• Member Since 7th Dec, 2016
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

AliceLiz


Just an amateur writer.

T

Twilight Sparkle is the best student at Crystal Prep Academy, and while she’s pretty happy with her situation, her unofficial big sister, Cadance, keeps telling her to try and make friends. It never seems to go well for her, until Cadance convinces her to tutor the new student at Crystal Prep, Sunset Shimmer.


Pre-read by gerandakis

Featured on 9th Aug 2018! :twilightsmile:


Sex tag for: references to masturbation, and talking about masturbation.

Cover vectors:
Sci-Twi by aqua-pony
Sunset Shimmer by punzil504

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 291 )
Comment posted by Palestinian FimFic Fan deleted August 8th

Wow. This is a great start to a story. Looking forward to reading more. :twilightsmile:

I’m enjoying this so far, can’t wait to read more!!

I havent started reading and yet already know that I'll like it

This is a breath of fresh air in terms of Anon-A-Miss fics.

How many chapters does this story have?

I love this story already!:heart:

Okay, color me intrigued...

9098166
So agreed with you on that.

I just started to read this story and I already have the feeling this is going to be a perfect story >:3 plz continue up the good work my friend! :pinkiehappy:

9098193

The story has nine chapter, plus the prologue and an epilogue. It's about 40k words total.

I'm glad to see so many of you are enjoying the story already. :twilightsmile:

i look forward to the following chapters.

Very interesting way for an AaM story to be told, I don't think I have seen it before.

Looking forward to how this will be going :twilightsmile:

I'm impressed. Putting this one on the Tracking List!

Indigo grinned a toothy smile. “Good, I knew I could rely on a good friend like you. You should sit with us more often at lunch,” She stepped back from Twilight and started down the hall. “I’ll send the details when I get home,” She called before rounding a corner.

Why is Sci-Twi doing Indigo's work? Bullying? Blackmail? The threat of pranks or physical violence?

I need moar! This story is great!

`Looking good so far. :pinkiehappy:

“A new student enrolled,” Cadance continued, “she came to my office today so I could give her her schedule and stuff. She starts classes tomorrow.”

“In the middle of the school year?” Shining asked, puzzled. “That’s kind of unusual isn’t it?”

“Apparently she had some stuff going on at her last school that she wanted to get away from. She didn’t go into detail though.”

I can already guess what had happened. :fluttershysad:

Anyway, I'm enjoying this story so far! I'm definitely tracking this! :pinkiehappy:

Looking forward for the next chapter! :twilightsmile:

Can't wait for more chapters to come.

I’m sorry to say this, but this whole chapter fell pretty flat for me. The content of it--the series of events that took place--was fine, but the presentation of it, the depiction of those events, could have been so much richer than it was here.

If you go to Ezn’s writing guide, there’s a section on showing versus telling; if you haven’t read that already, I’d suggest taking a look at it.

Basically, though, this is the kind of thing I’m talking about:

The girls spent a few minutes talking about sports and rock music. Twilight, having no interest in sports and being mostly into classical, remained silent for all of that discussion

What you did there was fine. It’s not wrong, by any stretch of the imagination, to come out and say directly that Twilight has no interest in either sports or rock music. The problem is, Twilight not being interested in those things doesn’t come with an accompanying image of any kind. At least not a very strong one, anyway. Consider the phrases “Twilight was angry,” and “Twilight glared,” as a comparison; people tend to glare when they’re angry, so the latter sentence implies the same thing as the former, but it also has a more specific image, a facial expression instead of an emotion, so the reader can more clearly visualize Twilight being angry when you don’t just say that she’s angry.

So, when you keep writing, it might be worth thinking about ways you can work more specific images into your writing. In that paragraph I quoted, the idea seems to be that Twilight wants to join the conversation, but topics she either doesn’t know anything about or doesn’t really care about don’t give her an opportunity.

Maybe you could do something like this, then:

The girls spent a few minutes talking about sports. They talked about throwing balls and hitting balls with bats and... and that was about it, actually. Sure, they technically talked about other things as well, but it all kind of boiled down to the same fundamental ideas. Twilight didn’t think she had much to add there.

Then the topic of the conversation switched to rock music and the girls volleyed nonsense Twilight assumed must have been names of obscure bands back and forth. She looked for an opportunity to insert herself, but none were presented.

