• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Preparations, Plans, and Twilight's Bush

“No.” said Fluttershy.

“Come on Fluttershy!” begged Twilight. “We need you to do this!” She gestured to the other ponies standing around the library. “Everyone else agreed to help.”

“Yes, they did.” admitted Fluttershy. “But everyone else doesn’t have to convince a huge, fire-breathing dragon to leave and not come back.”

“That’s somethin’ that’s been botherin’ me.” interjected Applejack. “Why is there a dragon in Equestria in the first place? They’re mean, vicious, and are generally a bunch of assholes.”

“No kidding.” agreed Rainbow Dash. “Fuck dragons. They suck.”

Spike glared at the two ponies and said, “Nice.” He threw down the bags he had packed for Twilight and stomped off. “REAL NICE!” he hollered at them.

Applejack looked guilty. “Should we go say sorry?”

“He’ll get over it.” said Rainbow Dash. She winced and added, “…Hopefully.”

Twilight walked over to her bags and checked their contents. “The dragon could be here for any number of reasons. It could have gotten lost from other dragons, it could be claiming territory for itself, it could be gathering its hoard…”

Rainbow Dash snickered. “Whored.”

Twilight shot a glare at the laughing pony. “Anyway,” she continued as she turned to Fluttershy, “I just need you to talk to him. Like you do with any animal.”

“B-but-” began Fluttershy.

“Oh, come on!” said an exasperated Rainbow Dash. “You’ll have us there to protect you from it! I mean, true, the dragon probably has razor-sharp teeth and claws…”

“Teeth?” asked Fluttershy, her eyes widening. “Claws?”

“And, sure, it’s probably big enough to crush all of us with one foot…” continued Rainbow.

“Air.” wheezed Fluttershy, heading towards the exit. “I need air.”

“And its fire is likely hot enough to fry us in seconds.” finished Rainbow. “But aside from that, what’s there to be scared of?”

Fluttershy considered it for a moment. “No.” she replied before promptly fainting.

“…That was not my fault!” said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight sighed as she walked over to the fallen Pegasus. “Look,” she said to the others, “while I try to convince Fluttershy to do this, you girls go and get supplies.”

“What kind of supplies?” asked Applejack.

“I don’t know.” said Twilight as she tried in vain to slap Fluttershy awake. “Bring things you think will help fight a dragon.”

One Hour Later:

“APPLES, BALLOONS, GEMS, AND AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES OF YOURSELF ARE NOT GOING TO HELP FIGHT A DRAGON!” screamed Twilight at the others as they stood outside the library.

“Now hold up just a minute!” replied Applejack as she set her bags down. She pulled out a delicious looking red apple. “These ain’t regular apples.”

Twilight stared at the apple in her friend’s hooves. “It looks like a regular apple.”

Applejack smirked. She looked around and spotted a dead tree a few feet away from them. She aimed and hurled the apple right at the tree. The apple smashed through the tree, causing splintered wood to fly everywhere.

“H-how did…?” asked Twilight as the wrecked tree fell.

“These apples were harvested by Apple Bloom.” explained Applejack.

“What did she do to them?” asked Twilight.

“We don’t know, Sugarcube.” said Applejack sadly. “We don’t know.”

Twilight turned to Pinkie and asked, “What will your balloons do for us?”

“In case things go bad,” began Pinkie, “we can tie the balloons around ourselves and float away!”

Twilight sighed. “Pinkie, a pony is too heavy to be lifted up by a few balloons.”

“Oh really?” asked Pinkie as she pointed to the sky.

Twilight looked up and saw an orange Pegasus filly with a purple mane high up in the air. Three balloons were tied around her waist and she looked terrified. “HELP ME!” she screamed as she floated away.

“…Huh.” said Twilight as she decided to pretend like that didn’t happen. “Anyway…” she turned towards Rarity. “Gems?”

“Dragons love to add things to their hoard, correct?” asked Rarity. “I brought my best jewels with me. If things don’t work out, I can always try to bribe the beast into letting us go.”

Twilight nodded. “Ok. That makes sense.”

“And if that doesn’t work…” continued Rarity as she rummaged through her bags. She pulled out a large knife and grinned wickedly. “We can always convince him to go away.” She started chuckling in a low tone.

Twilight slowly backed away from Rarity. She turned towards Rainbow Dash and asked, “So what can your pictures do to help with the dragon?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I don’t know.” She pulled out one of her pictures from her bag. “I just like to look at myself.”

