• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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A Steamy Storm

The day started out perfect. The sun, with no smoke to obscure it, was shining. What clouds were in the sky were white and puffy and added to the serene scenery that was the atmosphere. A gentle breeze blew across Ponyville, creating a quiet, peaceful mood to the town.

Rainbow Dash was paying attention to none of this as she pushed clouds across the sky. Instead, she was thinking of what her night had in store.

I’m gonna get some sex, gonna get some sex, gonna gonna get some SEX! She thought as she pressed clouds together.

“Um…Rainbow?” asked a white Pegasus mare with a blue mane. “Are you sure you should be putting the clouds together like that?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head and looked at the clouds she had smashed together. Instead of being white like the other clouds around, the ones Rainbow had pushed together were turning a dull gray. “Uh…of course I’m sure?” she said uncertainly. She cleared her throat and said more authoritatively, “I mean, of course I’m sure! Jesus, Lightning Bolt, do you think I was put in charge of the weather team by accident?”

“…Didn’t you threaten the mayor’s life if she didn’t put you in charge?” asked Lightning.

“Details, details.” Rainbow Dash said dismissively. She pointed at the gray mass of clouds. “Since I clearly meant to do this on purpose, I want the rest of you to make these kinds of clouds.”

“But Rainbow,” said Lightning Bolt, “If every Pegasus on the weather team makes these types of clouds it’s going to make a really big storm!”

Rainbow squinted her eyes at the other pony. “Isn’t your name ‘Lightning Bolt’?” she asked. “A really big storm is probably a wet dream come true for you.”

“…How’d you know?” asked Lightning Bolt.

And so, the weather ponies all pushed the clouds together and, soon enough, a large black cloud was hanging over Ponyville. In response, the Mayor had ordered everyone to prepare for the storm of the century.

“I thought this was the ‘Look Before You Sleep’ parody?” asked Pinkie Pie as she was locking Sugarcube Corner.

I said Storm of the century, not Swarm.

“Oh!” said Pinkie as she locked trapped customers in the cellar.

Meanwhile, at the library, Twilight was helping Spike pack.

“And don’t forget to brush your teeth, change your underwear, and don’t get in any vans with strange men.” lectured Twilight as Spike shut his suitcase.

“Ok,” said Spike, “I’ll do the teeth thing, but I don’t wear clothes and what if the man has candy?”

The two heard Pinkie shouting in the distance, “GO FOR THE CANDY!”

“No!” said Twilight. “Not even if they have candy!”

“Aww…” they heard Pinkie say.

“Fine, fine.” said Spike as he picked up his suitcase. “I’m just going to take care of some Royal Business anyway.”

“I know, but…” Twilight eyes started to fill with tears. “You’re just growing up so fast. I…I…OH SPIKE!” She grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, sobbing loudly.

“Did I mention that you had new books arrive today?” said Spike, his face pressed against Twilight’s shoulder.

“NEW BOOKS?!” shouted Twilight. She pushed Spike down and looked around. She spotted a large box in the corner and rushed towards it. She tore it open and started to examine the books inside.

Spike picked up his suitcase again and looked outside. He saw the Royal Chariot land on the grass. “Looks like my ride’s here. I’m going.”

Twilight casually waved a hoof in Spike’s general direction. “Yeah, yeah.” she said, still distracted by books.

Spike went outside and walked over to the chariot.

“HELLO, SMALL LIZARD MAN!” shouted Gung-ho Guard, as Spike tossed his suitcase in the chariot.

“Hey.” greeted Spike. “You two still in this story, then?”

“For now…” said Depressed Guard, hanging his head.

“Cool.” said Spike. “…You guys don’t charge a fare, right?”

“FOR THE LAST TIME,” yelled Gung-ho Guard, “WE ARE NOT A TAXI SERVICE!”

Back inside the library, Twilight was reading some of the titles of her new books. “King Sombra’s Guide to Slavery, I Sent My Sister To The Moon & So Can You, Flash Sentry’s How I Survived Being Hated Just For Existing…” She smiled happily as she continued to pull out book after book. “This is great!”

Meanwhile, throughout Ponyville, ponies were pulling loose branches off of trees so they wouldn’t be blown off during the storm.

“Can you get that Derpy?” asked an orange-maned mare as she watched Derpy struggle with a branch.

“I’ve got it Carrot Top!” said Derpy as she gave the branch a strong tug. It popped off with a snap. Her wall-eyes narrowed as her voice took on a low tone. “It’s just like ripping off an arm. Just got to get a good grip and pull.”

