• Member Since 23rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen November 2nd

The Albinocorn


Super smug spectacular star student: Sunset Shimmer.


T
Source

All know the story of the pirate ship, the Crimson Heart and her cursed captain, a monster forced to haunt the seven seas until the end of time. All know to steer clear of the blood red sails, lest they run into hell itself.

Few know of Neptune's Blessing, a magical item that can grant whoever holds it anything their heart desires.

Twilight Sparkle knows both tales are not fiction. Though the last place she thought she'd ever be is on the Crimson Heart looking for Neptune's Throne where the wish awaits.

Sunset Shimmer lives a nightmare every day. She's ready to shed her monstrous form, and Twilight is going to help her one way or another.

But they aren't the only ones after Neptune's Blessing. The high-speed race across the seas begins as every flag seeks to claim the wish for themselves, and be crowned King of the Seas.

Pre-read by first mate, DrakeyC!

Cover art created by the super talented iojknmiojknm!

Now featured on Equestria Daily

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 292 )

Hm.... not bad.... still kinda sad it's not Space Pirates.

Okay, I can tell that this'll be like One Piece. I'm definitely Favoriting and liking this.

Oooh, finally! I know what I'm reading tonight/tomorrow morning! :pinkiehappy:

hmmm. i love the ship (lol) but im not really into adventure on the high seas.

This is going to be fun.

Very nice start, getting us into Twilight's past, motives, and obstacles in a single chapter. I have a feeling what hand may have grabbed onto her before the time skip, heh heh. The story behind Sunset Shimmer and the Crimson Heart was well done and really showed the prices of what seems good and what that does to a person.

Set sail, me hearties!

Sobs and adds it to the stack to read.

Nice! Kicking into action and already the mysteries are abounding. Definitely have to wonder on why they are looking for Twilight Velvet and how they could mistake Twilight Sparkle for her (I mean, age and all). And boy is Shining gonna be gunning for blood when he gets that letter. Maybe not letting Twilight join the navy wasn't smart after all. Would have at least put her in a place where there were more officers to back her up.

“I’m going to see if I can help with anything. The more hands they have on deck the better.”

She gon die.

“Sunset Shimmer of the Crimson Heart.

Ooh!

That, and her home was very comfortable.

I know the feel.

Set sail and let us find the One Pie... I mean, Neptune's Blessing and become King... eh... Queen of pirates!

Off to a good start with the first three chapters. I can't wait to see where they'll go from here and how Sunset and Twilight shall develop. The ship was described very nicely and the crew definitely seems like pirates. It's great for another Sunset Shimmer story at last!

Twilight knew that book. It was on her personal bookshelf in her room. She had first found it on her mother’s nightstand when Twilight had miraculously come back from the storm that claimed Velvet’s life.

Is that right, well I do sure hope somebody picks up that phone. Because I f*cking called it.

“Hey, I think that’s her!” the short one yelled.
“Really?” The tall one squinted his eyes, making himself look even more dimwitted. “Yeah, she looks like the picture.”

Pintel and Ragetti?

The forest was in sight, but blocking the path were two women dressed in similar attire to Twilight’s assailants. The first had green hair with varying tones, and yellow eyes filled with excitement. The other had purple hair with raspberry streaks, and magenta eyes. She looked a little bored, but perked up when she saw Twilight running toward her.

The 'Bolts are pirates?

“Who,” it hooted.
“You.”
“Who.”
“Get help.”
“Who.”
“From anyone!”
“Who.”

To quote Eddy Izzard, "This is not a game of 'who the fuck are you?'"

A black cloak, utterly silent, drifted across the deck and stopped in front of Twilight. Their hood was up and cast a deep shadow, making it impossible to see inside. Twilight could still feel their eyes scouring over every inch of her, examining, weighing, judging. The hairs on her neck stood up, and ice dropped into her stomach. The cold was countered by a faint heat radiating from the cloaked figure.

Sunset!

infliction

InflEction.

Next time, I should just wish for a pony.

You are one in another world.