Twilight sighed and closed her eyes, feeling a massive headache coming on. She turned to the rest of the ponies and cleared her throat. “Okay everyone. I’ve mapped out the fastest route to the dragon. However, we do need to keep a good pace if we want to make it up the mountain by nightfall.” She gazed solemnly at the assembled ponies. “I won’t lie to you. Some of you probably won’t make it back. That’s why I had Spike prepare your last will and testaments while you were getting supplies.”

Spike came forward with six documents and a quill in his hands. “Who do you girls want to leave all of your possessions to?”

“Oooh!” said Pinkie, bouncing in place. “I want to leave all my stuff to Twilight!”

“But what if I die too?” asked Twilight.

“Good point.” agreed Pinkie. “In that case, I leave all my stuff to Applejack.”

“Aw, that’s sweet of ya.” said Applejack. “I leave the farm to Rainbow Dash.”

“And I’ll leave all of my stuff to Rarity!” said Rainbow Dash.

“And I’ll leave all of my things to Pinkie.” said Rarity.

“No!” said Twilight. “We could all die here, you guys! We need to leave it with somebody who isn’t coming.”

“I know!” said Pinkie. “We could all give our stuff to Fluttershy!”

Twilight pressed a hoof to her head. “Pinkie. Fluttershy is coming with us and could die too.”

“She’s coming with us?” asked Pinkie. She looked around. “She’s not here. Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sur-” Twilight paused and looked around. “…Where is Fluttershy?”

“Um…Twilight?” asked Spike. He pointed towards the bushes by the library. “Has that bush always had eyes?”

Twilight looked over and saw two blue eyes peering out from the bushes. “Fluttershy! Get out of my bush!”

Fluttershy slowly stuck her head out of the bush and said, “Um…I’m fine staying in here. Really. Your untrimmed bush is a perfect place to hide in, Twilight.”

“Twilight has an untrimmed bush!” laughed Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie started laughing too. “It’s funny because it’s about pubes!”

Twilight growled. She looked back into her bush and said, “Fluttershy, we need you to do this.”

“But what about Angel?” asked Fluttershy from the darkness of Twilight’s bush. “He needs someone to look after him!”

“Spike can take care of that!” said Twilight. She pointed at Spike, who was staring at Angel.

The bunny and the dragon stared at each other for a long moment.

“…”

“…”

“…Want to get some blow?” asked Spike.

Angel nodded and the two went inside the library.

“See!” said Twilight to Fluttershy. “Angel will be in good hands…more or less.”

“I don’t know…” said Fluttershy. “What if-”

“NOW GIRLS!” said Twilight. The other ponies plunged into Twilight’s bush and dragged a stunned Fluttershy out. They held her over their heads and charged towards the mountain.

Meanwhile:

Deep underground, a dog-like creature wearing a tattered red vest ran down tunnels and paths. He had to reach his boss in order to tell him the good news.

The dog came to a large door. Pushing it open, he made his way inside. “Boss Pitt! Boss Pitt!” he called out. “I have news!”

A massive Pitbull looked up from his throne. “What is it?”

Rover stopped and bowed before the monstrous dog. “There’s a dragon in the mountains, boss! Its probably got a lot of jewels in its hoard! I thought we could-”

You thought?!” said Boss Pitt as he got up from his throne. “Let me tell you what you thought, boy.” He reached down and grabbed Rover by the back of his vest. “You thought jack shit! I’m the one who does the thinking around here!” Spit flew from Boss Pitt’s mouth and landed on Rover’s face. “GOT IT?!”

Rover whimpered. “Yes Boss. Sorry Boss.”

Boss Pitt dropped Rover to the cavern floor. “Let me tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking that this dragon has to have a hoard. And this hoard will have all the gold and jewels we’ll ever need. So,” He stomped over to where Rover was cowering on the floor and kneeled down so he could look him in the eyes, “I’m thinking that we go up that mountain, find that dragon, and take that hoard for ourselves. Sound good?”

Rover gulped and said, “S-sounds good, Boss.”

Boss Pitt showed his fangs, giving Rover a feral smile. “Good boy. Now,” He straightened up and raised his voice, “Get the rest of the pack moving! We going to get my treasure and nothin’s gonna stop us!”

Author's Note:

I'm making no excuses for not updating. I only offer apologies. And sweet, sweet lovin' if you're into that kind of thing.

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