• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Things Are Getting A Little Racey, Aren't They?

The beautiful autumn leaves fell off the trees as the racing ponies thundered past. Several were going all out in their attempt to win the race.

“Hello everyone!” said Pinkie from up in her hot air balloon. She spoke into a megaphone that was attached to the balloon’s basket. “Welcome to the official coverage of this year’s Running of the Leaves!”

“That’s right, Pinkie!” said Spike, standing by Pinkie with a microphone in his hands. “You know, despite the name, the leaves don’t do any of the running.”

Pinkie glared at Spike. “Don’t steal my material, kid,” she growled.

“Oh…sorry?” said Spike. “Anyway, it’s the running of the ponies that causes the autumn leaves to fall.”

“It’s true!” said Pinkie. “But this year, the Run is about more than the weather. It’s about the rivalry between Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”

“I know!” agreed Spike. “Those two have been at each other’s throats for a long time. Like…since yesterday!”

Pinkie squinted down at the racers. “I see Applejack in front of everyone, but where is…”

“OK, I’M RUNNING!” yelled a voice. Pinkie and Spike looked down to see a rainbow-colored blur blaze past everyone.

Applejack looked to her side to see Rainbow Dash running alongside her with a panicked look on her face. “Um…you ok there, Sugarcube?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine!” said Rainbow Dash. She whispered, “How do I stop running?”

Applejack smiled and put on a burst of speed. “Ah’ll tell ya when ya reach the finish line!”

“No! Tell me now!” yelled Rainbow Dash, running after her. “I just barely figured out how to use these things!”

From up in the balloon, Spike spoke into the microphone, “They’re neck-and-neck, but the rest of the racers aren’t far behind! Clearly, this is anyone’s race!”

“Isn’t Twilight racing too?” asked Pinkie. “She could win!”

Spike burst out laughing. “Come on,” he said, trying to get his breath back, “Let’s be a little serious here.”

Back on the ground, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were fighting for first place. Every time one of them got ahead of the other, the other would catch up to them.

“You alright there, Rainbow?” asked Applejack. “You’re looking a little blue in the face.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Dash as she tried to get ahead. “Well…you…you look a little orange in the face!” She paused. “That doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t…Goddammit…” She looked around. “Ok…time to fight a little dirty.” She stuck her hoof out.

Applejack tripped over Rainbow’s hoof and crashed into the ground. She groaned as she picked herself up, watching every other race run by her.

“Hey,” said Daisy, “I think Applejack’s hurt! Should we stop?”

“Fuck that bitch!” yelled Berry Punch, taking a sip from a bottle of beer.

“I don’t-” began Applejack.

A blonde young man with an orange jumpsuit appeared out of nowhere and yelled, “BELIEVE IT!” Noticing Applejack stare at him, he gave her a thumbs up and said, “Read Naru-”

A bolt of purple magic hit the loudmouth ninja, making him disappear.

“Nobody reads Naruto,” said Twilight as she walked up to Applejack. “Not even Naruto.”

“Forget the cameos and references, Twilight!” said Applejack. “Rainbow Dash just tripped me!”

“…Are you sure you didn’t just trip over a rock?” asked Twilight.

“Only if that rock was shaped like Rainbow’s leg!” said Applejack, running off.

“You should go slower!” yelled Twilight. “Like me!” She looked around, seeing nobody around her. “Yep. Last place. Just me…” She frowned. “Fuck, I’m not gonna win.”

Back at the front of the race, Rainbow Dash was panting as she sprinted down the track. “So…tired…gonna…hurl…” she moaned. She looked behind her, but saw no one. She looked down at her legs. “Ok…I’m going to try to slow down…” She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. She slowed from a full-on sprint to a dead stop. She opened her eyes and smiled. “Ha!” She lifted one of her legs and looked at it. “These things are great! Why did I never notice them before?”

“Because you use your wings for everything!” yelled Applejack as she ran by.

“Oh shit!” said Rainbow Dash, watching Applejack run by.

“I don’t believe it!” said Spike from the balloon. “After being tripped up by Rainbow Dash, Applejack is back in first place! Isn’t this exciting, Pinkie?”

Pinkie looked up from her handheld video game and said, “Oh yeah, super exciting.” She looked back down at her game. “So there’s like…13 Xehanorts running around? I don’t understand what’s happening…”

“It looks like Rainbow Dash is having a hard time starting again!” said Spike.

Back on the ground, Rainbow Dash was busy cautiously putting on hoof forward. “Ok…it’s just like last time, Dash. Just one hoof in front of the other…” She lightly pressed her hoof into the ground.