“Yes.” Twilight nodded. “It’s an old legend. ‘He who is granted Neptune’s Blessing shall have their heart’s desire granted and be crowned King of the Seas.’ It began about five-hundred years ago when people began to stop worshipping the sea gods. The believers thought it was Neptune’s last magic relic he granted humanity before he perished, or in some readings, returned to the land of the gods. Historians think it’s some kind of jewel used in worship that was lost—”

Right, I see why she wants it.

Sunset looked over her shoulder. “How do you know what I am underneath this robe?” She didn’t sound angry, more tired, and genuinely curious.

Your ship is iconic, she's smart, math done.

“Very well.” Two red hands sporting only four claws each reached out from their sleeves and lifted the hood off. Her entire face was as red as her claws, like she had been perfectly sunburnt all over. Sharp fangs protruded from her mouth, and she had long, pointed ears that looked like they had a bite taken out of them. Her hair plumed upwards, red and gold, and billowing like actual fire. Upon her head sat a gold crown with a black star as the centerpiece.

Much like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, she's monstrous outside and cold inside, needing a warm heart to thaw hers.

JMP

This is going to be awesome, I can already tell. Can't wait for more

I fell like i'm watching a one piece this is awesome keep it up:twilightsmile:

wish I could make an original story like this all of your stories are amazing can you give me some advice on how you make stories if u can i'm always struggling writting fanfiction idky i'm even trying ro
write my first oc story and eventually a sunlight story but its really hard idky :facehoof:

One of them was short and pudgy with orange hair sticking out from under his red bandanna, and a very bad overbite. The other was tall and lanky with a rather dimwitted expression.

Hi Snips; hi Snails, :derpytongue2:

:pinkiegasp: Swashbuckling high seas adventures?! :raritystarry: GIMME!

That's it... Those chapters went by to fast...:raritycry: Need more.

Once again you're off to a great start Albinocorn! I can't wait to read more!

Comment posted by Tenka deleted Aug 19th, 2016

Is it wrong of me wanting to go ahead and fave this without reading it?

This :rainbowderp:... I think I have something similar to this in my documents, well only the first part... or Sunset shimmer and her legend. it was inspired by the Blazing Heart class of Elesis from Elsword

elwiki.net/wiki/images/thumb/c/cd/BlazingHeartPortraitF3.png/500px-BlazingHeartPortraitF3.png

She looks like someone who would own a ship and become a pirate or a rebel.

Anyway, I like this :yay: I'm off to read the next chapter!

Wait, you mentioned this was going to be a sort of mix between Beauty and the Beast, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Long Road to Friendship?

I know just how to celebrate!

They really need to make a EqG version of that second one.

Hehe, Curse of the black pearl... Now all we need is Discord! as that drunk Captain. :rainbowlaugh:
You should have written the line when they were looking for Elizabeth:ajsmug: or I just plain missed it.:facehoof:

7494565 or sky pirates:pinkiehappy:, but meh its fine as it is.:moustache:

I hope stuff from treasure planet, El dorado, Altantis, and the other adventure stuff that Disney made would also be written. :rainbowdetermined2:

Having just been reading the new 2nd edition of the 7th Sea, I already had swashbuckling adventure on the brain. This?

PUT IT IN MY EYES.

I can't wait for more. :pinkiehappy:

7495571 Dude, what if there is another ship looking for the same treasure, is captained by Discord, and the name of the ship is "Chaos of the Seas"??
What if he's Sunset Shimmer's one and only arch rival?
Sunset: "Curse Ye Discord!! I shall carve ye heart into stone!!"

Alright Twilight, what you need to do to achieve your dream of obtaining One Piece is first find a really weird fruit and get superpowers and then you got to find the Grand Line... wait no thats not right. Forget that you got to go to your grandma's house and get a set of green clothes and then go train with this old dude and then go on a quest to save your little sis from this stupidly large bird... that's not right is it.

Don't worry Twilight it's just a case of mistaken identily and they just want the piece of cursed Aztec gold around your neck and your blood.

