• Member Since 26th Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Highlord Langslock


If the darkness grows so deep that we cannot see the light, then we shall rise up and BECOME the light!

T

Four years ago, Shining Armor’s parents died in a horrific car accident, leaving him and his wife to take care of his little sister, Twilight Sparkle. There isn’t a thing that he wouldn’t do for her, yet there are times when it feels like there isn’t anything he can do for her. To him, the time she spent under his care has been nothing but a long string of him letting her down.

All things considered, it is understandable that she wouldn’t want to spend a day reserved for celebrating one’s parents with him.

After all, he is not Twilight’s father, and she’s not his daughter, right?

An official entry in my Harmony and Valor series.

Cover art by the talented PaulySentry.

Rated Teen for mild language.

Featured on Fimfiction somewhere between June 15 and June 16.

Now has its own TVTropes page.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 72 )

Great story! Good characterization and a fun plot. Very enjoyable.
Love to see more of this little universe you've got here, if you've any plans to expand on this.

wow this is a kind of sad story and get you right in the feel, I start to get water eye at the end.

on side note, I always want to read story where it turn out twilight was Candace and Shinning armor daughter but nobles and such made it so they had to keep it a secret.

Aww, I liked this one. It's a very sad, yet sweet story with both plots being done rather nicely. This story shows that you don't really have to be a dad, to be a dad... If that somehow makes sense.

:rainbowderp:......:raritydespair: ohhh that was really emotional.

This. Was. BEAUTIFUL!!!

Wild Ride just rubbed me the wrong way.. but then he does share a name with a freaking Decpticon! Who is to say the EQ universe doesn't have other Hasbro property parallel characters?

7395156 Umm... there is something like that. It's somewhere in my tracking liebery, though.

Really awesome dude

I just realized that Applejack and Sci-Twi switched lives.

A very sweet and heartwarming story... then again, I'm writing this family in almost the exact same situation, so I might be biased!

Aurora Shine... that's not a name I recognize. I wonder when if that's going to come into play later...

I like how you show that Sci- Twi's life is not an exact parallel of Princess Twilight's.

This story is beautifully written, even at the very end! :pinkiesad2:

Like, favorite and top favorite! :twilightsmile:

I have a few nitpicks about the story, nothing that really detracts from the overall fic or the warm fuzzies it gives, but just things that are me over analyzing the storyline in a "If I had written this story how would I have gone about it" way.

The biggest one primarily revolves around the actual murder case itself. I get that it's place in the story is to reinforce Shining Armor's feelings about his sister feeling like his daughter, but it doesn't feel like it does much for the over-all story beyond that. The feelings the murder provides are nearly instantly forgotten about the moment Shining has to leave to help his sister and when he gets home, so it's implied that they were supposed to have a lasting effect on him, but they really never get brought up again.

You also go into detail about how Cloud Skipper looks, but he never plays any real importance to the story. Legalhawke sort of suffers from the same issue too, though to a lesser extent. They're nice inclusions, but Midnight does all the heavy lifting as the other officer around and was really the only extra strictly needed for the story.

The scene with Principal Cinch also stands out to me, since when it first arrives it feels out of nowhere, and not that she doesn't deserve Shining Armor's anger, but it felt like it was added to vent anger and frustration at the character more than because it played into the story. I'm glad it came back with Cadance later, though with there being no real consequences one way or another over it, it felt a little hollow as far as her inclusion went.

The last thing is that it feels like Twilight's decision to call them Mom and Dad feels... Rushed, I guess is the best word for it? And I'm sure this is only because we're only seeing things from Shining Armor's point of view, but it feels like even after 4 years, and everything that happened with Twilight, that she might be a little more hesitant to want to be calling her brother her father. I'm sure if we'd seen more of things from Twilight's view it wouldn't feel that way, but I couldn't help but feel that way.