Rainbow took off like a shot, screaming all the way.

Rainbow Dash easily caught back up with Applejack. “Is this thing over yet?!” sobbed Dash. “I don’t like running!”

“Ah can help ya with that!” said Applejack, an evil grin on her face. She stuck her hoof out. “One cheatin’ turn deserves another!”

Rainbow tripped over Applejack’s hoof and fell to the ground hard. The other racers thundered past Dash as she was on the ground.

“I think Rainbow Dash is hurt!” said Bon Bon. “Should we stop?”

“OvER YouR dEAD BOdy!” yelled Caramel.

The racers ran past, leaving Dash all alone. She got up and said, “Fuck! I can’t believe Applejack tripped me! I mean, I know I did it to her…but it’s still rude!”

Rainbow Dash heard loud panting and turned around. Twilight was slowly walking towards her, clutching her chest.

“Um…are you okay?” asked Rainbow Dash, concerned.

Twilight shook her head, still panting heavily. “I…think…I’m…having a….heart attack…” She hobbled past Dash.

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Anyway…Applejack thinks she can cheat? Just because I cheated? Well, two can play at that game!” She began to laugh evilly.

“Um…Rainbow?” said Spike from up in the balloon. “Shouldn’t you catch up to Applejack?”

“I Mayo may not,” said Rainbow, running off.

Pinkie Pie paused her game and looked up at the sky. “Did you just make a pun about condiments? Really?”

You know you relish it.

Pinkie Pie just stared at the sky with a frown on her face.

SHUT UP, I AM EXTREMELY FUNNY!

Pinkie sighed and said, “Let’s just get back to the race.”

“It looks like Rainbow’s trying to ketchup to the leaders!” said Spike.

Pinkie frowned at the sky.

“It looks like Rainbow Dash is overtaking Applejack!” said Spike excitedly.

Sure enough, the blue Pegasus had caught up to the Earth pony, and was making her way forward. As they kept running, they entered a large forest.

“It looks like the racers are entering the Whitetail Wood!” said Spike. “And it looks like Rainbow is back in the lead.”

Rainbow looked behind her at Applejack. She smirked and looked forward, seeing a low hanging branch. “Perfect!” she said. She grabbed the branch as she ran past, pulling it back. She let go and it shot back to its original position.

Applejack suddenly found herself on the ground, a stinging pain in her face. She quickly got back up and glared at Rainbow Dash. “So that’s how she wants this race to go, huh?” she growled. She pulled the branch back and sat on it. It sprang back, launching Applejack forward.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was laughing to herself. “That slowpoke will never-” She was cut off as Applejack soared by her. “Hey!” yelled Rainbow. “I thought we said no flying!”

Applejack looked back as she sailed through the air. “Ah never said no flying. Ah said no wings!” She hit the ground at a run and kept going. She smirked as she saw a beehive in a fast-approaching tree. She kicked the tree, sending the beehive falling towards Rainbow Dash.

“NO!” yelled Rainbow. “NOT THE BEES!” She dodged the beehive, which hit the ground. A swarm of angry bees came out of the hive and chased after Rainbow.

Applejack heard horrible screaming as Rainbow Dash ran past her, with the bees hot on her trail. “THEY’RE IN MY EYES! NO!!!” screamed Rainbow.

Rainbow looked around desperately. She saw a nearby bush and jumped in. The bees paused in front of the bush.

“Oi,” said one, “Where’d that slag run off to?”

“Fuck if I know,” said another bee.

“Bugger this!” said another. “Let’s just hit the pub.”

“You always want to hit the pub!” said another.

“So you don’t want to go?”

“I never said that,” said the bee. The swarm flew off, leaving Rainbow alone.

Rainbow Dash sighed as she walked out of the bush. “Trapped in a bush,” she began, “Just another Friday for Rainbow…hey…” she looked at a nearby sign that had been set up for the racers. It pointed to the path on the right. Rainbow flipped the sign so it pointed to the path on the left, which led into the mountains. She then hid back in the bushes.

Applejack ran by, looked at the sign, and paused. “Damn,” she said, “Ah wish Ah could read.” She ran down the path on the right.

“What?!” said Rainbow, getting out of the bushes. “No!” she ran after Applejack.

“I’ve gotta say Spike,” said Pinkie from her balloon. “This has been the most interesting Running of the Leaves yet!”

“Because of all the cheating?” asked Spike.