Ooooo this is gonna be exciting! Better grab some popcorn! :pinkiehappy:

This seemed appropriate
[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i8ju_10NkGY]

Ah, pirates.

First vampires and now this. You've hit two tropes that I like.

I made a lot of people angry that time. Let's see what happens this time around.

Oh, wait wait wait... we need to start this off right :rainbowdetermined2::

We'll be needing rum.

Lots and LOTS of rum.

I hope Twilight knows the Pirates' Codes (and that its more guidelines than rules). Also, will there be a Cabin Fever dance number? :pinkiehappy:

I see what you mean by this being kind of a combination between Beauty and the Beast and Pirates of the Caribbean. Especially with Sci-Twi and most (or all?) of the Crystal Prep gang. Interesting Captain demon Sunset. She's a demon, but sounds like the transformation changed her, maybe not for the worse?

Curious to see what'll happen when they reach their next destination. More looting or will Twilight manage to convince them to not be so violent.

Pirate Demon Sunset Shimmer with Bookworm Twilight on a Beauty/Beast story.

I haven't read this yet, but FAVED!!!!

I knew this story was coming but I was unprepared for a surprise attack. My fangirling fit has begun once more since you have returned to us. <3

I don't think you could have done a better Pirates of the Caribbean abd MLP crossover. This is just perfect.

interesting, will track for now

Across the Shimmering Sea

Well, it’s been three chapters. I reviewed Sunlight after three chapters and earned both praise for an in depth critique by some and bloody vengeance by others. I love vampires. I love pirates. Yes, I have seen a published book with both and it looks awful. My notes stretch just over a page alone. We’ll see how long this one lasts. Sunlight was seven pages.

In short, I like it, but it is not without it’s fair share of problems. As we’re only just getting into the story, it’d be tough to say what may or may not be a problem later on. Sunlight was, I am sorry to say, laden with predictable tropes that made guessing where it was going easy. I’m not getting that feel this time. Let’s start from the top.

The first thing I noticed that may or may not be a problem is the strange sense of whimsy. It’s clear this is drawing from the romanticized versions of pirates which you can trace to Robert Stevenson. That alone isn’t bad, but this world is giving off a very strange vibe. One thing that irks me about rich, open worlds with their own lore is when they make a particular mistake: what can and cannot happen? This can sometimes be worded as what should or should not happen.

For instance, the town was attacked by pirates. A mediocre story would show no consequences of this action. A better one would have something. The best have clear, definitive correlations between cause and effect. I’m a little nervous because I really don’t want nothing to happen. They are very close to Canterlot, a supposed hub of naval activity after all. A pirate ship came right up to their doorstep, kidnapped at least one person, and likely plundered the place as well? I expect something more than just Shining Armor himself coming after her. This action is going to piss off plenty of people if for no other reason than a pirate vessel caught them with their pants down. It’s an embarrassment.

I’m not trying to insist what should or shouldn’t happen, but merely highlighting a potential boring aspect this story may take. Sunset attacked a village so close to Canterlot! If there isn’t a worthy reaction, all of this just feels like a song and dance that is going down the list of plot devices and narrative contrivances.

Contrivance is the death blow to dramatic tension.

It’s why I was pleased that they had a description of Twilight (kinda. I’ll get to that in a moment). Having Sunset just kinda thuggin’ it in her cabin and catch twilight merely by chance is boring. What’s portrayed as important is not how Twilight gets captured, but that she just gets there. That’s boring. This was much better than I feared with Velvet's now in play. There is a clear cause and effect going on and Clotho wasn'y just asleep at the loom.

But getting back to Twilight, I will say that mistaken identity was a horrendous way to get Twilight on board. Velvet was, what, twenty years older? Even if it was a twenty year old picture that would then kinda resemble Twilight, they were never told that the portrayed woman was much older than she appeared? A chance meeting is usually not a good thing, but the sheer number of loops in logic to make these people believe Twilight was Velvet was just utter nonsense.

