• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Twilight Sparkle vs The Moon

The six ponies entered the ruined castle and looked around. The castle was...desolate. It was...empty. IT...WAS...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Where's all the booze?"

"Sugarcube...we're looking for the Elements." pointed out Applejack.

"Potato, potahto." said Pinkie dismissively.

"My God, what an eyesore!" said Rarity. She was pointed to a stone statue in the center of the room. The statue had five stone orbs resting on pedestals. "I can understand why the Princess doesn't want to live here anymore with decorations this ugly."

"Rarity focus!" said Twilight. "We need...to find...the...Elements?" said Twilight as she stared at the orbs. "The Elements! We've found them!"

Rainbow Dash stared at them. "They're rocks."

"No." said Twilight. "They're the Elements of Harmony."

"Uh...darling? I've seen rocks before and these are definitely rocks." said Rarity.

"No! They're the Elements!" yelled Twilight.

Fluttershy flew up and grabbed an orb. Testing its weight, she put it down and said, "Yeah, they're rocks."

"...Just bring the stupid things down to the floor." muttered Twilight.

Rainbow and Fluttershy grabbed the five orbs and set them down on the floor.

"Wait...there's only five?" asked Pinkie. "What a rip-off!"

"Yeah," agreed Rainbow Dash, "Where's the sixth one?"

Twilight knelt down and said, "The book said that when the five Elements were brought together, a spark would cause the sixth one to be revealed."

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Applejack. "Are we supposed ta make a fire or somethin'?"

"I'M ON IT!" yelled Fluttershy as she whipped out a tank of gasoline and a book of matches.

"Wait!" yelled Twilight. "Let me try something!" She put her head closer to the Elements. "I don't really know what will happen, so you guys better stay back." She started to charge her magic through her horn and tried to channel it to the Elements. She started gasping and moaning at the effort it took.

When Twilight let out a particularly long moan, Rainbow looked at the others and said, "I feel kinda weird watching this."

"I do as well." said Rarity.

"Should we give her some privacy?" asked Fluttershy.

"Come on, ya'll." said Applejack. "She's just usin' her magic. Don't make this weird for every-"

"OH SWEET CELESTIA, YES!" screamed Twilight in bliss.

"...Nevermind. Let's give her some privacy." said Applejack. She led the others out the door, leaving Twilight alone with the Elements.

A blue trail of magical smoke shot out of a dark corner and started to circle the Elements. As it enveloped the Elements in a cyclone of magic, Twilight opened her eyes and saw what was happening. She screamed in fear.

Outside, the other ponies heard Twilight's scream. "Wow." said Rainbow Dash. "I didn't know that magic could be that...satisfying."

"Oh, you don't know what you're missing darling. Magic can do such wonderful things." said a knowledgeable Rarity. "Why, I remember last Saturday night-"

"HELP ME, YOU IDIOTS!" yelled Twilight from inside the ruins. "IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON!"

"Oh!" said the others in realization. They ran back inside the castle.

Twilight stared in horror as the Elements were swept into the blue tornado. "No! The Elements!" she yelled. She then glared at the tornado and yelled, "NOT ON MY WATCH, BITCH!"

The others watched as Twilight jumped into the tornado, which disappeared along with the Elements and Twilight.

"Shit." said Pinkie. She and the others began to search around the room for any sign of the purple-haired friend.

"TWILIGHT-DOO!" yelled Applejack. "WHERE ARE YOU!?"

"Look!" said Rarity. She was at one of the windows and was looking at a nearby tower. Flashing lights could be seen through the towers windows and doors.

"A rave!" said Pinkie happily. "Maybe the ponies there have seen Twilight!"

"That's gotta be where she is!" said Applejack, ignoring Pinkie. "Come on!" The five ponies ran out of the room and headed towards the tower.

Meanwhile, inside the tower

Twilight crashed to the floor in a puff of smoke. She started to cough loudly. "I knew all of that smoking would come back to haunt me..." she choked out. She looked up and gasped.

Nightmare Moon was standing by the window and the Elements were floating beside her. She started laughing evilly.

Twilight glared at Nightmare Moon and prepared to run at her.

"Are you serious right now?" asked Nightmare Moon.

Twilight charged towards her and her horn started to glow with magic.

"Fine. Whatevs." said Nightmare Moon. "I'll play along. God knows I haven't done anything like this since that Jenkins fellow tried the same thing a thousand years ago." She ran at Twilight and prepared to impale her on her horn.