It’s longer, I know, and I’m sure it’s not perfect. You don’t have to do it exactly like that, and I’m not asking that you do, just suggesting that you think about some things. I’d like to think that those two paragraphs cover the same concept you addressed in your original one--that Twilight’s not interested in either sports or rock music and fails to join the conversation because of it--but do so by working in more specific details and, by doing so, would be a slightly more engaging read.

As I said, what you have here in this chapter is totally fine. It’s just a bit wooden, and working on showing more things instead of just coming out and saying them could be a great way to make it more lively.

9098878

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I am still learning, so this kind of stuff is really helpful for me. Also, I did read Ezn's guide, but that was quite a while ago, Maybe I should refresh my memory on it. :twilightsheepish:

I don't really want to make any changes to the chapter's that are already out (except for grammatical fixes), but I will keep this in mind for future chapters. Though, for the record, I do like the two paragraphs you suggested more. :twilightsmile:

You have my attention!

A good start. I can see why this got traction, it combines a popular ship with a unique... start... HANG ON!

sigh

I swear to god, if this is anon-a-miss, I'll be very disappointed. At this point, that's what it's leaning towards.

Ooo poor Sunset :fluttercry:, I'm anxiously waiting to see how this story will develop. Will the others regret it? Will Princess Twilight talk to the others to defend Sunset? Are they looking for Sunset? However, I know that Sci-Twi will be a great support for our beloved Sunset.
I really enjoying this story can’t wait to read more!! :pinkiehappy: :twilightsmile:

Regards!

PS: Sunlight4ever!

9098960
from what i can tell it is after anon a miss and sunny buns did not just accept a shitty "im sorry we cool" from the rainbooms.

9099057
If that is the case, I'll be disappointed. Anon-A-Miss stories are a dime-a-dozen. Each plot line has been tread before and I have a deep seated hatred for them. But this story? It's putting a different spin, having her start over in Crystal Prep. It's different, but why does it have to shackle itself to Anon-A-Miss?! It could've used a unique idea, could've easily made it a great new idea!

But instead, what do we have? Another Anon-A-Miss that will spawn another fifty copies within the week. Such wasted potential!

As for why Anon-A-Miss is bad? Its premise is flawed, characters act OOC, it's not canon, and, most importantly, it's a bad story. It's that simple. It's like people writing reaction fics to, say, Filly Vanilli or 12 Pranks Later. Yes, we all know those episodes sucked, but there's no need to use them as a basis for fifty million fics!

sigh

Alright, rant over. I do hope this story continues to move forward. The damage is done, now it can only profit off it.

9099070
HEY HERE A IDEA !
Don't like don't read, how about that. And Don't ruin this for everyone.

Jeeze so freaking tired of hearing this, i get you don't like anon A Miss stories, fine you don't have not a crime , but you have to get on some soap box and do this?

Not say every anti Anon A Miss reader goes bananas but heard enough rants.

9099099

Don't like don't read, how about that

And would that magically throw away my criticisms? Would that make my points any less valid?

And Don't ruin this for everyone.

I'm not commenting for your enjoyment. I'm not that altruistic. I'm commenting my opinion on a story I saw potential in and crying over it squandering it. Should I stay silent when the writer can learn from this, using a more unique idea to set up a premise for their story?

but you have to get on some soap box and do this?

Yes, I do, because authors keep using it and the use detracts from the story. It has to compete not only with other stories, but also other anon-a-miss stories, conform to the general premise, and limit the potential. It has to go into a market already saturated and ask if it can saturate it further. This inspires more Anon-A-Miss writers to take up the torch and the cycle repeats.

I don't enjoy seeing an author waste their skills on a field that has been heavily and constantly plowed. I'd rather see AliceLiz be the next monochromatic with an original idea as opposed to just rehashing.

but heard enough rants.

Sorry, but the complaints need to continue if the flow will ever be stemmed. Until we get a month of no anon-a-miss stories hitting the feature box, I have to object. At least this one doesn't go dark and edgy on us.

Twilight took a good look at her new study partner. She was a little taller than Twilight, and had long flowing yellow and red hair. Her smile also looked a bit goofy at the moment, like she was trying not to laugh. Twilight’s hopes — and smile — fell at seeing her expression. She brought her arms up to hug herself as she looked away. “Something funny?” It came out more aggressive than she intended.

I’d have that same reaction, too if she looked like the only person who wouldn’t kill me after I turned into a She-demon, but wouldn’t be there because she’s in a dimension of sentient horse people.