The final two problems I see are very minor, but worth bringing up. The first was that the dream sequence went on much longer than it needed to. The dreams of a lonely girl bled into real life and I can see that, but the moment your hear clashing steel and the stench of gunpowder your head will rip that shit right out of your brain in self preservation. No one in the world ever thinks it’s a dream when their life is in danger.

This kinda works into the other complaint. Twilight didn’t see herself in danger for quite a while, and neither did I. This is my own editorial here. I don’t know the training and orders Sunset’s crew received, but I can make some educated guesses. If they weren’t disciplined enough to know Twilight from Velvet, why didn’t they do some looting while they were on the island during all the arson, murder, and jaywalking? If they were under direct orders and trained well enough to only pick up who they thought was Velvet, that makes a little more sense and gives a little more credence to Sunset being a threat, but it goes back to Twilight not seeing herself in danger for the longest time. Her believing she was in a dream was supposed to, I believe, make the heel turn that she was in danger a little more palpable. I didn’t see the point at all. I could see a little bit, maybe a paragraph or two, but that bit outstayed its welcome and felt unnecessary to me. She was in danger but... not. Pirates and gunpowder plus swords equals danger. Where's the danger?

Alright, that’s the big stuff out of the way. This last bit is some miscellaneous questions and issues more for my own clarification or some enlightenment that I impart onto you. You just happen to catch me in the process of scripting my own pirate-themed fanfic. I’ve been doing a lot of research in ship building, golden age piracy, lingo, and the famed figures of the time in preparation. I’ve loved pirates for the longest time. Who doesn’t? So here are some bits where I’ll be going back and forth between offering some advice and a few spots that might need to be polished up. Rest assured, I do like this story.

I was very giddy when Sunset outlined the terms of Twilight’s stay to the woman because I was thinking, holy shit that’s exactly what happened to Black Bart! The comparisons are even more awesome because it’s widely believed he rose up the ranks on his ship to captain so fast because of his navigational abilities. Even a tie in like that to real world piracy, as unintentional as it may be, just made me squeal like a schoolgirl. The names and ships are never wink-wink nudge-nudge to deliver that exact comparison; the subtly alone was enough to make me appreciate it.

It provides some tantalizing paths for this story to go. Will Twilight also turn pirate one day? Command her own ship? Female pirates weren’t unheard of even in our own times. I’m fond of Gráinne Mhaol myself. Perhaps Shining Armor catches up with her some day and sees Sunset has taken her as a lover?

Just something small like that makes lore hounds like me run wild.

Stepping away from Twilight, I don’t see a noteworthy aspect of pirates: loot. Yes, there is and shall always be the money hording aspect of pirates, something you can once again pin on Treasure Island, but most pirates were keen on other goods. Trade goods like silk, cloth, and medicine were in very high regard and top targets. Considering most coinage was stamped with the royal seals of their own particular country, some coinage could be tracked if the authorities had the time and patience. I didn’t see that here. This could be passed off as Twilight not seeing it in her (somewhat dream whatever) panic and her being blindfolded, so I let that slide.

Finally, here’s some more technical aspects to my review that are more dependant on individual lines, so it’s about to look a lot less clean here.

Half the men slipped

I don’t believe this. By the time this line comes about, the storm was a significant distance out and the ship was fine; she shouldn’t have been feeling that bad of swells. Sailors are barefoot on deck 95% of the time because of the polished and clean deck; you'll never see them casually slip like this. It helps them grip the surface much better than any shoe and you’ll never see a sailor caught dead in the rigging with shoes unless shit has hit the fan and she hasn’t had time to take them off. One is an accident. Two is coincidence. Three means they’re training a greenhorn. Six is absurd.

opening the bottom sail.

Judging from the size and description, I'm guessing this is a schooner. With that, I'm guessing this sail is a foresail. I’m saying all these things because I don’t know what kind of ship this is at all. When people picture pirate ships, they usually envision a galleon because film crews need the wider deck that a galleon provides. If it's that, which I doubt because Velvet would need a much larger crew, it's either the main mizen or the main course; I just don’t know. Even a single name buried somewhere will help.

