MLP: FML

by Maniac92

Partners in Pranking

Rainbow Dash flew pell-mell through the sky, almost reaching Sonic-Rainboom levels of speed. She narrowly dodged two other Pegasi in her mad rush. She looked down at the ground and searched frantically for a place to hide. She spotted an alley between two buildings, and flew down to land inside it. Chest heaving, Rainbow panted heavily as she tried to catch her breath. She had done it. She was safe.

"Rainbow Dash..."

Dash's eyes widened as she looked towards the entrance to the alleyway where a dark figure was standing. The figure slowly started walking towards her.

"Rainbow Dash..." said the figure.

Rainbow Dash, no longer having the energy to fly, stumbled her way down to the other side of the alley. Unfortunately, the opposite side was fenced off, leaving Dash trapped. Too tired to climb over the fence, Dash turned around to see that the figure was coming even closer.

"Rainbow Dash..." repeated the figure. "Time for CUPCAKES!"

Curling up in a ball, Dash cowered and waited for the inevitable.

"Dashie!" said the figure. "You said you'd make cupcakes with me!"

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes. Pinkie Pie was in front of her, pouting like a child. Rainbow Dash sighed and got up. "I'm not really interested in baking, Pinkie."

"Okay..." said Pinkie Pie. She thought for a few moments. "How about cards?"

"No." answered Rainbow Dash.

"Board games?"

"No."

"Reading?"

"Ew."

"Sex?"

"...Maybe."

"Pranks?"

"N-Wait. Did you just say pranks?" asked Dash with interest.

"Sure did!" said Pinkie Pie. "I'm a Prank Master!" She smiled deviously. "And I have the perfect prank..."

Later...

Spike walked out of the library, struggling to carry a mountain of scrolls. He had been in a creative mood lately, and had written several pieces of pornographic short stories under the penname "E. Jack Ulation". Feeling proud of his pile of porno, Spike was on his way to a publishing house by the name of FINFiction. He was hoping that his saucy scribblings would get headlined in FINFiction's featured publications.

Spike breathed in the morning air, reshuffled the erotica in his hands, and took a step.

"NOW DASHIE!" screamed a voice.

Spike doubled over as a familiar blue Pegasus punched in square in the gut. As the wind rushed out of Spike, he accidentally activated his fire breath and sent his porn off packing to Princess Celestia.

"God damn it..." wheezed Spike as he collapsed.

Meanwhile, at Canterlot...

"God, I'm sooooooooo bored." said Celestia as she sat on her bed. "I feel like I'm spending time with Luna." She got off her bed and yawned. "Maybe I should start a war with the Changelings. That'd liven things up around here."

There was a flash of green as a scroll appeared. Celestia grabbed it with her magic and groaned. "Something from Twilight? It's probably another research paper about dust or something." She read the name on the scroll. "E. Jack Ulation? Who is that?" Her curiosity piqued, Celestia opened the scroll and read some of the lines:

"The alabaster mare wiggled her luscious hips suggestively and moaned to her lover, 'Come on! Hurry up and fu-'"

Blushing slightly, Celestia watched as a massive pile of scrolls appeared in her room and hit the floor with a loud thud. Hearing the noise, the guards outside rushed into the bedroom. "YOUR HIGHNESS!" yelled one. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"

Still blushing, Celestia cleared her throat and said, "No need for alarm. I just received some interesting correspondence from one of my subjects."

The other guard looked at the large pile of lewd material and groaned, "I guess we should get all of that out of your bedroom, your highness..."

"NO!" yelled Celestia. Her blush seemed to increase as she looked at the mountain of raunchy reading. "Mr. Ulation went to all the trouble to send me all of this. I should personally read all of them..." She bit her lip and said breathlessly, "Thoroughly".

Back in Ponyville...

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie laughed as the ran away from the unconscious body of Spike. "That was AWESOME!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She looked over at Pinkie with newfound respect. "I didn't take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie."

"How did you take me?" asked Pinkie in confusion.

"Wha- No!" said Rainbow Dash. "I meant that I didn't expect you to be a prankster."

"You should of known me when I worked on my families rock farm!" said Pinkie. "I used to tell Blinkie that the rocks were actually rock candy. She broke all her teeth when she tried to eat a boulder!"

Rainbow Dash laughed. She looked at Pinkie and said, "We need to do this again! Who should we prank next?"

Pinkie smiled and said, "I've got an idea..."

Later that night...

