• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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An Unexpected Problem

It had been some time since the whole “Trixie” incident. In the several months of unproductiveness from certain authors, Ponyville had been repaired of all Ursa-related damages and normalcy had returned to everyday life.

“WILL YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS PLEASE SHARE YOUR FOOD WITH EACH OTHER?!”

…More or less.

In a cottage by the woods lived a Pegasus. It was not a dirty, messy cottage. It was not a dry, barren cottage. It was a Pegasus cottage and that meant…something or other.

This particular cottage was owned by a Pegasus named Fluttershy. She was a quiet sort (unless you got her angry, which happened often) who would rather stay home and take care of her animals than go on an adventure.

Unfortunately for Fluttershy, she would soon find herself on a terrifying adventure, fraught with dangers, horrors, and death.

But, for the moment, she was simply taking care of her animals with her…unique techniques.

“You see these fish?” growled Fluttershy. She pointed at a pile of dead fish that she had placed in front of a terrified family of ferrets. “They disrespected me. And I,” she glared at the furry creatures, “Do not like to be disrespected. Got it?”

The ferrets nodded in fear.

“Good.” said Fluttershy. She grabbed some worms and flew up to a nest of birds. “Do you want these worms?” she asked.

The birds nodded.

In response, Fluttershy smacked one of them with a worm. “Well, he asked for it, now didn't he?" she said in response to the other birds' shocked expressions. "Now stop singing off-key, ok? It’s really wrecking my morning.” She smiled as the birds immediately started singing perfectly. “Good. Now-”

She heard a loud thumping noise coming from below. Fluttershy’s eyes widened as she dashed to the ground. “I-I’m so sorry Angel!” she cried. “I got held up by the birds! I had to-”

The glare she received from the bunny was surprisingly threatening.

Fluttershy held up a carrot with shaky hooves. “H-here’s your dinner…” she squeaked. Angel hopped over and forcefully snatched the carrot out of her hooves. Once he had taken a few bites, Fluttershy nervously asked, “Is it okay?”

Angel paused his eating and looked at the carrot. After a few moments he shrugged and shook his paw as if to say “It’s so-so”.

Fluttershy smiled. “I’m so glad that-”

With an evil smirk, Angel picked up the carrot and threw at the Pegasus. It bounced off of Fluttershy’s forehead and she curled up in fear, covering her face with her hooves.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she wailed. “I’ll do better next time! I swear!”

Angel picked up the remains of the carrot and prepared to toss it with more force. Before he could, a cloud of black smoke drifted in front of his face. The bunny dropped the carrot and clutched his throat, coughing harshly.

“Angel?” asked Fluttershy as she uncovered her face. She got back up and hurried to the rabbit’s side. “What’s wrong?”

Angel, still coughing, waved her off. He pulled a cigarette out from behind him and lit it. Taking a deep drag of it, he blew out a ring of smoke and sighed.

“What happened Angel?” asked Fluttershy. “Why did you start coughing?” She watched as Angel looked and pointed upwards. Following his lead, Fluttershy looked up and saw clouds of black smoke.

“Oh no!” said Fluttershy. “I better tell everyone!” She dashed off…only to return a few seconds later. “Is that okay with you, Angel?” she asked timidly.

Angel puffed on his cigarette and made a shooing motion with his paw.

“Thank you!” said Fluttershy, picking the rabbit up and hugging him. “You’re always so nice to me!” She barely flinched as the bunny pressed the lit end of the cigarette against her arm.

A few minutes later, Fluttershy arrived in one of Ponyville’s parks. There were plenty of ponies there, all blissfully unaware the smoke in the sky.

“Help!” said Fluttershy. She ran from pony to pony and said, “There’s a lot of smoke in the sky! Someone should do something.”

“I tot’lly agree witsh yoo.” slurred Berry Punch, stumbling over. “We shood doo sumthin’!”

“Oh thank you!” said Fluttershy. “So what should we do?”

“Fuck if I know.” said Berry Punch as she pulled out a bottle and drank from it.

“But-” began-

“Fluttershy!” called out Rainbow Dash, interrupting an amazing narration. The blue Pegasus was bouncing a ball on her head. “Look how good I am at this! I should charge money just to let people watch me!”

“T-that’s very nice Rainbow, but-” began Fluttershy.