At most, she’d bring home a few silver pieces at the end of the week.

I'm a lore hound, so here's some currencies you can dive into: piece of eight (spanish dollars back in the day), guinea, bits, louis d’ors, shillings.

Silver tended to be called Reales while gold coins were Escudos.

Although, like I said above, you can still use bits as they are a valid currency of the time. Even if you want to do away with golden age piracy currency, that’s fine and you can stick with bits. If you want to have multiple coinages, like for griffons, it’s easy make your own or pick something from history. I’m fond of using thalers for griffon currency myself.

With the gag in her mouth, she could only breathe through her nose, making it hard to hyperventilate.

No it's not.

She was almost glad she was gagged; it was good incitive to not throw up.

While it can be fought, it's an involuntary reflex and out of her control.

Also, it's "incentive"

Three masts towered over Twilight, the red sails currently rolled up.

More of a curiosity more than anything. The whole description is reminiscent of a smaller bark or schooner bark, but from the description I'm not sure if the guns are on the main deck or not. If they are on a lower deck or in the hold, that suggests a ship like a galleon and is closer to the described size, but those have four masts and not three. What kind of ship is this?

just as the skull door opened up.

It's fantasy so it's something I let slide, but if you're going for a realistic view, pirates don't do this. They flew the colors of recognizable ships like the Dutch or Spanish. They don't want to be seen as pirates until the last second because surprise on the high seas is a powerful weapon. Ships aren’t that fast, so the quicker you can hide the bloody sails or decayed hull hauled up from the Locker, the better.

And don’t worry, none of the crew is to touch you… for now.

I know it's an idle threat but Twilight should know this rarely happened depending on how comprehensive her knowledge was. I can’t tell how much her knowledge of pirates and piracy covers, but being an asshole on a ship had dire consequences.

It varies from place to place. After all, codes of conduct were very much dependant on location. Black Bart’s pirate code was very different from Madame Shih’s code. The one unifying aspect was that each and every position was filled based upon how well a pirate was capable of holding the role. It was a meritocracy.

That’s not to say this is 100% true across all ships, but it was the rule and not the exception. Black Bart ensured this was punishable by marooning the interloper. Shih’s code straight up ended your shit if you disobeyed a superior officer. Yes, there were minor fights on board a ship. If they weren’t dealt with by anyone in the chain of command, they were supposed to deal with it between themselves. Should it actually interfere with ship business or disrupt affairs, you’d be damn sure the captain’s going to take notice and do something if for no other reason than to make an example.

This was what differentiated the pirates from the navies. The latter had a tendency to draft or straight up kidnap people. This is why tankards are made of glass or have glass bottoms if the legends are true. As the story goes, officers would drop a shilling in their mugs and conscript drunks into the British once they saw it. Having a glass bottom made the coin easy to see. The navy was filled with a bunch of assholes which is why many people volunteered on pirate ships. It was, again, a meritocracy where all aboard had equal say and earned their keep.

This makes me anticipate a possible subversion of events as well. How well is the Equestrian navy run? Do people turn to piracy to earn a living, escape the unfair navy, and fulfill that sense of adventure and romanticism? It is a fun thought to entertain, and seeing Twilight as a bad girl is something woefully lacking.

If your interested, I’m willing to join your editing team as a powder monkey. I’m familiar with piracy as it is and could provide some insight should you so choose.

Lastly, I think this might be a little more appropriate Swab 7496038

Damn it. Not even five pages this time.

I only have one response to the legend of Sunset Shimmer of the Crimson Heart:

Pirates of the Hair-o-bacon! :pinkiehappy:

Poor Velvet, though. :fluttershysad:

The wind embraced her, tousling her purple hair and making the tresses that framed her face dance. She smoothed out the folds of her dress, a simple beige garment that drew down to just above her ankles; it’s only decoration was a pink bow around the middle.

My inner Rarity is screaming. (Also, stray apostrophe there.)

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