• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Strange Stripes

The sun shone brightly as Twilight and Spike walked down the path to Ponyville. The storm of the week before was a thing of the past, as the sky was clear and the breeze was warm.

“I don’t like this.” said Twilight, frowning.

“Don’t like what?” asked Spike as he picked his teeth.

“This!” Twilight waved a hoof at the sky. “It’s nice out here!”

“And…that’s a bad thing?” asked Spike.

“Not in itself, no.” answered Twilight. “But it means that everyone will be outside today!”

“…And?” asked Spike, confused.

And that means that it’s only a matter of time before someone has a problem or something happens that they’ll want me to fix!” exclaimed Twilight. “I mean, just look at our track record. First, we have to stop a fallen princess from causing eternal night. Second, Applejack goes crazy during her Applefucking season-”

“I think that’s Applebucking.” interrupted Spike.

“THIRD,” yelled Twilight, ignoring Spike, “Rainbow Dash’s friend comes into town and acts like a jerk to Pinkie Pie and then gets really scared of Fluttershy. Fourth, Trixie came into town and the Snaps and Trails-”

“Snips and Snails.” corrected Spike.

“Bring a giant bear into town for her to fight!” continued Twilight.

“Have you noticed something weird about Snails?” asked Spike suddenly. “I know you say that he just doesn’t have good control of his magic, but he’s started five fires in the last month.”

“Those were just accidents, Spike.” said Twilight. “Why, when I was little, I turned Mom and Dad into plants and hatched you.”

“…Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?” asked Spike.

“Anyway,” continued Twilight, “Fifth, a dragon appears and nearly covers Equestria in smoke. And finally, a massive storm hits and I spend a whole evening trying to get Applejack and Rarity to fuck each other.”

“Say what now?” asked Spike, his interest piqued.

“So, I’m expecting that, once we get to town, we’re going to be besieged by whiny ponies who want us-”

“Us?” asked Spike.

“Mainly me, to fix their problems.” finished Twilight. She and Spike walked into town and started passing a few shops.

“I think you’re overreacting.” said Spike as they headed into the town square. “I bet nothing’s gonna happen. Hell, for all we know, Ponyville could be completely-” He walked into Twilight, who had stopped and was staring wide-eyed at the town square.

“Deserted.” she said as she looked around. There was no one around and the town was silent. “Where is everyone?” asked Twilight as a lone tumbleweed blew past.

“There’s someone!” said Spike, pointing.

Twilight looked and saw a pink filly standing on her doorstep.

“Ruby!” came a voice. Berry Punch opened the front door and said, “What are you doing outside?”

“Mom,” said Ruby, “Twilight Sparkle and Spike are still outside! Should we invite them in?”

“Do they have booze?” asked Berry.

“I don’t think so.” answered Ruby.

“Then fuck all that Bolshevik.”

“Don’t you mean ‘bullshit’”?”

“Watch your language little missy!” said Berry. She grabbed her daughter. “I’m gonna have to wash your mouth out with Jack Daniels again.” She went back inside with Ruby, slamming the door as she did.

“Why don’t you ever let me wash my mouth out with Jack Daniels?” asked Spike.

“Because bleach works better.” answered Twilight. She looked around. “This is weird.”

“Is it some sort of holiday? Like Christmas? Or Opposite Day?” asked Spike as he got on Twilight’s back.

Twilight started walking. “Spike, Opposite Day isn’t a holiday.”

“But if it was Opposite Day, then that would mean that it is a holiday.” pointed out Spike.

“It’s not Opposite Day and it’s not another holiday.” said Twilight.

“But if it was Opposite Day-”

“Spike!” growled Twilight.

“Sorry.” said Spike timidly. “Please don’t bleach me.” Spike was silent for a moment before gasping. “What if it’s zombies?!”

Twilight stopped walking. “…The undead kind or the voodoo kind?”

“Either!”

“Then it’s a good thing we have a zombie apocalypse survival plan.” replied Twilight. “Remember, we shoot anyone on sight, don’t investigate strange noises, and, if supplies get low, you let me eat you.”

“Psst!” hissed a voice. “Twilight! Spike!”

The two turned their heads towards Sugarcube Corner, which was dark and empty.

“Let’s investigate!” said Twilight, running towards the building.

“But Twilight!” said Spike. “What about our plan? Don’t investigate strange noises?”

Twilight stopped. “You’re right Spike.” She said, smiling at the dragon. “I almost lost my head for a minute. I shouldn’t investigate strange noises.”