It was still a great story and very well written, but I guess my main issue is that for the story elements presented, what I would have personally preferred is a longer more drawn-out fic that deals with all of the emotions and situations you've presented. Wrap the murder into Shining's fatherly feelings, maybe even somehow end up with Twilight involved as a climax to the fic. Then you could have Cinch included in a more natural feeling way, maybe nothing still happening to her, but the way she effects Cadance's life coming round to bite their family despite them trying to distance themselves from what happened. The extra characters would be given more depth and inclusion in the story, interweaving everything together in a nice paced flow. And of course, we would see more Twilight's struggles with the loss of her parents at such a young age, relying on her brother, and developing these feelings that maybe she could have parents again if she allowed herself to see her brother and his wife that way.

TL;DR, I wish this was a multi-chapter fic as opposed to a one-shot, but I'm still glad we got what we got. It definitely got my upvote, and while I have my own nitpicks and reservations about wanting more from the scenarios provided, what you did give was concise and decently well thought out. Thank you for the good read :twilightsmile:

This is an amazing and heartfelt story. Every part was well done and I honestly can't tell which was my favorite. I think you are doing a good job building your own little universe here and hope you keep it up.

I think it's cool that Flash's mom is friends with Shining Armor. That might have been a small moment but still an interesting one. Also, interesting that Sci-Twi's main bully at Crystal Prep was someone named Aurora Shine. Usually I see Sci-Twi's main bully as Sour Sweet or Fleur but this original character sounds interesting.

Hope we see more from you soon.

Human Shining Armor's face is going to give me Nightmares...

Ri2

You mention Aurora Shine a lot. Who is she?

I'm just curious as to why a teenager would accept her brother as her father. She spent 4 years with him, if she was 8 and it had been 10 years it might have been believable if she considered her brother her father, but 4? And since nothing else I saw says she isn't, isn't she nearly 18?

7397033 Tis a scary lookin face!

7397089 aye, aye t is.

side noteth, i loveth english to shakesp'rean translat'rs.

7397095 How doth the strength of thy noble writer has stricken me ill, to which my heart hath grown love for a tale such as "Romeo and Juliet."

7395994 Thanks for the constructive criticism. I definitely take it into consideration.

7396245 You'll find out soon enough.

7396467 Here in my headcannon, she's sixteen. I don't know exactly how old Shining Armor and Cadance are, but they're old enough to keep it from getting too awkward. As for the rest, you'll just have to suspend your disbelief.

7395457

Wild Ride just rubbed me the wrong way.. but then he does share a name with a freaking Decpticon!

I honestly had no idea!

Ri2

7397307 We will? I thought the story was over

Oh man, the feels got me again.

7397569 I'm pretty sure he means in another story. It feels like he's building his own universe with his stories.

Dead parents... Always gets me

I always think it's sweet to see older siblings become parents to younger ones when the actual parents or dead/neglectful/abusive. Adding this to my RiL.

7397553
One of the Decpeticon Car Sub Group The Stunticons is named Wild Rider, he's also a irresponsible selfish jerk, who likes to run people off the road.
Related Gen 1 Pony Seaspray shares her name with Gen 1 Autobot Seaspray
Lots of transformer names make great pony names, like Gen 1 Decpticon and Gen 4 Pony Rumble

Well done. I enjoyed this story.

That was a sweet story. :twilightsmile: The interrogation scene felt like coming from the Phoenix Wright games, but who's Aurora Shine?

Also, Rainbow Dash is NOT egoistical.

The end was dawwwwwwwwwwwwwww :rainbowkiss:

A solid one-shot. Thank you for sharing it! It was an enjoyable read, overall.

Would totally be a great premise for an actual multi-chapter story. Fun little universe, be fun to read about the misadventures Shining Armor and Cadence have raising Twilight

This story is fantastic. Faved and liked! :rainbowkiss:

college-of

Single-hyphen misuse. A hyphen between two words suggest they're joined together somehow. Either use a double-hyphen, a single hyphen surrounded by spaces, or a proper em-dash (—).

streaks-one

Single-hyphen misuse again. This is compounded by your correct use of a hyphen in "pale-purple" in the same paragraph.

basked

basket*

He managed to sneak past Spike who was snoozing in his basked without waking the little green and purple dog.

