• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Winging It

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were flying high in the air. Rainbow sighed as she looked over at Fluttershy. “Listen, you’ve got to get better at cheering. You need to be more assertive.”

Fluttershy flew close to Rainbow Dash and poked her ear with her hoof. “Beep beep.”

“I said assertive, not insertive!” yelled Rainbow Dash, flying away from Fluttershy. “You have to speak up!”

“Oh! Ok,” said Fluttershy, “In that case, I think you drink too much.”

Rainbow Dash’s lower lip quivered. “You’re a monster!” she screamed. She took off crying.

Fluttershy sighed and sped up. She could make out Cloudsdale in the distance, and spotted Rainbow Dash fly into the city. As Fluttershy followed, pegasus ponies of all kinds were flying around, each of them talking about the upcoming competition.

“Man, this thing is going to be cool!” said Rainbowshine. She looked over to her companion. “Aren’t you excited Derpy?”

“Hmm?” asked the wall-eyed Pegasus. “About what?”

“About the Best Young Flier competition!” said Rainbowshine.

“Oh!” said Derpy. She was silent for a moment. “…What is that again?”

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy landed on a cloud. Rainbow Dash stretched and smiled at Fluttershy. “Man, being back here brings back memories! Why did I ever leave?”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Rainbow Crash!” said a voice.

Rainbow frowned. “Oh, right…” She turned around, her eyes narrowing.

Three stallions were walking up to them. One had brown fur and a cream-colored mane, one was orange-furred and had a brown mane, and the other had grey fur and a black mane. They were all sneering at Rainbow Dash.

“Get kicked out of any flight schools lately?” said the one with brown fur.

“Hello Dumbbell,” said Rainbow Dash politely. “Suck any cock lately?”

“Well yesterday he-” began the stallion with orange-fur.

“Shut the fuck up, Hoops!” growled Dumbbell. He turned to Rainbow Dash. “If it weren’t for your little griffon slut helping you, you wouldn’t have even graduated high school!”

“Yeah!” said Hoops. “All you had was your little story about your Sonic Rainboom! Like that was even true!”

“You guys were all there when I did that,” said Rainbow Dash. She smiled and said, “Speaking of high school, you remember Fluttershy, right?”

Fluttershy waved at the three stallions. “Hello boys! It’s good to see you again.”

The stallions shrieked in terror.

“I-It’s Cutter!” yelled Hoops.

“Run for your lives!” yelled Dumbbell.

“Hang on!” said Fluttershy. “I’ve changed since high school! I’m not-”

A pony bumped into her, cutting her off. “Oh! I’m so sorry Miss, I-”

Fluttershy grabbed the pony by the throat and pulled her close. “I. Was. Talking,” she growled. She picked the pony up and threw her off the cloud. Fluttershy cleared her throat and turned back to the others. “Now,” she said happily, “What were we-” She blinked and looked around, but the three stallions disappeared. “Where’d they go?”

“They flew off crying for their mommies,” said Rainbow Dash. She puffed her chest. “I’ll show those three. I’ll do my Sonic Rainboom at the competition and win for sure!”

“Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy. “Have…have you done a Sonic Rainboom before?”

“Of course!” said Rainbow. “Once. Years ago. Without knowing how I did it. Why?”

“Aren’t you worried that you won’t be able to do it again?” asked Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash started laughing. “Oh, Fluttershy…” She paused, her eyes widening. “…Oh shit…what if I can’t do it?”

“Um…” began Fluttershy.

“What if I fail?” asked Rainbow Dash. “What if everyone laughs at me? What if the Wonderbolts laugh at me?”

“Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy.

“I’ll never be able to show my face again!” continued Rainbow. “Everywhere I go, ponies will point and laugh and say, ‘There goes Rainbow Dash, the pony that humiliated herself in front of thousands of ponies’!”

“Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy.

“I’m gonna puke,” said Rainbow Dash, holding her stomach. “I’m literally going to puke.” She started hyperventilating. “Air…getting…thin! Hard to…breathe!” She grabbed Fluttershy and started shaking her, “Fluttershy! Which arm hurts when you’re about to have a heart attack?!”

“Rainbow Dash!” yelled Fluttershy. She raised a hoof and smacked the other pegasus in the face. “Snap out of it!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t react to the slap. She only tightened her grip on Fluttershy. “Fluttershy,” she began calmly, “I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown. What could you possibly tell me that would let me, and I quote, ‘Snap out of it’?”

Fluttershy lifted her arm and pointed. “Rarity!”

“Rarity?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I mean…I know she’s our friend, and I have fantasized about her every now and again, but how is she supposed to-”

Fluttershy grabbed Rainbow Dash’s head and made her turn around.

Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped.

Rarity smiled down at her. Two transparent, shimmering butterfly wings were on her back and were fluttering in the breeze. “Cat got your tongue, dear?” she asked. She flew closer to the two pegasus ponies. “Don’t they look lovely? Twilight made them for me! Now we can come and cheer for you!”

“We?” questioned Fluttershy.

As if on cue, a hot air balloon burst through the clouds. In the basket underneath it, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight were smiling at Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

“Whoa!” said Rainbow Dash, her earlier panic forgotten. “Where’d you get a balloon?”

“I know a guy,” said Twilight smugly.

“Really?” asked Rainbow, her eyebrow raised.

Twilight sighed. “Ok…Spike knows a guy.”

Fluttershy looked at the basket. “Where is Spike anyway?”

Back in Ponyville:

Spike grabbed one of the toothpicks in his face with the tweezers. He pulled it out, hissing as he did so. He dropped the toothpick in the bathroom sink, where it joined dozens of others.

“134…” counted Spike as he grabbed another toothpick with the tweezers.

Back in Cloudsdale:

Pinkie, Applejack, and Twilight hopped out of the basket and landed on the cloud.

Rainbow Dash looked at them, confused. “Wait, you three don’t have wings. How are you able to walk on the cloud?”

Twilight smiled proudly. “That spell on Rarity takes a lot of energy, so I found another spell that lets us walk on clouds.”

“Oh!” said Fluttershy. “And you cast it on Applejack, Pinkie, and yourself?”

“Actually,” began Twilight, “I only cast it on me and Applejack. I don’t know how Pinkie is walking on clouds.”

Everyone turned to look at Pinkie, who smiled and said, “I’m full of helium!”

“Wait,” said Rainbow, “That doesn’t make any-”

Twilight quickly put her hoof over Rainbow’s mouth. “For the love of God,” she hissed, “Don’t question it!” She cast a fearful gaze up at the sky. “There’s no anvils falling, are there?”

Rainbow grabbed Twilight’s hoof and lowered it. “Well, I’m glad you guys are here.”

“Feelin’ nervous?” guessed Applejack.

Rainbow sputtered. “N-No! I-I was just thinking it would be nice for you guys to see how awesome I am when I do the Sonic Rainboom, that’s all.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Yeah, you definitely weren’t freaking out or anything.”

“SO!” yelled Rainbow, blushing slightly. “How about Fluttershy and I show you around Cloudsdale?”

“What was that about you freaking out?” asked Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash went behind her and pushed her forward. “What’s that, Pinkie?” she asked loudly. “I can’t hear you! We’ve got a lot of Cloudsdale to see!”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and smiled. She gestured to the others to follow her as she walked after Rainbow.

As they walked, the six ponies found themselves entering the main part of Cloudsdale. Buildings made out of cloud were all around them, each elaborately decorated and fancy looking.

“Yeah,” chuckled Rainbow as she looked at the other’s shocked expressions. “It’s easy to get a fancy house when you can just make it out of a cloud. That’s why I live in a mansion.”

Rarity flew above them, giggling as she soared through the air. “I must say Rainbow Dash,” she called, “I see why you like flying so much! It’s exhilarating!” She passed by a mirror and posed in front of it. “Not to mention I look damn good while doing it.”

“Um…ok?” said Rainbow Dash. She looked over at Applejack and whispered, “I'm not that obnoxious when I fly, am I?”

Applejack frowned at her. “You did use your wings to win a tug-of-war game.”

Rainbow Dash sighed, “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Probably not,” answered Applejack.

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Let’s just continue with the tour, huh?” She led the others further into the city. “Some of the greatest pegasi in history came from Cloudsdale!”

“I know!” said Twilight. “We had a whole class on the history of Cloudsdale back when I was learning under Celestia.”

Rainbow Dash turned to her. “Ok, two things. One, I love the thought of you learning under Celestia,” she smirked at Twilight’s blush, “And two, you don’t need a test to teach you who’s great and who’s not.”

“Really?” asked Twilight. “So if you had to take a test, you could pass it no problem?”

“With flying colors!” said Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie burst out laughing.

“Speaking of flying!” said Rarity. She fluttered her wings and followed the others. “Wait for me!”

As Rarity flew back to the others, three construction workers stopped working to look at her.

“Hey gorgeous!” called one. “Get those sexy wings over here and see what a real stallion’s like!”

Rarity smiled at him and batted her eyelashes. “Sure,” she said, “Just let me know when you find one, ok boys?”

The stallion’s jaw dropped.

“Ooh!” said his coworkers.

“Gonna need some water for that burn!” said one.

