down.” said a concerned Fluttershy.
“Stay away from me!” yelled Gilda as she took off and flew away. Pinkie Pie watched the griffon disappear before walking over to Fluttershy.
“What was all that about?” she asked. “Why’s Gilda so scared of you?”
Fluttershy hung her head, saddened. “It’s a long story…”
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Ohhh, things are getting interesting.
Well damn, a new chapter only took like six months.
2572905 I blame society.
Weeee, it's back! And with a twist, apparently. Man, what did Fluttershy do to Gilda? Beat her up? Steal her pet guinea pig? Take the last chip? I need to go to bed already before these get weird...
2573031 You lie it was really the goverment
Great to see this story back! And man, Angry Fluttershy be scary. I look forward to the next chapter!
Every.Episode.Please!
MOAR.
Ok, ok, no more transitions...
Where's my backrub?
4231607 It's in the mail.
Oh, if she did that under my house, it would be raining Molotov Cocktails...
THANK YOU Gilda!
First Pinkie's the Pyro, now she's Mr Popo. Great. Just great.
THIS should be good.
Hey dash, the voices want to make you whole.
5663847 That moment when Isaac Clarke pulls his dick out the pile of bitches to say, "Go fuck yourself! I ain't dealing with no more damn Necromorphs! ...Unless they take my bitches. THEN I will fuck them up."
5635746 derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/27/165150/thumb.png
So... Pinkie wants to find away to spend more time with Dashie?
I heard about this secret recipe that makes cupcakes taste so much better....
Also I'm blaming you for any physical damage done to my body in my seizure like state of laughter.
https://youtu.be/yzUn4eCG3Xk?t=68
Miss Fluttershy! I've just received word that we have a new b**** on the block! Make sure you take good care of her!