9099057
I hope that the case love the idea of Sunset throwing their apologizes back in their faces.
If Apple Jack did the same thing as in the comics, telling Bloom of course they forgive her and her friends they're family line.....Yeah could see Sunset rip into them so hard they be in the burn ward for third degree burns.

9099116

Well, I hope you can get some enjoyment from the story regardless.

As for your point about these stories inspiring others, well if it wasn't for that, I probably wouldn't have started writing yet, and might not have done so at all! I don't think that inspiring others isn't a bad thing, even if it sometimes results in mediocre copies. :twilightsmile:

Also,

I'd rather see AliceLiz be the next monochromatic with an original idea as opposed to just rehashing.

Thanks, but I really don't think I'm that good. :twilightoops:

9098483

Indigo definitely isn't phycally hurting Twilight, it's more that she's acting like Twilight's friend and pressuring her into 'helping'. Also, Twilight isn't putting up much resistance, she's just taking what she sees as the easier path by doing what Indigo says.

Neat story so far. The SciTwi perspective is a pretty neat idea (honestly surprised how little something like that). The execution is rather choppy, but the idea has me interested and I’m curious as to where this will go.

9099116
How does using Anon-A-Miss matter at all? It used the comic storyline as an excuse to have pre-FG Sunset in Crystal Prep and not be some AU where the first two movies didn’t happen (or came up with some contrived reason for Sunset to break away from her friends and transfer schools). This story doesn’t have to “conform” to anything, nor would any knockoffs down the line affect the quality of this story in any way. How does using the comic events as a springboard limit this story? Why does it matter that it has to “compete” with other Anon-A-Miss stories or that Anon-A-Miss is over saturated?

I'm getting the feeling SciTwi isn't going to get that essay done, Indigo's going to get upset and Sunset's gonna step in to save the day
I could be wrong though

9099174
So...its less "Indigo is a bully" and more "Twilight has little spine."

Interesting take on one of the most common Anon-A-Miss stories looking forward to where you go with this

So... there are going to be regular chapter uploads? I didn’t know my Christmas was coming early this year.

Following this. Also, you timed the movies pretty much how I did in my head. I always figured EqG1 happened in early fall, at the beginning of a school year, RR happened shortly before winter, and FG happened sometime in spring.

9099070

Yes, we all know those episodes sucked,

How about you speak for yourself, eh?

And the shipping intensifies.

Oh my, Twilight likes what she saw in the shower & Sunset is quite the flirt too! :raritywink:

9099740
Sunset being spicy, yeah... Sorta expected that.

Ri2

Okay, now THIS looks interesting. I've seen a handful of Anon-a-miss stories where Sunset gives up and transfer to CPA, but none not written from her perspective. You have my attention.

9099757
I likely when Sunset gets spicy! :raritywink:

9099760
...You should be punished for that frankly terrible rhyme.

9099769
Holy shit, I didn't realize I did a rhyme! :derpyderp2:

Love it already so good anu hint as to how long this is gonna be, cause I love me a long fic

But I want moar now!

I hate getting into a story then needing to wait, however short a time, for the next chapter. I think I’m gonna wait a week, then binge a whole bunch at once.

Sunset had clearly seen this, since Twilight heard her laugh. She looked up and saw Sunset push her lunch box a little closer to Twilight. “Here,” she said, smiling, “you can have some of mine if you want. Mom always gives me more than I need anyway.”

That moment when you realize Principal Celestia adopted Sunset.

“I like that one too,” Sunset said, tentatively, “but my favorite has got to be Daring Do and the Legend of the Lost Art.” Sunset took a sip from her water bottle.

That awkward moment when your favourite book hasn't come out yet.

“Oh, right.” Sunset said in an apologetic voice.” People often tell me I’m a bit too comfortable with nudity. My bad.” Twilight heard the rustling of a towel, and when she had undressed herself, she turned and saw that Sunset had wrapped her towel around herself, just as Twilight had.

I don't know why, but this made me laugh.

Sunset shook her head and hands. “No! I just used to go to CHS before I transfered here, but… uhm. I wasn’t at school that day, I just heard from the other student’s that something really strange had happened.” She laughed nervously.

Sunny, dear, you know it was you.

This is great. I think they're going to be each other's knights. Can't wait until the mall, where we might run into some people familiar with Sunset.

> Finish reading chapter one
> refresh the page and chapter 2 is posted

Yasssss inject the shipping directly into my veeeiiiinsss :rainbowkiss:

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