Rather than allow Twilight to get skewered, Twilight's horn let out a burst of magic and she teleported to the Elements.

Twilight looked around in confusion and said groggily, "That's new..." She shook her head and looked at the Elements. "Just one spark..." she put her head down and started charging her magic. The Elements began to glow.

"Yeah, no." said Nightmare Moon as she turned into smoke and appeared in front of Twilight. She watched as the Elements zapped Twilight with her own magic and sent her flying across the room. Nightmare Moon looked down at the sparking Elements and said, "No!"

Almost as if they were taking orders from the evil Alicorn, the Elements returned to their normal non-sparking state.

"What?!" said Twilight as she got up from the floor. "Where's the sixth Element?"

Nightmare Moon laughed maniacally and stomped the floor. Twilight could only watch in horror as the five Elements shattered into pieces.

"So, did you really think you could stop me?" asked Nightmare Moon. "Because I thought you were just trying to be funny. I mean, you, a fucking librarian, stopping me, an immortal princess of the night? It's just too funny for words. Unless, of course, you were actually serious." She paused and looked at Twilight's shocked expression. "Oh my god! You were, weren't you?" She started laughing again. "I can't decide whether that's extremely hilarious or extremely insulting." She lifted Twilight with her magic and threw her across the room. "You know what?" she asked as she started walking towards Twilight. "Let's just stick with insulted, shall we?" Her horn started to glow. "It's going to make slowly killing you much more satisfying."

"TWILIGHT!" screamed several voices.

Twilight turned her head towards the stairs, where she saw the shadows of the others. Suddenly, a crazy idea popped into her head. She turned towards Nightmare Moon and smirked. "You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony that easily?"

"Uh, duh." said Nightmare Moon. "I just did."

"Well, you're wrong!" said Twilight as Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stood by her. "Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!"

"SAY WHAT?!" yelled Nightmare Moon.

"Applejack, who convinced me that I'd live after falling off a cliff represents HONESTY!" Some of the shattered pieces of the Elements began to circle around Applejack. "Fluttershy, who pulled a thorn out of the paw of a wuss manticore, represents KINDNESS!" Pieces of the Elements circled Fluttershy. "Pinkie Pie, who taught us that we were idiots for being scared of trees, represents LAUGHTER!" Shattered pieces circled Pinkie. "Rarity, who helped a sea serpent with his stupid mustache problems, represents GENEROSITY!" Blah blah pieces blah blah Rarity. "And Rainbow Dash, who told the Wonderbolts where to stuff it, represents LOYALTY!"

"THOSE WERE THE WONDERBOLTS?!" screamed Rainbow Dash as the last of the Element pieces started to circle her.

"We made it through every challenge you threw at us!" said a smug Twilight to Nightmare Moon.

"Well, congratulations." said Nightmare Moon sarcastically. "But you still don't have the sixth element! Your spark didn't work."

"Have you even been paying attention?" asked Twilight. "The spark isn't magic! It's friendship! And for some reason, I consider these bunch of psychopaths to be my friends!"

"Meaning?" asked Nightmare Moon.

"You're screwed, bitch." said Twilight. There was a bright flash of light and a sixth stone orb appeared out of nowhere. It hovered above Twilight. "When the five Elements react to the spark of friendship, the sixth Element appears! The Element of...of..." Twilight paused for a moment. "What the hell is the sixth Element? The book didn't say..."

"MAGIC!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"Oh! I thought it was FRIENDSHIP..." said Twilight. "Anyway, the sixth Element is MAGIC!"

There was a bright flash of light. The pieces floating around Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity became necklaces, while the stone orb floating above Twilight became a tiara. A rainbow colored beam of magic shot out of the jewelry and hit Nightmare Moon.

"Aw crap..." said Nightmare Moon as she was enveloped by the multicolored magic.

There was another bright flash of light and the six ponies collapsed.

"Ow...what happened?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Ah feel like Ah drank too much cider..." said Applejack as she rubbed her head. "Everypony okay?"

"Well, I'm not okay!" said Rarity. "I'm gorgeous!" She looked back at her tail, which had grown back to its original length.

"And we have bling now!" said Pinkie as she looked down at her necklace. The others looked down at their own necklaces (or up at her tiara/crown thing in Twilight's case), which had pendants shaped like their Cutie Marks.

"Ah thought you were just spoutin' a load of bullshit, Twilight," said Applejack, "But ah guess we really do represent the Elements of Harmony."

"Actually, I was just spouting a load of bullshit." said Twilight. "But it's nice to know that I was right."

