• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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New School, New Problems

Summer eventually made its way to fall and children everywhere were dreading their first day back to school.

“But Ah don’t wanna go to school!” whined Applejack as she pounded her hooves against the floor.

“Yer not goin’ to school ya halfwit!” yelled Granny Smith. “Yer takin’ Apple Bloom to school.”

“Who?” asked Applejack, getting up.

“That was funny the first twenty times, Sis,” said Apple Bloom as she grabbed her bag. “Now it’s just gotten annoying.”

“Seriously, who are you again?” asked Applejack.

And so, Applejack led Apple Bloom to Ponyville’s school building. After affectionately saying goodbye to her little sister-

“Ah’ll ask ya one more time,” growled Applejack, “Who the hell are you?”

Apple Bloom sighed and said, “Ah’ll see ya after school Applejack.” She went inside the classroom.

“How do ya know mah name?!” Applejack yelled after her. “WHO ARE YOU?!”

Apple Bloom walked to a nearby desk and sat down. More students piled into the classroom, chatting with each other.

When the bell rang, a purple-furred mare walked into the room. “Alright, get your hooves off each other, it’s time for class.” She walked to the front of the room and looked at the class. “Scootaloo, there’s no smoking in the school building.”

An orange-furred filly, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, pulled the cigarette out of her mouth. “Have you ever stared into the face of death?” she asked the teacher. “I have. I called him a pussy.” Scootaloo pressed the lit end of the cigarette against her own arm. She had a satisfied smile on her face as her skin burned.

“…Ok…” said the teacher. She shook her head and pointed to herself. “I am-”

The door slammed open and a small white-furred filly jumped into the room. She was dressed in black armor and had a mace in her hands. “Cower fools!” she yelled, her voice squeaking. “I am your new lord and master! Together we shall overthrow Princess Celestia and take Equestria for me!”

The teacher chuckled. “You kids and your active imaginations.”

The filly looked shocked. “Why are you not cowering? I’m evil!”

The teacher smiled. “Sure you are, Sweetie Belle.” She grabbed the mace from the armored filly. “I’m afraid I can’t let you have your toy in class. You’ll get it back at recess. Now take your seat please.”

“But-” squeaked a shocked Sweetie Belle. When the teacher put her mace into one of her desk drawers, Sweetie sighed and hung her head. She dejectedly walked to an empty seat.

“Ok, class!” resumed the teacher. “I am Miss Cheerilee, and I’ll be your teacher for the rest of your lives. Now, let’s get started on today’s lesson.” She turned around and presented her rear to the class. “Can anyone tell me what this is?”

“Big?” answered a filly.

“Round?” answered another.

“My first erection?” answered a colt from the back of the class.

“Not that!” said Cheerilee, rolling her eyes. She pointed at what she wanted the class to see. “This!”

“A tramp stamp?” someone asked.

“NO!” shouted Cheerilee. She turned her head to look. “I’m pointing at…oh. That is a tramp stamp. Sorry.” She moved her hoof and pointed at the three flowers on the side of her rear.

“Oh! Your cutie mark!” said a red-headed filly with glasses.

“Good work, Twist!” said Cheerilee. She turned around and faced the class. “Now, like all ponies, I wasn’t born with my Cutie Mark. When I was younger my flank was blank.”

“Sorry,” said a pink-furred filly with a large tiara on her head, “Could you say that again?”

“My flank was blank,” repeated Cheerilee.

“One more time?” asked a grey-furred filly with glasses.

“My flank was blank! I was a blank flank, ok?” said Cheerilee.

The two fillies smirked and muttered, “Childish nickname acquired!”

“Anyway,” continued Cheerilee, “When I was about your age, I found that my Cutie Mark appeared.”

“Wow…” muttered Twist. “I wonder what it was like when Cheerilee was our age.”

Cheerilee stared off into the distance as her memories came flooding back.

In a more radical time:

Five ponies stood in front of their teacher’s desk.

“Mr. Vernon,” began a younger Cheerilee, “We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for what Caramel did wrong…”

“Which is bullshit!” yelled a younger Caramel.