“...Shut the fuck up Bill,” said the construction worker.

Rarity smirked and started doing loops and spins in the air.

“Careful with those, Rarity!” called Twilight. “They’re fragile. They’re meant to let you get up to Cloudsdale, not help you show off.”

“Oh, Twilight,” said Rarity, “Loosen up a little. It’s not like I’m going to be entering the competition with Rainbow or anything. I’m just having fun.”

Seeing Twilight frown at Rarity, Applejack cleared her throat and said, “Maybe we should go see where the weather’s made. It could be…educational?”

Twilight gasped. “Educational!” She bounced up and down. “We have to go, we have to go, we have to go!”

“Ok, ok,” said Rainbow Dash. “We’ll go to the Weather Factory. It’s close to where the competition will be anyway.” She stated walking and the others followed her.

They walked for a long time, filling the silence with idle chatter.

“Hey,” said Applejack, “How will we know when we’re gettin' close to-”

A loud clap of thunder made everyone aside from Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash jump.

Rainbow turned to smirk at Applejack, who was shaking slightly. “Does that answer your question?”

As they walked down the road, the Weather Factory came into view. The cloud building had dark storm clouds surrounding it and rainbows poured out of the building like waterfalls. Rainbow Dash led them to the entryway.

“Ok,” said Fluttershy, “Before we go inside we need to put on some protection.” She spotted Rainbow opening her mouth. “Not that type of protection, Rainbow.”

“Buzzkill,” muttered Rainbow Dash. She groaned, “Do we really have to put lab coats and shit on? Nothing’s going to happen.”

There was a scream and a pegasus was launched out of one of the windows.

Fluttershy turned to Rainbow, who sighed. “Yeah, ok. I’ll put it on.”

The ponies pulled on lab coats and put on hard hats. Twilight paused and looked at herself in a nearby mirror. “Something about a lab coat just feels right, you know?” She turned to the others. “What do you girls think?”

“I think you’d look better with some glasses too,” said Rarity.

Twilight laughed. “My eyes aren’t that bad.” She paused and looked her reflection again. “Then again…”

Once fully dressed, Rainbow led the ponies into the building. The temperature dropped as they walked inside and the ponies saw icicles hanging from the ceiling. “Here’s where they make the snowflakes,” she whispered. She pointed to a mare who was using a magnifying glass to look at a snowflake. “Each one is hoofmade and unique. It takes hours to do.”

“Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot,” said the mare as she made a note on her checklist. “But The Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did-”

“Hi!” said Pinkie, slamming her hooves down on the snowflake. “I’m Pinkie! What are you doing?” She paused. “Did you just hear thousands of tiny voices screaming?”

The mare looked horrified as she looked at the broken remains of the snowflake. “Oh God, why?”

“Moving on!” said Rainbow Dash quickly. She grabbed Pinkie and flew to the next room. The others hurried after her, leaving the sobbing mare alone.

The room they ran into had a rainbow coming in through the ceiling. It poured into the room, turning into liquid that filled various pools around the room. Pegasi were all around the pools, stirring them.

“Here’s my favorite room!” said Rainbow Dash. “Where they make the rainbows!”

“Wow,” said Twilight, looking around the room. Her eyes rested on a sign that was next to the door. “Please do not swim in the rainbow pools,” she read, “Doing so can cause mutations that can carry over to your foals.”

“Who would be dumb enough to do somethin’ like that?” asked Applejack.

“I don’t know,” said Twilight, “But if they went to the trouble having to put a sign, then someone must have done it.”

Years Ago:

“Hey Blaze,” said a stallion, “How’s life with that new wife of yours?”

Blaze, who was a pegasus with blue-fur and a white mane, grinned. “We’re doing good. She’s starting to talk about wanting a kid. And you know what that means!”

“Um…no?” said the other stallion.

“It means I’m going to get laid over and over again!” laughed Blaze.

The other stallion laughed. “If you do have a kid, I’m leaving Cloudsdale. I can’t handle two ponies that act like you.” He headed for the door. “I’m off man! You gonna be good being all alone?”

“Yeah,” said Blaze. He gestured to one of the rainbow pools. “I just gotta stir this bitch and then I’m done.” He waved goodbye as the other stallion left the room.

Soon, Blaze yawned. “Man,” he said to himself. “I wish I was home. Our pool’s finally ready and I wanted to test it out.” Blaze looked around. The room was completely empty save for him. “I wonder…” he said. He looked down at the rainbow pool. “Fuck it!” he said with a shrug. He dove into the pool and swam to the bottom.

He came back up for air and said, “This is awesome!” He spent a few minutes swimming around in the liquid rainbow.