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie hid in the bushes outside Carousel Boutique. The windows were dark and there were no signs of life inside. "Is she asleep?" whispered Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash flew up to the highest window and peeked in. Rarity was in her bed, fast asleep. Rainbow Dash smirked, flew back down to Pinkie and said, "She's asleep. Did you bring it?"

Pinkie Pie smiled as she pulled up an electric hair clipper. She turned it on and it started to buzz.

The next morning

Rarity yawned as she got out of bed. She felt strange and a cool breeze was tickling her scalp for some reason. Confused, she made her way to the bathroom in order to shower and get ready. As she passed a mirror, she froze and was horror-struck by what she saw.

Her beautiful purple mane was gone. It had been shaved off, aside from some small purple tufts that were missed. As Rarity gazed at her new hairstyle, she did the only thing she could think of.

She screamed.

Outside the Boutique...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The two pranksters outside burst out laughing at Rarity's scream and ran away from the Boutique. "That was soooo much fun!" said Pinkie Pie. "Who should we prank next?"

Rainbow Dash smirked and said, "I think I now the perfect pony..."

Later...

Twilight Sparkle turned to Rainbow Dash and asked, "Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious, Twilight!" said Rainbow Dash. "This will help you understand friendship a whole lot better! Isn't that right, Pinkie?"

"It's true as blue, Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie. "Everypony loves celebrates their half-birthdays!"

"But still, hair clippers?" asked Twilight as she stared at the object in her hooves. "Why would Rarity want this?"

"Just trust us. You know how Rarity is with her makeovers." said Rainbow. "We already uh...gave Rarity our gift. All you have to do is go knock on the door and tell Rarity that you hope she liked her present."

"Well...okay..." said Twilight. She picked the clippers up with her magic and walked to the door of Carousel Boutique. She knocked and waited for Rarity to answer. The front door opened a crack and a voice growled out, "What?!"

Taken aback, Twilight smiled nervously and held out the hair clippers. "I hope you liked your present Rarity!"

"IT WAS YOU?!" screamed Rarity. She threw open the door to glare at the purple unicorn. Twilight was shocked to see Rarity's mostly shaved head. "YOU DID THIS TO ME?!"

Twilight thought back to Rainbow Dash's and Pinkie Pie's wide grins when they handed her the hair clippers and told her that Rarity would love her present. "Those motherfuckers..." groaned Twilight.

Rarity dove at Twilight and knocked her to the ground.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie giggled as Rarity began beating the tar out of Twilight. "Who else should we prank?" asked Pinkie.

"Hmm..." thought Dash. Her eyes lit up as inspiration struck her. "I know! Follow me!" She flew off and Pinkie followed, leaving the two fighting unicorns.

At Sweet Apple Acres

"THE BARN'S ON FIRE AGAIN?!" screamed Applejack as she and the rest of the Apple family tried to put out the fire. "DAMN IT, CARAMEL!"

"I BlaME the INterNET!" yelled Caramel.

"Awww..." moaned Rainbow Dash as she watched the barn burn. "Caramel beat us to it, Pinkie."

"Mmmmph mmmph." said Pinkie Pie. She was dressed in a red jumpsuit, had a gas mask on, and was waving around a flamethrower.

"Pinkie, I didn't understand a word you just said." said Rainbow Dash. "I have a better pranking idea anyway. Follow me!"

At the lake...

"Here you are Mrs. Flounder." said Fluttershy as she fed the fish and animals in the lake. "And there you go Mr. Mallard. Enjoy your food."

"Do you have any pizza?" asked a turtle as he crawled up onto the bank.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Turtle, but I don't have any pizza." said Fluttershy.

"Bogus." said the turtle.

Another turtle pulled up to the shore, only this one was...different. It had buttons for eyes, squeaked, and had a rope connected to it.

Fluttershy raised her eyebrows at the "turtle" and said, "Um...hello?" The turtle sprayed water in her face. "Wh-why would you do that?" asked Fluttershy with tears in her eyes.

In the bushes near the shore, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie started quietly laughing to themselves. "Spray her again, Pinkie!"

Pinkie laughed and nodded.

"Mr. Turtle?" asked Fluttershy.

"Yo!" said the turtle.

"Do you recognize him?"

Mr. Turtle looked at the other "turtle" and said, "Well, he's not Raph, he's not Leo, and he only has a passing resemblance to Donnie. I don't recognize him."

Fluttershy turned back to the "turtle" and was sprayed in the face again. "Please stop spraying water in my face." She was sprayed again. "Stop, please!" She was sprayed again. "Stop!" pleaded Fluttershy.

"One more time Pinkie!" said Rainbow Dash. "I think Fluttershy is about to cry!"