“Aw yeah!” interrupted Rainbow Dash again. “I am the best at handling balls!” She smirked at a stunned group of stallions. “Wanna find out, boys?”

“Silly Dashie!” said Pinkie Pie, appearing out of nowhere. “This story’s rated Teen for…” She pulled out a note card and read it out loud, “‘Strong language, cartoonish violence, immature humor, and god-awful jokes’! We can’t show clop!”

“Once again Pinkie, nothing you say makes any sense.” said Rainbow Dash with disdain. “Now excuse me while I try to seduce people by bouncing a rubber ball on my head.”

Fluttershy walked over to Pinkie and said, “Pinkie, for fuck’s sake, we have to do something! Where there’s smoke there’s fire!”

Pinkie laughed and patted Fluttershy’s head. “Silly Fluttershy! Where there’s Smoke, there’s Mortal Kombat!”

“What?” asked a confused Fluttershy.

“Everyone! Can I have your attention, please!” came a voice.

“That sounds like Twilight!” said Fluttershy. She raced off to where the other ponies were gathering, leaving Pinkie alone.

“Oh well.” said Pinkie. She turned around and addressed the figure behind her. “Sorry Smoke. She didn’t get the reference.”

A ninja with flowing gray hair stepped out of the shadow of a nearby tree and said, “That’s okay Pinkie. I should really be looking for Sub-Zero anyway. Last time I left him alone, he got turned into a cyborg.”

“Okay!” said Pinkie. “Tell him I said hi!” She started to walk away, but stopped. “Oh, I almost forgot!” She turned and waved to someone behind Smoke. “Bye Sindel!”

“What?” said Smoke as he turned around.

CRACK

Meanwhile, the rest of the ponies gathered around Twilight and Spike as they stood on a bridge. Twilight cleared her throat and said, “Smoke is starting to cover Equestria. If it keeps up, we’ll all be in trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” asked Bon Bon.

“The ‘We Won’t Be Able to Breathe’ kind of trouble.” explained Twilight.

“Jesus!” said Rainbow Dash, still bouncing the ball on her head. “Why didn’t anyone notice the smoke before!”

“That-I-You-” spluttered Fluttershy in indignation. “I tried to tell you dumbasses, but you kept ignoring me!”

“I’m sorry, what was that Fluttershy? I wasn’t listening.” said Rainbow as she looked towards her friend.

“Never mind.” said a defeated Fluttershy.

“So…” continued Twilight slowly. “I have good news from Princess Celestia…”

“Hooray!” cheered the ponies.

“Aaaaaaand some bad news from the same Princess.” finished Twilight.

“WE’RE DEAD!” screamed all the ponies.

“CALM DOWN!” yelled Twilight. “I haven’t told you anything yet!” Once the gathered ponies calmed down, she continued, “So good news! This smoke isn’t caused by a fire!”

“Hooray!” cheered the ponies.

“Yeah! No fire!” cheered Colgate. Then she paused for a few moments while everyone else kept cheering. “Wait, wait.” she said, and everyone stopped cheering to listen to her. “Then what is causing all this smoke?”

“W-well…” began Twilight nervously. “That’s sort of the bad news. You see…the thing that’s causing this smoke…it might be a…teeny…tiny…little…insignificant…

“It’s a dragon.” said Spike.

“Spike!” scolded Twilight as the ponies began to panic.

“What?” asked Spike. “It’s like removing a band-aid! Just rip it off and hope for the best.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Don’t worry everyone! Princess Celestia has entrusted several ponies with the task of stopping the dragon. Those ponies are me, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” said Noteworthy. “We’re supposed to relax because a librarian, a weather pony, a party planner, a farmer, and a dress maker are going to stop a bloodthirsty dragon?”

“Relax.” said Twilight. “The five of us are going to make sure that the sixth pony gets to the dragon safely. Once there, that pony will talk to the dragon and calm it down.”

Fluttershy sighed and said to herself, “I’d hate to be that pony. I pity the poor sap who has to calm down a full-grown dragon.”

“And that pony,” continued Twilight, “is Fluttershy.”

The crowd of ponies was silent. They all turned simultaneously and stared at Fluttershy, who started to hyperventilate.

Rainbow Dash, still bouncing the ball, blinked and looked around at all the ponies staring where she and Fluttershy were standing. “Wait, what’s going on? I wasn’t paying attention.”

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