“Good.” said Spike as he smiled. “I would hate for you-”

“That’s why you are going to investigate for me!” said Twilight. She used her magic and threw Spike inside the bakery. Twilight waited for a few moments, but heard nothing. “Oh well,” she said, turning around, “Time to hire a new assistant, I guess.”

A blue glow surrounded Twilight and she was lifted into Sugarcube Corner, the door slamming shut behind her. Twilight strained her eyes, but could see nothing. Two scaly arms wrapped around her neck and something landed on her back.

“I’m sorry Zombie Spike!” said Twilight. “You can still be my assistant!”

A light shone in Twilight’s face. She rubbed her eyes and saw Pinkie Pie holding a flashlight.

“Pinkie!” said Twilight. “You’re not a zombie?”

“No, silly!” giggled Pinkie. “How could I be a zombie? I don’t even watch TV.”

Twilight turned her head and looked at her back, where Spike hanging on to her neck, his eyes shut tight. “Spike! You’re alive!”

“I am?” asked Spike. He looked down. “I am!” He sighed in relief. “I guess there aren’t any zombies after all!”

A long tongue shot out of the darkness and wrapped around Spike’s neck. It dragged him off of Twilight and across the room. Spike looked up to see a zombie with tumors all over its body staring down at him.

Pinkie grabbed a broom and whacked the zombie with it. “No! Bad Mr. Smoker!” She kept hitting the zombie. “Get back in your own universe!”

The zombie mumbled a garbled apology and let Spike go. He turned around and left out the back door.

“Are you ok, Spike?” asked Pinkie, looking down at the dragon.

Spike rubbed his throat and made his way back to Twilight. “I liked Dead Rising better.”

“Pinkie,” said Twilight, “What are you doing here, alone in the dark? And why did you drag me in here with magic?” She paused. “Wait, you don’t have magic…”

“No, but I do!” boasted a voice. Twilight turned around to see Rarity. She looked around and saw that Applejack, Apple Bloom, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash were standing behind her.

“Why are all of you in here?” asked Twilight. She sniffed the air. “And why is their an overpowering aroma of urine?”

“It’s because of her!” said Applejack, pointing towards the window. She drew back the curtain and beckoned Twilight to come closer.

Twilight looked outside and saw a lone figure in a brown cloak standing in the middle of the square. The figure was pawing at the ground. Suddenly, the figure’s head turned and looked right at Twilight, causing the other ponies to gasp and cower.

“That urine smell just got stronger.” observed Twilight as she kept watching. “Who is that?”

“Her name’s Zecora!” said Apple Bloom.

The ponies, except Twilight, gasped in fear.

“Didn’t Ah tell ya not to say that name?!” yelled Applejack.

“Who are we talking about again?” asked Pinkie.

“Zecora!” said Apple Bloom.

The ponies, aside from Twilight, gasped in fear.

“Apple Bloom!” yelled Applejack.

“What?!” asked Apple Bloom. “That’s her name!”

“Who’s name?” asked Spike.

“Zecora’s!” answered Apple Bloom.

The ponies, minus Twilight, gasped in fear. Fluttershy fainted.

“Goddamn it.” muttered Applejack.

“Look,” said Twilight, “What is going on? She only looked this way and all of you freaked out.”

“Because she’s evil!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Ah was protectin’ mah sister!” said Applejack, grabbing Apple Bloom and holding her in a headlock. “Family is the most important thing in the world.” Her grip tightened on Apple Bloom’s neck. “Ah would never let nothin’ hurt Apple Bloom!”

“Ah…can’t…breathe…” choked Apple Bloom, her face turning blue.

“As soon as she saw Zecora-”

The ponies, aside from Twilight, gasped in fear.

“-she started shakin’ like a leaf! Ah brought her here as quick as Ah could!”

“Didn’t you come charging in here, shaking like a leaf?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Apple Bloom walked in a few minutes later she looked fine.”

“She was fine because her sister showed her a safe way to go!” shot back Applejack. “And who are you to talk about bein’ scared? You charged in here like Tirek himself was after ya.”

“Did not!” denied Rainbow Dash. “I, uh…I was showing Zecora-”

The ponies, except for Twilight, gasped.

“That there was no way she could keep up with me!”

“And the five minutes you spent curled up in a corner, cryin’?” asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash blushed. “Th-those were my breathing exercises! They only make me sound like I’m crying!”

