• Published 20th Aug 2012
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MLP: FML - Maniac92



An insane parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

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Welcome to Appaloosa

The sun rose as the train continued down the tracks. The stallions pulling the locomotive yawned.

“Look alive, boys!” yelled the leader. “We can rest once we hit Appaloosa!” He paused as he heard snoring. “Clyde! Get your big ass up!”

The large brown stallion jerked awake, causing the train to shake a bit. “What happened?!” he said.

“Goddamn it, Clyde!” yelled the leader. “You’ve shook the whole train! You better hope no one noticed that!”

Meanwhile:

Applejack groaned as she rubbed her head. “How the hell did Ah wind up on the floor?” she asked herself. She grimaced and hissed in pain. “And why the hell did Ah drink so much last night?” She got up and cracked her back as she turned back towards the bed. She smiled as she saw Bloomberg’s prone form on the mattress. “Mama’s little angel,” she muttered. She turned and walked out of the car, failing to notice a purple hand clawing at Bloomberg’s trunk and the muffled screams coming from underneath the tree.

Applejack stepped into the car with the others and hollered, “Mornin’ ya’ll!”

The other ponies jumped, screamed, rolled out of bed, smacked their head on the underside of the bunk above them, and gently opened their eyes.

“Applejack!” said Rarity, struggling to get out of her tangled blankets. “Why?!”

“That was scary,” muttered Fluttershy as she rubbed her sore throat.

Rainbow Dash pulled her face off the floor and glared at the earth pony. “Why did you wake us up this early?!”

Twilight groaned as she rubbed her sore head.

Pinkie smiled at Applejack and casually got out of bed. “Morning, Jacky!” she greeted.

“Mornin’!” replied Applejack. She looked at Rainbow. “What are you complain’ for? This is late compared to when we wake up on the farm.”

“It’s six in the morning!” complained Twilight.

“Already?” asked Applejack. “Damn, Ah must’ve overslept.”

“Good for you,” yawned Rainbow, climbing back into her bed. “But us normal ponies are going back to bed.” She crawled under her covers.

Something hit the train, causing it to jerk to one side. Rainbow Dash tumbled out of her bed and hit the floor again.

“I hate my life,” she muttered as she picked herself up.

Twilight ran over to the window to see what was happening. She gasped and said, “Girls, come look!”

The other ponies ran forward and stared at what was happening outside. A herd of buffalo were charging next to the train and running into it.

“What the hell are they doin’?” asked Applejack.

Meanwhile:

“What the hell are you doin’?” yelled the stallions’ leader as he was pushed.

“We need you to stop this train,” growled the buffalo next to him, slamming into him again.

“What you need is to kiss mah ass!” yelled the leader, pushing the buffalo back. He turned to the other stallions and yelled, “Double time, boys! We need to move!”

“Just my luuuuUUUCK!” yelled Clyde as he was pulled forward by the others.

Meanwhile, inside the train:

“What they doing now?” asked Twilight. The group watched as two buffalos stacked up. A female buffalo ran forward and jumped onto the back of the stacked buffalo and quickly jumped on top of the train.

“What is she doing?” asked Rarity as they heard the cow move down the train.

“I don’t know,” said Rainbow, flaring her wings, “But these fucks messed up my morning. I’m gonna go mess up their life.” And with that, she opened the window and flew outside.

Rainbow flew high up into the air and looked down at the train. The female buffalo was making her way to the caboose. Growling, Rainbow dove and landed in front of her.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she yelled.

The charging cow narrowed her eyes and picked up speed. Rainbow swore and quickly flew up to avoid being run down. The buffalo ran past her.

“You know,” said Rainbow, flying up beside her, “You’re pretty quick for a fat broad.”

The buffalo growled and kept running, but Rainbow Dash kept following her.

“This is a train, you know,” yelled Rainbow, closing in on the buffalo. “If you want to ride, you’re going to need a ticket!” She dove at the buffalo and knocked her on her back. Rainbow panted as she stood over the fallen cow. “Got you now!”

The buffalo smirked and said, “You’re pretty quick for someone not aware of their surroundings. Look behind you.”

“The fuck does that mean?” asked Rainbow, looking behind her.

A low hanging sign with the words Welcome to Appaloosa was coming towards Rainbow very quickly. Rainbow cried out as the sign hit her in the face, knocking her off the buffalo and off the train.

The cow quickly got up and made her way to the back of the train. She unhooked the caboose from the rest of the train and watched as it grew farther away. She then put her hoof to her mouth and whistled. The other buffalos circled back to grab the caboose and carried it back the opposite way.

The rest of the ponies ran to the back of the train and watched the caboose disappear.

“They’ve got Bloomberg!” yelled Applejack.

“And Spike!” yelled Twilight.

“Spike?” said Applejack, looking at Twilight. “What do you mean, ‘Spike’?”

“Spike went to Bloomberg’s car last night,” explained Fluttershy. “We didn’t see him with you this morning, so he’s probably still in there.”

“Wait…Spike was sleeping in Bloomberg’s bed?” asked Applejack. “But…that would mean…” She trailed off, a blush appearing on her face.

“Are you ok?” asked Pinkie. “Your face got all red.”

“Ah am never drinkin’ again,” muttered Applejack. She shook her head and said, “We gotta get them back!”

“How?” asked Rarity. “Rainbow Dash is missing too. We can’t fly after them.”

“I could fly after them,” said Fluttershy.

“Do you really want to track them down and fight them all off to rescue Spike?” asked Twilight.

“…Maybe we better wait for Rainbow Dash,” decided Fluttershy.