"Indeed, you were." said a voice. Outside, the sun started to rise and Princess Celestia appeared in front of the ponies.

As the others bowed to the Princess, Twilight ran up to her and said "Princess Celestia! You're okay!"

"Yeah I am!" said the Princess. "Good work, Twilight! I knew you could do it!"

"Whoa, whoa. Hold up." said Twilight. "You knew that this would happen?"

"Uh, duh!" said Celestia. "Of course I knew. I'm motherfuckin' Princess Celestia, how could I not know?"

"You knew that Nightmare Moon would return?"

"Sure did." said the Princess.

"You knew that she'd take her revenge and put you on the moon?" asked Twilight.

"Well..." faltered the Princess. "That was more of an unforeseen consequence...but yeah, I did see the rest of this coming."

"You told me that Nightmare Moon was just an old legend!" said Twilight.

"Uh, no. I told you to get off your butt and go make some friends." said Celestia. "Jesus Twilight, I thought you were introverted, not illiterate. Maybe I should send you back to Magic Kindergarten..." She sighed and continued, "Anyway, I knew you could kick Nightmare Moon's tuchus all along, you just needed some friends to back you up. Or to sacrifice while you saved yourself, whatever worked for you." Celestia looked to the front of the room. "Speaking of..."

She walked over to where Nightmare Moon was hit by the Elements. In her place was a small blue Alicorn with a moon for a Cutie Mark. "Princess Luna."

Luna opened her eyes and gasped.

"So...how've you been?" asked Celestia.

"...I get possessed by dark magic, go on a rampage, sent to the moon for a thousand years, and the first thing you ask me is 'How have you been'?" asked Luna.

"...Yes?" answered Celestia.

"Oh. Well, I've been better. How are you?" asked Luna.

"Oh I'm fine." said Celestia. "You know, just raising the sun and moon for a thousand years, got a new student, drew some dicks on Discord's statue every once in a while. You know, the usual."

"Ah." said Luna. "Hey, am I in trouble?"

Celestia waved her hoof dismissively. "Nah. Let's just go home."

Luna got up and popped her back. "Well, it beats hanging around here. I forgot how ugly the decorations here are."

"I know, right?" said Celestia. She looked at Luna for a moment. "Hey...come here for a sec."

"Hmm?" said Luna. "What's the matter?" She walked towards Celestia.

Princess Celestia grabbed her sister and pulled her into a hug. "I'm glad you're back, little sister."

Luna hugged Celestia back and said, "It's good too be back." She paused and asked, "So...how's work on Hoof-Life 3 coming along?"

"Uh..." faltered Celestia.

Luna sighed and said, "They haven't even came out with Hoof-Life 2: Episode Three, have they?"

"Nope." said Celestia.

"Goddammit." muttered Luna.

"Hey!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"What is it?" asked Celestia.

"PARTY!" screamed Pinkie.

"PARTY!" agreed Celestia.

A couple of hours later...

The party was in full swing. Confetti rained down from the sky as the two Princesses arrived in a chariot pulled by the Royal Guards.

"WE'RE BACK, BITCHES!" yelled the Gung-Ho Guard.

"Whoo-hoo." said the Depressed Guard.

"Twilight!" yelled Spike as he rushed out of the crowd to hug her. "You're back!"

"Spike!" said Twilight as she hugged him back. "...Did you clean up the mess in the library."

"As far as you know!" said Spike happily.

"Good...good..." said Twilight distractedly. She hung her head in sadness.

"Hey," said Princess Celestia as she walked towards Twilight, "What's up? You just saved Equestria. You should be enjoying the party with your friends."

"But that's just it!" said Twilight. "Now I'll have to go back to Canterlot and never ever see them again. Ever."

"Spike! Take a note!" said Celestia.

"Do you ponies think I carry a paper and and quill wherever I go?" asked Spike.

"Spike..." said Celestia.

"I mean, I do." said Spike as he whipped out a paper and quill. "It's just ridiculous that everyone assumes I do..."

"Spike, just shut up and write this down." ordered Celestia. "'I, Princess Celestia, decree that Twilight Sparkle shall stay in Ponyville and learn about friendship'."

"Got it!" said Spike as he finished writing.

"Crap." muttered Twilight.

"You secretly wanted to go back to Canterlot, didn't you?" asked Celestia with a grin on her face.

"A little." said Twilight.

"Too bad." said Celestia. "Now, let's party!"

"That's my line!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

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