Dangling participle. It sounds like Spike is the one not "waking the little green and purple dog."

It’s not ever seven yet.

even*

“My family is an elite bloodline,” a woman’s voice, proud and haughty, declared.

Squick. Lauren may be passionate, but she's quite shy and reserved in real life. She'd have a lot more humility than this. I'm also not sure what this section has to do with the rest of the story.

be it science; industry; politics; entertainment; and more.

Commas work fine. Semi-colons are very heavy—heavier than commas—and shouldn't be used to split up something so basic as a list.

"Stop Shining Armor

Please, help! Someone stop Shining Armor before he goes on a rampage!
(Needs a comma between Stop and Shining, otherwise it looks like Twilight is telling everyone to stop Shining Armor.)

“I want to call you mom and dad to!”

too*



Think I'm gonna call it here, though I skimmed through the rest of the story, and it's quite sweet.

General thoughts:
• The writing is functional, but a little plain and dry.
• Twilight acts a lot younger than 16.
• You could use some more commas to break up your independent clauses.
• There's a lot of basic errors that get in the way of the experience, a whole lot more than what I pointed out. I suggest asking for help from an editor in the future before going to publish.

Idea is great. Work on execution and polish, and add more animation and life to your narration, and you'll be a fine writer in no time. :raritywink:

Ack! The feels! I teared up a little. :pinkiesad2:

7401284

Lauren may be passionate, but she's quite shy and reserved in real life. She'd have a lot more humility than this.

Except that this isn't the real life version of Lauren. Hell, this woman isn't even called Lauren. This woman is Faust, the human counterpart of the goddess Faust (or Fausticorn if you prefer), and she is a badass. Aside from the red hair, she has nothing in common with Lauren Faust. And this section is meant to be a sort of teaser. She'll be making an appearance at some point in the future.

I suggest asking for help from an editor in the future before going to publish.

Working on it. I've received an offer some time ago that I'm planning on looking up (unless you're making an offer), but to tell you the truth, when these stories take longer to write than I would like them to, I get impatient and want to post them right away. I need to work on that.

Twilight acts a lot younger than 16.

Honestly, who doesn't on this show?

As for the rest, thank you very much, I'll work on that right away, and I would appreciate it greatly if you would continue to provide your services for my stories in the future. The whole reason I got into fanfiction is to improve and polish my skills for when I write professionally some day, and constructive criticism (and praise) like yours is greatly appreciated.

What do you think Legalhawke's Equestrian counterpart might look like?

7401418 Good to see a comment from you. I'm a big fan of your work. Any chance you're planning to post the next chapter of Lullabies Unsung soon?

7401513 I honestly hadn't thought about it.

7401497 Actually, aside from some cartoon character oddities, I'd say they (up until Season 3) mostly span the gamut of young adult behavior. That's what makes the show so special—the believability and relatability of the characters. A lot of women (and some of the men) in my life could be matched up with one of the ponies to varying extents.

Twilight here kinda resembles a school-aged kid. Like… 8 or 9.

As for Faust, got it, that makes more sense. It just weirded me out a little, since I know her decently well. And let it not go unsaid that she is a total badass, even if she may not admit it. She just hides it behind quaint smiles and a pleasant exterior. Very Fluttershy/Celestia-esque.

…Probably not the kind of badass your Holy God-Empress Faust of the Imperium of Mare is, but eh, figured it was worth mentioning. She'd probably appreciate the characterization. :rainbowlaugh:

7401573

Twilight here kinda resembles a school-aged kid. Like… 8 or 9.

I'm sorry, but honestly I just can't see it, but oh well. Hopefully in the future, she'll act more her age.

7401544 Maybe she's a griffon. Or at least a hippogriff.

7401657 No, no, she's a pony, probably a unicorn. Flash gets his pegasus wings from his father.

7401667 Fair point.

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