“Because I beat the last Kingdom Hearts game!” said Pinkie happily. “But, yeah, I guess the cheating is fun too. I mean, look! Applejack and Rainbow are stuck in tree sap!”

Pinkie was right.

“Duh!” said Pinkie.

Applejack had knocked over a bucket of tree sap, hoping to get Rainbow stuck. Unfortunately, the sap hit her as well, resulting in the two ponies getting stuck.

“Damn it, Applejack!” yelled Rainbow Dash as she attempted to get free. “Look where your cheating got us!”

Mah cheating?!” said Applejack. She gave Rainbow a shove. “Ah only cheated because you stared to cheat!”

“Oh yeah?!” said Rainbow. “Well, I only cheated because…because…” She thought about it for a moment. “It’s fun?”

Applejack sighed and tore herself free of the sap. She ran off, leaving Rainbow alone.

Rainbow Dash growled and pressed forward. She finally got free of the sap and ran after Applejack. It wasn’t long before the two of them were neck-and-neck.

After a few minutes of running, the two ponies spotted the finish line in the distance. Rainbow Dash and Applejack started shoving each other as they ran towards their goal.

“You know what?” growled Rainbow Dash after a fierce shove by Applejack. “Fuck it!” She spread her wings, snapping the ropes that held them down. She took off, flying towards the finish line.

“FUCK THAT!” yelled Applejack. She dove at Rainbow Dash, sending both ponies to the ground.

“Oh God!” yelled Spike in horror.

“It looks like Applejack and Rainbow’s rivalry has devolved into a brawl!” said Pinkie.

The two ponies on the ground just started to fight each other. Applejack punched Rainbow in the throat, while Rainbow managed to bite Applejack’s ear.

“Oh, I haven’t seen that move since the Bite of ’87!” said Pinkie.

“Applejack’s going for the chair!” said Spike.

Applejack had grabbed a folding chair and was beating Rainbow Dash with it. Reeling, Rainbow Dash grabbed the chair and slammed it into Applejack’s face.

“How long do you think these two are going to keep fighting?!” asked Spike.

“Probably until they realize they both lost the race,” said Pinkie.

The two fighting ponies froze. “WHAT?!” they yelled, looking up at the balloon.

“Yeah,” said Spike, “While you two were having your little fight, the others crossed the finish line.”

“But…but who won?” asked Rainbow.

“Hi girls!” said Twilight. She walked up to them holding a massive trophy. “Guess who won!”

“YOU?!” said Applejack. “But…”

“How?!” yelled Rainbow.

“Oh, it was nothing,” said Twilight. “Just pacing myself, dedication, and some discreet freezing spells.”

“Freezin’ spells?” asked Applejack, turning to look.

Three racers were stuck on the track, ice covering their bodies.

“Lyra!” cried Bon Bon, frozen in ice. “Help me out of this!”

“Don’t worry!” said Lyra. “I’ll just lick the ice. It’ll be like a Bon Bon flavored Popsicle!” She smirked. “And I know just where to start.” She moved behind Bon Bon.

Bon Bon blushed. “Lyra! We’re in public!”

Caramel, who was starting to thaw a little, looked over to Applejack and yelled, “I Was FROZen ToDAY!”

Meanwhile, Ruby Pinch had walked over to her frozen mother. “Are you alright, Mom? I’ll go get a chisel to get you out.”

“A chisel?” asked Berry Punch. She nodded to her hoof, which was surprisingly unfrozen and unsurprisingly had a bottle of beer in it. “Twilight chilled my drink for me! Go get Mommy a bendy straw!”

“You two were so busy with your brawl and cartoon shenanigans to notice the race running right past you,” said Twilight.

“B-but…you cheated too!” yelled Rainbow.

“Of course she did,” said a new voice.

The three ponies turned to look at who had spoken. “Princess Celestia?” asked Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

Celestia smiled at Twilight. “Good work, my faithful student! I see you’ve taken my lessons about competitions to heart!”

“Lessons?” asked Applejack.

“Yeah,” said Celestia. “If you’re going to cheat…

“Make sure you don’t get caught!” finished Twilight happily.

“…It seems...a little unethical…” said Rainbow Dash.

“You know who has ethics?” asked Celestia. “Losers. Losers and people who don’t want to win. Since you two don’t seem to understand, I invite you to play a board game with me and Twilight. We’ll show you.”

Hours Later:

“Princess?” asked Nurse Redheart, looking at the X-rays. “How did you get a Monopoly hotel up your nose?”

Princess Celestia, her leg in a cast and squinting out of a black eye, smiled. “They learned their lesson.”

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