“I’ll be honest,” said Fluttershy, “Zecora-” She paused and let everyone, aside from Twilight, gasp, “Scares the hell out of me.”

“And me!” said Pinkie. She paused for a moment. “Wait, who are we talking about again.”

“Zecora.” said Twilight. She rolled her eyes as the others gasped. She turned back to the window to watch Zecora. The others crowded behind her to get a glimpse as well.

The figure in the brown cloak reached for its hood. It pulled it down, revealing a mohawk with white and black stripes.

The ponies gasped.

“Can you see why we fear her now, Twilight?” asked Rarity. “Anybody who would willingly ruin their mane with stripes is-”

“She’s a zebra.” said Twilight. “She’s supposed to look like that. She was born with those stripes.”

“She was?!” said Rarity. “That’s disgusting!”

“Born where?” asked Applejack. “There are only good, honest pony folk in these parts. Aside from…her.” She shuddered.

“She probably wasn’t born in Equestria.” explained Twilight. “There were zebra ambassadors that came to Canterlot once. They came from a faraway land.”

“Then…then…maybe she should just go back to that faraway land and leave us ponies alone!” said Fluttershy.

Twilight looked at the others. “What’s wrong with all of you? Why do you care if she’s a zebra or not?”

“There’s always problems when zebras move into the neighborhood!” said Rainbow Dash.

“They spend all their time rapping or taking our jobs!” said Rarity.

Twilight sighed. “None of you knew what a zebra even was before I told you a minute ago. And from the sounds of things, Zecora-” She waited for everyone to gasp, “Is the only zebra you’ve ever seen.”

“We don’t need to see any more zebras!” said Applejack. “We can see how one of them acts and base our opinions on the rest of their kind off of that example.”

“Look,” said Twilight, “Why don’t you just go and talk to her? I’m sure she-”

“Talk?” said Pinkie. “To her? Look Twilight, we don’t need to know anything about her other than that she looks different.”

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Twilight. “Why are you acting so racist?”

Rarity laughed. “Oh, Twilight! We’re not racist. We’re just judging someone that we know nothing about, based on the fact that she looks and acts differently than we do.”

“That’s the definition of racism!” said Twilight.

Pinkie laughed and patted Twilight’s head. “That’s not the definition of racism, Twilight. That’s the definition of prejudice!”

“Same thing!” said Twilight.

“Look, she lives in the Everfree forest, alright?” said Applejack. “We’ve been there. Nothing natural lives in that forest. Aside from the plants. And the animals. But other than that, nothing!”

“And Zecora lives there!” Pinkie said as the other ponies (except for Twilight, of course) gasped. “She’s so evil, I wrote a song about her!” Pinkie cleared her throat and began to sing.

Apple Bloom watched everyone but Twilight cower as Pinkie sang. Sighing, she simply walked outside and slowly walked over to where Zecora was.

So watch out!” finished Pinkie.

“…You done? Or is there a second verse?” asked Twilight.

“No second verse yet.” said Pinkie. “It’s a work in progress.”

“What exactly has Zecora-” Twilight rolled her eyes when everyone gasped, “Done?”

“Once a month, she comes into Ponyville…” began Rainbow Dash.

“Scary.” said Twilight dryly.

“Then, she lurks by the stores!” continued Rarity.

“Jeepers.” said Twilight dismissively.

“And then, she digs at the ground!” finished Fluttershy.

“Well, let’s just get our torches and pitchforks and drive her out.” said Twilight.

“Good idea!” said Pinkie. “I’ve got some in the back!”

“I was kidding!” yelled Twilight. “How is any of this bad? She could come to Ponyville to visit, or buy something from one of the stores.”

“And digging at the ground?” asked Rainbow Dash. “What possible reason could she have for doing that?”

“I don’t know.” admitted Twilight, “But answer me this. What harm could come from digging at the ground? Maybe it’s just a nervous tic, or something. If anyone here had any backbone at all, they could go over and ask her.”

Meanwhile:

Apple Bloom stealthily made her way to Zecora. She hid behind the corner of a store and watched the zebra make her way out of Ponyville. “Ah gotta ask her what she’s doing.” whispered Apple Bloom to herself. “Maybe if Ah find out and tell Applejack, the others wouldn’t be afraid of her.”