“Oh, ok.” said Carrot as she walked away. She paused and came walking back. “Wait, what did you say?”

“Nothing!” said Derpy happily, a friendly smile on her face.

A little ways away, Rarity was using her magic to fix a fallen branch back onto a tree. She looked up and frowned. “This still needs a little something…” She thought for a moment before saying happily, “I’ve got it!” Her horn glowed as she used her magic on the branch. She stood back and admired her handiwork.

SHOP AT RARITY’S were the words she had made out of the leaves on the branch.

“Perfect!” said Rarity happily.

“Perfectly retarded!” said a voice. A lasso was thrown and snared the branch. The lasso was given a sharp tug, snapping the branch and sending it, and Rarity’s free advertising, to the ground.

Rarity gasped and looked up to see a pair of angry green eyes staring at her. “Would ya just take these damn branches down, Rarity?” said Applejack. “Don’t ya think that’s a little more important than shameless self-promotion?”

Rarity took a step back and glared at Applejack. She waved a hoof in front of her face. “Please don’t stand so close to me, Darling.” she growled. “I can smell you just fine from over there.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Rarity. “Ah’m gonna ignore that little comment. How’s about we just git back to work and take care of these fucking branches so they don’t kill no one?”

“I believe the proper word is ‘anybody’.” corrected Rarity. “But you’re right. We should take care of these branches before the storm hits.” She sighed as she looked up at the dark clouds. “God knows what Rainbow Dash was thinking, scheduling a storm as big as this.”

Meanwhile:

“Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex, sexy sex!” chanted Rainbow Dash as she flew across the sky.

Back With the Other Two:

Rain started to fall on the two ponies. Rarity groaned. “Great. Now my mane and makeup will be ruined.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, “Yeah. That’s a real shame.” She gave Rarity a scolding glare. “If you just did what you supposed to, we would be done already.”

“Dear,” said Rarity, meeting Applejack’s glare with a glare of her own, “Do us a favor and shut up, hmm? Help me look for a place to stay dry.”

“Help yerself.” growled Applejack. “It’s yer own fault that you’re out here.” She turned and walk towards a nearby picnic table.

“Where are you going?” asked Rarity.

“Someplace dry.” said Applejack. She crawled underneath the table. “Look, it’s dry down here…aside from a little mud. You can hunker down right here.”

“Hunker down. In the mud.” Rarity laughed mockingly. “Do you know who I am?”

“Unfortunately.” said Applejack, crawling back out from under the table.

“I am not going to ‘hunker down’ in the mud.” said Rarity with an air of finality. “I mean, I’m sure it’s fine for a pony like you, but-”

“Now hold on just a second!” interrupted Applejack, glaring at Rarity. “What do ya mean, ‘a pony like me’?”

“You know…” began Rarity, “A dirty, smelly, hayseed like you.”

“You wanna say that again?” asked Applejack. “Because Ah would really love it if you did.”

“Why?” asked Rarity smugly. “Was I going too fast for you?”

“No.” said Applejack, cracking her neck. “Ah just want to make sure Ah heard ya correctly before Ah make ya cry like the prissy, stuck-up, little bitch that you are.”

The two ponies glared at each other with such intensity that they were unfazed by the lightning that struck uncomfortably close to them.

“Applejack! Rarity!” yelled a voice.

“Did you just hear something?” asked Rarity, looking around.

“Was it the sound of you whinin’?” asked Applejack. “‘Cause that’s nothin’ new.”

“No, you simpleton!” said Rarity. She peered around through the torrent of rain. “I heard someone calling us.”

“Applejack! Rarity!” came the voice again.

The two looked and saw Twilight waving from her library. “Get inside, you fucking morons!” she yelled.

Rarity and Applejack ran towards the library. Rarity ran inside, but Applejack stopped just shy of the entrance. “Is inside a tree the safest place to be in a lightning storm?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “All the illogical and stupid shit that happens in this story and that’s what you question?”

“It seems pretty relevant!” Applejack said, defending herself.

“Look, I have a magical lightning rod that protects my house, ok?” explained Twilight. She laughed. “Spike got electrocuted a few times when he was setting it up. It was hilarious!”

“Speaking of,” said Rarity, looking around, “Where is Spike?”

“He’s off in Canterlot.” explained Twilight. “He has to take care of some ‘Royal Business’ for the Princess.”

“Royal Business?” asked Applejack, still standing at the entrance.

Twilight shrugged. “He’s never explained it.”

Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle:

Princess Celestia laid on the couch and said, “I mean, I just don’t get it. I mean, sure, I might of sent her to the moon for a thousand years. That doesn’t make me a bad sister, does it?” She looked to the individual sitting in the arm chair beside the couch. “What do you think, Doctor?”

Spike peered at Celestia through his glasses and stroked his fake moustache. “I think we need to go deeper. Tell me about your childhood.”

Back in Ponyville:

“Look, the storm’s raging outside.” said Twilight. She grimaced. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…how would you like to stay here for tonight?”

Rarity smiled. “Thank you for your offer, Twilight. I’d love to stay here for the night.”

“Sounds fine to me. Thanks for the hospitality.” said Applejack. She started walking inside, but was stopped by Rarity. “What?”

Rarity pointed to Applejack’s hooves, which were covered in mud. “You can’t just walk in here and dirty Twilight’s home!” She smirked. “I know you were raised in a barn, Applejack, but come on.”

“Fine.” growled Applejack. She looked around and spotted a hose laying by the side of the house. “Then Ah’ll go wash mah hooves off.”

“I better go with you.” said Rarity, sticking her nose in the air. “Given the way you smell, I assume you don’t know how to clean yourself very well.” She walked outside.

Applejack growled, but followed Rarity regardless.

“Yikes.” said Twilight once they had gone. “What’s gotten into those two?” She looked at the big box still sitting in the corner, books lying all around it. “I better clean this up while they’re gone.”

She put the books back into the box. She paused as she grabbed the last book. “I don’t think I read the cover of this one yet.” she said. She glanced at the title. “How to Get Your Two Bickering Friends Together: Sleepover Edition by Princess Cadance.” Twilight stared at the book. “Why would anyone read this?” she asked. She paused. “Two bickering friends, huh?”

She looked towards the window. Applejack and Rarity were bickering as Rarity washed off Applejack’s hooves. Applejack ground her teeth and grabbed the hose from Rarity. She pointed it at Rarity’s face, spraying her with water.

“Then again,” said Twilight, looking at the book, “If I don’t do something, these two will probably kill each other by the end of the night. Maybe this thing could at least help them be friends?”

Rarity and Applejack walked back inside, yelling at each other.

“And if you ever spray me with water again,” hollered Rarity, “I will personally shove that hose right up your-”

“Girls!” said Twilight. “I found a book with all sorts of fun things to do at a slumber party! We should totally try it!”

The two ponies stared at Twilight.

“Um…can we not?” asked Rarity. “I think it would be best if we just go to bed.”

“Yeah.” agreed Applejack. “The sooner we hit the hay, the sooner tomorrow comes, and the sooner tomorrow comes, the sooner Ah kin git away from Rarity.”

“Please?” pleaded Twilight, desperate to get the two to cooperate. “I’ve never had a slumber party before! I just wanted to spend time with my friends…” She forced herself not to blink, causing tears to appear in her eyes.

“Well…” said Rarity. “I…suppose I could give it a try…”

“Ah guess…” agreed Applejack. “Ah don’t want Twilight to feel bad or nothin’…”

“Or ‘anything’.” corrected Rarity.

Applejack growled. “Rainbow Dash,” she muttered, “You better be havin’ as miserable a night as Ah am…”

Meanwhile:

Rainbow Dash broke the kiss and leaned back in bed. “Damn.” she said. “You’ve still got it, Gilda.”

Gilda laughed as she adjusted her glasses. “I missed doing this the last time I was here. Got to make up for lost time.”

Rainbow pointed towards the glasses. “I haven’t seen you wear those since high school.”

Gilda smiled and held up her hands. “Do you know how much effort it takes to put in contact lens with talons? Sometimes it’s just not worth it.”

“You look good with them.” came a voice. Rainbow Dash and Gilda looked down at Fluttershy, who was cuddling with Gilda’s chest.

“I know how much you like them.” said Gilda. “I remember the last night I spent here.” She laughed at Fluttershy’s red face and wrapped her arms around her.

“Um…” said a voice. Rainbow looked over at Lightning Bolt, who was lying next to her. “Why am I here, again?”

Rainbow shrugged and pulled Lightning closer to her. “‘Cause you were super horny when the storm started. That, and I think you have a nice ass.”

“Also…” began Lightning. “Why is there a rabbit with a video camera here?”

All eyes went to Angel, who was at the foot of the bed and was recording them with a camera.

Fluttershy shrugged. “He likes to watch.” She looked at the other three and smiled. “Ready for Round 2?”

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