The fake turtle sprayed Fluttershy in the face again.

Fluttershy glared at the turtle. "I...said...STOP!" she screamed. Fluttershy grabbed the fake turtle and started to punch it. "YOU GONNA SPRAY ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE BITCH?! ARE YOU?!"

Mr. Turtle watched Fluttershy's beatdown of the fake turtle and said to himself, "And I thought Shredder was scary..."

In the bushes, Rainbow and Pinkie could only stare in horror as their fake turtle was torn apart by Fluttershy. "Well..." said Pinkie Pie. "That was unexpected."

Rainbow Dash shrugged and the two ponies started walking back to town. "Aw well..." said Rainbow Dash. "That wasn't the best prank anyway."

"Oh!" said Pinkie Pie. "I just remembered that I'm late for work! Bye Dashie!" Pinkie Pie ran off, leaving Rainbow all alone.

Rainbow Dash watched as Pinkie Pie ran back to town. "Well, great. Now what should I do all day?" she asked.

"Hello Dash." said a voice.

Rainbow Dash looked up and her eyes widened. "Gilda?"

Author's Note

That FINFiction joke had nothing to do with the fine folks at FIMFiction. I swear.

Comments

[MissytheAngle]

"Sex?"
"...Maybe."

The PinkieDash-er in me squealed, "Yes!"

Also, kind of hoping it was Fluttershy at the end, who found her, and that's why Pinkie Pie ran off. Buuuut I'm not the author. We need to get to the actual point of this story, anyway, even if those pranks were so funny.

[Maniac92]

1763741 Oh, I wish I thought of Fluttershy finding them... Oh well...

[EchoWolf31]

As fucking hilarious as ever man, keep it up.

[Maniac92]

1782773 2012, man! 2012!

[Voltaje]

Truly fucking hilarousss¡¡¡

[tocsin1990]

"You should of known me when I worked on my families rock farm!" said Pinkie. "I used to tell Blinkie that the rocks were actually rock candy. She broke all her teeth when she tried to eat a boulder!"

Thank you, Maud Pie. Thank you.

[EnderKyle]

This is hilarious so far! just one teeny tiny grammar issue

Her beautiful purple man was gone.

*Mane

[Maniac92]

4449611 Thanks for that. I'll get that fixed right away. Besides, everyone knows Rarity's purple man is right where he always is.

[ManWithThePan]

"Mmmmph mmmph." said Pinkie Pie. She was dressed in a red jumpsuit, had a gas mask on, and was waving around a flamethrower.

fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/108/3/8/pinkie_pyro_loadout_by_gir678-d4wl096.png
Huddah huh huh!
NOT THE PYROS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[thatguy45]

4449611 maybe that's what she meant, hmm? didn't think of that, huh?

[metroid_freak]

Spike walked out of the library, struggling to carry a mountain of scrolls. He had been in a creative mood lately, and had written several pieces of pornographic short stories under the penname "E. Jack Ulation". Feeling proud of his pile of porno, Spike was on his way to a publishing house by the name of FINFiction. He was hoping that his saucy scribblings would get headlined in FINFiction's featured publications.

Oh, that summary...pffffftt...

[Swashbucklist]

Sure would be nice if Celestia were to invite Spike into her bedchambers to thank him personally for all those wonderful stories. They could even read some together.

[vl268]

6388916 LETS DO IT!!!!!!

[Random Order]

4265952 it's should have or should've, not should of.

[Bonk]

I feel like every single one of Spike's stories involves someone he's had crushes for in his life. One'll have Rarity, another with Moondancer, probably one about Twilight, and hell, I'm sure he's thought about nailing Celestia. Now THAT would be great for a reaction from Sunbutt.
Fake Spoiler Alert: she was masturbating to those stories in Lesson Zero when Twilight interrupted, and that's why she was so pissed.

[thedarkitty]

Spike was on his way to a publishing house by the name of FINFiction. He was hoping that his saucy scribblings would get headlined in FINFiction's featured publications. <<<<<<< that bit...

You just described the perfect meaning of life for the people on this site.

Oh gawd what am I doing with my life?

Expect some bills from a shrink as well.

[OmnipresentMicroorganism]

I know that the FIM in FIMfiction stands for Friendship Is Magic, but what does FIN stand for?

[AnnonyMouse]

6867966 Friendship is Nuts?

[denneylaw]

1763907 I think the picture at the end of this chapter is broken. Whatever it is.

[Maniac92]

7272940 It was a picture of Discorded Applejack after a lie, but since the link doesn't work, I took it out.

[Al67406]

Oh great Fluttershy you scared Mikey