“Yeah, but it could take a while for her to catch back up,” said Applejack. “Besides, if Ah know Rainbow, she ain’t gonna just sit back and let them go. She’ll follow them.”

“So what do we do?” asked Twilight.

“We need to reach Appaloosa,” said Applejack. “We can get help from the ponies there.” She looked down the track. “Ah just hope Rainbow doesn’t do anything too crazy.”

Meanwhile:

Rainbow groaned as she got back up, rubbing her sore head. “Fuck…” she muttered. She looked up to see the buffalo escaping further down the track. “You’re not getting away…” She spread her wings and attempted to fly, only to get dizzy and fall to the ground. “Shit…” she muttered. She tried taking off again, only slower. Shaking her head, Rainbow slowly flew down the track, keeping an eye on the shrinking train car.

Minutes later:

The train pulled into Appaloosa and came to screeching halt. The five remaining ponies ran off the train.

“Ok girls,” said Applejack, running forward, “The first thing we need to do is find mah cousin, Braebu-” She grunted as she ran into someone.

“Well hey there, cousin Applejack!” said the stallion. He had yellow fur, a dirty-blond mane, and was wearing a brown cowboy hat and a brown vest. “God, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you. How are ya?”

“I’m fine, Braeburn,” said Applejack. “But-”

“And Big Mac? He’s good?” asked Braeburn.

“He’s fine, just-”

“Little Apple Bloom?”

“She’s doing alright-”

“Granny?”

“Yes,” said Applejack, “Granny’s ok, Braeburn. We’re all ok. But Ah-”

“Mah god,” said Braeburn, walking over to the others. “Ah didn’t know you were bringing all your friends with you!” He tipped his hat. “Ah’m Braeburn. Welcome to Appaloosa!”

“Mr. Braeburn,” said Twilight, stepping forward. “We need-”

“Well, you must be Twilight Sparkle!” said Braeburn. “Applejack mentioned that you had a take-charge attitude. Ah respect that.”

“W-well…thank you,” faltered Twilight. “But-”

“AJ mentioned how smart you are too!” continued the stallion. “So you got it all! Drive, smarts, looks…the stallions must be trippin’ over themselves to talk to you.”

Twilight blushed. “I…I wouldn’t say tripping…”

“And you must be Miss Fluttershy!” said Braeburn, continuing on to Fluttershy. “Ah recognize ya from all them fancy fashion magazines. They don’t do ya justice. You’re much prettier in real life.”

Fluttershy’s face was tinted pink as she let out a small squeak.

“And of course, Ah hear you got that job because of Miss Rarity!” said Braeburn, walking over to Rarity. “Wow…you must really be generous to give your friend a job with the most famous fashion photographer in Equestria. Ah bet you helped with her looks too. It would be easy for a beautiful mare like you.”

“Well…” laughed Rarity, as she batted her eyelashes, “A lady must look out for those closest to her after all.”

“And-” began Braeburn. He was cut off when Pinkie gave him a huge hug.

“You’re Applejack’s cousin? Oh my god, you’re waaaaay too pretty to be a boy!” said Pinkie.

“Thanks, I’ve been told that before,” said Braeburn once Pinkie released him. “And you look like you could be a showgirl at a saloon.”

“Really?!” said Pinkie excitedly.

“Of course!” replied Braeburn. “You’re cute, fun, and look like you know how to have a good time.”

“I know!” said Pinkie. She smiled and rubbed Braeburn’s chest. “How about we go somewhere private and I show you just how good a time I can throw?”

“Ok, that's enough!” yelled Applejack, pushing the two apart. “Braeburn, we need you to bring us to the sheriff’s office, right now!”

“Really?” asked Braeburn. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the saloon? Or the apple orchard?”

“You can take us anywhere,” said Rarity lustfully.

“Anywhere you want…” agreed Twilight.

“No!” said Applejack. “Those buffalo took the tree we brought for your orchard and our friend too!”

Braeburn sighed, “Ah was afraid this would happen. Those buffalo don’t want us settler ponies planting any new trees for our orchard.”

“Do you know where we can find those buffalo?” asked Twilight.

Braeburn pointed out to the desert. “They live a few miles away from town. We tried talking to them before, but they just don’t want to listen.”

“That must be where they have Spike,” said Rarity.

“And where Rainbow Dash must’ve have followed them to,” added Applejack. She sighed. “We’re gonna have to go out and get them back.” She paused and looked around. “…Where’d Pinkie get to?”

“Why do mah lips taste like frosting?” asked Braeburn, who had pink lipstick on his face and a note on his chest.

Applejack grabbed the note and began reading:

Dear girls,

That’s silly. You’re ponies. Not deer. Anyway, I went to go help Rainbow get Spike back! Just wait until we get back!

P.S. Braeburn’s lips are suuuper soft! Like pillows! Sweet…sweet pillows…

XOXO,
Pinkie!

“That crazy mare has gone after Rainbow!” said Applejack when she was done reading.

“Should we go after her?” asked Fluttershy.

Applejack frowned. “…No,” she said after a long pause. “Pinkie’s usually right about stuff. We’ll give her a chance to get Rainbow Dash and Spike back.”

“You…you are aware you’re counting on Pinkie, right dear?” asked Rarity.

“Ah know,” said Applejack. “It’s fuckin’ terrifying.” She walked away with Braeburn as the stallion wiped the lipstick off his face.

The three other ponies watched them leave.

“We are definitely keeping Braeburn away from Rainbow Dash when she gets back,” said Twilight. “At least until after we’ve all had a turn with him.”

“Yeah,” agreed Fluttershy.

“Oh yeah,” agreed Rarity.

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