“But,” continued Cheerilee, “We think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…

A younger Big Macintosh, wearing a letterman jacket, stepped forward. “And an athlete…”

A younger Pinkie Pie, her grin wide, bounced forward. “And a basket case. By the way, why are we called the Breakfast Club if we don’t go out for breakfast?”

A younger Rarity ignored the question and stepped forward. “And a princess.”

Finally, Caramel, wearing a leather jacket, stepped forward. “And a criminal.”

Cheerilee looked towards Mr. Vernon and asked, “Does that answer your question?” She turned to the others and they nodded. They all began to leave, except for Caramel.

“You guys go on ahead!” he called after them. He pulled a knife out of his pocket and grinned psychotically at Mr. Vernon. “I’lL bE rIGht THEre…”

As the four others walked down the hall, ignoring their teacher’s screams, a song came on the P.A. system.

“Don’t you…Forget about me…”

Back in the present:

Cheerilee blinked and said, “Those were better days…” She shook her head and said, “Anyway, I decided to become a teacher. And these flowers represent my hope that I can help future students grow and…”

“Boring!” yelled the colt from the back of the class.

“And you can stay after class for detention, Rumble,” finished Cheerilee.

“Crap,” said Rumble.

“Now,” continued Cheerilee, “Can anyone tell me when ponies get their Cutie Marks? Raise your hand if you know the answer.”

Twist raised her hoof and said, “When they discover what makes them special.”

Cheerilee glared at Twist. “I didn’t call on you yet. And I said to raise your hand not your hoof.”

Twist looked at her hooves and said, “But I don’t have hands…”

“Excuses, excuses,” said Cheerilee. “Maybe some time in detention will help you come up with better ones. But you’re right. A pony’s Cutie Mark…”

Apple Bloom was listening to Cheerilee when she heard someone go “Psst!” She turned her head and saw the tiara-wearing pony try to get her attention. She pulled out a note and handed it to Apple Bloom.

“Pass that to Silver Spoon, ok?” whispered the pink filly.

Apple Bloom reached out to grab the note when-

“Diamond Tiara! Apple Bloom! Are you two passing notes?” asked Cheerilee. She came over to the two and glared at them. “What is so important it can’t wait until after class?” She picked up the note and looked at it. “It’s…blank?”

“JUST LIKE APPLE BLOOM’S FLANK!” laughed Diamond Tiara. “I AM SO CLEVER!” She laughed wildly.

Silver Spoon laughed weakly. “Good one, Diamond!”

“SHUT UP!” screamed Diamond Tiara. “DON’T RUIN MY MOMENT!”

“Ok…” whimpered Silver Spoon.

“Diamond Tiara!” shouted Cheerilee. “I am very disappointed in you! I’m going to have a talk with your father about this, young lady.”

“Ok,” said Diamond Tiara, smirking, “But first thing’s first. Can you tell you the name of this school?”

“The…name?” asked Cheerilee.

“Yes,” Diamond Tiara confirmed, “The name.”

Cheerilee sighed and said, “The Filthy Rich School for Filthy Rich’s Daughter…and others.”

“That’s right!” said Diamond. “Now, can you tell me who signs your paychecks?”

“…Your father?” said Cheerilee.

“Very good!” said Diamond. “It would be a shame if something happened that made my father lower your pay.”

“You can’t do that!” begged Cheerilee. “I’m a teacher! I barely make ends meet as it is!”

“Father might even be upset enough to fire you and replace you with someone he feels is better suited towards teaching,” said Diamond with a grin. She looked at Cheerilee with a satisfied smile on her face, “But don’t let me stop you. What time do you want to meet with my father again?”

Cheerilee grit her teeth. “That won’t be necessary. Just don’t do it again, alright?” She shot Apple Bloom a sympathetic look and went back to the front of the room.

Apple Bloom looked over at Diamond Tiara, who was smirking evilly at her. She held up a note that read, “WELCOME TO HELL”.

“…Well shit.” Apple Bloom muttered. This was going to be a long school year.

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