Apple Bloom watched Zecora head towards the Everfree Forest. Apple Bloom gazed up at the trees and gulped. “Maybe Ah should’ve told Applejack where Ah was goin’.” She paused and said, “Nah. Ah’m sure she doesn’t even know Ah’m gone.”

Back at Sugarcube Corner:

“WHERE THE FUCK IS APPLE BLOOM?!” hollered Applejack as she frantically searched for her sister.

“The door’s open!” said Fluttershy.

“She must have gone outside…” began Rarity.

“Where Zecora is!” finished Rainbow Dash.

“HANG ON APPLE BLOOM!” Yelled Applejack as she ran out the door. “BIG SIS IS COMIN’!”

The others ran after her, leaving Twilight and Spike alone.

“Spike!” said Twilight. “Get on my back, we’ve got to catch up!”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t I stay here in case Apple Bloom comes back?”

“Spike, when have I ever steered you wrong?” asked Twilight.

“There was that time when-”

“That was rhetorical, Spike.” said Twilight. She bent down to let him climb up onto her back and ran out the door.

Meanwhile:

Apple Bloom followed Zecora down the forest path. She looked to the side of the path to see a field of blue flowers. She turned her head again. She was getting closer and closer to Zec-

“Apple Bloom?!” yelled a voice.

Zecora turned her head and gazed at the little filly. Apple Bloom gulped and looked behind her.

Applejack glared at her little sister as she, the other ponies, and Spike stood in the field of blue flowers. “You get back here right now! You’re in so much trouble!”

“Get away from her, you black and white ruffian!” yelled Rarity.

Zecora threw back her hood and her eyes widened in alarm. “Do not step in the flowers!” she yelled. “You do not know their powers!”

Rarity looked down and sighed. “We’re probably standing in her weed. Zebras love to spend all their time smoking weed.”

“For the last time,” said Twilight, “You had no idea what a zebra even was until I told you!”

Applejack walked forward and put Apple Bloom on her back. “You just stay away from Ponyville, you hear?!” she shouted at Zecora. “We don’t want you there. And stay away from my sister!”

Zecora shook her head. “No harm befell the child this day, because from the path she did not stray.” She turned and walked away, leaving the others alone.

Applejack turned her head to glare at Apple Bloom. “Didn’t Ah tell ya not to go chasin’ after Zecora?”

Everyone, except Twilight and Apple Bloom, gasped.

“No, ya didn’t.” answered Apple Bloom.

“Oh.” said Applejack. She was silent for a few moments before shaking her head. “Ah didn’t think Ah would have to tell you! She could’ve put a curse on you!”

“Applejack, there’s no such thing as curses.” said Twilight.

“Says the unicorn who uses magic for everything.” said Rainbow Dash under her breath.

“And as a unicorn who uses magic for everything,” continued Twilight, shooting a glare at Rainbow, “You can trust me to tell you that curses are made up.”

“That sounds logical.” said Applejack. “But Ah’m going to ignore that and tell ya that zebras are always putting curses on things.”

“For the last time, none of you knew what a zebra was until I told you!” yelled Twilight. She sighed. “Let’s just get back to Ponyville, ok?”

Everyone turned and started heading out of the forest. Spike ran up to Twilight and asked, “There’s no such thing as curses…right?”

“Right.” said Twilight. She let Spike clamber up onto her back. “Just wait, Spike. By tomorrow morning, this whole thing will be forgotten.”

The Next Morning:

Twilight moaned as she opened her eyes. The morning sun poured in from the window. Yawning, Twilight got up out of bed and said, “Wake up, Spike! It’s morning.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m awake.” answered Spike’s voice. Twilight looked and saw that his whole body was hidden by blankets.

Twilight walked over to a mirror and looked at her reflection. Her mane was messy and sticking up all over the place, hiding her horn from view. She grabbed a brush and began to comb her hair.

She straightened her mane and looked at the mirror again. And froze.

“What the fuck?!” she screamed. Her horn was limp, wobbly, and had blue spots all over it.

“Hey, Twilight?” came Spike’s voice. “I feel kind of funny.”

Twilight looked behind her and saw a small purple dog with green ears looking up at her.

“Did you get taller?” asked the dog in Spike’s voice.

Twilight fainted.

Meanwhile:

Deep in the Everfree Forest, a bright light flashed. A stranger appeared in the forest, wearing a dark shirt and glasses.

The human took a look around and said to himself, “Finally! I made it to Equestria!” He squinted in an attempt to see through the darkness. “Now, which way to Ponyville?”

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