“Alright,” he said, “Better get out before the boss comes by.” He climbed out of the pool and shook himself off. Blaze’s eyes went to a mirror that was by the door. “Better make sure I don’t have any rainbow on me.”

He walked over to the mirror and looked at himself. His jaw dropped. His once-white mane was now rainbow-colored.

“Huh…” he said. “…Wonder if this is the reason we’re not supposed to swim in the rainbow pools.”

Back in the present:

“Pinkie!” yelled Rainbow Dash, her multi-colored mane swishing as she turned to her friend. “No dipping in the pools!”

Pinkie pulled her hoof out of the pool and said, “Please Dashie, what’s the worst that could happen?” She looked at her hoof, which was covered in liquid rainbow. “Hmm…I wonder…” She stuck her hoof in her mouth. When she pulled it out, the liquid was completely gone. “Not bad,” Pinkie said, licking her lips.

“…Did you really just eat that?” asked Rainbow.

“Yeah,” said Pinkie. She sighed and wiped her brow, which had gotten sweaty, “Why?”

“3…2…1…” counted Fluttershy and Rainbow in unison.

Pinkie’s head promptly burst into flames.

“Yeah…” said Rainbow Dash. “That’s why we don’t drink the rainbows.”

“Really?” asked Pinkie, her face covered in soot. “Why?”

“Never mind,” said Rainbow. She looked around. “Hey, has anyone seen Rarity?”

“Whoa!” said a voice. “Where did you get those amazing wings!?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” said Rainbow Dash. She turned and saw Rarity flying in the air, Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score following her. She stomped over to them.

“I want a pair!” said Dumbbell.

“Yeah, I can see you need a pair,” said Rainbow, glaring at him.

“…You’re not talking about wings, are you?” asked Dumbbell.

“Nope,” answered Rainbow.

“Whatever, Rainbow Crash,” said the stallion. “We weren’t talking to you anyway.”

“I’m so hurt by that,” said Rainbow sarcastically. She looked up at Rarity. “Come on Rarity, let’s go.”

“Don’t be so rude, Rainbow,” said Rarity. “These boys were just admiring my wings.”

“Maybe you should get wings like those, Rainbow Crash,” said Hoops. “They might help you not make an ass of yourself at the competition!” The three stallions took off laughing.

“Fuckers,” said Rainbow, her eyes downcast.

“Don’t pay attention to them,” said Fluttershy. “With the Sonic Rainboom, you’ll win for sure!”

“But what if I can’t do the Sonic Rainboom?” asked Rainbow. She sighed. “Come on, let’s…let’s just get this fucking tour over with…”

Rainbow solemnly walked away, Rarity flying after her. Fluttershy, Applejack, and Twilight all looked at each other before catching up to them. Meanwhile, Pinkie dipped her hoof into the rainbow pool again. She licked her hoof, causing her mane to burst into flames. “It’s really an acquired taste,” she said. Sucking on her hoof, she ran after the others.

The next room had large vents that steam was pouring out of. Pegasi would carry buckets of water over to the vents and pour them in, causing an eruption of steam.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “This is where we make the-”

Ponies rushed past her, each of them oohing and ahhing. They flocked to Rarity, who was proudly fluttering her wings.

“Clouds…” growled Rainbow, a vein appearing on her forehead.

Twilight saw Rainbow’s eye twitch. She slowly made her way to Rarity and whispered, “Hey. We’re here for Rainbow Dash, remember? Put away your wings and-”

“Put away my wings?” gasped Rarity. “Never! Look how happy it makes everyone!” She pointed to the ponies around her, who were taking pictures of her wings. “Besides, how can I put something away that I was born with?”

“You weren’t born with ‘em!” hissed Applejack. “Ya have those wings because of Twilight!”

“Details!” said Rarity. She launched herself into the sky and hovered in front of the sun, making her wings shimmer down on everyone else.

“Um…Rainbow?” questioned Twilight. The blue pegasus turned towards her, her eye twitching wildly. “Are you…ok?”

“Oh sure,” said Rainbow. “Everyone’s in love with Rarity and her pretty wings! Now they won’t watch me eat shit during the Best Young Flier’s competition.” She sighed and relaxed. “Well…at least I know Rarity won’t…”

“You should enter the Best Young Flier’s competition!” said somebody in the crowd.

The crowd cheered and chanted, “Enter! Enter! Enter!”

Rarity laughed and said, “For you, my public, I will not just enter the competition! I’m going to win the competition!”

The crowd went nuts with their cheers.

Rainbow Dash stared at Rarity in shock.

Pinkie Pie, her mane completely burned away, walked over to Rainbow. “What did I miss?” she asked, still licking her hoof.

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